Things slowly began to change as the seasons began to.
You quit school for a short time, pouring all of your energy into your family's business and while it wasn't what you wanted, your parents were happy.
While Jongdae and Minseok would always be your best friends, you saw them a lot less. Minseok in particular – who you would occasionally see leave and come home but you kept your distance. The two of you still seemed to be healing and you didn't want to reopen any wounds. Instead of hanging out with them and Baekhyun, you became close to Kyungsoo who was quiet but a lot like you in ways. He had loved Hani and lost her, just as you had, he enjoyed writing where you enjoyed painting, and the two of you both had a deep love for classical music.
Branching out from your two friends wasn't easy but in a way, you knew it had to be. For so many years they had held you up and now you were finally standing on your own feet.
Outside of Kyungsoo, you would go on runs with Yixing twice a week and you had even made a friend named Kat that you met when you and Kyungsoo had volunteered at the nearby animal shelter.
Life had started to finally pick up and while you thought things would progress between you and Jongin, they felt as if they were going in slow motion while the world around you spun.
Your old bedroom had been turned into yours and Jongin's master bedroom the way it was supposed to be and his room was now your art room. Even with sharing a bed, cuddling at night, kissing in the morning, and sweet 'I love you's', you didn't feel like you had reached the 'boyfriend and girlfriend' stage.
Sometimes you guys would go out to dinner but the relationship never seemed to get more than surface deep and it was starting to bother you. Technically, the two of you were already married but you didn't feel like his wife.
It didn't help that the two of you had years of sexual tension to compensate for that Jongin made no move to remove.
In a desperate attempt for some advice you had once brought it up to Kyungsoo and he looked like he almost had a heart attack.
"You're like a little sister. There is no way I'm giving you advice on seducing Kai," he had told you.
But it was more than seducing him. You just wanted to get to that point in your relationship. Things needed to evolve because something just felt off and as if there was no passion or fire behind the love Jongin had for you lately.
He was loving you gently and that was the last thing you wanted. You wanted a passionate and fiery love that made you explode. You were sick of being the one that everyone was too afraid to break. It made sense why you were that in the past, but you weren't the same girl anymore.
Was it too soon get to that point with Jongin?
You thought it wasn't as you had almost reached that point with Minseok not that long ago - and the thought made your heart clench uncomfortably.
Sex could complicate things but it could also open things up and at this point, you were certain it was the only thing you could do to get to where you wanted to be in the relationship.
So by the time Jongin's birthday rolled around, your friend Kat had convinced you to surprise him.
"I don't know, Kat, he looks at me like I might break," you said with a sigh while the two of you looked around the lingerie shop.
She glanced back at you with a devilish smirk, "This will help!" And she pulled at a red see-through fabric, "How can he think you're breakable if you're dressed like this?" And she held up a tiny thong.
You cringed at the thought of Jongin seeing you in something and as you did, you groaned. If you cringed at the idea of him seeing you in something then you definitely weren't in the place you needed to be. It was common for a married woman to be excited to dress sexy for her husband, but for you, you weren't sure how to feel.
It was a topic that you and Jongin hadn't even skated around talking about nor had his hands ever went anywhere even remotely dangerous. Always on top of your clothes and held firmly.
"Relax there, puppy," Kat said gently as she grabbed your hand to release it from the silk lingerie you had unintentionally grabbed and knotted up in your hand. "It will work out, okay? You two have been in love with each other for so long. Maybe he's just scared you aren't ready for it, mm? If you show him you are, there's no way he'll deny you."
You gave her a look. She hadn't known the whole story or the way Jongin had treated you in the past. The thing was, it was just that – the past. There was no need to relive it when you wanted to move past it. Since Kat wasn't around for it all, it was best to just summarize that you and Jongin had a falling out and didn't get along for a short period. Kat didn't understand why Jongin had treated you like such a fragile person but even if she had, you were certain that her advice would be the same: to take your relationship to the next level in an attempt to deepen the bond.
So, you let her have this one and bought the deep blue almost see-through baby doll dress that actually made you feel good about your body when you put it on.
It hit just below your bottom and had a ruffled edge that made you want to spin in circles and watch how it flowed around you.
Regardless of how good it made you feel, you were a shaking mess on Jongin's birthday.
