May, 1982
The word was coming to the end of it's journey as Big Mama waves her fan in a redundant motion. I sit bored out of my dang mind. Too old to be in the children's church but too young to sit with the big kids in the youth program, I'm stuck sitting with Big Mama in the pews. The only other kids up here are the bad ones who'd got in trouble one too many times before getting snatched up. My eyes wander around the church until I see the same boys up on the stage as always. The one behind the drums, his name's Darren and one behind the organ, he's the Reverend's son... but I don't know his name. It's kind of hard to learn their names when you're never around the other kids.
Service officially comes to an end when people get to filing out by the dozens and Big Mama glances down at me. She says, "I want you to go up there and ask Sister Edna what she wants you to do. I told Reverend Don that we'd be helping her clean up today."
On the outside I give Big Mama a smile with a simple, "Yes, ma'am." On the inside, I'm cursing the absolute day that I was born. I'm almost cursing the day that my mommy had left for her business trip. I'm stuck here all summer with Big Mama. Even though I'm only down the street from my home, I'm under Big Mama's care. Unlike Mommy, she doesn't miss a single Sunday. She's in here religiously. I always wondered why she doesn't go play bingo or something. Nobody needs to pray this much.
Sister Edna orders me to get the windex and a towel to get to wiping down the pews. When I ask her where I can find it, she says around the corner in Reverend Don's office. Skipping off into that direction, I catch my big brother and one of the Reverend's sons talking. I'm not even sure which one of them it is. I simply look right past him and at my brother.
"Can you pass me the cleaner bottle and towel?" I politely ask.
My brother, Javon, stares at me like I have two heads with a blank stare in his eyes. The reverend's son eyes turn to face my brother. "Aye," he taps his shoulder roughly. I guess he's simply heavy-handed. "That girl's talking to you."
"I know it's my sister," Javon laughs me off. I stand before him, slightly embarrassed, with an annoyed expression. I hate the way he pushes me to the side because he thinks it's cool. "Anyway, like I was saying..."
The Reverend's son ignores Javon, almost identical to the way Javon ignores me. He reaches down for the bottle and towel. "Here you go." I mumble a soft thank you and quickly push my numb legs off into a separate direction. I do believe that I'd just met one of the most cutest boys I've ever seen in my life, all ten years of my life. I make it to my first pew where I find myself having a hard time breathing. He emptied my lungs. A hand taps my shoulder, I turn back to face the human behind and it's him again. "You dropped the rag..." He hands me the towel before turning back to my brother.
I crawl up to sit on the pew in the correct fashion. I take a deep breath. "Woah," I whisper to myself. My internal butterflies get to fluttering rapidly.
Sister Edna was periodically checking up on me so I continued to clean up the pews as requested. Although, the entire time I could not help but watch my brother's friend. They laughed and joked, sitting on the stairs of the stage. I sit and wish that I knew Reverend Don's son's name. I only know he's the reverend's son because he looks exactly like him, only a little bit lighter. He's got a deep tan from the North Carolina sun, I bet he's a lot lighter during the winter. I wonder what grade he's in, it's kind of obvious he is older. Did he have a valentine this past February? I wonder, I really do wonder.
"Anybody with me, let's roll!"
I turn around to see Big Mama heading for the exit, two hours after the final service has ended. With a quickness, I scurry to the front and place the cleaning supplies where I'd saw Reverend's son pick them up from. I run off and catch up with Big Mama. No other words leave my mouth until we're all sitting at the dinner table. A soft shade of pink coats my flushed skin, a dazed look in my eyes. Is this what it feels like to be in love? I like it.
Big Mama places the salt in front of Javon, carefully studying my face. "What's going on with you, puddin' ?" I glance up at her and back down at my mashed potatoes, shaking my head continuously.
"I'm doing alright," I casually speak. "We going back to church tomorrow, Big Mama?"
She laughs a little. "You already know, baby! The lord is always welcoming guest!" The phone begins to ring, snagging her attention away from me. Big Mama rushes to answer the telephone on the other side of the kitchen.
