I slump at my desk as I wait for the first bell to ring. I really want to go to the nurse and claim sick but I have a calculus test and I can't afford to miss it. My stomach is hurting at the thought of seeing Nate again. That is if he even shows up to class. But with what knowledge I have of him, I know he would never skip a class.
After last night--and now this morning--what I really want to do is talk Mr. Faunt into giving me a new lab partner. We haven't even started on our project so I didn't see the big deal in doing so.
But a little piece of my mind knew that if I did that, then I wouldn't see the caramel eyed boy and I don't think I can stand that. Sure, he's in a few more classes of mine but we don't get to talk like we do in this one. It's strange how you can become obsessed with someone even after such a short amount of time.
Because that's what I am: obsessed.
But I am also stubborn. Which means that I'm not going to aid to Nate's ego. He didn't like me the way I liked him back, that's fine. He didn't want my help, that's okay. But that meant that he gets none of me. Not my attention, not my help, nothing. Zero. Zilch. Nada.
I sat in the back of the room once I walked into Faunt's class even though I know that we are going to be called to sit with our partners anyway. Mr. Faunt had emailed us that today was going to be the only day we get to work on our group project in class. Of course. I guess I just wanted to show that I still had some freewill left in me.
It feels strange sitting back here after a month of sitting up front with Nate.
"Where's that partner of yours?" Ryan asks beside me once he walked into the room. He smiles at me as he sits down. Clearly he didn't see the show in the hallway minutes ago.
"Does it look like a know?" I snap. "It's not like I keep tabs on him."
"Yikes. Who pissed in your cereal this morning, Kelly?" Ryan laughs but I can see him regarding me strangely out of the corning of my eye. I also see Mariah take a seat next to him. She was there to see me break up with Danny, clearly, by the hesitant look on her face. I'm sure she will fill him in.
I push my long hair out of my eyes with a sigh. My hands hook around my neck and I gently massage the tense muscle there until Mr. Faunt calls for us to pair up with our partners and start researching.
I drag my eyes to the front of the classroom and see that Nate had managed to sneak in without me noticing him doing so. From the back, his hair seems to be tousled, little spikes of hair shifted out of place, and I long to walk up to him and smooth it down. But I don't because my equilibrium is back on track after this obnoxious morning.
Instead, I stand and toss myself into the desk next to him. He jumps and for a second I feel guilty. Even though my crappy mood is mostly because of him, I know I shouldn't be acting this way. But I keep chanting in my head that I should act this way so he understands that I'm leaving him alone from here on out. I am removing myself out of his life once this stupid project is in the books.
We were only minutes into silently flipping through pages of our one hundred pound textbooks, our classmates' voices filling the mindless void, their eyes curiously shifting to Nate and me up in the front of the classroom, when Nate clears his throat.
I close my eyes as if to block out the stares and wishing to block out his words. I've about had it and it wasn't even nine o'clock yet.
"Thanks for what you did in the hallway." His voice comes out shaky and unstable as if he really wished he didn't have to be so polite. But this is Nate we're talking about. Polite is his middle name. "I'm sure your friends will be mad about it but... Thanks."
"Don't," I say too sharply. I don't bother to look at him because for some odd reason it hurts too much. "I don't care what my friends think. I thought I made that very clear. And I'm not a nice person. Don't act like I am." I open my textbook and use the index to find the topic of our project. "Should we get started?"
I tell myself that this is for the better. I want him in the safezone, physically and socially, which means I need to be this way. I don't want to cause anymore pain in his life. Yes, his social life was probably considered worse before the accident but now people act differently around him. Instead of pushing him around they now skirted around him as if his fate was contagious.
I can't help but lessen the blow of my words as my heart constricts in my chest. "Also, please don't talk about yourself like that, Nathaniel. All this," I wave my hands around me, "will be in the past someday. It's ridiculous how people put others down for their own shits and giggles to climb the totem pole. High school doesn't define much. I'm finally now realizing that..."
I remember faintly a few incidences where Nate had been shoved into lockers along with his nerdy friends and I don't doubt that I laughed along with the likes of Danny and the rest. Then I did nothing and even though today I spoke up like I should have back then, I didn't feel great about it. Speaking up for this boy made things worse. I have painted a giant red bullseye on Nathaniel's back and it was hunting seasons for people like my friends. My friends, jeesh. Do I even call them that?