The two of you had dinner together at your favorite restaurant and while you had chosen a simple black dress, you were suddenly insecure about every piece of showing skin – no doubt because you would be showing a lot of skin to Jongin tonight.
"Are you okay?" Jongin asked quietly while reaching his hand out towards your chin. His hand grasped it, tilting your face in multiple directions as if to inspect you.
The hand that held your wine glass was shaking around the stem and you couldn't find a way to stop it. "I'm okay," you said with a voice that wasn't anywhere near convincing.
He let out a small breath and dropped his hand, "Just because it's my birthday doesn't mean you have to pretend to be okay. If something is wrong, tell me."
His eyes were watching you carefully. "Do you love me?" You asked in a small voice.
"What kind of question is that?" His voice held a tone of hurt, "Of course I do. More than anything. Everything."
"Are you in love with me?"
Reaching for your hand across the table, he smiled. "I've been stupid in love with you for so long that I don't know what not loving you is like."
As you released your wine glass, you grasped his hand. "Lately since everything has... gotten less complicated, I feel like we're in limbo."
Raising a brow, he urged you to continue.
"I feel like we're not moving further in our relationship," you trailed off.
You can see the panic as it made its way onto Jongin's face and instantly, you felt bad for not prefacing your words more.
"I'm not wanting to stop, Jongin. I want to be with you," and with that he relaxed. "I just don't feel like a couple."
Taking your words in, he bit his lip a few times. "What makes you feel like we aren't?"
"Well, I know we are but it's like everything's too platonic. I know you kiss me but it's never..." you trailed off again stopping yourself from saying what your mind had processed into the sentence. It's never like how Minseok kissed you. The difference between the two men was that while Minseok knew you had a past full of self-harm, he wasn't constantly afraid that his touch would cause it. He knew better than that and the few times he had kissed you, weren't held back. Jongin, on the other hand, knew that in the past he had said things to make you hurt yourself and that made you think he was afraid to touch you.
"Never what?" He wondered.
You hummed to yourself for a moment, thinking of a way to word your thoughts. "Never the way I imagine."
He nodded slowly. "I just want to be sure I don't go too fast. I don't want to rush this."
Looking off to the side, you sighed. "I don't think it would be rushing it just to be a little more passionate. You make this relationship so... safe."
"Y/N, don't you understand why?"
Nodding, you squeezed his hand. "I get it, I just want some passion. I'm not going anywhere. I'm not going to break. Can't you see that?"
But Jongin looked so broken. Even when he was with you. Even when he was smiling. The pain was etched into the fine lines of his face and while he was still young, he seemed so aged. Again, you weren't the only one affected by the actions you had taken. While you may not have been triggered by anything much anymore, it seemed Jongin and Minseok were still reeling - but in different ways. Minseok would touch you and love you, but he was afraid of what you would do to yourself. Jongin loved you but was afraid that his touch and love would make you do something to yourself.
How did trust and people bounce back after someone they love had tried to take their life? It seemed you had bounced back better than those around and the thought made you sick. Hurting yourself hadn't only been a punishment to yourself but a punishment to everyone who loved you.
Putting yourself into Minseok's shoes, you couldn't have imagined standing by while you knew your best friend had a problem. The fear and worry that you would experience would eat you alive. You would be too afraid to leave him alone and you would constantly survey his body for fresh marks. Just the way Minseok had done with you.
Something like that traumatizes those you love even if you think it won't affect them.
Jongin hadn't been there to see the worst of the times. He hadn't seen the blood or you standing on the bridge that day but it was the knowledge alone that was enough to drive him crazy.
You couldn't take it back and you couldn't make it better.
A thousand times you could say you're okay and you forgive him but Jongin would still look in the mirror and see the monster that drove you to hurt yourself.
It reaffirmed that you needed to take your relationship more seriously. If you could show Jongin that you are okay and that you want to be with him in every way you can, maybe then he could free himself from the guilt. You didn't want to live with it anymore or think about it - so this had to be the first step.
"If I move too fast and ruin this, I would never forgive myself. I don't want to lose you again," he looked down at his lap for a moment. "I need you."
