23…
I was stuck in the middle of nowhere. I was cold. My feet hurt from walking through the woods and getting stabbed by those stupid tiny rocks that crack windshields. But Roy…Roy didn’t care about any of that.
After the kiss, I checked his arm to see what I could do to stop the bleeding. But, somehow, like before, the wound was gone. The only evidence that it had been there at all was the dried blood that stained his undamaged skin.
I wanted to know why it was gone. I wanted to know what had happened the first time too. But I didn’t ask. I had asked enough questions for one morning. And Roy, he barely acknowledged what had happened. He was too busy smiling.
I couldn’t tell if it was being outside that made him keep grinning at me, or the fact that he wasn’t afraid of James popping out to punish him for being happy. Maybe it was the kiss.
Did he even understand what it meant?
Did I understand?
He was running around like a puppy, hopping over the guardrails and then back into the road to walk along the yellow center lines. I didn’t want him to, because it was dangerous and there were sharp turns in front of and behind us that could hide oncoming cars. Not that we wouldn’t hear them coming, since it was utterly quiet. But still, it made me nervous to watch him walk in the middle of the road.
“Most people typically hitchhike from the curb. Over here. Where I am.” I told him warily, glancing over my shoulder to check for cars. We hadn’t seen or heard a single vehicle since the truck earlier that morning. It should have worried me, but it didn’t. The longer it took to catch a ride, the longer we could be together.
Roy stopped walking and shifted his gaze onto my face. I smiled at him.
He smiled back.
It was like a thing, now. Our thing.
If we could even have a thing after less than a week.
Were we a thing? Was there a we at all?
I stopped walking to bite the edge of my thumbnail. Why was I thinking so hard about this now? It wasn’t the kiss. I had kissed a boy before. Once.
He wasn’t as sweet as Roy, or as cute. And it was a dare.
But that didn’t matter. Roy was still just a boy. Kissing him wasn’t what made me suddenly introspective—more so than I already was. It had to be something else.
I quickly raised my gaze from the ground as Roy came to stand in front of me, his brown hair tossed across the left side of his forehead by the wind. His pale cheeks were tinged with pink by the cold but he still grinned as he mirrored my pose, biting the edge of his thumb just like I was.
I raised my eyebrows.
He raised his.
“What are you doing?” I asked, perplexed.
He giggled.
He actually giggled.
Who was I kidding? Roy was not just a boy. He would never be just anything. I didn’t bother wondering if that should have bothered me, because it didn’t. Roy was complicated. But his complexities made mine so much more manageable. Instead of feeling like a torn, twisted puzzle piece on top of a pile of tangled, disorganized puzzle pieces, I was the last one. The one that fits in the very middle of the intricate painting. Roy was all the pieces that made up the puzzle, and I was the one that completed the picture.
God, some thoughts should never be allowed to develop.
That one, especially.
“Come on,” I laughed, stepping around him to continue walking up the road. “It’s too cold to stop walking.”
As a matter of fact, I was getting warmer by the minute. But I wasn’t going to say that.
Roy trailed along behind me for a while. Maybe he thought I was irritated and was trying to give me space. But when I tripped on a rut in the uneven ground, he was right there to take my arm and steady me.
“Thanks,” I muttered, tiptoeing around a large rock.
“You’re welcome,” he responded politely.
We kept walking.
After a while, he bumped into my arm.
“Sorry,” he mumbled quickly.
“It’s okay,” I said, laughing a little. I saw the briefest hint of a smile in his eyes before he turned his face away from me. A second later, he bumped into my arm again.
“Sorry,” he whispered.
“It’s okay.” I whispered back.
Bump.
I bumped him back.
Bump.
I snickered.
He laughed.
I gave him a playful shove. He stumbled back several steps and then hurried up to my side again. “What are we doing?” I asked, still chuckling.
Instead of an answer, I felt Roy’s arms suddenly tighten around my waist. He was hugging me playfully with his head tucked under my arm.
“Roy,” I poked him. “Roy, what are you doing?” We had stopped walking now, and stood on the side of the road.
“Lisa,” his voice was muffled against the fabric of the hoodie I wore. His hoodie.
“Yeah?” I responded, feeling oddly okay with his awkward embrace.
“It’s just…this.” He squeezed me tighter.
I teased the ends of my tangled hair and smiled, pausing momentarily to glance up at our surroundings before I put my arms around his neck. Had there been anyone around, they would have seen us standing there hugging awkwardly like a couple of weirdos.
We were a couple of weirdos. But I didn’t care. And I loved that I didn’t care.
_______________________________________________________
Lisa still smelled like shampoo.
We had been walking outside all day, and I smelled like sweat and mud. But Lisa smelled sweet, and the scent made me feel warm in spite of the cold air.
When I hugged her, the subtle scent grew stronger. I took a long breath of air, enjoying the fact that she was letting me get so close. Like she had last night.
