Twenty-One: Vanessa Gerleen
Comfortable. That was what I'm feeling right now. Maybe because of this strange blanket draped over me. Why strange?
Well, mainly because it felt...weird. Like do blankets feel this warm? And smell this good?
Couldn't help it, I inhaled, breathing my strange blanket's smell-mint with a mixture of woodsy smell. Far from the vanilla scent of my fabric conditioner.
At that, I halted.
Something's wrong.
Still in dazed but with a hint of inquisitiveness now, dahan-dahan ko nang iminulat ang mga mata at napuno ng kulay-balat ang paningin ko. Not just plain skin though. But a skin covering toned muscles. Bumaba ang mata ko at nakakita pa ng mas maraming balat. Now I could even see the defined ridges of muscles as if they were expertly carved.
Pinigilan ko na lang ang sariling bilangin iyon at mas ibinaba pa ang tingin. Then I saw something out of place of the smooth toned surface. There was a trail of small hairs in the middle, just below that small dip, going south, somewhere hidden by a black cloth.
Black cloth. Inulit ko ang bahaging iyon sa isipan. At parang ilog na rumagasa ay sunod-sunod nang tumakbo sa isipan ko lahat ng natunghayan kanina.
What. The. Hell.
Now that I was completely awake I could already tell what the actual situation is.
Obviously, the one I was hugging and breathing in a while ago was not my blanket, but Tyler's body. And his half-naked body was completely over me too as he hugged me back.
Hindi ko ala m kung anong nangyari at walang saplot iyong itaas niya. Ang tanging alam ko lang ay kailangan ko nang kumawala dito. At ginawa ko iyon. Agad akong bumangon, bahagyang naitulak palayo si Tyler sa ginawa.
He groaned, stretching both of his arms. And I wished he didn't just do that. His muscles flexed because of the movement. And I bit my lip as I forced myself to look away.
Nakarami ka na kanina. Vanessa. Wag mo nang dagdagan pa.
"Hey," Tyler murmured and I almost swoon.
Ang sexy ng bedroom voice niya. It was a kind of sound you'd want to hear every morning. Parang inaaya ka ulit mahiga sa kama at manatili na lang doon.
Napailing ako.
Ano na naman itong pinag-iisip ko? Still feeling awkward, I brought my eyes back to Tyler and fixed it on his face. My fingers found the hem of my shirt and tugged on it, feeling nervous suddenly.
Tinapatan ni Tyler ang tingin ko saka bumangon, umupo na rin gaya ko. At sa kanyang paggalaw ay nanatili namang steady lang ang mga mata. And my eyes widened when the bare part of him I was avoiding made an appearance before my eyes. Okay.
Napangiwi ako't iniwas na ang tingin doon. I took a glance at Tyler and saw him trying to look at me innocently. Pero kahit na walang ngisi sa bibig niya'y iba naman ang narereplika sa mga mata niya. It was shining with mischief and I couldn't be wrong.
I glared at him then finally moved my eyes away. Tinanong ko na ang dapat ay kanina pang tanong. "Bakit wala kang suot na pang-itaas?"
Tyler cleared his throat and I felt him shift on the bed. "You don't remember?"
Napaupo ako nang tuwid sa sinabi niyang iyon at agad ko rin siyang tiningnan, pinanlakihan ng mata. "Anong ibig mong sabihin?"
"What happened last night," sagot ni Tyler habang diretsong nakatingin sa akin.
At pakiramdam ko'y dumoble pa ang laki ng mga mata ko. Ano bang pinagsasabi niya? Sinubukan ko ring halughugin ang isipan pero wala talaga akong maalala.
Unti-unting sumilay ang ngiti sa labi ni Tyler at sunod ko na lang namalayan ay humagalpak na siya ng tawa.
I narrowed my eyes at him, utterly oblivious of what's going on.
Napansin naman iyon ni Tyler at tumigil siya sa pagtawa saka napabuntong-hininga. "Alright. I was just kidding. You have nothing to worry because nothing happened. About this," he gestured at his body. "I don't know really what happened. But I actually go to sleep bare-chested so I've might take off my shirt while I was sleeping."
Nagbibiro lang siya at sinabi niya na rin ang dahilan kung bakit wala siyang saplot. Pero hindi ko alam kung bakit hindi pa rin ako matahimik. Marahil ay hindi lang kasi iyon ang issue. I also woke up to us hugging.
Kaya't tinanong ko rin iyon. "Why were we...hugging then?"