"Then don't treat me like I'm going to run away. I'm telling you that I'm not – no, I'm promising." Intertwining your fingers together, you brushed your fingers over his wedding ring. "It's your birthday. Just for one night treat me like you would have if none of this had happened. Embrace teenage Jongin's wants – even if just for now. Please. If you still think that I'm breakable after tonight, then we'll take it slow for as long as you want."
His eyes were dark with confusion and what you hoped was lust if he had caught onto your insinuation. "That's what you want?"
Shaking your head, you sighed. "It's your birthday. It's about what you want. But if it reassures you, yes, that's what I want. I want to be treated like your wife."
"I thought I did treat you like that," he mumbled.
"You do in a way but a husband and wife relationship goes further than cuddling innocently before bed," you said the words carefully, watching his eyes while you spoke and you could see the change as you finished.
Licking his lips, he looked at you with a heavy gaze. "There's no going back after that. Everything would be changed." Here you were, finally talking about sex but the two of you were gently skating around it.
You gave him a firm nod. "I know. That's what I want. I'm ready to be in a real relationship, Jongin." It had been at least two months since you had decided to end things with Minseok for good and while a part of you loved him still, a part of you always wood. Just like part of Jongin would always love Hani. You now had known that you and Minseok weren't meant to be so, it was time. Time to let it go. Time to close off any loose ends.
He narrowed his eyes, "Not having sex doesn't make it any less real." You froze and so did Jongin. It was easier to talk about sex without mentioning it outright and now that Jongin had, it felt that much more real. He looked mortified at what he said and you were sure you looked the same when you felt his hand shake and he leaned across the table, "That's what you meant, right?" He whispered.
"Yes."
"That's what you want from me?"
Pausing for a moment, you and Jongin stared at each other in silence. Once you got the courage, you gave him a nod.
"Tonight?"
You nodded again and you didn't miss the way Jongin's adam's apple moved as he gulped.
The rest of the dinner was surrounded by an awkward silence.
Once the two of you got into his car, Jongin sighed and looked at you. "I think I'm caught in trying to protect you from me. I don't mean to but I just don't want to do anything to jeopardize you, you know?"
Biting your lip a few times, you looked at Jongin. "Why does it seem that even though things have gotten simpler, that they've gotten even more difficult?"
For some reason, you thought the relationship between you and Jongin would click perfectly. That after years of loving each other, hating each other, and breaking each other that maybe you would fall into the perfect passionate and loving relationship. But that wasn't it.
Bringing his hand from the gear shift to your face, he grabbed your cheek lovingly. "I'll try to get to the point you want us at. You think sex will magically fix everything, we'll try okay?"
"It's not like we're virgins, Jongin," you were sure there was a bitter undertone to your words because while you didn't care that neither you or Jongin had saved yourself for each other, it still hurt that he had slept around so much in high school. It was even worse that you had to see and hear about it the whole time you were aching for him to just talk to you again.
It made you thankful that you hadn't gone through with sleeping with Minseok because you couldn't have bounced back from that.
Jongin's eyes closed for a minute. "Y/N-"
"I just don't understand how you can go from fucking literally every girl in sight to not even being able to get to 'second base' with me. Stop treating me like your sister. We're supposed to be in love with each other, aren't we? If you can sleep with someone you don't love, surely you can sleep with someone you do love. See me like a woman for once." The anger was seeping out of you now and you didn't even think to stop it.
He dropped his hand and you watched him clench his jaw. "You act like I have no sexual desire for you."
You crossed your arms over your chest like a pouting child. "That's how it feels."
You could practically hear his teeth grind together, "You know that's not how it is. I've wanted you since I was a hormonal fucking teenager." His tone was harsh and while it should have hurt you, it didn't. He was angry for the first time since you had been married to him – well, it was the first time it was directed at you. But it was starting to make you angry that Jongin wouldn't touch you – annoyed even. You were bitter, sexually frustrated, and outright confused.
"Why are you holding back then?" And then the next words stumbled out before you could stop them. "Minseok was far more intimate-" you caught yourself finally and brought a hand to your mouth as you stared at Jongin in his eyes.
They darkened with something you couldn't catch and you could see his hand twitch. "Why don't you go be with Minseok then?" He muttered angrily.
Oh my god. You were having your first argument as a couple.
