Surprise!! Double update coming right to you guys this weekend. I felt so bad about not updating for over a week so this weekend I wrote like a madwoman hahaha. I hope you'll all like this chapter babes. All the love to you. xx
Song for the chapter: Sweet and Low by Augustana
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"Hold me down and I'll carry you, all the way,
and you say you're fine,but you're still young,and out of line.When all I need's to turn around,to make it last to make it count."
I sit at a lonely table in the coffeeshop off campus, just waiting for Thomas to show up. Part of me wanted to believe that the therapist was right about seeing him, but right now my nerves were proving otherwise. After watching that movie yesterday with Clair and Kristina, I decided to take the leap and send him a message. I wanted to get in contact with him without directly hearing his voice.
I take a sip of my tea, the warmth spreading through my body as I drink it. It aided in calming my nerves a bit, but my heart was still beating erratically out of my chest. Seeing Thomas could be a totally catastrophic idea, but it could also help clear up a few things.
The book contained mostly stories about mom, how their love fell while they were still falling for each other. It didn't clear my mind and it didn't help me understand why he left. I still felt like life was a jigsaw puzzle, and his explanation would be a missing piece I needed to uncover.
People stop and stare at me, their eyes locking with mine in hopes that I'll give them the table out of sheer uncomfortableness. I just shake the thought away and look out the window instead, not bothering with their wicked stares and harsh whispers.
I check the time, hoping that Thomas would be here soon. He's already ten minutes late, which is something I should've expected. The man left ten years ago and now I was expecting him to be on time. I shake my head in disappointment, and I remind myself that next time I shouldn't get my hopes up.
Once I take the last sip of my tea, I throw the cup into the garbage and get up. I gesture to the table, the snotty group of girls taking it with scowls on their faces. "It's about time loner," one girl says as she walks by me. The old me would've allowed it to get to me, but the new me wanted to fight back.
"If being lonely means that don't have to end up like any of you, then I'd rather be alone." The girls stare me down as I walk out of the shop, my bag under my arm, my hopes of seeing Thomas in the garbage can.
I make my way out of the coffeeshop, my eyes looking down at the ground as I walked out. Of course since I wasn't looking I just so happened to have bumped into someone, a body that I recognized.
"I'm sorry..." I say as I look up into his green eyes. "Harry?" I stare up at him in disbelief, my mind not grasping as to why he'd be at a coffee shop like this one. He doesn't say anything at first, but after a few moments of realization he smiles down at me.
"Hey," his hands were buried deep within his pockets, his voice soft as he talked to me. "Do you want to maybe sit with me?" He asks, his voice shaky and unsure. I smile and nod, allowing myself to talk to at least someone today.
Harry and I grab a table by the rude girls, their eyes looking up and down his body as he sat across from me. I could feel their eyes on me as I sat and looked at Harry, his eyes staring deep into mine. I could tell he was feeling nervous, but hell so was I.
"What were you doing here today?" Harry starts the conversation, the silence breaking around us. I hate to admit that I've thought about him and how's he been since that morning I walked out. Our dysfunctionality is tearing both of us apart slowly.
"I was meeting my dad, but he never showed." I decide to be honest with Harry and tell him what was actually about to happen. He looks at me with a shocked expression written on his face. He probably never thought I'd ever give my father the time of day ever again.
"Are you okay?" His hands reach across the table to hold mine, the feeling warming my heart and taking away every bit of anxiety I had left. The girls look over at our display of affection, their initial response and reaction to scoff at us.
"You know you could go be annoying somewhere else." I turn and scold at them, acting more like their mother than an actual peer. Harry laughs, the small smile on his face growing wider in my presence.
After a few seconds go by I pull my hands away from his, reminding myself not to get too engaged with Harry. "I want to tell you what happened that morning if that's okay with you." I nod my head, focusing all of my attention on what Harry was about to say to me.
"My mother isn't doing well again; she's in the hospital." Harry doesn't look away from me, his eyes looking at my face the entire time. "I need to go to Holmes Chapel to see her, but that would mean maybe missing William's wedding, and she doesn't want me doing that." I place my hand over Harry's again, realizing he needs it more than I do.
"I already bought the ticket," my heart feels heavy in my chest as I hear Harry talk of his mother and her illness, how it could be the last time he sees her. "But I need you to do something for me." My curiosity peaks when Harry says that, and I begin to wonder what he is going to ask of me.
"Be at the wedding, be the bridesmaid, help me be there when I can't." I immediately nod my head, agreeing to be at the wedding for Harry. This was something that I wanted to desperately do for Harry, anything to help him be with his mother.
"I'll be there for them, for you." Harry smiles at me, his expression melting my heart. "It shouldn't be that bad anyways. I love Pamela and your father just made a mistake the other night." William probably never meant to hold onto me so tightly; he most-likely didn't even know his own strength yet.