Tyler was not able to answer right away and just stared back at me. There was something in his eyes. Hindi ko mabasa kung ano talaga iyon pero agad din iyong nawala nang medyo nahihiya siyang napangiti.
At doon naman ay mayroong naglaro sa isipan ko. It was when Jena and I shared a bed one time.
"You almost choked me while we were sleeping," Jena told me when I saw her in the dining. Nagising akong wala na siya doon sa tabi ko sa kama.
Tumaas naman ang kilay ko sa kanya. I was unaware of what she's talking about.
She rolled her eyes at me. "You were hugging me this tightly," paliwanag niya saka iminuwestra pa yung kamay kung paano ako yumakap. "Grabe, nagulat nga ako nung bigla ka na lang yumakap sa akin. I was trying to get your arms off me but you wouldn't budge."
Napangiwi ako doon sabay ng pagbigay sa kanya ng nahihiyang ngiti. I didn't know about that. All my life, I went to bed alone. Well, may times na nasamahan akong matulog ni Mommy but she never said anything about my sleeping habit. Hindi ko alam na gan'un ako matulog.
I blinked, not believing that memory. Kung ganoon nga ang siste, ibig sabihin...
Napailing ako. Nice, Vanessa. Real, real nice.
I looked around, avoiding Tyler's eyes. After that revelation from my lovely brain itself, hindi ko alam kung kaya ko pang tingnan si Tyler sa mata. And just in time, I saw the time in the clock on the wall. And hell. Tama ba 'yung oras n'un?
"OMG!" I shrieked. "Past seven na!"
Napatingin doon si Tyler. "Tama ba 'yan?"
"Yes," sagot ko saka hinagilap yung phone ko. Well I was wishing na nagkamali 'yang orasan. But it was working right. When I found my phone, I checked the time and was in rumble as I confirmed the time.
Eight o'clock 'yung pasok ko at sure akong ganoon din si Tyler. And I usually spent a lot of time in the bathroom. Tapos magbibiyahe pa kami. Not that GU is very far from here. The thing was we have classes to attend. And we were running late.
Tumayo na ako, bumaba ng kama saka inabot ang towel na nakasabit doon sa handle ng cabinet.
"I'll use the CR first," I called out to Tyler as I hurried to the restroom.
"It's okay, I'll just use the CR next door," narinig ko pang sagot ni Tyler bago ko isinara ang pintuan at nagsimula na akong maligo.
After the fastest bath I'd ever have in my life, lumabas na ako ng banyo at nakahinga ng maluwag nang makitang hindi pa nakakabalik si Tyler. I was just in my robe and a towel in my head.
Sa pagmamadali kanina'y hindi na ako nakapagdala ng pamalit na damit. Nagmadali na lang akong magpalit saka nag-ayos ng mga gamit. And it wasn't long when there was a knock on the door.
Pumunta ako sa may pinto at binuksan iyon at ang bagong ligong Tyler din ang bumungad sa akin.
"Okay ka na?" tanong niya sa akin.
I nodded at him. "Kunin ko lang 'yung gamit ko."
And I did that then we left afterward.
*
From: Ren
She's not here yet. Where are you na ba?
I let out a sigh of relief when I read that. Tapos ay nagtipa na ako ng reply.
To: Ren
Malapit na. Hope she won't arrive anytime soon. : -(
Mabuti naman at wala pa 'yung prof namin sa unang subject. Kahit kasi gaano namin binilisan ay inabot pa rin kami ng pasado alas otso sa daan. Though we were close now to GU.
But I was still thinking about Tyler. Kung wala pa ang prof namin, hindi ko alam kung ganoon din 'yung sa kanila.
Napatingin ako sa direksyon niya't nakitang doon pa rin siya sa daan nakafocus. Actually, simula noong nakasakay kami dito, parang puro ako na lang ang inintindi niya. Tinanong niya kung wala na ba akong nakalimutan. Siya rin yung nagsabi na magtanong na raw ako sa klase kung naroon na ba 'yung prof namin o wala. Thus me texting Ren.
We reached the university and Tyler headed to the parking lot near our buildings. Nang oras na huminto na ang sasakyan ay kinalas ko na 'yung seatbelt ko.
"Thanks, Tyler," I told him and unlocked the door, and was about to push it open when he called, "Wait, Vanessa."
Napalingon naman ako sa kanya. I raised a brow up. "What?"
He shifted his eyes from mine down to my body. I felt a little bit conscious, not knowing what that look meant. Pero agad rin namang ibinalik ni Tyler ang tingin sa mga mata ko. "Your shirt."