It almost made you want to smile that you were fighting and you would have had Jongin not been staring at you with such an intense gaze that you felt tears prick at your eyes. A fight meant that things were serious. "Jongin, I'm sorry. I didn't mean it," and your voice started to tremble as you realized what you had done. You compared Jongin to Minseok and that's something you should never do. Comparing two of the loves of your life would be like Jongin comparing you to Hani – which he never did. Jongin made it his goal when you were younger to show you how you were different than Hani, not alike.
He fought his anger. You could see it boiling inside him but he fought the urge to say anything as the two of you sat in the parked car and tried to cool down from the heat of your first argument.
After a few moments, he reached out and gripped your hand, "I'm sorry too. I know you didn't mean that because I didn't mean what I said. You're right. I haven't been fair to you. Let's go home, okay? Let's go home and fix this. I'll make it right."
⇻☆☆☆⇺
Jongin drove one-handed, clutching your shaking hand the whole way.
So the two of you had your first fight, on Jongin's birthday, about sex.
It made you feel weird inside.
Mostly because you weren't used to a relationship because while you dated a few times when you were away at college the first two years, you were never in one like this. Most of those relationships were flings that you would end up ending because you couldn't commit. You didn't love any other guy – or girl for that matter. Jongin and Minseok were the only people you had ever pictured yourself with and that ruined you for anyone else.
This relationship was different and maybe that's why you were so unsatisfied. After all these years, your expectations were high.
Once the two of you got inside and made it to your room, Jongin gave you a gentle kiss on the forehead. "I'm going to change and get ready for bed," he said with unsteady eyes.
Watching Jongin grabbing some clothes, you stood awkwardly by the dresser in your room. It was a normal nightly routine for you to get ready for bed in the master bathroom and Jongin in the hall bathroom since unlike a normal couple, the two of you weren't used to each other's bodies quite yet. Jongin hadn't even seen you in your underwear and even when you were wearing a towel, he'd avert his gaze.
It was odd because, at this point, you were used to people seeing your body as many times Minseok and Jongdae tended to your cuts when you were nearly naked.
Sighing to yourself when Jongin left, you walked into the closet and reached for the bag you had tucked away from Jongin's sight. Clutching it so tight the whites of your knuckles showed, you took the bag with you into the bathroom and locked the door.
It took you not one, not two, not even three, but four laps around the bathroom still in your dress and heels before you got the courage to take your clothes off and pull on the bra, panties, and matching babydoll lingerie. Wrapping your purple robe around your body so tight that you nearly lost circulation in your waist, you took your time washing your face and brushing your teeth.
Yeah, it was something you wanted but that didn't mean you weren't nervous.
Would Jongin even like your body?
It had been years since you were in even a bathing suit around him and then you hadn't been filled out the way you were now. Now you had even more insecurities. Certain parts of you that were too sharp and others that were far too squishy.
As you poked at different parts of your body over your robe, you heard a knock on the bathroom door and it made you jump away from the death stare you had been giving yourself in the mirror. "Yeah?" You croaked out.
"Are you okay?" Jongin's voice said with a tremble. "You've been in there a while."
You hadn't realized that you had been in the bathroom staring at yourself so long until you looked down at your phone and your eyes grew wide. "I'll be out in a sec," you answered back.
Waiting until you heard Jongin's feet walking away from the door, you opened your robe once more to look at your lingerie clad body and you gulped. Was this too far?
You gripped at your hair and resisted the urge to yell. Why were you wearing this fucking stupid lingerie? Why did you listen to Kat?
You would burn it. That was the new plan. Maybe you and Jongin wouldn't even have sex and you could just sleep in the robe without him knowing what's underneath and then in the morning, you would take it to the backyard and throw it in the fire pit that was back there.
You nodded. That was the plan. Burn it.
"Oh my god, I'm crazy," you whispered to yourself as you wrapped the robe back around your body and tried to get the courage to unlock the door and step into the bedroom.
It took you three tries, but you eventually opened the door and stared at Jongin who had snapped his gaze up to you as he sat on his side of the bed, hugging a pillow.
