Monday
At the arcade
My cotton v-neck lay against the hard surface of that blue counter.......
Ice cream cone in my hand with my hair all over the place.
Vanilla bean flooding my tastebuds with the feeling of sunshine freedom.
It was Monday, the start of the first official week of summer.
And I was spending my afternoon lounging around town, with not a worry in the world.
My eyes blinded by beach sunshine and colorful streets......
Eyes that were now only looking up to see Summer Thompson's own furious green eyes boring into me.
"Thanks for ditching me last night," she said as she gave a small, little boy a token for the nearby game.
His eyes immediately fell upon mortal kombat, hidden in the corner.
Yikes.
Summer had successfully gotten herself a full-time job at NeonCade, the gaming gem of the west coast.
Or at least, that's what the front sign said.
However, this place was no gem in my opinion.
"I didn't ditch you. I was never gonna go to that summer kickoff party in the first place," I said as I sat up, my legs crossed in front of me, looking just as adolescent as the kid in the corner.
"Get your ass off the counter."
"Free will, free country."
"Yeah well I'm here making money because that shit isn't free so get off my counter."
"Asshole."
"Poor baby......"
Just as she said this, we watched a young couple try to disappear into the nearby storage room, the famous make out closet.
The looks they had on their faces thought they were getting away with it.
Ugh, they've gotta be kidding me.
"Please DO NOT make out in the storage closet. I see you over there Johnny Svezda," Summer yelled as she threw a token at his head.
Him and his girlfriend, Thalia, were a walking pair of raging hormones.
The amount of times they would ram themselves against my locker with locked lips as I tried to get my books out was more than I could count.
More than I cared to relive.
Summer was more badass than me though.
The token at the head being proof enough.
"Look at you and your newfound authority," I said as I leaned against the counter, watching as the couple left, clearly disappointed.
"The amount of pregnancies I've stopped is just unbelievable."
"You're a Saint, darling. A god damn saint," handing her the rest of my ice cream cone.
"Don't I know it."
Spending time with Summer was always a breath of fresh air.
Not a breath of ocean air, or bonfire smoke, or the clouds from cigarettes.....
It was safe air.
Air that was never suffocating or forced.
It was natural......
And a feeling like that can only be described as oxygen.
We had practically grown up together, our houses right next to each other and our love for the water pulling us together like a force.
We were glued at the hip and we always had been.
She was my ride or die....
The only person that I could truly be myself around.
I was no golden boy around her.
Hell, she was the only person who knew I was gay.
And she would probably be the only person for a long time.
But I didn't mind.
Because having a friend like her was all I could wish for.
And her acceptance of the mess of a person that was Victor Nikiforov was all I could hope for.
"So, has Alice given you a piece of her dip shit mind yet?" she asked as she hopped onto the counter, her face towards me.
"No and if she does, I'll make sure to drown myself before she even has a chance to."
"So, golden boy is scared of the queen b? Who would have thought?"
"I'm not scared, I just......."
.......
"Don't know how to talk to girls."
"Hey!"
"What? You don't," she said matter of factly, my vanilla bean ice cream putting a smile on her face.
I groaned out in frustration as my head snapped back, my eyes looking up into the metal, reflective ceiling.
The neon lights and wide eyed kids flooding my vision within an instant.
"I really don't. And I don't know how to talk to boys either," my own eyes looking down at me from that mirrored ceiling hopelessly.
"Well, you're sexy, so that makes up for it," she said as she gestured to what she considered "sexy."
As if.
"I'm the farthest thing from sexy. How can you be sexy if you don't even know how to shoot out a verbal sentence?"
"Ah, I'll never forget the first words you said to Topher. Yeah hi, can you put butter on me-E, I MEAN MY POPCORN!" her voice a mocking tone, and my face turning into a shade of maraschino cherry.
"I hate you so fucking much, Summer Thompson."
"No you don't."
Of course I didn't.
No one hated Summer.
"Well, I'll tell you what smooth talker. I'm hanging out with Eric and one of my friends at the fair tonight and I think it would be a perfect opportunity for you to work on your so called "verbal skills," she said as she hopped off the counter, her sticky fingers ruffling my hair with excited eyes. "And who knows, maybe you'll even meet your little gay soulmate!"
