sfw, katsudeku sadfic.
The room was sterile. Faux lemon plugged Izuku's nose as he held his breath, feeling as if breathing would break the quiescence. After all, the only sounds in the air were soft, mechanical hums and beeping of machinery.
The drapes were white, with morning light hinting through them, but the room was dark. Synthetic light shone through the other window, the one behind him. He didn't want it. He didn't want to accept the truth laying before him. The reason why he came with clenched fists and knots in his stomach was not something he wanted to face, yet he willed his beaten gym shoes forward.
He sits down in a chair, next to the pristine white sheets, and held his breath.
Cement filled his shoes and his throat, feeling heavy and thick. This wasn't supposed to happen. He shouldn't be here. Katsuki shouldn't be here.
Izuku was glad that Katsuki was asleep. He would've made fun of the fat tears rolling down his cheeks in Ghibli fashion. There should've been hope still. Even the slimmest chance was worth perusing.
And yet, he cries. Izuku already starting to mourn the loss he hadn't had yet.
The artificial calm is broken with a raspy voice,"What are you doing here, idiot?" Katsuki demands.
Izuku fumbles to wipe his face, not wanting Katsuki to see his pity. "I wanted to see you."
"Nothin' much left to see. Hope you're disappointed, Deku." Each word was spoken deliberately, showing Katsuki's weakness. That's all he was now.
Argument dies in Izuku's throat. There really wasn't much. Katsuki looked drained and pale, half his body bandaged.
The risk of hero work never fully sunk in. They were all young and invincible, evading death with ease, injuries nothing to worry about. Even after seeing Toshinori's decline and... what happened to Ragdoll, to Tensei, it never felt real. Never felt like it would happen.
Katsuki lays on a hospital bed with an expiration date as they speak. As they breathe, Katsuki's dying.
This was never.
Izuku sat next to him, the chair with an awkward comfort to it. Plush, but just as sterile and impersonal as everything else in the room.
"Go. You know you don't wanna be here, shithead. I...," he sighs," I don't know what else you want from me."
Izuku looks down at the ground.
"You fuckin' won. Mr. Top Hero, Deku! Want me to use my last breath to worship your cock while I'm at it?"
"I thought... I thought we made up."
"We did. That was before you decided to saunter up here daily, like. Fuck I get it I'm gonna kick the bucket pretty damn soon. Or is this a publicity stunt? Deku... steadfast friend to Explodokill till the end."
"No! I just," Izuku sighs, unsure of what or if he should say what he's been wanting to for the past three years. "I'm not gloating, or pitying you. Might seem revolutionary, since that seems to be all I do in your eyes. I won't lie. Me coming here is selfish."
"Didn't have to tell me that." Izuku ignored the comment. Instead he reaches out for Katsuki's hand- which... for the first time he takes.
They don't say anything, but the small gesture is enough. Izuku rubs gentle circles into Katsuki's hand, their breathing and machinery filling the air.
This isn't pity. This isn't grief either. It was the calm before a gentle summer storm that left everyone hot, sticky, and uncomfortable, with a weight that didn't seem to lift with the humidity. Izuku knew, so did Katsuki. They both knew and didn't say anything, silence being safe, rounded scissors and kneepads. No risk.
Risk was their beginnings, approaching U.A. with shiny eyes. Risk was rivalry. Risk was a what led Katsuki here; Explodokill's recklessness and Deku's lack of self perseverance.
"Thanks," Katsuki says, threatening the moment. Izuku looks up to his face, tears starting to form and fall. "Don't fucking cry. No one has visited me since they told my parents how everything was looking. Not even Toshinori."
"I'm sure they will. Soon," Izuku comforts, still trying his hardest not to cry. "They're probably tied up. Toshinori still teaches." Yet, instead of a hopeful comment, it only reminds them both that the world isn't crumbling, and isn't just this one hospital room with unspoken tension and static. Things keep happening, happening despite the fact that Katsuki is dying. That keeps happening too.
Bakugou looks to Izuku, squeezing his hand a bit. He can see the tears in Midoriya's eyes. "Is this enough for you, Deku?" He musters a laugh," This is kinda gay." Izuku can't help but laugh, wiping his tears with his other hand. It was what they needed. That smile... Katsuki smirked, feeling its infection. The high left after a few moments, settling back into a comfortable understanding.
The elephant in the room still stands, even as Izuku rubs his worries onto Bakugou's skin.
"Is that... okay with you?"
"Is what okay with me?"
Midoriya looks down to his beat up civilian shoes, trying to muster strength.
"My feelings." Katsuki knew- Izuku had confessed years ago. Nothing ever came of it, other than arguments and scattered drunken visits.
There wasn't an answer. There wasn't a rejection either, as their hands still stayed comfortably together. "Fuckin' masochist, y'know that?" he asks rhetorically. "I don't get why you do this to yourself. I don't know why I did that to you, either. We're hopeless, and would've been regardless."