For a moment, the two of you just kept your eyes locked but then he broke it as his eyes fluttered closed for a moment before reopening. He dropped the pillow and gestured gently for you to 'come here' so you did – slowly and nearly tripping over your feet a few times before deciding that you were for sure, cutting them off tomorrow. Who needed feet anyway? Not you.
When you started for your side of the bed, Jongin shook his head, and whispered a small "No, come here."
You obliged, walking over to his side and standing in front of his sitting body. Reaching out and gently grabbing your waist, Jongin pulled you into his lap in a quick instance. His legs were planted firmly on the floor and he adjusted you so that your legs straddled his waist and your chest was pressed against his.
He held you close just to listen to the sound of your heart before asking. "Why are you wearing a robe?"
"It's soft."
He laughed. "You never wear a robe to bed."
Wrapping your arms more firmly around his neck, you nuzzled into him. "I was under the assumption that we weren't going to bed," you said slowly in a small voice.
"Are you only wearing a robe?" He asked in a strained and seemingly horrified voice.
Pulling away from him, you felt your cheeks heat up as his hands on your waist were shaking. "No."
He nodded almost to himself as he tugged at the collar of the robe. "What's under here then?" His voice had turned suggestive and involuntarily your legs felt the need to tighten around him.
You shrugged, "I guess you'll just have to find out."
Releasing the collar from his grasp, Jongin's hands found your hair as his lips pressed against yours. It was a gentle kiss at first. Sweet and almost too sweet for the lingerie that you had underneath the plush robe. Eventually, his fingers began to twine into your hair and his lips got more violent, sucking against your own as he pulled you into him.
Your heart was racing the moment you felt him run his tongue along your bottom lip and you basically melted in his lap. You felt yourself growing limp underneath his hands that had roamed their way down to your cheeks. The air around you had turned hot and heavy in a way that you had yet to experience with Jongin. You were sure to crack underneath this pressure. This was the passion that you wanted, the passion you needed.
His kiss made you feel vulnerable but in the best way. The moment his tongue begged for entrance, you allowed it as you felt yourself grow wet – or wetter; You weren't sure because Jongin hadn't kissed you like this before.
Jongin wanted dominance in the kiss and you let him have it. Jongin had let you control too much in the relationship that you needed his control here in the bedroom.
You weren't entirely sure but you thought you could feel Jongin's arousal underneath you and it had you shaking.
Once his hands released your face, he trailed his lips down from your jaw to your neck, placing gentle kisses and bites to every bit of skin his lips moved across. A squeak escaped your lips making Jongin groan and bite down on the skin just above your collarbone. His hands were working at the tie of your robe before you could process what was going on and the second you felt the cold air against your barely covered skin, you froze.
Jongin did the same, pulling back and looking at your body. His eyes hardened and he groaned once more. "You bought lingerie? For me?"
His hands pushed the robe down your arms and you let it fall from your body. You looked sideways, "Who said it was for you? Maybe I've had this for a while."
He licked his lips and scoffed, his fingers pointing out a price tag that hung below one of your arms. "I somehow doubt that."
You looked at it in horror before Jongin grabbed it and snapped it from the thin material, his eyebrows raising at the price.
"You paid way too much for this. You should have asked me to buy it for you."
"Says the guy whose hands never even grazed me sexually," you countered.
With a single raised eyebrow, his hands trailed up from where he had placed them on your waist to your sides before grazing over one of your breast gently all while he stared at you. "Can that start now then?"
Placing your hand over his, you squeezed, urging him to do the same as you moaned out. His other hand snaked around you, grazing your bottom for a moment before he kneaded the skin there gently. There was no doubt he was hard. You could feel him through his thin pajama pants and it made you roll your hips down onto him and squeeze tighter.
He moaned, dropping his head back for a moment as you rubbed yourself against him. "I'm an i-idiot," he stuttered out.
A breathy "why" fell from your lips.
"Because I didn't try to have you any sooner. It's going to be hard to restrain myself and I want to take this slow."
Grabbing onto his cheeks, you pulled his gaze to yours. "You think as my childhood best friend that you know every side of me, but this isn't one you know. I don't need slow and I sure as hell don't need you restraining yourself."
And that was all it took for the switch in Jongin to flip and within moments, he pulled the both of you up and had you pinned underneath him on the bed. His rough hands gripped your wrists as he kissed your breasts over the material of the lingerie. "Are you sure?" He asked, his voice being muffled. "This isn't a side of me that you know, either."