She was funny.
"Ha, don't make me laugh darling."
I wouldn't be caught dead at the fair.
Much less with a boy.
The Fair.
The carnival they set up every year to be the kick off of what was to be a brand new summer.
It was this town's way of getting us all together, putting us in one single place......
Whether it was for the day, the sun shining down on the washed out yellow/red colors that decorated the Ferris wheel......
Or the night, when the moon and the stars lit up those bumper cars, and everything else that desired to light up the world.
It was enlightening for all these beach town kids.
With the wavy hair and the perfect skin, their faces constantly occupied with what this town had to offer......
But that was the last thing I wanted to do.
Because I was far from occupied.
"Summer, I do not want to hang out with the people I've spent four years with unless it's mandatory. And even then, that's skating on thin ice for me," I said as I walked over to PacMan and slid in a token.
It was true that I had no verbal skills, but that didn't mean I couldn't throw it down on PacMan.
"You don't know the chick genius. And you love Eric!" she said, watching me intently.
Eric had been my best friend's boyfriend for 3 years.
He was a tall, quiet, down to earth guy.
He acted like every other boy in this town that wasn't classified under nerd or jock.....
He was classified as human.
Someone you'd expect Summer to go for.
She never wanted a jock or a nerd.
She just wanted Eric.
They met sophomore year and I can't tell you how many nights I spent out on my front porch, listening to Summer go on and on about how love made her happy.
How he made her happy.
How she pined for him, day after day, hopeless longing being the only reason she lit her own cigarette.
Eventually, she extinguished it.
The hopeless longing.
And so did Eric.
I didn't know why they smiled when they saw each other, out of happiness, or why they had stayed together for 3 years......
But they were in love.
And some connections can't be explained.
Because they're just that meaningful.
God knows I could never explain something like that.
"Oh so she's a stranger. Great, we obviously know how good I am with first impressions," I said as I hit the machine, pinky beating the shit out of me.
"Come on babe, you need to live. We're seniors for god sakes!"
"Graduated seniors, actually."
"Exactly! You need to let loose!"
I let out a dramatic groan.
"I was gonna surf tonight."
I watched her eyes roll all the way to the back of her head effortlessly.
As if she was already expecting this answer.
"Don't give me that shit. You surf almost every day, I'm sure you can let baby blue take a nap while you get it on. Besides, I want to spend the first and last days of summer with my best friend!" she said as she hit me on the head.
"Ow!"
"Come on, pleassseeee. Do it for meeee......"
Oh no.
Not the pout, not the fucking pout......
She flung herself at me, locking me in a bear hug which had successfully suffocated every ounce of introverted stubbornness out of me.
Jesus.
I'm so gonna regret this.
"Fine, FINE."
She lifted her ball cap off her low ponytail and placed it on my own moppy head, jumping as if she had won her own round of Mortal Kombat.
And she had.
"Yes. The Golden Boy is back baby!"
That's where she was wrong.
I had nothing left inside of me...
Nothing left that was strong enough to pretend to be a title.
I didn't have another part to give up of myself.
And that was the problem.
Because when people would see the real me.....
Who I didn't have to pretend to be......
They would no longer think of me as anything but Victor Nikiforov.
The boy who belonged on the outside.
★
Monday
2 hours before sunset
5 minutes before I was supposed to socially ruin myself
This is bullshit, this is a waste of my time, this is..........
This is bullshit.
"I thought you hated the fair," my dad said, peeking his head in my bedroom doorway as he watched me run around frantically.
"I do, but it's nothing compared to the hatred I have for Summer's be social lectures," my eyes scanning myself in the mirror.
My letterman jacket, bright blue jeans and annoyed eyes being the only things I saw.
"Ah, can't say no to that girl, can ya?"
"Can anybody?"
He just laughed.
"Well, try to have fun, okay? You deserve a summer like that, sport," he said as he leaned away from the door, his smile soft and warm.
"We'll see."
And with that, I slid down the staircase railing and shut the door behind me, the sunset already calling out my name.
