CHAPTER TWENTY TWO: i lost a friend
-
"UNOS has clocked her into the second, we know this! why must you repeat it every time?"
the woman, doctor, frowns weirdly, almost as if she couldn't properly answer my mother correctly. "it's just what we say to our patients family, we know how hard things are for them in these times of—"
finn, who sits in the corner chair of the room all but growls, his hands are woven into his luscious raven locks, pulling down at the ends stress filled, "quit the bullshit," he mutters and the way his voice breaks next isn't lost on my heart. "she...she lost it didn't she?"
the pinkness of the doctors lips darken slightly as she bites them, and a dreaded drunken feeling once again looms over.
there it goes again.
"i'm sorry...she's just not as sick as the others. you have to understand that organ donations are—"
"i understand that my daughter is dying and this is her last shot to living a full life doctor!" mama snaps harshly and i could only watch as my father gently tries to coax her down, she shakes him off with a glare; but he's angry too. i can see how his eyes shine infuriated at the woman.
at the system.
"and now you come in here and try to tell me to understand that just because she's not dying right now, that she's denied a new liver?! how dare you even try and—"
"miranda—"
"no robert!" she bites. "you don't get to say anything still! you left me with her all alone and now you're suddenly back? trying to make all the decisions and over rule all of what must be done to protect our daughter."
papa stands straighter, his eyes gardening and his words feel like a punch to the gut. even if it's not mine.
"oh here we go again. always one to bring up the bloody past! we'll maybe i'm trying to help now but you're still as stubborn and ignorant to even give me a chance!"
i can feel my lip want to quiver; it wants to but i can't. i only find myself licking lightly at my lips in a tired manner.
the doctor stands uncomfortably still, her position stiff as a board by the door as she watches my parents continuously yell. her worried eyes meet mine and i stare blankly back for a moment before giving a shake of my head; some sort of acknowledgement to walk away.
it was the only thing she could do anymore.
she's not even there anymore when mother rants about something of talking to the board and stomps off, my father following as well with heated words.
i breathed softly, a sigh escaping my lips heavily at the same time finn had, and i watched longingly through my lidded gaze at the boy. he looked more like a man now though.
like years of stress and tiredness had finally started to hit him.
but still as beautiful as always. i didn't think that would ever change for him.
"i'm sorry."
our eyes meet now, him closer now as he walks over to the side of my bed. i shrugged lightly, holding in a wince from the simple gesture that only seemed to cause pain.
"not your fault my parents are problematic," i whispered flicking my lips into a gentle smile and the action causes my heart to soar when finn grins back.
"still, i know you don't like it when they fight."
"well yeah, but you're here so i think that's good enough."
i see his hands move over my face, feeling the way he runs the pad of his finger over my chapped lip and cheek, before suddenly fixing and pulling at my beanie, chuckling at my small frown when he playfully pulls it over my eyes.
i giggled lowly, managing to bat his hand away before fixing the hat myself.
even without hair now, he still looks at me with bright eyes. like i'm the sun.
if i'm his sun he's my universe.
vast colors of pinks, blues, greens, and purples, surrounded by dark clouds of hurt and speckled of infinite stars and planets that make up for it with hope and adoration for life itself. all encompassing, mesmerizing, and gravitational with freckled constellations on his skin that seemed never ending.
"you're beautiful."
the words leave my lips unexpectedly but i couldn't find it in myself to really mind, even if i didn't count on it.
the young man's cheeks turn a dark cherry red and i smiled as he hid his face in his hands, elbows resting on the side of my blankets.
"brown stop trying to make me blush! i look like a watermelon when i do."
"that was my point."
"brown!"
his overwhelming grin melts away after a couple of seconds and soon mine is too; just the calming silence of being with one another.
i'm so lost in thoughts; in the silence, that i don't even realize is his face moving closer, and lips pressing to mine sweetly.
breathlessly.
shakily my hand finds its way into his hair, tugging at his collared shirt and pulling him in even longer when he tries to break the kiss.
there's something different about that way our lips move than before; and maybe it's the way that it never seems like enough; like how i could stay here with him for hours on end until our lips turn blue. my insides turning to jelly, with the feeling to dance at how he makes my heart swell.
absolutely smitten and taken.
i love you, i love you, i love you.
the words seem too simple, too easy. i've said them too many times to count now and it's never enough with him.
like i needed a whole new word to be created; to describe this particular warm—burning, feeling i was feeling.
where the hell would i be without you?
my mouth leaves his as it feels as though something suddenly cracks, voice breaking just as much as his own face seems to crumple overwhelmingly like we had been thinking the exact same thing.
