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Namjoon
"Are we allowed in here?" Anna asked me in a low voice.
I shivered and jerked back slightly at her sudden closeness, turning back to face her.
"Uh, Yeah," I murmured in reply, pressing the elevator button.
The air of this lofty business building was stiff and formal, and I almost regretted bringing her here. But I needed space. Real, empty space. The only to get that was coming here. Seeing Min Yoongi was something I should have been more prepared for. But I hadn't been. I could be stupid like that.
The elevator dinged and a few suited adults stepped out, their faces serious and lifeless. Or maybe they weren't lifeless. But I didn't know. I just knew that once I was forced to inherit this company, I would become one of these people. Dressed in suffocating, black attire and the life drained from my eyes.
"Are we getting on?" Anna asked me, moving past me towards the open elevator.
I blinked and looked at her.
"Y-Yeah," I said, stepping on after her.
We were silent as the machine carried us up, higher and higher. People got on and off on different floors, all as bored looking as the rest. Anna still stared ahead with slightly furrowed eyebrows in confusion. And when the elevator got to be too crowded, Anna would shift to the corner, keeping from others so as not to be touched in anyway. I'd almost forgotten about how she hated physical contact. Especially from how easily she'd been pulling me around since that morning. Why was I different?
I wasn't sure, but the thought of being treated differently, more comfortably, made me shift towards Anna and act as a wall whenever too many people were with us. Silently shielding her from the others. Maybe also from seeing their lifeless eyes. I didn't want her to see what would become of me after school was over. What I was already becoming.
Finally, we got to the highest floor the elevator could carry us to, and I gently pulled Anna off, dodging the workers moving past us. The elevator didn't go up to the top two floors, so I led her to the echoey, cement staircase next.
"Namjoon, are you going to tell me what we're doing here?" She asked again as I nudged her up the steps. "I feel like we're trespassing or something."
"Just trust me," I urged. "I'll explain once we're there."
"Whatever you say, Class President," she muttered under her breath.
And then finally, after what seemed like an hour long ascent, we made it to my destination. The heavy, metal door sat before us, and I reached for the handle. But then I stopped. Suddenly hesitant. Did I really want to show this place to Anna?
I'd shown her so much of me already, way more than I ever thought I'd be able to reveal to someone. I'd begun to give away pieces of myself that I hadn't even known I had to give. After all this time, Anna, the most mysterious of the two of us, had been the receiver, the one accepting what I was. But I still sometimes felt as though I barely knew her. She could be a completely different person with each new day. She could hide random siblings and a phobia of touch. But then touch me over and over again. She could act so serious and cold to others but then smirk and snort and joke around with me. She could push me to show off who I was and yet fall back deeper into herself.
I realized, maybe I'd shown her so much, because I wanted her to show me herself in exchange. But it had only become a spiral of me sharing my deepest secrets. How could I be sharing such depths of myself to someone I barely knew?
"Namjoon," her voice drew me up from the sea of thought I'd begun to drown in.
I locked eyes with her again. Yet another aspect. She wouldn't even look me in the eyes the first day of school.
"Anna," I responded in a low voice.
She tilted her head, maybe a bit miffed at my sudden tone.
"Are we here? Is this it?" Anna asked me.
"No...I mean, yes, this is the place. Well, almost," I replied, biting down on my lip in hesitation. "Anna..."
"Yes, Namjoon?" She asked me. "What is it?"
"You know...all this time, you've been helping me to remember what used to make me happy..." I gripped the door handle tightly, feeling so vulnerable all the sudden. "But I don't think it's that simple."
"What do you mean?" Anna tilted her head the other way, leaning against the railing behind her.
"I mean, was this your goal? I mean, were you trying to help me? Or...was I just something new and interesting. Something not so boring about Deum high school?" I couldn't help but ask.
Her eyes shifted, but I couldn't tell how they were changing, or from what emotion. Perhaps from something relaxed to something more serious. Something more clouded.
"Honestly, Namjoon?"
I nodded, surprised that she was answering.
"When we first met, I didn't know a thing about you, except that you were apparently some kind of stuck up genius who was too smart to talk to other people..." she paused, sending me a slight look of amusement. "I was so wrapped up in myself, I forgot that people's opinions can be so far from the truth. When I was first forced to tutor you, I'm not going to lie, I sort of hated you. You were quiet and calm and sort of ignored me. But you..."
Anna faded off, averting her eyes.
"I had no right to hate you. But I guess I was jealous. I was jealous of someone who was so smart and collected. Someone who could just smoothly move through high school without really being noticed for anything other than intelligence..." Anna sighed, giving me an apologetic look. "But when I started getting to know you. When I saw the unhappiness in your eyes when we talked about school, I was almost shocked. Here was this person, so smart and who had everything together, who hated what he did. Who hated having to admit that he needed someone to teach him history."
I hated how right she was. How much she could see right through me when I could only barely scratch the surface of her.
"I learned you were afraid of disappointment, and that, maybe we weren't so different..." she admitted. "But then, suddenly, I discovered that you had an...'out' I guess you could call it. You had this thing that helped you leave reality behind, if only for a little while. Something that you were passionate about. And I got jealous again."
She chuckled bitterly.
"I thought I'd found someone like me. But you were still different. You had an escape while I didn't. So I guess I just got frustrated when you told me you weren't even using this wonderful, beautiful opportunity to escape anymore. That you'd forgotten about it. Or tried to, I guess. I was mad because I wanted an escape so badly, and you had one but you weren't even taking advantage of it!"
"You were jealous of me?" I murmured, almost shocked. "But you...you have everyone at school wrapped around your finger. And it's not like your grades are bad. I mean, sure its not ideal, but it's not the life I have," I reminded her.
"Namjoon!" She exclaimed, peering into my eyes again.
Her usually serious gray eyes were filled with such a sudden spout of emotion, that I was stunned silent.
"You think that's something to be happy about? Having friends because of the way I look? That's no life at all. Sure, my parents love and support me no matter how bad my grades get, but do you think I relish in the fact that people only like me because I have clear skin and a 'small face'?" She asked me, her voice cracking with a sudden wavering. "I wanted you to use your only source of relief so that maybe I could get over my feeling of jealousy. I was so selfish. I am selfish."
"No, y-you helped me because we're friends. You're my friend. I mean...right?" I asked in a small voice.
Right?
"Namjoon, I'm saying the only reason I pushed you to do more was because I was trying to help myself in some twisted way. But nothing's changed. Everything's the same! I'm still forced to have every single little thought around me shoved into my head when I get too close to someone!" She yelled in frustration; her suddenly loud voice bouncing off the echoey walls and down the stairs and all around us.
And then suddenly everything was silent. Anna's face shifted from one of pain to one of horror. She stared at me with the most emotion I'd ever seen on her face. And it was shock.
I stared back at her, trying to comprehend what on earth she'd just screeched.
"W-what are you talking about?"
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A/N:
This is honestly such a heavy story. Probably one of the wordiest I've ever written. Thank you to everyone who's stuck through and actually enjoys such boring chapters. I've tried to get more poetic with my writing to make it at least half interesting but eh~
anyway, love you guys ♥︎