A/N: I'm gonna use this chapter to go more in depth about jimins mental illness and how it effects his life cause I feel like it can be confusing :?)
Warning: mentions of eating disorder
Third POV
Each day started just like the last, the continual routine of Jimin waking up to the an hour before everyone else in his home in hopes of leaving for school before anyone could notice. When it first started – the diagnosis- every morning his family would make an attempt at conversation to impose Jimin to utter a word, maybe even a sentence. No matter how many time they tried, how many "how are you honeys?" or "Feeling any better Chims" he received the response was always the same, Jimin would either give a small shake of the head or slouch his shoulders as if to say he didn't have any response. It's not that Jimin was afraid to talk, he wasn't mute, it's just that everytime he did talk to his family his response came out monotoned giving people the idea that he wasn't interested. Therefore when his parents asked how he was doing he'd rather say nothing then speak and dissapoint them with his aloof response. Deep down Jimin knew he had the same emotions as everyone else, its just putting it into words thats the problem.
The best way Jimin could describe his life was that it felt like one big play and he was the centre role yet he felt like he was behind the scenes. Just like how the tech engineers observe and analyze what the actors are doing, Jimin feels as if he watching life from the sidelines, but feels detached from the emotions swelling in the people around him.
After awhile the majority of his family given up hope and decided Jimin was a lost cause and attempted to avoid any contact with him at all in fears of experiencing the awkwardness or second hand embarrassment. Although the one person that kept trying and wouldn't give up was Jimins mom, you could tell she loved her son, not to say that the others didn't but her and Jimin used to be very close and Jimin went from telling her everything to nothing at all. She couldn't handle not knowing what was going in her sons head and why he became so despondent.
When Jimin was diagnosed with Alexithymia the word "how?" was a constant phrase in his life, to this day the origin of his diagnosis is still unknown to anyone besides Jimin himself and reviving the day it arose is to traumatizing for Jimin to want to even write about to his parents let alone verbally communicate.
As Jimin made his way downstairs, making sure to take light steps as to not make the already worn floors creak, he pulled out his phone to check his messages. Only a few missed calls and texts from Seungwan but other than that nothing. Jimin slowly opened the door to the bathroom and slipped in quickly so the small light seeping in wouldn't be noticed by his parents who were only a few rooms down. Once he thought he was in the clear he slowly turned on the sink and began to fixing his fluffy mess of bedhead.
After what seemed like hour of blow drying and brushing Jimin exited the bathroom and went downstairs, grabbed his bag and walked out the door. The golden hour was near and what was once a deep blue sky filled with stars now transformed into shades of orange and pinks with clouds lazily cascading across the sky, light rain falling them. Its moments like these that make Jimin reflect back onto his past and life before it became so dark. The autumn afternoons spent at parks roughing around in leaves with the crisp wind blowing through his locks as he raced his friend. Those autumn nights turned to winter evenings spent inside watching rom-coms and mocking how cheesy they were to his friend but never admitting how much he actually enjoyed the humor.
2 years later, as winter comes to an end spring rolls around and with spring comes rain, fit weather for running around and jumping in puddles with friends but instead these days Jimin finds himself observing from the window of his room just listening to the rain pour down and the droplets of water begin to condensate on his window, everyone once in awhile making little drawing with his fingers on the foggy glass.
Today was one of those days, one where Jimin would usually be inside listening to the rain while maybe reading a book but instead he decided to go out as his friend Seungwan invited him out for coffee saying she had big news to share and that it was "too big to state over text". Normally Jimin would argue but Seungwan knows Jimin despises public settings as he tries to avoid any form of social interaction possible, therefore if this news was so big Seungwan would risk it, who was Jimin to argue.
Before he even stepped 5 feet into the shop Jimin felt himself being engulfed from the waist down by Seungwans short arms. Jimin himself may have been considerably short compared to other males his age but when standing next to Seungwan he looked average size.
"Jimiiiiiin" she exclaimed stepping back to peer up at the boy, "What you so cute for? or maybe I should say who" Seungwan said with a wriggle of her eyebrows to which Jimin replied with a drawn out sigh.
