» Maybe, true happiness is when we are happy with ourselves. «
☼ Mackenzie Ziegler ☼
✧
Johnny and I finally release eachother after a few minutes of silence. I clutch onto his elbows, gulping back tears. "Should I talk first?"
"Yes. He sighs, looking down at me through miserable green eyes. "But it's taken us a long time to get here and there's so much you need to know. We need to get in the car."
"Okay." I release a shaky breath and walk behind him to the car. He opens the door, gesturing for me to get in the backseat. He clambers in after I do.
"Hello Dale." I say polietly, managing a kind smile.
"Hey, Mackenzie." He replies.
My smile disappears after a while. Johnny reaches over to do up my seatbelt for me. My heart melts. I take his hand gingerly, slotting my fingers between his. His thumb makes slow circles on the back of my palm.
"Why'd you go missing Kenzie?" He says very quietly. My eyes flick over to his Dad, in the front seat. Without a word, he turns up the music and puts the windows down. Cold air passes through the car but the noise is enough to give us privacy. Dale can't hear us as we whisper.
"I needed you." He admits, so quietly I can hardly believe he said it.
"I know, and I'm sorry." My eyes fill with tears as I whisper back to him. "I was scared, and a bit overwhelmed. I needed a break but I should have told you."
He lets out a deep breath, closing his eyes. "It's okay, I know now, I know now."
I lean my shoulder on his, shrinking away from the cold air passing through the window. "Why did you run away?" He questions again.
I smile weakly. "Today was my eighteenth birthday... no one remembered." I trail off. "I'm irrational, self-destructive. It was so stupid of me–"
"Stop it, Kenz. I'm so sorry, I feel horrible. If my parents forgot my birthday, I would have run away too." He reassures me.
We're silent for a bit until he turns towards me again. I look at him, curious. His eyes are puffy around the edges, and red, and his hair needs a decent trim. He's been running his hands through it, I can tell. Dark undereye circles make him look like he's aged many years. I feel horrible all of a sudden, because he probably hasn't slept at all without me. A small tendril of guilt unfolds in my stomach.
We keep staring, looking, taking eachother in with wide eyes.
"Happy eighteenth." He whispers, mockingly taking part of my lip with gentle fingers and twisting it upwards to form a smile. I smile for real, and he leans his forehead to touch mine.
My eyes flutter shut. "Your Dad–" I protest weakly.
"Couldn't care less." He whispers back before slanting his cold lips over mine.
I haven't kissed any boys before Johnny, but even I know that he's an incredibly good kisser. With ease, he gives me soft, open mouthed kisses that make me shiver in delight.
"Your procrastinating." I whisper to him as his lips leave mine for a second. Our foreheads touch again. "You said you had a lot to tell me and it's making me really nervous."
He sighs, going in for one more kiss before he settles back.
My eyes open. I feel dazed, filled so much with dread that I can't think straight. The anxiety slowly eats away at my insides.
"Earlier today, I went to look for you at your house." Johnny starts, swallowing hard and looking away from me. "Your parents–" He tries to get the words out, opening his mouth, but nothing comes. Tears burn at the back of my eyes and a tight and uncomfortable lump in my throat forms. Johnny breathes in deeply, brushing away his tears.
"John–" I try to say, but he lays a hand on my thigh, stopping me.
"Your parents are dead Mackenzie– they were shot by a Schizophreniac who killed your parents and then himself."
Nothing could have prepared me for that sentence.
"What?" I rasped, and then, "you can't be serious!" Much louder.
"I wish I wasn't." He chokes out, shaking his head.
There's no other words for it; I burst into tears. He holds me as I sob, and sob I do. The tears are wretched, filled with anguish and pain. Wrapped in his arms, I scream and cry for what feels like forever.
"My siblings." I break away, remembering. "What's happened to them! Who are they with godamnit!" I then scream, snapping in anger.
"They're going to my house now, they're all safe, I promise you." He half begs.
"And what, you're just going to take care of them forever?" I wail quietly.
"For the next three days, they're in our custody."
"Three days? Three days is nothing!" I counter.
"Compared to nothing, it's pretty good." He mumbles, upset.
A thick and uncommon silence stretches throughout the car. I shake my head.