My forehead creased. Hindi ko talaga alam kung anong ibig niyang sabihin. Pero nang bumaba rin ang tingin ko sa damit ay doon ko pa lang napansin kung ano 'yun.
"Oh shoot!" I exclaimed when I saw my top was inside out. Napakagat akong labi. Sa kamamadali ito. Sunod ay tiningnan ko ang labas.
There was a comfort room in the ground floor of our building. Pero kahit iyon na ang pinakamalapit dito, I don't think I can go there without people noticing my shirt.
Yellow yung kulay ng top ko, tapos yung pagkakatahi pa doon sa mga laylayan ay sobrang noticeable. And people seeing me like this would totally be embarrassing. Bakit hindi ko ba nacheck kanina?
As if noticing my dilemma, Tyler cleared his throat then said. "I have a suggestion."
Tumingin akong muli sa kanya. "Ano yun?"
Tyler shrugged. "You can just fix your shirt here."
My eyes slightly widened. "Dito?" parang tanga kong ulit. "Sa harap mo?"
Asiwa siyang natawa saka ngumiwi. "Of course I won't look," he assured me. "Plus you don't have to worry being seen. Tinted naman 'yung mga bintana."
I weighed his suggestion. Truth was I don't have any time for that. Any second now our professor could be in our classroom already. Kaya tumango na lang ako. Isa pa, nagtitiwala naman ako kay Tyler.
"Turn around then," I told him. "And close your eyes."
He did what I said. At kahit sa medyo nanginginig na kamay ay sinimulan ko nang hubarin iyong damit ko.
I knew Tyler was not looking and this was not the first time I was half naked in the same room with him. Pero may iba pa rin sa pakiramdam. And to think the scenario was way innocent now, my heart still didn't survive the abnormalities in my heart. Parang gustong kumawala sa ribcage ko sa kaba.
Pilit ko na lang tinaboy ang mga damdaming iyon at agad na isinuot iyong damit ko.
I combed my hair with my fingers then called Tyler's attention. "Okay na ako."
Tumikhim muna si Tyler bago humarap sa akin. He nodded at me. "Let's get to class."
*
Bago pa man makatuntong ng classroom ay panay na ang dasal ko kaya naman sobrang nagpasamalat ako nang makitang wala pa roon ang professor.
My classmates' looks was a different story though. Puno ng pagtataka ang mga tingin nila sa akin habang naglalakad ako patungo sa pwesto ni Ren. I didn't mind them and took my seat.
I looked around and saw her open her mouth, about to say something. Pero hindi na rin niya naituloy 'yun dahil muling bumukas ang pinto. And came in our professor.
Ren glanced at my way again and smiled but her eyes were holding a lot of questions. At isang malinaw doon ay ang tanong kung bakit ngayon lang ako. At alam kong wala akong kawala.
"You overslept?" Hindi makapaniwalang tanong ni Jena sa akin habang naglalakad kami sa hallway papuntang cafeteria.
It was Ren who opened the topic about me being late. Pero gaya ng inaasahan, yung bestfriend ko ang naunang nagreact.
"You were never late at school, Van. Kahit na nagpupuyat tayo dati, kaya mo pa ring magising nang maaga," dugtong pa ni Jena. "What happened?"
I shrugged, not knowing what to answer. Ano nga bang sasabihin ko? Hindi ko naman pwedeng ikwento 'yung nangyari kaninang madaling araw na sa unit ko nakitulog si Tyler dahil basa 'yung buong unit niya. Na sa iisang kama kami natulog.
Especially that Ren's here. I still don't know what the real score between Tyler and her older sister, Olivia. At kahit naman wala namang ibig sabihin 'yung nangyari sa pagitan namin ni Tyler. Like it was just a friend helping another friend. Still, alam kong hindi pa rin magandang pakinggan saka hindi ko alam kung anong iisipin sa akin ni Ren.
"Arquilla," tawag sa akin ni Jena at alam kong seryoso na siya. She just used my last name.
This girl wanted an answer.
So, I tried to give her one. "Super late lang talaga akong nakatulog kaninang madaling araw. I don't know. Serious case of insomia, I think."
Seryoso pa ring nakatitig sa akin si Jena, at alam kong hindi niya pa satisified sa sagot ko. Tinapatan ko lang naman ang tingin niya, sinubukang kausapin siya sa tingin. I would tell her. Just not now.
And I didn't think that would happen sooner than I expected. Balak ko talaga'y mamaya na lang kapag tapos ng klase. Pero nang magpaalam ako sa dalawa na mag-CR lang at mauna na sila sa cafeteria ay hindi ko naman inaakalang may palihim na sumunod sa akin.