"Are you okay? You know... After what happened..." Nate asks timidly after more solitude. So now he wants to talk?
I scoff bitterly. "Are you insinuating my role in the breakup that is bound to be all over social media by now?" I grimace at the thought. "Yeah, I'm freaking fantastic."
"I'm sorry." He doesn't give a hint to what exactly he is sorry for and the sadistic part of me wants to verbally list off the bullets but the thought of actually doing that would take up too much energy. I doesn't matter anyway.
"I'm not," I admit. Sure my feminist ego is bruised but it was dust in the wind. "We both know that I don't want to be with Danny." I manage to sneak a peek at him as I say this and am pleasantly surprised to see a small ghost of a smirk pull up on those darn lips. But it disappears before my mind can register if it was really actually there. Hope springs in my chest but I smash it down with a frown. I can't backtrack now.
"Still. He shouldn't have said those things about you." Nate scrolls through his iPad and listens to the automatic voice reading into his ear for a second before he jots something down.
"I'm sure you buy into all that though, don't you? Because all I could possibly want with you is something in return." Sarcasm drips from my words and I almost hate myself for throwing Danny's word back into Nate's face. But then again, Nate used a similar sentence last night.
"I don't." Nate insists rather forcefully, as if he himself is trying to talk himself into it. "I don't believe it."
"I don't really care if you do or not, Nathaniel. Let's just keep working. Okay?" I try to keep the bitterness out of it but it doesn't matter anyway. I don't do very well at keeping my emotions hidden whether they come out in my voice or facial expressions.
Nate doesn't say anything and looks back down towards his desk and for that I am thankful. I close my eyes while resting my head in my hands. Can this day be over?
"Kelly," Nate says once the bell rings for class to be over. I turn to him but my eyes stay on the door to where there is air that isn't shared with my lab partner. "Do you want to meet up to work on the project tonight?"
"Can't," I automatically say. My mind has gone into overload and I don't think I can manage a school day with the nerves of meeting up with Nate later. "I work."
"How about tomorrow?" He's being persistent and it's getting on my nerves.
I eye him suspiciously. "I have cheer practice."
Nate's jaw clenches and he looks to be gritting his teeth. Oh how the tables have been turned.
"The next day?"
"Football game." I try to keep the humor out of my voice which isn't tricky considering people are whispering to their friends and looking at me as they make their way out of the classroom. I want to find the closest janitors closet and lock myself in it.
"This project is forty-five percent of our grade, Kelly. I would like to do well on it and I know that you do too." When did he get so gutsy to speak this way with me? Was it after the first kiss? The third? "When would you like to get together to finish it?"
I look at him and my throat feels like I swallowed a handful of saltine crackers. It's hard to swallow your own pride. I tell myself that the faster we get this project over with the faster I can go back to my old life.
"Fine. Tomorrow after cheer practice works best. Be at my place at six." And with that, I strut past him and continue on my day.
It isn't until lunch time that I start to feel guilty with how I treated Nate. I'm slowly making my way through the lunch line when it dawns on me that lunch might be a tad awkward. Sure enough, when I look at my normal table that I have sat at everyday for the past three years, my friends along with Danny's are laughing and chatting. Danny himself is animatedly telling a story, his hands flying threw the air while chewing his sandwich like a cow.
With measured movements, I pivot and make my way out of the lunch room. It was better to eat by yourself then sit with people who didn't like you at the moment, I figure.
I make my way outside, the sun not doing much for the sunny day, and think about heading back inside to get my jacket when a lanky form leaning against a tree catches my eye.
Nate.
But he's not alone. Trent and Gavin from the other night at the arcade are there along with the redhead Molly who has stationed herself right next to the man of the hour.
I stand there gnawing at the inside of my cheek and contemplating on whether to approach them or get into my car and drive home. My dad was supposed to have the day off today, a once in a blue moon dispensation for him to spend the day golfing at the country club, so I'm sure he wouldn't even notice me walk through the big red door of our family home. But I veto the idea and truck through the green grass to where Nate and his friends are sitting.