Quiet again, Izuku feeling strangely ashamed. This wasn't time to be wasted by unrequited feelings. A time for closure, which... still included that.
"Move on. Forget about me, Deku." Izuku tries to interject, but Katsuki continues," I would never have been good enough for you."
Izuku frowns, "That's not true!"
The look Bakugou gives him is grim and intimidating, a sunken glare. "Someone worthwhile, Deku, is someone who loves you more than anything and shows it. And someone with a longer shelf-life." The joke isn't received well, if at all.
It's quiet again, until Izuku leaves a half hour later.
"I want to see you again."
"Just look on your wall, dumbass. I know you buy all my merch."
Izuku left without saying anything. Katsuki is dying and is left without a goodbye.
Deku doesn't cry at the ceremony; he has no more tears to cry. At least not for those who look upon Explodokill as a martyr, with crocodile tears in their eyes for a hero they never appreciated. A hero no one appreciated.
The ceremony is formal and impersonal. It's an awkward class reunion, everyone unsure of how to react, if at all. Kirishima doesn't speak. Ochako leaves early. Izuku gives a recited speech, offering hollow comfort for those looking for it, and empty words to those he knows. We honor the life and death of Bakugou Katsuki, a hero to the public, and a close friend to many. With a fire in his hands and in his heart, he quickly climbed the ranks, saving countless lives- except his own, Izuku doesn't add- giving him a permanent spot in our hearts.
When cleaning out his apartment, Mitsuki finds Deku, Uravity, Froppy, and Crimson Riot items placed carefully and thoughtfully. A framed picture of their first year. She cries as she hands it to an equally teary eyed Izuku. Katsuki would've denied owning such things and would've hated for Izuku to know he owned them even more. Almost all the merchandise finds a spot in Izuku's already crammed apartment. Katsuki's is rented out again in only a week.
After the news coverage, it takes two months for Explodokill merchandise to disappear. It takes two years for Izuku to move on.
Still moving, Izuku carries a sleeping child. She is small, but full of potential. He doesn't leave for the train, but instead sits at a grave. He laughs as he opens up his lunch. The engraving isn't flashy, nothing much at all. A family plot. Not what he had imagined originally.
"I found someone, Katsuki. I know, it's not perfect. It's not what you meant either, but... things don't work out how we want them to." They never have. She shifts slightly in her sleep. "I wouldn't trade her for anything, though. I just wish you could've met her. She reminds me a lot of you sometimes. Difficult." Midoriya laughs softly, careful not to wake her.
"You can see, obviously, we're on our own. 'M practically my mom... who's the best grandma ever. So is yours. I'll never need to buy baby clothes or pay for daycare a day of her life. But, other than that, babies are pretty boring. Oh! I just remembered, Momo and Jirou just got engaged, and Mina is planning for her second kid. Todoroki and Kirishima are still single. Denki and his wife are settled. Things have gotten a lot more domestic in these last couple years. Even me." Izuku looked at the grave and sighed shakily.
"I really wish you could meet her," Tears that had been building up released suddenly into shaking sobs, still careful to accommodate Mini-Midoriya. "Fuck. I still miss you." Memories of the hospital room, of school, of patrol... it had been so long since he heard Bakugou's voice. "I never stopped missing you."
The day is warm, with a gentle breeze. The grass around the family plot sways lazily in the direction. It is all to real. The flowers left were soft in color, alive and fresh, stark in contrast to the black granite. His knees hurt slightly from kneeling for so long, but it didn't matter. His daughter was snug in his arm, the other empty after dropping his chopsticks. His throat was thick with emotion.
There was the noise of gentle traffic, branches swaying with the wind, and the chirping of birds. Sunshine bounced against the polished surface. Bakugou, the slab spoke in bold, confident font. It was all wrong. He was hot and sticky and uncomfortable, begging for relief. She was too small and he was absolutely terrified of the world. Still anxious and unsure.
He never stopped to ask why, because it was useless. It was never a why, but fact, yet it always felt wrong. Wasn't he entitled to ask? Even in vain? Why did this happen? Why Katsuki? Why did he still feel alone? Rhetorical questions weren't to be answered.
Katsuki shouldn't be here. Neither should Izuku.
This time he mourns the loss that already passed. One already healed.
"I just wanted to see you." He rasps, "I just wish I could see you."
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this has been a draft for 5ever, and i CRIED sm while writing this. In all honesty, this is a lot of my own venting. Even after two years, grief just has a way of punching you in the stomach. Anyways, sorry for this lame sad ass chapter. I did have a good time writing something like this tho. I LOvE prose and poetry, so i guess that shows a lot when i write in this style
Izuku has a teeny little baby girl, result of an OOPS. he is a good papa tho, with full custody. due to baby, he is a little more careful. Katsuki probably wouldve liked that aspect after kicking his ass for knocking some random girl up lol ...
anywas fucking rest in piss katsuki. look at izuku's healthy and progressing life w/o u
( IM WORKING ON REQUESTS STILL DW)