Not until I went out from the cubicle there and got a call from Tyler.
"Hey," he greeted back after I said my "hello". "Kumusta? Nalate ka ba kanina?"
"No," sagot ko pumuwesto doon sa harap ng lagayan ng hand sanitizer. "Thank God naunahan ko 'yung prof namin. Eh ikaw? Kumusta?"
He chuckled on the other line. "Well, I'm not as lucky as you. Maagang dumating 'yung professor. But she didn't mind me being late so I think I'm good."
Napaismid ako doon saka umulit sa isipan ko 'yung isang salita sa mga sinabi niya. She. Siguro gumana 'yung charm ni Tyler doon sa prof nila kaya okay lang na late siya.
Sa pananahimik ko'y nagsalita ulit si Tyler. "Are you in the cafeteria now?"
"Nope," sagot ko sabay iling. And I hit myself mentally realizing I just shook my head as if he could see me. "Pero papunta na rin. Ikaw? Break niyo na rin diba?"
"Yes," he answered back. "The guys are suggesting this place outside the campus. Mukhang doon kami kakain. Pinagbigyan ko na kasi ilang beses na silang nag-aaya doon."
I smiled, remembering his classmates that were with him when I overheard them talking. Nakakatuwa na atleast ngayon hindi na siya nagtitipid ng lunch dahil makakasama na siya sa mga kaklase. Makakakain na siya nang maayos.
"Enjoy your lunch then," sabi ko at inaakalang doon na magpapaalam si Tyler.
Pero hindi nangyari iyon at sa halip ay isang tanong ang pinakawalan. "Vanessa, is this okay?"
Napakunot ako ng noo, walang ideya kung ano ang ayos lang. "What do you mean?"
There was a deep sigh from him. "I mean this. What we're doing. What I'm doing. Tell you honestly, ilang beses kong pinag-isipan kanina kung tatawagan ba kita o hindi. I mean gusto ko talagang gawin iyon but I don't know if that's okay or if this is what friends do. Heck, I even want to eat lunch with you."
Hindi ako nakasagot. Sa totoo lang, wala rin akong ideya. This is the first time I had a guy friend. At ang malala, ex crush ko pa. But aren't friends should be treated equally, whatever the gender is?
And I do these things with Jena so I guessed Tyler and I were okay. And I told him that. "This is okay." Saka huminto at inisip na magpakatotoo na rin. "Actually, you're the first guy I'm friends with kaya hindi ko rin talaga alam kung anong gagawin. But maybe we can do what we feel is normal as friends."
"So we do what we do," Tyler stated. "Get it. Sige na maglunch ka na."
"Okay," sagot ko at pababye na dapat nang magsalita na naman siya. "Ah, Vanessa, mamaya sa Golden Lives ha?"
"Yes, I remember," tugon ko. "See you later."
"Yeah, see you later," he repeated. "End the call now."
At iyon naman ang ginawa ko. It was when I heard the door of the another cubicle opened.
Oh. May kasama pa pala ako. Muntik na naman kung saan-saan mapunta ang isipan ko pero agad kong pinigilan iyon. It was not like I was having a private talk.
Kaya't ibinalik ko na lang ang cellphone sa bulsa at saka nagtungo sa sink para maghugas nang may mapansing pamilyar na mukhang nakatingin sa akin. Masamang nakatingin sa akin.
Napamulaga ako sa gulat kasabay ng pagsapo sa dibdib. "Jena! Anong ginagawa mo dito?"
Nabigla ako doon ah.
Jena rolled her eyes. Tapos ay pinagkrus ang kamay. "Sino iyong katawagan mo?" tanong niya, hindi pinansin ang naunang tanong ko. "And guy friend! Kelan ka pa nagka guy friend? And was he checking if you were late earlier? At gan'un ka rin? Sino ba 'yun ha? Siya bang dahilan kung bakit ka nalate kanina?"
Bigla niyang kinalas ang parehong kamay saka napatakip sa bibig. "OMG! Were you guys together earlier? Sabay kayong pumasok? Bakit sabay kayong pumasok? Anong meron? Don't tell me di lang friend yan, ha! Naku, Vanessa baka may ginagawa ka nang milagro ha!"
Bubuksan ko na sana ang bibig para magpaliwanag nang magsalita na naman si Jena. "Hoy! Ano na? Bakit hindi ka sumasagot? Totoo lahat ng iyon ano? OMG, Vanessa!"
