» Grief, I've learned, is really just love. It's all the love you want to give but cannot. All of the unspent love gathers up in the corners of your eyes, the lump in your throat, and that hollow part of your chest. Grief is just love with no place to go. «
☼ Mackenzie Ziegler ☼
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"Don't. You. Dare." I warn Johnny in all seriousness, holding my hands out from my body so he can't thwack me with the wet dishcloth.
"But I do dare." He grins maliciously, before tipping his head back with laughter.
I take the escape, sprinting around our kitchen and giggling like crazy. I hear him set down the glass he was holding and then he runs after me, yelling. Clumsily, I run towards the lounge, where Maddie, Jack, Mer, Dale and Ashley are watching a movie with Jack Junior and James. Surely he won't attempt to hit me if they're around.
I was wrong. I reach the lounge door puffing and out of breath, unable to open it fast enough as my fingers have now crumbled under the pressure. I hear John laughing, and I spin around fast so I'm leaning against the door, while bracing myself for the hit. He makes towards me as if to hit me and I shriek, but at the last second he puts an arm around my back and hooks another around my legs, lifting me bridal style. My dress hitches around my waist, making it shorter. I secure my hands around his neck for safety but plead for him to set me down anyways.
The door opens, and Maddie's voice floats through the hall. "What are you doing?"
Jack and James start to giggle like the six year old boys they are. Mer and Dale chuckle too, which makes my cheeks become hot. Ashley just laughs obnoxiously.
"Coming to watch the movie, duh." Johnny grins obnoxiously.
To say this boy has changed a lot in the last three years would be a massive understatement.
After a few long months of me moping after my parents died, he declared something needed to change. We graduated, and both had absolutely no idea what we wanted to do for a career. We bought an apartment together; with the savings I had from working for The Professional Cuddler, my inheritance, and his savings too. The apartment was everything we wanted... for a while. It has big, sunny rooms with high ceilings and lots of space, it's situated near the Blackfriars bridge, and there's three bedrooms– just in case.
The new living space only served as a distraction for a few months, and we soon hit a low point in our relationship. Johnny stopped sleeping again, making him upset and fragile, (he refused to cuddle me in his foul moods) and I became less attentive to him as the days dragged on. When I came home from his parents house one day to find him drunk, crying, and completely out of it on our apartment floor, something in me snapped. He drunkenly confessed he missed the old us, and I kissed him over and over and told him I missed him too.
After that night, we rebuilt our lives. He let me help him sleep, however tentatively. We started to rejoin our families again, and earnt money by working in supermarkets and busking on the busy London streets. Our cupboards slowly became stocked again. Our bedrooms were filled with flowers.
This was pleasant enough for a few months, but it was never a long term plan. We quit our jobs eventually, let Maddie and Jack move their family into our apartment, and focused all our attention on planning a holiday, a holiday in which we could find ourselves and decide for real what we wanted to be.
We travelled Italy. Rome. Greece. Backpacked through Spain, did volunteer work in France. Taught English to kids in Germany, worked on wheat farms in Wales. Learnt how to Irish dance in Ireland; that was a laugh. We took pictures, tried new foods, experienced new cultures, made love, and overall learnt so much about ourselves and each other.
Johnny became so much more to me than a boyfriend. He became my best friend. He grew immensely; he became more outgoing, learnt how to be cheeky as well as caring, and got taller and taller and taller. I feel like a midget next to him; he's 6'2" now.
So yes, Johnny and I have changed a lot. So much that family members and old friends don't recognize us anymore. When Jack and Maddie met us at the airport, they were stunned. We were loud, we couldn't stop smiling, and I was four months pregnant.
Since being back in Central London, Johnny has gone to university so he can eventually become a primary school teacher. I've begun to write my first book while pregnant, so we can get income in some way, but money isn't really an issue with us. Teaching kids in Germany gave us plenty of money, as did working in Wales. Jack and Maddie are helping us ready for our baby.
The pregnancy wasn't planned at all, it was a very big shock, but in hindsight I can see that it's made Johnny and I that much closer. Many say we're too young, but I'm the same age as my Mother when she had Maddie, plus, I couldn't care less about what others think right now. There's not a perfect age where everyone in the world should have a baby, but this is ours.
✧
The kids movie finishes within half an hour, and when it finishes we head through to the kitchen to eat afternoon tea. The dishes lay untouched on the bench and Johnny smirks at me when I notice the tea towel is still clutched in his grip. I roll my eyes lovingly at him.
We start to make pancakes for afternoon tea; I make the mixture, Johnny cooks them, and Mer serves them up. The rest of our family arrives for Johnny's 21st birthday celebration; Ria, Jada, Bryah and Taylor all walk here after their day at school. (Jack and James aren't attending because they're sick.) Small get-togethers like this always remind Johnny and I why we came back to London. For them, and for us.
When I catch Mer scolding Ria for squirting whipped cream into her mouth, I laugh loudly. Johnny grins down at me while letting Bryah sit on his shoulders. She's munching on a pancake and giggling constantly. Maddie's deep in conversation with Dale, and Jack is amusing the rest of the kids by seeing how many pikelets he can fit in his mouth.
Ashley nudges me in the shoulder in amidst the chaos. "Hey." She smiles.
"Hiya." I say, smiling back and turning to face her. "How've you been?"