"God I'm sorry John, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to ungrateful, I just– they're really gone?" I question.
"They're really gone." He sighs heavily.
For a long time, I cry in his arms. He joins in sometimes, but manages to be strong and be my rock for the rest of the car ride. With nimble fingers, he spreads warmth across my back by rubbing my shoulder blades calmly. Tears soak our clothes, sticking his shirt to my face, and the burning in my throat never eases.
"Johnny?" Dale speaks up from the front.
"Yeah?" He replies, looking up.
"You need to tell Kenzie about the fiancé part... We'll be home soon and need to have the story straight for the police. They'll most likely be here all night."
"Fiancé?" I question quietly, confused.
Johnny sighs wearily. "In order for all your siblings to stay at my house, we had to be direct relatives. Since the only link between our families is me and you... Dad told them you were my fiancé. If you want your brothers and sisters to stay at mine you might want to stick to that story, make something up for the police."
"Okay... I– thank you." I mumble, wiping away the tears.
He looks down at me again, empathy and compassion filling his expression.
"Don't leave my side." I whisper.
"I wouldn't dream of it." He replies.
✧
"Ashley." I say. "Ash."
The girl in question turns, and upon turning to me her face softens. "Kenzie." She sighs.
I walk through Johnnys kitchen, grabbing her and wrapping her in a fierce hug.
"We were so worried about you." She chokes.
"I'm so sorry." I sob. "I should have been there, I should have been there to save them–"
"You couldn't have." She breathes out, pulling back and looking at my face. "Mum and Dad had us all herded upstairs, locked in our room and hiding. If Ria hadn't got to the phone– we would have all died."
"Okay okay." I sigh. I've got all the time in the world to cry; Johnny and I definitely won't be sleeping much tonight. "Where is everyone?"
"In here." Johnny pops his head through the door, gesturing towards the lounge. I loop my arm around Ashleys shoulder, making her feel like the younger sibling again. She doesn't often have to take care of everyone, so this afternoon would have been exhausting for her.
Jack and James have passed out on the couch next to Johnny's Mum Meredith. Bryah is sitting in Johnny's lap on the beanbag, and everyone else is lying on a makeshift mattress with blankets surrounding them. The TV is blaring, but they all stare blankly forwards, clearly not listening.
"Hey guys." I greet, and their heads turn to mine.
"Kenzie!" Jada and Ria exclaim, rushing to get to me. Taylor rubs her eyes as if it's almost not real, but jumps up just the same. All three of them grasp me tightly, and I sink onto my knees so I can become as close as I can to them.
"I love you. I really really love you guys." I whisper to them, hands fluttering.
They all chorus back their I love yous, crying with happiness that I am alive.
This was the moment I realised it had all been worth it; the late nights reading to Taylor, the grievous hours spent helping Jada and Ria do their homework, and the long afternoons where I would walk them home from school and give them afternoon tea. Because without realising, I had become something so much more than their Sister, or even their Mother. I had become their friend.
And although I no longer have legal guardians, or caregivers look after my siblings and I, I knew we would be okay. Because I know can do everything in my power to keep them together, and I can still love them like crazy. Because they are alive. And I never will take that for granted ever again.
✧
"Goodnight. Try sleep everyone." I whisper quietly, standing up and making my rounds.
First I kiss Jack and James on the forehead, before moving across to do the same with Jada and Ria. They give me quick hugs. I exchange a few words with Ashley, and then kiss Taylor. Bryah is very reluctant for me to go, and almost starts crying, but is fine eventually.
When I'm standing at the lounge door, I look back at them all. The now-orphans.
Johnny and I spent the last half hour moving heavy mattresses and duvets from the upstairs rooms down to the lounge so that they would all be able to sleep in one room; it was the least I could do for them. Before that I had to go through at least two hours of gruelling police investigations. It was harsh, but they were just doing their jobs I suppose.
I shut the lounge door, walk two metres to the side so they can't see me and slip down the wall in absolute gruelling pain, tears running down my face instantly.
Quiet crying is the worst kind.
I cry for myself, and for the pain I feel, but mainly for them.
For the pain my sisters and brothers will go through every single day for the next however long.