Sinamaan ko na siya ng tingin. Paano kaya ako makakasagot e hindi nga ako makasingit sa dinami-dami ng sinabi niya. Buti na lang talaga kami lang itong laman ng CR kung hindi baka kung anu-ano na ang naisip ng kung sinuman ang nakarinig sa aming dalawa.
I raised both of my hands, palms up. "Can you let me explain, first?"
Magsasalita na naman sana siya nang iharang ko ang kamay. "No, you're not allowed to talk until I get to tell you everything first."
Tumango-tango naman si Jena, saka sumenyas na parang izinipper yung bibig.
Huminga naman akong malalim saka ikinuwento sa kanya sa mabilis na paraan iyong nangyari nitong mga nakaraang araw. How Tyler and I became friends to how he was temporarily staying in my unit.
At nang matapos na ako ay inaantay kong mag-react si Jena pero ang ginawa niya lang ay tingnan ako.
Tinaasan ko siya ng kilay, naghihintay pa rin sa sasabihin niya. Saka na siya napabuntong-hininga.
"So, it's Tyler," she said. Pero sa pagkakasabi niya'y parang nais niya pa ring kumpirmahin.
Tumango naman ako. Doon siya napailing sabay huminga na naman ng malalim. "Do you know what you're doing, Vanessa?"
Medyo natigilan ako sa tanong niya. Actually, it was the tone of her voice. Masyadong seryoso. At sa tono niya'y parang isang napakalaking pagkakamali ang naging desisyon ko.
"What do you mean?" hindi ko na mapigilang tanong.
"Okay, I know how secretive you are when it comes to heart issues but I am your friend for a reason," umpisa niya't medyo kinabahan na ako. "Kilala kita. Hindi mo man sinasabi dati pero nahahalata kita. I chose not to say anything thinking nakaget over ka na dun. That you've moved on from your crush with Tyler. It was when we're sixteen and you were hostile with everything that's about him. Then suddenly, you'll tell me now that you guys are friends I don't know."
I sighed. Of course, hindi ko na-disclose kay Jena yung tungkol sa pagtingin ko dati kay Tyler sa pag-iisip na secret ko lang 'yun. But obviously hearing Jena now, I was not successful in keeping it.
I smiled at her. "I'm sorry if I have not told you about that," una kong sinabi. "I...I just don't know what to do with my feelings back then. But trust me, everything's okay now. Truth is, alam din ni Tyler 'yung feelings ko sa kanya. And he never entertained it. And I'm already over it. Ang tagal na n'un. We just you know get to bond because of that old lady we were helping and we realized na we're okay as friends. So, we're doing this now."
Hindi pa rin siya sumagot kaya nagpatuloy ako. "I don't know, Jena. Hindi ko rin naisip dati na pwede mong maging kaibigan yung dati mong crush na nakapanakit sa'yo but it's happening to me now and know what? I'm happy. I like this friendship with Tyler. I feel like we are really meant to this, be friends."
She let out a deep sigh again. But this time, it was different from the earlier ones. This time, it was resigned, like she was already letting me. "If you put it that way, makakatanggi pa ba ako?"
I smiled at her. "Thank you. Don't worry no one can replace you as my best friend."
She smiled at me smugly. "Dapat lang ano!" sang-ayon niya. "I'm irreplaceable kaya!"
Natawa ako sa kanya at sinabayan niya ako sa pagtawa. Pero hindi nagalaon ay medyo sumeryoso na naman siya. "But be careful, Van. Okay? Baka mamaya bumalik 'yang feelings mo for Tyler. And know what they say? Mas malala kapag 'yung dating feelings ay bumalik. Baka masaktan ka na naman."
That made me serious also. Pero asa huli'y nagsikap akong ngumiti. "It won't," I told her, but inside my head I knew it was much more for myself. "Friends na lang talaga this time. I already learned my lesson."
Jena nodded, finally agreeing with me. "If you say so." She then smiled again. "Tara na, baka hinihintay na tayo ni Ren. For sure, nagtataka na 'yun bakit ang tagal natin."
I laughed at that. "Sure, pero maghugas muna ako ng kamay."
"Wag na! Mas masarap kumain nang hindi naghuhugas."
I made a face. "Ew!"
Napahalakhak siya. "Sige na. Maghuhugas din ako."
And we did that. Pero sa kabila ng mga pagtawa'y hindi pa rin maalis sa isipan ko ang mga binitawang salita ni Jena. Would that happen? Would I fall again with Tyler?
I believed the answer's no unless I'll let that happen.