I stopped before I reached my Jeep, my eyes looking out onto the ocean, the one thing I always found myself coming back to each time......
No matter how hard I tried to stay away.
But tonight, just for tonight......
I had to.
I had to let go of the waves and the sand and the salt.....
Because my dad was right.
I deserved a summer.
Whether I wanted it or not.
And I had all the days in the world to come back to that ocean.
It would always be there for me.
But friends like Summer and Eric.....
They might not always be there for me.
For me to come back to.
To lean on.
So, I drove off until that Ferris wheel towered above buildings and cotton candy smiles......
And I kicked off summer.
The summer of freedom.
We'll see.
★
I shut the doors of my car slowly as I came face to face with the entrance of hell.
Little kids on either side of me, running inside as if their lives depended on it.
Their parents being pulled behind them by their fingers and last ounces of energy and tolerance.
I knew for a fact that I probably had less energy than those parents.
I leaned back against the front of my jet black Jeep, watching as couples walked by, their cherry red lips and smiles seeming to scream "we're so in love."
God, this was a nightmare for me.
An absolute nightmare.
I could be anywhere but here.
The place that was an excuse to get away from the responsibilities of living in this town.
And I would much rather fulfill those responsibilities.
But if I didn't get over it, Summer Thompson would make sure that I never had another responsibility again.
She would destroy me.
So entering through those front gates seemed like the best option.
But the second I stepped onto that hay covered grass......
The smells of corn dogs and cotton candy overpowering me......
I realized I would have rather dealt with Summer's wrath.
Because this was worse.
Oh god, I have to leave.
No, no, no......
I felt myself turn around and lower my head, my feet begging to walk away......
And just as I was about to escape, I was stopped by the sound of excited voices.
Excited voices that were all too familiar.
And sure enough, my eyes met with Summer's as she ran towards me, like a child trying to get to the Ferris Wheel.
"Victor! Hey babe!" she yelled, Eric right behind her, along with an unfamiliar face.
"Uh, hey!" I said, walking towards them with a smile that I hoped wasn't painfully fake.
Okay Victor, you can do this.
Don't be awkward.
You're fine.
You're the golden boy.
Shit, shit, shit.....
"Took ya long enough to get here," she said as she linked arms with me, my whole body facing the auburn haired stranger.
"You know for a fact that I've never been early to something in my life."
The strangers bright blue eyes lit up as she laughed at my comment, her action seeming so fake and forced.
Ugh, please.
We stood there for silent seconds that were uncomfortable and unfamiliar.
The stranger's big eyes looking me up and down....
As if she was trying to analyze me before I could speak and answer her questions for her.
"Oh, god I'm such a space case! Victor, this is my good friend Kristen!" Summer said as she pointed to the girl, my hands shoving themselves into the pockets of my navy/yellow letterman jacket.
"H-Hi, nice to meet you!" I said lightheartedly, as I rubbed the back of my head nervously.
"I'd like to say we haven't met before, but I feel like I already know you from all the constant gossip around town," Kristen said as she leaned against the snack bar, her flaming red hair falling down her shoulders gracefully.
She gave me a playful smirk as I tried to hide the embarrassment that shone through my tinted cheeks.
"Well then, I can only imagine what you've heard already."
"Only good things so far."
Fuck......
I knew better.
The way she looked at me was instantly recognizable as her eyes darkened.
It was the look that Alice gave me in those narrow, crowded hallways.
The look she gave me before she pushed me into that nearby maintenance closet, her lips practically begging for mine.
It was the look that broke my heart.
And it broke my heart because I knew I couldn't give it to her.
I couldn't give her my heart.
Because it belonged somewhere else.
And it always had.
"Babe, bumper cars. Now," I heard Summer say sternly as she pulled on the sleeves of Eric's band tee, his eyes rolling.
"Awe come on, you beat me every damn time," he said impatiently, his body protesting as she pulled him away.
"Exactly. Let's go!"
I watched them as they disappeared through the crowd, my mind screaming "please don't leave me" as I looked at Kristen.
Well.......
"Uh, want me to buy you a cotton candy?" I asked awkwardly as I pointed to the snack menu, her eyes lighting up as she crossed her arms.
