쉽지 않을 것 같아
여전하게도 넌 내 하루하루를 채우고
아직은 아니야
바보처럼 되뇌는 나
입가에 맴도는 말을 삼킬 수 없어
It's not fine
It won't be easy for me
Still, you fill up my days
Not yet
I tell myself, like a fool
I can't swallow the words that linger in my mouth
It's not fine
ーSoundtrack : Fine, Taeyeon
FOUR
Fuck that. I want you back.
You're supposed to be mine.
Yet I'm too coward to make a move.
I love this friendship and I can't handle to sacrifice that up.
Finally, Kim Namjoon is no longer single but Jisoo is hating every bit of it.
She's been hella' moody these past two weeks. Why? Well, she was the reason why the two got together and she low-key loath herself for it.
"So is it true that they're together now?"
One of Namjoon friends asked her, Seokjin eyed her carefully as he took a sip from his black coffee.
"Isn't it obvious?"
She rolled her eyes, while her mouth is still full with macha cheesecake. Jisoo pointed the registrar area with her thumb and Seokjin saw Namjoon and Ailee still taking their orders, and not to mention that the two look like whipped teenagers giggling at something that ain't even funny.
It's Saturday today and Kim Namjoon thought of inviting of his two close friends to hangout with him and his girl. Jisoo hated the idea and so she declined the offer immediately not until Kim Namjoon literally begged her to come. You know her, she always have a soft spot for him. Always.
Seokjin frowned, his eyebrows knotted in confusion. "But-"
He hesitated to continue the words that wanted to come out on his lips.
Jisoo blinked.
Probably waiting for what he'll say.
"Are you okay with that?"
"What?"
"I mean, I thought you two like each other."
Jisoo raised a perfect eyebrow, why is everybody has been asking that to me lately?
"If he likes me? Then I should be the one who's with him right now, Jin."
She stated the obvious fact, she reached for her frappe and take a sip on it.
"Are you sure he doesn't like you?"
Seokjin eyed Jisoo once again as he leaned his back against the chair. The back of his hand is on his chin, carefully watching her.
"I don't know."
Jisoo pouted and mumble the words. She hates it when her hopes get high, because having high hopes will only hurt you.
She frustratedly sighed and meet Seokjin's gaze.
"I mean Namjoon is always extra nice to me and he looks out for me, we even talked on the phone for hours. And at times like this I always think perhaps he does like me."
She honestly confessed, letting out her disappointments with Jin. And the latter can only nod at her words.
"But when I try to get closer, it's like he realizes what he had been doing and he purposely puts distance between us. He will put Ailee back on the line, crashing my hopes all over again."
Jisoo grumbled.
"I don't know what's in his mind at all, Jin. He's too confusing..."
Jisoo tore her gaze away from him as she looked over the glass wall, her eyes are stinging with threatening tears but she can't let it fall. She watched those busy people walking at the sidewalk and the moving cars on the road.
She tried to revert her attention of something less interesting. But Seokjin's gaze never left hers.
"Because he actually likes you too."
『２a.m.』
Jisoo hugged herself when the cool breeze of dawn softly touched her skin. She tightens the knot of her silky night-robe as she takes a sit on the empty chair, facing her glass coffee table and the tall buildings of the city.
She's living on her own in her small apartment. She's been alone since she decided to study here in Seoul and left her hometown.
Jisoo put down the cup of tea on the table and fished out the wireless telephone inside her robe pocket.
Tonight, she's not waiting for a phone call instead Jisoo is the one who wants to make a call on Namjoon, although they already stop talking like they used to be when he got the girl.
She pressed the speed dial and the other line started to ring. After four to five rings? Namjoon finally answered.
Jisoo held her breath, and her heart started to beat fast abnormally again. Yes, the Kim Namjoon effect! He's the only one who can do that to her.
"Hello?"
His voice was hoarse and she knew that she interrupted his sleep. Of course, tomorrow is Monday. They still have school yet Jisoo is having insomnia and a freakin' heartache making it impossible for her to sleep early.
"How can you sure about that?"
Jisoo was surprised by what Seokjin just said to her.
"He's my best friend, of course, I knew about it. Namjoon was even the one who said that to me, that you are beautiful and he has a crush on you."
"There's a huge difference between a crush and like, Jin."
She crossed her legs under the table and leaned against her chair to take a perfect look at Namjoon's best friend.
"Then what are those midnight calls and caring gestures Jisoo? He liked you yet you blew your chance when you helped him get her."
Seokjin shrugged. His eyes were dark and intimidating.
"Maybe, our friendship is more important to me than being his lover."
"Stop kidding yourself, soon you'll break that 'friendship' off."
Seokjin laughed, mocking her reply and even if Jisoo finds it rude? She can't help but think of what he just said all over again in her mind.
And yes, Seokjin was right. She is now taking the risk of breaking her secured friendship with the guy she longly admired.
"I'm sorry for interrupting your sleep, Joonie. But I really wanted to talk to you."
"It's okay, Soo. I'm fine with it."
He softly chuckled. Jisoo can imagine him having a lazy smile on his sleepy face.
"Is it too late?"
She mumbled, biting her lower lip as she clutched her chest as if she was preventing her heart to stop beating fast. Damn it, slow it down.
"Huh?"
She can say that he's confused. So as her, what the hell is she doing?! Did she really lose her mind?
"Kim Namjoon, I-"
She sighed, and closed her eyes. Her mind and heart are fighting between a 'yes' and a 'no', making Jisoo doubt in her own decision.
Is this what you really want? Is this worthy?
"Hm?"
"I ..."
Are you really tossing this friendship away? You treasured this right? Why are you throwing it away now?
"Yes, Soo? What is it?"
Namjoon is now curious, what is wrong with Jisoo? His voice is still soft, and Jisoo's heart melts.
She can't do this.
"I'm sorry, it was nothing."
In the end she choose the opposing side of her mind which is to not do it.
After that, she bid goodbye to Namjoon and put her both feet up on the chair, hugging her knees as she silently cried.
It's 2 a.m. and her heart is breaking all over again. She can't do nothing to ease the pain, she's too familiar with it and knows all to well how to handle every bit of her sufferings.
Jisoo hiccups and coughs, she roughly wipes her wet cheeks and eyes as she promised herself that this would be the last time she will cry for a guy.
She need to value her worth and letting herself hurt by the same guy all over again is toxic. She needs to breathe.
I'm sorry, I need to let go.
Jisoo stand up and went inside her room, she walked straight to her bed as she picked up her charging phone.
She saw some few Instagram notifications and text messages of her university friends. She was about to turn her phone off when a one certain message caught her attention.
From: Kim Seokjin
You valued your friendship with him enough, so don't ever dare to ruin it tonight.
- You do know that it takes a little sacrifice to make a person lasts in your life right?
Namjoon did the same thing, Jisoo.
sent, 12:38 am ✔️
seen, 2:15 am