I loved being this close to her. I loved it because it made me feel okay. Better than okay. Okay would have been good enough. I’d never wanted anything more than to feel okay. But with Lisa, I felt something much better. I felt like the whole world was okay, not just me.
And that made me happy.
I wanted to do more than hug her. I wanted to do what we did before. And I hoped that, maybe, she did too. So, I stood up, took her hand, and kissed it. I felt stupid and shy when she looked at me. Her eyes were wide and she seemed confused.
“What was that for?” she asked with a nervous laugh.
I scrubbed at my unkempt hair and shrugged. She just kept looking at me, so I focused on the ground instead. When I looked up, she was shaking her head.
“Sometimes I don’t know about you.” She mumbled.
I still had her hand. She didn’t pull away.
“We should go,” she suggested, pulling me along. But I didn’t want to go. I pulled her back.
“Where?” I asked hesitantly.
She blinked, as though the answer was obvious. “Down the road. Where there is possibly a town and possibly food. Because we are starving and cold.”
“But then where?” I urged, hoping she knew what I was really asking. Lisa was smart. She understood me somehow, even when I couldn't say what I meant or wanted to say.
“You mean, are we going back to Aunt Pam’s house?”
She figured it out. I knew she would.
“Roy…” she sounded reluctant. “You know we have to go back. We can’t just stay out here forever.”
“Why?” I couldn’t help asking.
“Because we are starving and freezing and everyone is probably worried about us.” She answered, squeezing my hand.
I shook my head. “No one is worried about me.”
It was a lie. But, at the same time, it wasn’t. James would want me back, but he would be angry, not worried. Marley was gone already. No one else knew I existed, or cared one way or another what happened to me. But Lisa…she had people who loved her.
“That’s not true, Roy. I’m sure Aunt Pam is looking for us both,” Lisa argued. “And I’m worried about you,” she added, coming closer. “I want you to be safe, and warm and not turning blue. And…I really, really, really want pizza.”
She was standing in front of me and we were toe-to-toe. I felt her hands come to rest on my shoulders. A slow breath escaped my lungs. “What’s pizza?”
I didn’t care what pizza was. I couldn’t stop looking at her eyes, and wishing she was closer. I slowly lifted my hands until they rested against her waist.
She smiled up at me.
I bit my lip.
“I’ll show you, when we get home.” She narrowed her eyes at me. “Why are you looking at me that way?”
I shut my eyes. “I’m not.”
“You were.”
I shook my head.
“Roy.”
“What was that thing?” I asked suddenly, keeping my eyes shut.
“What thing?” Lisa asked. The suspicion hadn’t left her tone.
“The thing. That we did. When you…” I peeked at her and slowly raised my hand to her lips. They were soft, but cold.
Her eyes widened. “The kiss?”
I didn’t move, letting the tips of my fingers brush lightly over her chin.
“We kissed.” She shook her head. “God, how is it possible a teenage boy doesn’t know what a kiss is?”
I let my hands fall to my sides as I took a step away, feeling embarrassed. It was another thing I should have known. Another reason why I wasn’t normal.
“Roy, you’re not…I mean, you haven’t ever…” she swallowed as the pale skin of her cheeks turned pink. “I guess not.”
“What?” I asked, unable to look at her.
“Never mind,” she mumbled. “I feel like I just stole somebody’s first kiss.”
“You didn’t steal anything,” I told her quickly. “I-I liked it,”
“Yeah, I guess I can’t possibly be the first girl you’ve ever met.” She chuckled lightly, and then stopped. I glanced over and caught her peering at me closely with an expression that I didn’t understand. “Roy, I’m not the first girl you’ve met, am I?”
I didn’t know how to answer. She was the first Lisa I had ever met. The first person who looked like she was my age. The only one who smelled sweet like sugar or had such pretty hair. The only one who held my hand or made me smile so big. She was the only one I’d shared a kiss with.
The only one I would ever want to kiss again.
I didn’t need anyone else.
I only needed her.
____________________________________________________
“Oh my god.” I turned away from him, my fingers digging into my scalp as I pulled the hair from my face. I knew the answer without him having to say a word. It was written all over his face. It had always been written all over him. It should have been obvious to me. I should have known.
I was the only girl Roy had ever met.
No wonder he was so nervous at first. No wonder he wouldn’t talk to me, or look at me. I was like, like…like some kind of alien thing to him.
“What was I thinking?” I mumbled, shaking my head. “I thought you were just naturally awkward. I didn’t realize…and that’s why, last night…when you asked to stay…”
I gasped. Oh god. Last night.
“I let you sleep on my bed, with me in it!” I squeaked. How cruel. How could I be so cruel? “I am an awful person,” I breathed, staring up at the sky. “I am an awful, horrible person.” Slowly, I let my gaze roll over to his face. He was wide-eyed and confused, and had every right to be. “I’m so horrible,” I mumbled through my fingers. “So, so, so horrible.”