Pulling the straps of the lingerie and your bra down your shoulders, Jongin released your breasts, the cool air making your nipples harden even more than they already were from your arousal. He took turns, twisting each bud between his fingers in a mix of painful and delicious pleasure as you closed your eyes and moaned.
He replaced his fingers with his mouth, wrapping his lips around your nipple and suckling while one of his hands roamed down your lingerie, raising the ruffled bottom and dancing their way underneath your soaked panties.
A strangled noise came from the back of his throat as is finger rubbed its way along your soaked slit before he pressed it up into you.
Your body was on fire when Jongin's finger entered your core. Everything in you was tingling and you felt like you just kept getting wetter with his every movement.
You felt like you could come even though it was difficult to get you to come during sex.
He thrust his finger into you, curving it just the slightest as he pulled it in and out. It was slow at first but the moment you starting moaning and squirming underneath him, he picked up his pace. Jongin kissed his way down your stomach, pulling the lingerie up so he could kiss the bare skin. Nipping and licking at the skin of your hips, Jongin continued fingering you as he brought his mouth closer to your core.
You saw his eyes open and that's when everything seemed to go in slow motion. The second his eyes grazed your thighs, his finger stopped moving and you saw his eyes gloss over. He removed his finger and sat up on his knees, staring down at your thighs. You followed his gaze on your scarred legs.
They were worse off than your arms and while Jongin had seen your arms and often flinched at them, he never saw the real amount of damage you self-inflicted.
Scars coated your body in many places but the worst was your upper thigh – the only place you could truly hide cuts without worrying about them being seen. They were too high to be seen when you wore shorts but too low to be covered by any underwear.
They weren't pretty.
Harsh scars of dark pink and white were scattered in every place that once had bare skin on the tops of your thighs.
It was the first time Jongin had seen them and you saw how it was affecting him.
You saw the way he started to shake and a tear fell from his eye and landed straight on your bare skin. "Jongin-"
"No," he sobbed out. "Don't comfort me."
His fingers grazed the bumpy scars and as he did so, his hand shot back as if he had been burned.
"I've done this to you," he cried. "I'm so sorry."
Readjusting yourself to be covered, you sat up on your knees and reached for Jongin's face. "Jongin, please. It's over. It was a long time ago. Please don't let this change anything."
But he flinched away. "I don't want to touch you because look what I've done when I had been at a distance. Imagine what I can do with my own hands."
He looked terrified and you wiped at the hot tears that rolled down his cheeks. "No - it happened because you didn't touch me, Jongin. Your touch is good for me. It heals me. It helps me forget the past. I'm okay. Jongin, they're scars. Healed. They're healed. I'm healed."
It was like he couldn't hear you as he looked at his own hands. "This is why I've been moving so slow, I've been afraid. Afraid of this. Afraid of facing the reality that I really am the monster you told me I was. I don't deserve you."
His crying had you in tears as you watched him unravel in front of you. You tried to say anything to get him to calm down but he didn't.
You had to beg him to hold you as you let him cry and be angry. It made you cry alongside him because you realized the mess you were truly in. You weren't the broken one anymore - it was Jongin now and the thought killed you. Hurting yourself had only ruined everyone else in the process and it made you hate yourself.
As you fell asleep with puffy eyed Jongin, you wondered how you would handle tomorrow and where this would place your relationship.
You had no idea what you would be to Jongin when you woke up the next morning.
⇻☆☆☆⇺
Before you could even process the night before, your phone went off and you struggled out of Jongin's vice grip hold to grab it.
Your heart stuttered in your chest when Minseok's picture showed up. Licking your lips, and looking at sleeping Jongin, you answered. "Minnie," you breathed out.
"Hey."
Instantly, you wanted to cry to him. Explain Jongin's break down and ask him for advice but you knew you couldn't. If you wanted to fully be over what you had with Minseok, you needed to leave him out of this. It wouldn't be healthy or fair to Minseok to get his help with Jongin.
"Come downstairs," his voice was like music to your ears and you hadn't realized how long you had gone without it. "I need to talk to you and Kai."