Every time one of their friends talk about how they hate their parents, they will feel a stab of envy in their chest. Every time a teacher asks them to talk to their parents about something, they will break a little inside. And every time they remember a small detail about one of our parents that triggers them, they will cry, just as I am doing now.
My eyes squeeze shut, and quiet whimpers force their way out of my mouth. I fold in on myself, curling into a ball, and squeeze a hand over my mouth to stop the sounds from escaping. I sniff multiple times, shoulders shaking nonstop.
The grief consumes me, pulls me in, wraps me in it's hold. I feel like I'm spinning, like Alice in the damn rabbit hole, flailing around in the dark and wishing it could be over.
I can't help it anymore. A loud sob escapes. My eyes widen, and I crawl off to a corner of the room, hoping nobody can see me in the dark.
"Kenzie?" Johnnys voice sounds out, loud and clear.
I hear something drop onto the table, most likely his keys, and the lights flicker on. His gaze falls on me, huddled in a ball in the corner of his kitchen.
"Oh love. Goddamnit Kenzie." He immediately drops everything he's holding and rushes towards me, falling on his knees like I did earlier. I reach for him, but we topple over, ending up in a mess of limbs on his cold kitchen floor. I cry out, using my hand to muffle the sound, but he pulls it away. I tuck my head into his chest instead, placing my arms around his neck like a monkey.
Without a word he somehow manages to get me upright. "Hold on." He then says as I cry into his shoulder, latching my legs firmly around his hips.
I'm a baby is the only thought that runs through my mind as he carries me up to his room. We make it to his bed and he lays himself down, pulling me on top of him and reaching across to turn on a lamp. My shoulders still shake uncontrollably and my eyes burn with tears, but slowly, I'm able to stop sobbing. His fingers comb through my hair, but he sits up with me in his lap.
"What are you feeling?" He asks me quietly. "Get it all out."
"I'm– I'm upset because Mum and Dad are gone. I'm still sad that no one remembers it's my birthday. I feel absolutely fucking horrible for my brothers and sisters that have to grow up like this; they're too innocent. I– I feel selfish for not being there to help them and I'm almost sick with guilt."
"Why are you feeling guilty?" He questions, eyes burning into mine.
"Because after all of this, I can't stop thinking about you." I run my hands through my hair, pushing it off my face shakily. "I– I'm so in love with you it scares me. And I feel guilty because I feel like that's something I don't deserve, not after I went off alone and left my siblings to fend for themselves."
His features soften significantly. "Now you listen here." Johnny takes my hands. "What you and I feel... most people won't find love like it. I'm so lucky and so privileged that I've got you. Don't you ever think that running away tonight makes you unworthy of me, of us. Because running away like you did is a normal, human reaction. Frankly, I'd be questioning your sanity if you didn't run away after your whole family forgot your birthday. You get me? What you did was perfectly fine and I would have never have been so brave to wait so long. If my parents forgot my eighteenth, I would have been outta there after breakfast let me tell you." He then smiles.
I can't help it. I smile back.
Johnny, although shy, has this uncanny ability with words. He was able to empathise with me, understand exactly what I was feeling and somehow put that into words that left me feeling twenty gazillion billion times better. And I think that's truly amazing.
"I love you." He tells me, stroking my wet cheeks with his fingertips.
"You stole my line." I giggle, relaxing. "I wanted to say it first."
He shrugs. "You could say it second– you know what they say, first the worst, second the best."
"I love you." I smile, slipping off his body so we can cuddle. He kicks the blankets back with his feet and I pull them around us, settling in for a long nights rest.
✧
[2668 words]
Hiya <3
This chapter was very long and took me hours to write, I really hope you like it! I haven't really got much to say today (weird I know) but it would be awesome if you could give it a vote/comment. Hearing you guys give me positive feedback always makes the long hours spent writing worth it. XO
QOTC: What was your favourite TV show on the old disney channel?
AOTC: I literally feel nostalgic just thinking about it! I loved Jessie, The Suite Life of Zack and Cody, H20 Just add Water, Wizards of Waverly Place... there were so many great shows on disney channel back in the good old days. If you have no idea what I'm talking about, you obviously didn't get up at like 6am as a little kid to watch Disney Channel like I did. 😂