All this time I had wanted to help him. In the end, all I was really doing was confusing him more. All the things he must be feeling, all the strange emotions he must be having. How could I have not known?
“Roy, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to…to do whatever it is I’ve done. I’m not even sure what that is, but I know it can’t be good. None of this can be good.” I rambled, shaking my head. “We should never have…I should never have kissed you.”
His whole demeanor changed when I said that. The confusion left, replaced by a look of intense pain. “Why?” the word came out quick and full of emotion.
“Because I…because…it was a mistake.” Because good people don’t go around taking advantage of inexperienced boys, that’s why. But I couldn’t bring myself to say it.
“I don’t understand,” he said through clenched teeth. I could tell he was trying not to cry.
“I know,” I sighed. “That’s kind of the point.”
He looked away from me then, a small tear rolling off his jaw and onto the fabric of the shirt he wore. My shirt.
He hadn’t been able to explain why he wanted that shirt. But I knew why. Because he was infatuated with me, that’s why. And I couldn’t blame him, because I had all but forced him to be, with my touching his hand and inviting him into my room, and sharing my earphones…
God, I’m a monster.
I had driven an innocent, inexperienced, unkissed teenage boy to care about me. I was an unintentional tease, but a tease nonetheless. And I felt so guilty.
At the same time, I felt more than guilt. I felt stupid and naïve. Stupid, for thinking that he was being awkward because he liked me, and naïve, for thinking that anything could actually be that simple. Not in my life. Nothing is ever that simple.
I looked over at Roy. He was standing there in my shirt, fists clenching and unclenching at his sides. He kept looking from my face to the ground, over and over again. He didn’t say anything. He didn’t know what to say, I was sure.
“It’s okay, Roy.” I told him, biting my lip. I walked over to where he stood, quickly patting his arm a couple of times. He observed my movements and tried to take my hand. I took a step back. “Um, let’s not do that,” I said.
His brow furrowed. “Why?” he asked again. “Is it…is it the rules? Do we have to follow the rules now?”
“No,” I said forcefully, jerking my chin upward in defiance. He looked more confused than before.
“Then…why, Lisa?” the way he said my name made my heart ache. But it was just one more reason to follow through with what I knew I had to do now.
“We can’t hold hands Roy, or touch, or kiss, or any of that stuff.” I took in a sharp breath before continuing. “We can’t do those things because…because you’re not my boyfriend, and I’m not your girlfriend.”
Roy blinked. I knew he wanted to ask what those things were. But he didn’t, because at the same time, he knew he’d only be proving my point somehow.
“We can be friends though,” I added quickly, watching his eyes. He was rapidly breaking down, growing more anxious and distressed. He wasn’t crying, though. He was getting stronger, even if he was still so easily confused.
“F-friends?” he repeated haltingly.
“Yes Roy, friends. We’ll be friends.” I insisted.
“What does that mean?” he asked.
A genuinely good question. What did that mean? Just friends.
“It means…we get to hang out, and talk, and do fun things together. You can tell me things, and I’ll tell you things, and we’ll get to know each other.” I explained, bouncing a little on my heels to ward off the chill.
“Do I get to hold your hand?” he asked stiffly. It looked like his lips were going numb. Mine were. My teeth were chattering too. Whatever warmth we’d been able to hold onto was gone now, which meant we needed a ride, soon.
“Sometimes,” I said reluctantly. He reached for me again. I pulled away. “But not now, Roy. Only sometimes. When it…when it feels right.”
He nodded, biting back tears. “Okay,” he said quietly, looking down.
“Okay.” I rubbed my hands together. Everything was getting colder. “We should go.”
We kept walking, side by side. Roy was doing just as I asked. He hadn’t tried to hug me or anything since we agreed to be friends. But he wasn’t smiling, either. And that’s what hurt the most. I had stolen his kiss, and then his smile.
I didn’t need anyone to tell me that what I had done was wrong. I realized there was a reason why people did what they did to me. Why my parents lied to me, and stopped talking to me. I understood now why they sent me to Aunt Pam.
I had never realized it before, but now…now I knew that I was a bad person. And I was okay with that. I’d never met a good person before. Even Aunt Pam, as amazing as she was, had skeletons in her closet. Hearts she’d broken. People she’d hurt. Everyone was bad. Humans are innately horrible. It’s in their nature. At least, that’s what I used to think.
Until I met Roy.
He had his secrets, but there was so much good in Roy that it just radiated from him. It wasn’t the kind of good that made all us bad people feel guilty. It was the kind of good that made me think that there was something special left in the world.
That’s why I couldn’t encourage his affection. That’s why I couldn’t hold his hand. I had to protect him from the bad in this life, even if I was part of it.