You nodded even though he couldn't see you, "Jongin is sleeping. Give me a minute to get dressed."
And Minseok said a quick goodbye before hanging up.
Discarding your lingerie from the previous night, you dressed in jeans and a t-shirt. You tried your best to cover up your puffy eyes and swollen face but Minseok knew you well and you were certain he would notice regardless
Minseok was waiting at the door, and the moment you let him in your body shook. You wanted to hug and embrace him but you knew you couldn't.
"Hey."
"Hey," you said back, looking over him.
He looked good. Like he had been eating well and not drinking so much and that thought made you feel better. His hand lifted up towards your face but he dropped it. "Are you okay?" His voice was tight with concern.
You gave him a half-hearted smile. "I'll figure it out, Minnie. Don't worry about me." There was no point in lying, he would know you weren't okay.
Directing you to the living room, Minseok urged you to sit down with him. "It's not like we stopped being best friends, Y/N. You can talk to me still."
"It's about Jongin and me and I don't want to do that to you."
He snorted. "That's nonsense. You're one of my main concerns. Tell me what happened, you look like a mess."
You rubbed your hands together and looked at Minseok's gentle face. "Jongin has some issues. I think he needs help. Our relationship isn't progressing and I think he's not over the past. He had one glimpse of my scars and after that, he looked terrified to even look at me."
Minseok nodded solemnly. "It's going to be hard for him to get over now that he's actually seen the damage. It's one thing to talk about it, but another to see it." Minseok sighed. "I talk like I'm over it myself. You know I have issues with trusting you not to hurt yourself and I still have panic attacks worrying about you but even so, nothing you can do or say will ever make it better. I have to get over it on my own, and so does Kai."
"Just like I had to get over everything on my own," you concluded.
"Yes, just like that. No matter how much you want someone to heal you, you have to do it on your own. A person doesn't fix your problems – can't fix your problems. They can help you find a way to heal, but they can't heal you."
"So what do I do, then?" You asked desperately.
He shrugged, "I'll tell you what I'm doing. The reason I came here was to let you know, I'm moving. Jongdae and Baekhyun will stay living in the house next door – at least for now, but I'm going to get an apartment a few towns away and go back to school. It took me a while but after a few weeks of feeling broken, I knew I had to do something and no offense, that involves leaving you and everyone else. I think I need to find myself and I can't do that here."
It hurt that Minseok had to leave but you didn't feel the need to protest. Your heart wasn't begging him to go even if your mind didn't want him to. You knew he needed to. You couldn't rely on him the way you had before and both of you had to learn that. "That's great Minnie, what are you going to school for?"
He smiled, "I think I'm going to become a nurse," he reached out and ruffled your hair. "I think I'm best at helping people and I should channel that energy into something that is more healthy."
Your heart fluttered and you smiled at him, "I'm so happy for you, Minnie. That's amazing. I'll miss you but I think you're right, that is what's best." You could have fought it and maybe past you would have, but why? Why fight something Minseok seemed so happy about? Why fight for him to stay when he needed this? Being a best friend didn't mean regarding your own happiness, but that of your best friend.
"I'll be gone for a while and well, maybe I won't come back but I promise I'll keep in touch. You'll always be my best friend."
Tears welled in your eyes. A life where you didn't see Minseok often sounded scary but you would be okay as long as he was okay. "I just want you to be happy and things between us aren't healthy like you said. I hope this will help our relationship develop into something healthy."
He patted your cheek and wiped a stray tear away. "I think it's all time for us to grow without each other for a while. I'm happy that we're all best friends but in the interest of each of us: me, you, Jongdae, and Jongin, I think we all need to learn how to be our own people."
"What do you mean?"
"Well, I think you should get some space too. Get out of this town, go have a long vacation, get a fun or stupid job, or just go back to school."
You gave him a look. You couldn't leave Jongin, especially now. "I left once, Minseok."
He gave you a look back, "I know but when you came back you hated Jongin, had a complicated relationship with he and I, and you hadn't gotten over what happened. This time you could take some time to yourself now that you're not living in the shadow of the past. You've forgiven Jongin so now he can learn how not to live in the past."
"You think us separating will be the best for us?" You couldn't imagine leaving Jongin but you held Minseok's opinion in high regard. "That he won't spend the time beating himself up?"