"Ah, so you're a gentlemen? Who would've guessed?" waltzing over to the long line, a smirk plastered on her face.
"I'm assuming those so called rumors don't make me out to be one do they?"
"Well, they make you out to be a lot of things, Victor Nikiforov."
"Oh god, please enlighten me."
"Gladly."
The next few hours went by slowly, our feet walking every square inch of the damn fair.
We rode Ferris wheel carts and talked about things that you would only talk about when first meeting someone.
Her laughter and sips of vanilla milkshakes being the only things I ever heard.
Aside from the adolescent cheers and loud music over the speakers.
But our comfortable conversations and cotton candy smiles were only the beginning.
The beginning of the longest night of my life.
★
It was 9 p.m. at the fair now.......
The volunteers ushering us out towards the exit as we watched all the little kids run out before us.....
With their souvenirs and painted faces.
The sunset had faded into darkness and the stars lit up the navy sky as all four of us walked side by side into the parking lot.
I watched as Summer wrapped herself in Eric's arms, her eyes looking up at him like he was the world.
I envied them.
I did.
They were a teenage dream.
They had the love story that I had watched unfold in movies like Footloose and Dirty Dancing.....
They had the love story that was spent at the diner with a shared strawberry milkshake instead of a backseat make out session.
And that was the love story we all desired.
Hopelessly desired.
But my story would be a lot harder to write.
"Hey, babe, are you okay if I go home with Eric?" Summer whispered as she leaned over to me, her boys arm still draped over her.
If I was a shitty friend, I would have said what was really on my mind.
Which was "absolutely not."
But sadly, I was incapable of doing so.
"Yeah, of course!"
"God, you're the best. You know that right?" she said as she ruffled my hair, her constant way of showing me how close we really were.
"Yeah, yeah. Just go get laid already," I said nonchalantly as she started walking away, Eric already in the car.
"You bet your sweet ass I will."
And then she was gone with a smile and a wave.
Leaving me alone with Kristen in a parking lot.
A parking lot that was just as empty as it had been before the fair began.
"You two are cute," I heard Kristen mumble as she followed behind me, both of us eventually reaching my Jeep.
"What?"
"You and Summer. Personally, if I were Eric, I'd be worried," hopping up onto the hood of my Jeep, her legs swinging with a lit cigarette between her lips.
"I don't think friendship is something he needs to worry about," my hands finding their way back into the worn out pockets of my letterman jacket. "Speaking of which, how did you and Summer meet?"
"Oh god, that girl. We met last year when she came down to Ohio for a week, and somehow managed to drag my ass all the way over here for her graduation."
Summer had always been good at making friends.
However, she always struggled with keeping them.
"Typical Summer."
"I think I know enough about her. I want to know the truth about you, golden boy," she said as she hopped off the Jeep and offered her cig to me, the amber light flashing in her eyes.
Her eyes were filled with emotion and it terrified me.
"Sorry to burst your bubble, but there's not much to know," I said as I took a drag, clouded smoke coming out of my lips with ease.
"Awe, come on. Give me something, at least."
Kristen was a nice girl.
Her presence was less of a burden than others.
But that didn't mean I appreciated it.
"Tell you what. You give me one good rumor and I'll say true or false, doll," I said as I leaned against the Jeep, her eyes glinting moonlight at me.
"Hmm, so many to choose from........."
I watched her as she thought for a moment, with a bent knee and hands on her hips......
Deep in thought.
And then she finally came up with one.
One that I wished she hadn't chosen.
One that I wished had never been spoken.
She began to waltz over to me as I felt her hands make their way up my chest smoothly, her fingers tracing over the lining of my jacket.
"There was one rumor I heard........about your ability to kiss a girl senseless.
Tell me Victor, is that one true?"
I felt my breath hitch at the back of my throat, my words clouded over with nicotine smoke as I tried to say something, anything.....
Anything that would get me out of this.
But I was speechless.
And I was defenseless.
I was the golden boy.
"I-I......."
I let her hands tear the cigarette away from me as she closed the space between us instantly, her vanilla stained lips touching mine...
Kissing me senseless so she could prove that it was true herself.