"There are so many things I need to do before I go. Hell, I need to fucking pack still." Harry gets up from the table in a haste, obviously worried about the whole impromptu trip. I stand up with him and grab ahold of his hands again.
"I'll help you with all of that, don't worry you aren't alone in anything Harry." He lets go of a deep breath and smiles thankfully. I caress his cheek, his face leaning into my hand. Harry will always have me, even if it is as just a friend, he can always talk to me and ask for help.
"Thank you, Sarah," we walk out of the coffee shop and make our way to the parking lot, both of us talking about what Harry needed to do last and what had been an actual priority that needed to be accomplished now.
We walk to Harry's car, my eyes connecting with someone's across the lot. Thomas had finally made it to the coffeeshop, only about thirty minutes too late. I let out a deep breath, Harry stopping once I disconnect myself from our conversation.
"Is that him?" He asks as he looks over to the man I had become so focused on. I nod my head, my eyes peeling away from him. "Go talk to him," his hands cup my cheeks as he plants a gentle, quick kiss onto my forehead. I smile at him as he walks away towards his car, leaving me alone to go and talk with Thomas.
I take slow, small steps at first, prolonging the time I'd have before I'd reach him. It was as if I only wanted to talk to him when it didn't seem real, but now that he was here I didn't want to talk to him at all. I didn't want to be a coward, but it's all I've ever known.
"Hi," he says when I meet him, once I am finally face to face with the guy. He didn't seem real at first, he almost looked like a wax figure or a figment of my imagination. I was starting to wish that he wasn't real just so I wouldn't have to do this, at least not right now.
"Hi, Thomas." He seems a bit taken aback when I address him by his first name, but I couldn't call him dad or father, not anymore. The truth is, now I see that he never was my dad, never a father to me. He left, and now that makes him a mere stranger in my life.
"I'm sorry," he begins, his eyes looking down at the ground as he speaks. "I didn't mean to interrupt you and your young man." Thomas refers to Harry, the whole thing making me cringe.
"He's just a friend." I cross my arms over my chest, not legitimately standing tall over Thomas, but metaphorically feeling stronger than him. He nods his head in understanding, his eyes looking behind me to look at Harry as he drives away.
"You were thirty minutes late. I was starting to think you ran away again." I chastise him for being late, but I also throw a weak blow towards him, probably a subject that I should've just left alone. His face turns into a full scowl at my comment, something that I've never seen on his face.
"Hell, Sarah, that was a shitty thing to say." My jaw nearly falls to the floor at his response, shocked that he'd even be angry about it. It was true, and so he should face this truth head on.
"Yeah and it was shitty when you left too." I throw my arms down, my shouted proclamation catching several people's attention. Thomas looks at me, a what seemed like sorry expression on his face. He genuinely looked as if he felt bad for all the pain, but I didn't believe his act, not yet.
"You were better off, or at least I believed you were." Thomas and I stand in front of his car for a while, both of us just waiting for the other to make a bold move or say something on their minds. "Can we go inside?" He asks, gesturing to the coffee shop. I nod my head and follow him inside, nervous about actually having an indoor, civil conversation with him.
Thomas orders coffee, something that actually makes me gag, while I decide to order another cup of tea. "I didn't take my writer for a tea drinker." Thomas says, cracking a joke that wasn't all that funny. I smile a small, strained smile and take a sip from my mug.
"Coffee repulses me." Thomas would've known this bit of information if he had stayed, but he didn't and so he doesn't know that for the longest time tea was the only thing that helped me fall asleep at night when nothing else could.
"I'm sorry to hear that. I love a good couple of cups of Joe in the morning." He takes another sip of his coffee, the smell of the over caffeinated drink wafting over into my nostrils, slightly causing me to gag.
"I guess different minds think differently." Thomas looks disappointed when I say this, when I suggest that we're actually nothing alike. He may have given me some of his DNA and blood, but I'm in no way like the man in front of me.
"We used to be the same exact person." Thomas says, obviously reminiscing on a past that wasn't true. He wants to believe that I was more him than myself, when in reality I had never been like him. Not then and certainly not now
"Because you molded me into a little perfect version of you." I say, anger laced into my voice. "And as I got older I realized how fucked up that was." Thomas looks down at his coffee, not sure what to say about my outburst.
We stay quiet for a while, the only sounds around us coming from the people clashing cups and saucers together in the coffee shop. The sound of people yelling names and utter chaos the only sound surrounding our table.
"Will you tell me about your high school years?" Thomas asks, his eyes finally meeting mine again. I tap my fingers against my mug, my mind registering what he just asked me. He wanted to hear about all the times he hadn't of witnessed.
"They started out idyllic but ended in disaster." Thomas just continues to look at me, his eyes asking for more of an explanation. "Do you have a couple of free hours?" I ask, knowing already that this would take longer than just one cup of coffee.