I'm left alone with Javon, who is giving me a sinister look. I'd shoot one back but he has taken part in my first experience of love at first sight. He'll have to be at me and Reverend Don's son's wedding. Wait until I'm eighteen. These eight years will be a total breeze! Thank you for being a complete dickweed, Javon! Honestly, thank you sooooooo much! I love you! Not only are you my only brother, but you are now my absolute favorite brother!
"You like Dalvin?"
My head tilts to the side a little. "Who's Dalvin?" Javon sits back skeptically searching my body language for a sign of deceit. "Who is Dalvin? I'm serious, I don't know who that is, Javon." I feel myself growing annoyed again.
Javon begins catching on that I honestly have no idea who he is referring to. "Dalvin is the reverend's youngest son, he plays the drums sometimes when Brother Jones' arthritis is messing with him." My head nods as I take in the information.
"Ooooooh, I thought his name was Darren!"
"No," Javon corrects me. "Then, Derek is the other one. He's always in the youth programs– you couldn't like him, I doubt you've ever even seen him." I sit quietly, thinking of the DeGrate brother that I really want. He still remains nameless at the moment. "Unless you like Don just because he gave you that little spray bottle to clean the pews." Javon immediately guffaws. I pay him no mind as I slowly fall back into my daze.
His name is Don too? He must be a junior, that means he's named after his daddy, The Reverend. He's so cute. I didn't know Darren– I mean, Dalvin, the boy on the drums sometimes, was his son. I had no idea after all of these years. I find it all so fascinating.
"All he did was give me a towel, how could I like him over him doing something so simple as handing me a freaking towel." He sits with mouth agape as I convince him that he being ridiculous, even though he is spot on. "Get real, Javon."
He sighs, shaking his head as Big Mama comes back to rejoin with us. "You're right, my bad."
It's last night that almost ruined my whole new form of happiness. Do you see how fast Javon got on me? I can't let him know things like this. Sometimes I wish I had a sister. Maybe if I had a sister, she would be a little more nicer and understand my feelings. Instead, God dropped Javon with my mom like he had an extra kid left over from a bad poker game with Lucifer. I've come to terms that this is what will be my life for the rest of my life. Lucky for me, I have had two crushes before this and Javon never knew. This time is slightly different. I'm in love with Donald and I think he's the devil's friend.
Today, I came with Big Mama to morning service and the night service. Clean up following the nightly service takes especially long, specifically because there is no service tomorrow. Reverend Don ended today's service, for the fourth time, thirty seconds ago. This go around, people began to leave before he could slip another word following the Amen of our exit prayer. The exact moment I approached Sister Edna, she began to throw orders at me with pride. It is almost as if she was waiting to order somebody around.
"I'd tell you go upstairs and clean the practice room but that's too much," Sister Edna says with a racing brain.
I shake my head. "No, I can do it." Smiling, I prepare myself to go get the rag and spray bottle. The faster I finish, the faster I can walk around with a point to find a particular person.
As I approach the same exact place as yesterday, I don't see anybody. I look to the left and right and don't see any people. I let out a low huff and puff. I volunteered and he's no where in sight. That really sucks, man. It's too late to turn back. I continue on and make my way up the stairs and into the practice room. The second version of me stares back until my attention is caught.
When I look at myself, I smile at the fact that the bump Big Mama put in my hair had fell. Mommy does my hair way better. I know it's only a matter of time until she gets back. When she does, I know we'll be back on track because I hate when Big Mama does my hair. "You know what," I say to myself as I stare back at the reflection. My hair looks way better now that it has dropped. I've always wanted straight hair but Mommy says I couldn't get it if I tried. If only Big Mama could do this without her extra pizazz that isn't needed. I'd be very pleased. "I'm going to start doing my own hair because this is crazy."
A slight chuckle from behind me catches me off guard. My head turns around to face another body. Of course, with my luck, it's the one person I feared it would be. I should've never let Javon convince me to break Mommy's mirror in the third grade. I have to remain calm. I know love at first sight is a hard pill to swallow but I've got this thing halfway down over night. I'm going to be alright.