Minseok let out a deep breath, "I think he's more likely to beat himself up if you're here. I think we all need to go be our own people for a little bit. Me leaving you guys doesn't make me any less of your best friend nor does it make you any less of a girlfriend or wife if you leave. Just think about it, okay?"
Putting a hand on his shoulder, you nodded. "You're right. I'll think about it."
"I'm leaving tonight," Minseok said, looking off into the distance.
Gasping, you tried to ignore the hurt that your heart felt immediately with the impact of his words. "Why didn't you tell me sooner?"
He kept his gaze away from you. "Because I'm still in love with you and I was afraid if I told you sooner, I might try to stay."
Were you still in love with him? You were sure you were. Were you over the idea of a relationship with him, though? Yes. You knew it was Jongin for you now but part of your heart would always belong to Minseok and that was hard to shake. "I get it," you replied quietly.
Being around someone you had been so close to being with, made your stomach feel weird. It made you feel like Minseok was an ex and you guessed in a way he was – but no matter what, he was your best friend and nothing would change that. Not him moving away to get over you and not you being with Jongin. But what would change is the health of your relationship and your heart was excited for the prospects of a future where your love wasn't toxic to each other.
Just like you and Jongin.
You needed a future that wasn't toxic.
A future where Jongin wasn't afraid to touch you.
And upon that realization, you realized that maybe you should leave too - ask Minseok had suggested.
When Minseok left, you hugged him tightly. You cried even though you tried to hide it. Minseok was there to wipe the tears away and tell you, "It will all be okay. I'll be a phone call away. You know I will always answer for you." But you knew that even though he said that, you shouldn't call him first. You had to let him come to you because no longer could you be the damsel in distress that he saved. You were a big girl and you were finally standing on your own two feet. You could make decisions on your own.
So you did. You knew it was time for you to go back to school and get a degree in fine arts the way you once dreamed. Touching a paintbrush didn't give you flashbacks anymore, in fact, painting was something you realized you needed more of. A couple of years of art school would do you some good. You were young and while you were Jongin's wife, you decided it would be okay to leave him temporarily. Although, you wouldn't be leaving him emotionally because Jongin was stitched into your heart.
He wasn't upset when you told him your plans. He seemed happy and maybe even relieved that you were going to do something he knew you had wanted for so long. Jongin promised that a long distance relationship was okay with him and he admitted that maybe he needed it.
While you applied to school, you helped Jongin find a therapist. It was Jongin's idea initially as he whispered in your ear one night before you went to bed, "I think I need help" and you knew it was a step in the right direction. He had to heal on his own and he had made the first leap.
The two of you promised to call each other constantly since the school you were going to was six hours away – it was no easy drive.
Stepping down from your 'big boss' position at work was like a breath of fresh air and you couldn't be any happier when Jongin suggest Jongdae take your place because you both knew you didn't intend on going back to working in an office. After you had your degree, you had a few ideas of what you wanted to do and working at an insurance company, wasn't one. Besides, who better to have your position at your work than one of the men who had saved you from yourself.
You and Jongin would be okay and you knew that. This wouldn't ruin your love because it turned out that nothing was enough to tear the two of you apart. If anything, the distance would draw you together. Once the two of you had time to become your own people, you could love each other more.
This was a new start and while you decided to remain married legally, you were going to a girlfriend-boyfriend status to take the relationship as slow as Jongin needed. While you still hadn't been physically intimate, eventually you would. The distance would make that happen on its own especially once Jongin got over the fear of hurting you.
It would be a long haul but you were ready for it. You were ready to start fresh and now that everything had been solved that could be solved, you could be free. You wouldn't have to think about Jongin hurting you or the lingering love you had for Minseok. You wouldn't have to think of how losing your sister ruined you or how Jongdae was one of your crutches. You were free for the first time in a long time.
You could feel the freedom in your bones the day you left your home and you hoped Jongin felt the same. He was going to be free too. Time would heal him the way it healed you.
When you stepped outside that morning, the chilly wind blew in your hair and caressed your skin all while the sun shined brightly in the sky above. Jongin wrapped an arm around your waist, kissing you sweetly before you left, and then, as if it were magic, the birds started to sing.