"Alright." She says. "Better since I've graduated."
I nod. "You decided what you want to be yet?"
She shakes her head. "No... but can I ask you something?"
"Anything." I confirm, curious.
"Are you pregnant?" She smiles, eyes questioning.
My eyes widen, hand subconsciously flying to my stomach. "I– how'd you know?"
"You and John just seem really happy." She shrugs. "You're also showing."
I gasp in mock horror, removing my hand from my belly. "Are you calling me fat?"
"Maybe." She smiles, and we burst out laughing.
I look over at all my family before turning back to her, slightly solemn. "Jack and Maddie are the only ones that know."
She closes the gap between us and gives me a hug, whispering now. "When will you tell the rest?"
"I've been debating telling them all today... and John really wanted me to, but I'm just scared of what Mer and Dale will think." I whisper back, heartbeat rising at the thought.
"Just do it. They'll find out eventually." She then pulls back. "Good luck."
"Thanks." I squeak, watching her walk away to get something to eat.
John comes to find me then, setting Bryah down to play with the kids and greeting me with a kiss. "You going to eat something?" He asks after pulling back, gesturing towards the pancakes.
"I can't stomach it." I laugh nervously. I then drop my voice lower. "I– I think I want to tell them John."
"Are you sure?" His eyes glimmer with hope.
"I am." I smile, kissing him again. "Can we do it now though? I don't like being this nervous."
He puts an arm around my waist, smiling and nodding without a complaint. "Hey guys?" He raises his voice. "Kenzie and I have some news."
It takes a while, but the room falls silent eventually. I brace myself, looking up at John and tentatively rubbing a hand over my tummy. "In the next few months... we're going to be parents. I'm five months pregnant."
Maddie and Jack gasp, pretending to be shocked. Maddie rushes forward to give me a hug, laughing silently when her head is over my shoulder. I hit her lightly, telling her to knock off the theatrics lovingly.
"My baby sister is all growed up." She pulls away gently and I notice her teary eyes. I realize then she wasn't kidding or being dramatic, or even taking the mickey because she already knew. She really is happy for us.
"Congratulations!" Fifteen year old Jada yells out. Ria looks shocked, but she's smiling.
Jack gives John a bro hug and James and Jack Junior run around screaming in what I can only hope is excitement. Maddie proceeds to tell them to be quiet. Ashley stands behind Mer and Dale, who seem very surprised.
Johnny pulls me to him, placing a hand gently on my stomach. "Mum, Dad?" He asks nervously, wanting an opinion.
"I don't know if I approve..." Dale starts, and my heart beats into overdrive, "Of the fact that I'm going to be such a young Grandad!" He then finishes before his face cracks into a smile.
We all laugh, and I brush away my tears. Dale comes to hug us both, taking extra care with me, while Mer hovers behind him.
Johnny looks expectantly at his mother, who promptly bursts into tears. "I'm so happy for you!" She wails, embracing him and rocking back and forth.
She sniffs, pulling back, and moves on to me. We laugh at each others tear stained faces, before she wraps me in a hug.
And I break down then; closing my eyes tight and sobbing into Mer's motherly embrace.
Because I miss my Mum.
She strokes my hair and I only cry harder. I'm distantly aware of John herding everyone into the living room, and it makes my heart hurt. I cry because I miss her more than ever, and I cry because I remember the words I said at my parents funeral.
The moments I miss them will be intensified when I feel as if they should be there.
My past self was right. I miss her now; my chest aching and my eyes burning, more than I ever have. I want her to be here so badly it hurts.
"You're going to be such a great Mum." She tells me, hiccupping.
I nod, still crying.
She strokes my hair again. "I will be there for you every step of the way, yeah? I'm always here for you Kenzie."
"Thank you." I sigh, pulling back from her and wiping my eyes.
The room is now empty, save for John, who's lingering in the doorway. Mer excuses herself to go tidy up in the bathroom, but she's still crying as she goes.
"I'm sorry." I laugh, wiping away my tears. "That got really emotional really fast."
"I suppose I'm going to have to get used to that over the next few months." He smiles.
"Yeah, you will." I chuckle.
"Come here." He gestures after a few moments of silence. I comply, tucking my head into his chest.
"I miss them so much." I mumble, swallowing back more tears.
"They all do." Johnny sighs. "Maybe you should talk to your family about it."
I nod eventually. "I think I will."
And wrapped up in Johnny's hug, I feel a lot better.
He's my reminder. The one that makes me remember I have to cherish the living, rather than mourn the dead.
Johnny has taught me so many things. He's taught me so many things, but mostly...
He taught me how to professionally cuddle.
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[2249 words]
I'm crying in the club right now,,, how is this book finished already? :(
I can't believe how happy this book has made me. It's been so fun to write, and I really hoped you enjoyed the epilogue. It took me about five hours all up so you better have, lololol. This book has many lessons and take aways but the main message is this:
Love your family members deeply and irreversibly, as you never know when the worst could happen. Cherish the people in your life that are living, rather than mourn the dead.
Thank you all for reading this story, I am IMMENSELY grateful for every single vote and comment. It makes me really happy to hear positive feedback :)
If you would like to read more of my writing, I will now be focusing all my time and attention on my new book miscellaneous. The book is definitely a happier read, and has little cliffhangers, so I think you'll all like it haha.
Lots of love,
Trinity <3