A/N: Hayy guys! Sorry for not updating in a while I just haven't had much inspiration these past couple of weeks. On top of that I've been binge watching This Is Us and if you've seen the show then you'd understand.
I've called out of work, my Kleenex budget has doubled and I haven't been able to focus on anything since I started it. My Snapchat was literally filled with videos of me crying because it's just so damn good. It hurts to watch but it also hurts not to watch.
Hope you guys can forgive me!
^.^.^
I feel my heart bang furiously against my chest as the words fall from his lips. He said it, he said those words. Like somehow he's been reading my mind and knows exactly what to say to get me to open up to him.
I take solace in his arms and take in a deep breath. I tell myself that this is a good thing. We needed to end up here and we were always going to. This was the only way for me to learn how to fully trust him despite this uneasy feeling in my stomach.
I start by telling him about my current family. How ma is a college professor and a single parent. I tell him about my oldest brother, Keon. He's in his final year of college and studying to be some type of engineer. He wants to fix planes and such and well he already knows about David.
I stop talking letting that sink in and eventually he speaks up. "You said your mom was a single mother. What happened to your dad?" He questions.
I knew at some point he would as and at some point I would have to tell him. Like I said before I've never fully told a Vanilla about what happened to my family. Having no idea where to start I remain quiet for a second.
"Remember when you asked me why I hit you up?"
"Yeah"
I let out a breath between my lips. "It's because of my dad, it's his birthday today" Cole's demeanor changes to a more happy one congratulating me but I tell him to stop. He senses my non-excitement and asks my why I don't look happy.
I shrug my shoulders, "Because I'm not happy. Ma left with Keon and David's mad at me and honestly I don't want to be alone and the only person I wanted to be around today was you" I answer resting my head against his chest.
He questions me about Queen and Jade. "I never called them. I just wanted you here"
"Why?"
I feel a lump form slightly in my throat as I try to explain, "Because um-two years ago my father was killed" I reveal to him. I feel his body tense a little as I mindlessly begin playing with the buttons on his shirt.
"Police brutality, a cop shot him in the streets"
He doesn't say anything and I think it's because he doesn't know how to respond. I don't blame him though, I still don't even know how to respond to all of this. I continue on telling him that I was sixteen when it happened. I can still remember that day as if it just happened yesterday.
I remember my brothers and I walking home. Me begging for some stupid phone case and how annoyed I was that she wouldn't give in. Looking back on it I can't believe how upset I was over something so meaningless.
Then we heard the pounding door.
I feel him wipe my face and I realize I must be crying now. "She was yelling about something on the news and we were so confused. Ma broke the news to Keon first and there was this pained look on his face when he found out. I'll never forget that" I stop for a second to clear my blurry vision and I feel his hand slip into mines.
He gives it a squeeze as the memories in my head play out. It's like I can feel the exact same emotions I felt back then. The anxiety, nervousness and wishing that what ever happened wasn't as bad as it seemed only for it to be the worst thing that I could ever imagine.
"We ran home to find ma on the couch crying with my Auntie holding her. We turned around and there he was" My voice struggles to stay strong and my heart feels like it's shattering all over again.
"Kendra you don't-"
"No" I interrupt him.
"Please let me finish I need to tell you. I need you to understand why I am the way that I am"
He stares at me with sympathetic eyes and I try to continue. At first I didn't feel anything but soon I felt everything. Every emotion he could possibly imagine hit me all at once and I felt like my entire world was crumbling.
"He was gone just like that" I tell him with the snap of my fingers. There was no reset button and everyday I woke up thinking that maybe it was all a dream, but it wasn't. It was cold stone reality and I couldn't change a damn thing.
"He died in the middle of the street with no one by his side except a crooked cop who thought his life wasn't worth shit" My voice comes out shaky and broken.
When they trial came they acquitted him of all charges. He was exonerated and walked free while my dad's blood stained the concrete. From then on I realized the truth and that truth is it's a dangerous world for people who look like me. We're always targeted and killed and there is no justice for us.
There was no justice for him.
I lift my hands to my necklace and trace my fingers over it. Cole watched me with a pained look on his face before wrapping an arm around me pulling me closer to him.
"Do you see now? Why I treated you bad in the beginning, why I treat all of you so bad?" I question him. There really is no other way to explain this so I need him to see. I need him to see who I've become.
"Do you see who I am?"
He nods his head but a part of me doesn't think he does. I think he's just telling me whatever I want to hear. "You don't understand do you?" I ask hopelessly.
"I do understand"
"No you don't, you'll understand" I say in a barely audible voice while putting my face in my hands.
My cries become louder and soon I feel two hands around my wrists pulling them apart. He takes my chin in one hand and lifts up my face so that I'm looking directly at him. "I understand you and I see you okay?"
My bottom lip trembles a little. "What do you see?" I ask.
He presses his lips into a line before closing his eyes for a half second. When he opens his eyes their trained on me and only on me.
"I see a girl whose been through so much. There's been so much pain that it's burned a hole in you that you just can't seem to fill. So the only thing you can do is fill it with anything you can hoping that the pain will just stop for a minute."
His voice is full of emotion as if my pain mirrors his own and his words hit me in ways I didn't think they would. Not only that but of course as always, he's right. I do need a minute where I'm not thinking about how much I miss. Where I'm not hurting at the thought that I'll never see him again or hear his voice. The thought brings even more tears out of my eyes and I feel them drip down my cheek.
"I'm broken Cole" I confide in him.
"I feel like there's a piece of my soul missing and I don't know how to fix me. No matter what I do, or say or try and hide it there is no escaping this feeling that I have."
I've felt so many emotions these past few years and I had no way to process them. So instead I turned into the very monsters I hated and I hate that about me. I never want to be one of those monsters.
He wipes away the last of my tears and I have to say sitting here with makes me feel a whole lot better. Even though we're not talking I realize that we don't have to. Just his presence is enough for me.
We sit in silence, me looking at him and him looking down at the carpet. He begins biting down on his lip and I can't help but stare; I feel an irresistible desire to kiss him. I've been staring at his lips all night. Memories of how soft they are come to mind and all I want is to feel them on me again.
I make the bold move of curling my hand around his neck and leaning in so that our foreheads are touching. As I run his hair through my fingers he snakes his arm round my waist pulling me closer to him.
Even though we're both not talking I sense he feels the same way that I do, he's feeling the same longing that I am.
"You're not broken" His voice is low and husky, almost like a whisper. His breath hits my skin sending chills down my spine as he moves hairs out of my face.
"I know for a fact that if your dad was here he'd be proud of you" He shares a small smile. "I'm proud of you" My inner desire to kiss him grows and without wasting another second I connect my lips to his. His grip on me instantly tightens as I give everything that I have to him.
My fears and doubts.
My broken soul and shattered heart.
Everything that I could possible feel and do feel.
I give it all to him.