My head turns back to Don and he sits up from behind the extra back-up organ that the church keeps in the practice room. "Oh, I thought they left the music on..." I openly admit. I'm a little scared to walk any closer to him but I do it anyway because I know that I have to.
"No, that was me." He laughs again, I can't seem to figure out why either. I finally make it to his instrument and set the bottle of spray down before I skillfully place the towel on top of it. "What are you doing up here? Sister Edna has you playing Cinderella again," Don questions and I quietly nod. If I open my mouth, the only sound he'll hear is my heartbeat.
I push a stray strand of hair away from my cheekbone. I don't know what to say.
Don looks back at me. "You look pretty with your hair like that."
"T-thank you," I murmur. I have to admit that I am truly disappointed with myself. I don't think this is how you're supposed to treat your future boyfriend. It's not a good tactic. "I like it better like this anyway."
"I know you're Javon's sister but what's your name," he asks. It isn't until right now that I realize he's still playing music... without looking... while talking. I'm proud to say that I am going to grow up to marry the next Beethoven. Well, we're black. Maybe calling him the next Stevie Wonder is better. Everybody loves Stevie Wonder!
"Cynthia."
His eyes widen just a bit before he quickly recollects himself. Awkwardly staring back, I search for the courage to look into his brown eyes. "Oh, how come you're not in any of the youth programs?" I hear his question but can't stop from wondering what he's thinking. Why did his eyes get wide a couple of seconds ago? I feel like Javon told him something bad about me. I feel like Javon said something along the lines of my name being Bertha and I eat my boogers when I hide in the hallway closet.
"I'm ten. I'm too young for the youth programs but too old for children's services," I softly laugh at the thought of being stuck in the middle of everything. "What grade you in?" I catch a glimpse of a blue notebook that I'd unknowingly sat my cleaning supplies on top of. "It looks like your in junior high..." I knew he was closer to Javon's age but I did not think he'd be Javon's exact age. Crap!
He replies, "Almost thirteen."
I start laughing, I can't help it. The laughter comes from the realization that it is going to take a lot to get this boy to realize that love at first sight is a real thing. I'm ten, he's thirteen. He's not going to want to be my boyfriend until I get older and look like a woman. I can't rush too fast because Big Mama will catch me and I already know I won't be allowed to watch tv for the rest of the week. I'll figure it out over time.
"You should come sit with me between services. My brother is about your age and he's cool. He'll be up here too."
I shake my head, "I wouldn't want to be around Javon that much. He doesn't like me being around him and his friends anyway. I'll gladly stick to sitting with Big Mama, well, Sister Sheryl to you..."
"He goes on to the corner store with my brother Derek and their friends for most of the time. Then, he brings us back snacks. You can just stay with us and then if he you want to go, you can– that's only if you want to." The idea of him really wanting to stay is so cute and that makes him cute. But if I stay, Javon's not going to like it. They don't have to live with him.
I stand before him thinking.
Sister Edna peeks her head into the room. "Don, ya' mama said it's time to come home for the night. You know she'll get in that butt if you're late." Don looks up at me and back at Sister Edna, who stands at the door, flexing his neck. Without a word, he hops off the riser that elevates the organ. "What're you two doing?"
It's not hard to remember that he's older than me. I remember hearing pieces of Mommy and Javon having a talk. I remember it so clear that I couldn't get it out of my head if I wanted to! So, I get why Sister Edna's looking at us funny for a little bit. For her information, kissing is gross. I don't know if he brushed his teeth or not. A small one on my cheek would be fine but it'd take way longer than a fast conversation to get him to kiss me. She has another week or two for her to be worried about us two.
"She came in to clean and I was on the organ," Don says without a single care in the world. He throws his backpack over his left shoulder and stands up. He mumbles a quick goodbye on his way out of the door. "Bye, Cynthia."
Bye, Don.
Sister Edna glances down at me. "You need some help?"
"Yes ma'am."
She laughs as she reaches for the papers that Donald left behind on the music stand. "I knew you would." I pick up the rag. You know, I should keep it all to myself but that way, I won't have an excuse to run off to clean or have him touch something before giving it to me. No matter what, I must secure the rag.