I felt my hands wrap themselves around her waist out of habit, my lips lazily kissing hers as she pulled me over to the back door of the Jeep.
I heard the car door open as she crawled inside, her messy auburn hair frizzing out as I crawled in after her.
"Kristen I....."
"Just kiss me, for god sakes."
She pulled me down on top of her as I let her control me, afraid that if I didn't, I would find no movement of my own.
No passion of my own.
And as I felt her lips against mine and her tongue in between my teeth, cold hands pulling my jacket off of my shoulders......
I felt myself trying to fight against the voices in my head.
The voices telling me that...
"I didn't want this.."
"I didn't need this...."
"This wasn't who I was..."
"You can't feel anything...."
I was fighting against these fiercely.
Fighting because a part of me wanted to feel them.
Wanted to feel like everyone else in this town.
To feel normal.
Or at least, feel anything except what I was feeling in this situation.
Outsider.
Lost.
Broken.
My hands began wandering over her smooth, sun-kissed skin as I pulled her pale yellow tank top strap off delicately.
My lips desperately reaching out for the opportunity of desire.
But my hands felt no warmth and my lips could only taste nicotine.
And the smoke was suffocating me.
Because I could no longer breathe.
And I could no longer feel anything except nothing.
"Kristen...."
"Shh...."
"Kristen, I can't."
She stopped.
"What the hell are you talking about?" her eyes wide and her cheeks flushed, her red lipstick smeared over both pairs of our lips.
My eyes scanned her blue ones.
Eyes that screamed "I need you to want me."
Eyes that screamed "please tell me the rumors are true."
But if only I could tell her that I was a walking, breathing, living lie.........
If only I could tell her that I was incapable of wanting her.
But I can't.
I have to hide.
So.....
I ran.
"I'm sorry."
My legs carried me out of my Jeep and across the parking lot, Kristen's violent screams echoing past me.
I ran and ran and ran until I was far enough away.
But I could still hear her.
"You're an asshole, Nikiforov!"
My lungs inhaled the ocean air as I gasped for breath, running down sidewalk after sidewalk in a desperate attempt to feel lost.
I felt my eyes fill with tears, tears that had been stuck behind countless days in those high school hallways.
Hallways where I gave people something to look at and admire.
Where I gave people this programmed lie, to avoid anyone ever figuring out what I truly was.
And who I truly wanted to be.
I couldn't breathe.
I couldn't feel anything.
I was numb.
And as my feet hit the harsh sand and ran across the empty beach, I felt my legs become as weak as my mind.
My eyes catching glimpses of moonlight ocean waves as my whole body hit the sand right before the waves hit my feet.
And I looked up into the sky.
The moon and the stars staring back at me.
Staring back at this stranger.
I had no idea who I was.
I had no idea who I wanted to be.
Where I wanted to go.
And that feeling was the most painful emotion a human being could feel in my opinion.
It was unfortunate that it was all I could feel.
I couldn't feel young.
I couldn't feel free.
I couldn't feel love.
Let alone fall in love.
Because how can you fall in love when you feel like you're falling apart?
I let my back fall onto the sand as my hands ran themselves through my hair with frustration.
My eyes crying in ways I thought I was incapable of.
I was gasping for air and gasping for answers.
Because I felt lost.
I felt the kind of lost that people could never find again.
Completely lost.
I let my mind wander as it thought about the times at the cinema.....
Topher flashing in my mind.
I thought about my late night movies and discussions over the phone with Summer.....
Her eyes lighting up at Eric while mine searched for something....
Anything.
But I never did find that "something."
And I don't think they ever will.
So I listened to the sounds of ocean waves and soft tears as I drifted off.....
Drifted off into complete silence.....
But then I heard something else.
Soft footsteps coming towards me as they hit the sand......
Steady breathing.....
And before I could get up to look.....
Big, cigarette-lit, brown eyes were looking straight down at me.
Ebony hair covering them delicately and perfectly.
Caramel skin glistening........
And soothing words crashing down on me like those ocean waves.
★
Gee, wonder who that was........
😏😏
Our story of two boys begins.....
Much love💋~audrey