"how are we suppose to end?"
finn's ravenous locks bounce gently as he shakes his head almost frantically at my words. "i...i don't know brown. i've been with you for only a short time, and you've given me what feels like forever," he says, teary eyes blazing intensely back at mine.
"i don't want be alone again millie, i don't know how anymore."
there's a new burning intensity behind my eyes and nose now at his pained expression.
"i've been all alone since mom left and i-i can't let you go. i'll never let you go."
"finn-"
"millie-"
it's hard to continue speaking anymore, not when my tongue feels so heavy and weighted as if i would choke if i spoke.
"i'm sick of loosing people," he says. "i can't be alone again."
i can finally see now how he's as messed up as me and it's hard to imagine a smile ever gracing his face.
shakily, finn breathes deeply. "we're supposed to grow old together brown...i can't imagine doing this all with anyone else but you. i mean...imagine just a little you and me running around in this world millie." and he actually manages a dry chuckle at that idea, the hope in his eyes dim but the thought blinding.
"and i want that finn. i want that so very badly, but i...i need you to be ready because—"
"don't."
i physically have to bite my lip to prevent from finishing the unwanted but needed sentence.
"w-what if a transplant does come in? what if some how you get one before..."
"then i'd have a better chance incredibly," i responded. "it'd still be hard for me considerably that it just won't magically take the cancer away, but—it'd be our best shot."
"i pray for you every night," he blurts almost. "i pray and rant for you—over you."
my lashes must be a clump mess, they feel heavy and drenched when i blink astoundingly at him. i didn't know how to respond.
how could i?
"i hope he—whoever's out there listens," i speak softly and then we're kissing again.
they type of kiss that feels like it lasts lifetimes.
i can feel the colors in the air surrounding everything but the space between his lips.
like some kind of drug made just for me exists on his mouth.
from before the moment i found him, i thought i knew what love was, but i've learned love will do what love does.
and if i'm gone tomorrow i know what was ours still will be.
we were probably never meant to meet, but then we did. who knew why?
not just someone sweet passing by.
he probably didn't even know he had gave me something to believe in from our first encounter.
"are you millie brown?"
oh, if only things were different.
if i wasn't sick.
and as i stared at his swollen matching lips i was thrown back to the moment i had finally met him.
it took minute to register that it was the boy, due to my disoriented state, before i quickly trembled for the lock. i felt my heart race as the door swung open, revealing the mysteriously wild boy.
his hair was curled as it fell lightly off his forehead, wisps twirled at the base of his neck. he had this grin plastered on his lips and i couldn't help but notice how the smattering of freckles he had, trailed all the way over to the corners of his sharp jaw.
i realized i still had so much to learn.
i found myself gazing at the boy gently, wanting to keep staring for some reason. he was like a painting, one that i couldn't figure out the meaning of yet.
that i may have figured out the painting that laid inside the boys eyes, but i still had yet to even begun to uncover the gallery of collateral art that barely scrapped the surface of his soul.
he was beautiful in every way and i couldn't imagine a life where i never got to experience all that.
i didn't want to.
"there is not enough words to describe to how you make me feel millie. there are a lot of thing i would like to say to you, but...i don't know how," finn whispers and i sniffled, closing my eyes and reaching for his hand.
"just tell me that you love me," i say and i don't have to open my eyes to know he's smiling.
"i love you millie bobby brown."
he kisses every part of me he can.
"i-"
my cheeks, the slope of my nose.
"love-"
my jaw and chin, the soft skin at my neck.
"you."
and then finally my lips again.
it's not as intense as the others but it's all the same passionate and almost just a hint of desperation at the end of it.
it didn't care if it would hurt, i wanted to have control of my life again.
i would give up forever just to touch him, cause i knew that this was the closest to heaven; with him.
i just wanted my life back.
and hours later, when i see it flash all quickly past my eyes i'm almost positive that i'll never get it.
it's all hot flashes and drained energy; like something has suddenly popped boils of compressed angry pain and it's finally bursting now.
it's bright lights.
it's the screaming beeps of sudden doctors and nurses.
it's-"get UNOS on the phone right now!"
it's the sobs and unmistakable wails of my parents loosing their daughter.
it's the breaking of, "the list—we never finished! millie, y-you can't—we're NOT finished yet!"
and then it's the, "let me do something! anything please, i can do something i know it."
i can't feel anything now and for awhile i'm sure i'm dead and that the after life is nothing but darkness, until finn's coarse and thick voice reaches my ears once again.
"save your strength and stay alive."
and finally it's, "i'm saving you."
-
this chapter is all over the place BUT MAN that cliffhanger. will finn actually be able to save her?
only 1 chapter left and and an epilogue!
also if you got any of the songs i was inspired by when i was writing i love you!
anyways i'm sorry i took so long but i hope you like it.
love, angela.