"If I didn't know you I would say you were trying to impress me" she chucked, "Speaking of impressing someone I called you here because I need your help, you see theres this gir-"
"Wendy-ah come on lets order already" a high voice said cutting Wendy off, "We've been here for 10 minutes come o- oh hello"
Seungwans whole face began to turn bright red and she whipped her head around to the blonde haired girl who stood with her arms crossed.
"How many times do I have to tell you to stop calling me Wendy-ah" Seungwan said in an annoyed tone, "I'm your unnie, treat me with some respect"
While the two bickered Jimin begin to further examine the blonde, first noticing when he looked closer that the ends of her hair were actually died a light pink. She was wearing a white tank top with a long beige jacket covering the majority of her already small stature and paired it with some blue ripped jeans. She had a very professional look similar to how Seungwan dresses and Jimin wonders if thats what drew the two to each other.
"Helloooo, I asked you a question" Jimins thoughts were cut off as a hand began to wave around in his face, "Are you listening? I asked what your name is"
Jimin sighed before speaking trying his best to put feeling behind his words, "I'm Jimin, and you" he said in the same monotone voice he always uses adding a small smile at the end to make up for the lack of excitement in his voice.
Judging by the look the girl gave him Jimins response wasn't as exciting as she expected, nevertheless she replied, "Well nice to meet to Jimin my names Yerim but most people call me Yeri"
"Yeri l-lets go order" Seungwan suddenly said taking control of the situation as she saw me beginning to get nervous at all the attention, "Here I'll pay"
Yeri gave a sly smile as they walked up to the counter and stated her order, and by the way Wendy responded she wasn't happy with the price. When Wendy is stressed you can definetly see it on her face, her eyebrows scrunch together to form a worried expression and her eyes waver back and forth.
Jimin POV
As I watched Wendy hesitantly take out her wallet to pay the cashier I began to feel guilty, if I would've just showed some type of emotion, anything to Yeri maybe Wendy wouldn't have had to step in. Nevertheless I stand stiff and still in my place not trying to further ruin the mood.
Once they were finished we grabbed a table by the window Seungwan obviously sitting next to Yeri. It seemed like she really liked Yeri judging by the way she talked to her in such a bright way. Even when Yeri teased and taunted her she replied in a sassy yet loving way, you could even see in the way Seungwan stared at Yeri that she was whipped.
I tried my absolute best to stay out of the conversation as much as necessary, which wasn't hard since apparently our encounter earlier prevented Yeri from even trying to initiate conversation with me.
After awhile I got tired of just sitting there watching the two talk and told Seungwan I would be going home. At first she didn't respond as she was so entranced in a story Yeri was telling about a prank her older sister Sooyoung played on her. I tapped her shoulder signaling that I was going to leave and she barely looked at me as she gave a slight nod.
***
Third POV
When Jimin walked out he was surprised to see the sunny weather had now turned into a humid mess of clouds and rainfall. He threw on the hood of his sweatshirt and stuffed his hands in his pockets as he walked down the street. Jimin would be lying if he said he didn't sometimes find himself feeling sad with his actions or more lack thereof.
The amount of pain and uncomfort he causes people daily from doing the bare minimum tears him apart because there's nothing he can do about if. Yes, he could try and interact with people but he always sounds uninterested. Even if he attempted to explain to them why he came off the way he did that would just lead to more questions that Jimin didn't have the strength to answer.
Once he got home he walked up to his room not even bothering to check if his parents or brother were home. He landed on his bed with a thud sinking into the soft fabric relishing for a moment in the relief that he was home. After a minute he got up and went into his pajama drawer grabbing some clothes.
Once he slipped his shirt off he found himself impulsively feeling at his somewhat pudgy belly. Before he knew it he was in front of his mirror turning every which way occasionally sucking his stomach in. It was no secret Jimin was insecure with his body, the oversized sweatshirts and tight jeans to make thighs seem smaller were what his wardrobe mostly consisted of.
Jimin wasn't overweight. In fact, many people compliment Jimin for his body saying he was "thicc" and shouldn't try to be stick thin like all the other boys. But when your parents always poke at your stomach asking rhetorical questions like "where did all this come from" or "what's all this" it really gets to you. Of course they're joking, Jimin understands that but he could go without his cheeks being pinched once and awhile.
Jimin tried to work out consistently but with his studies it's hard to find time. Dieting is always an option but no matter what Jimin eats he feels fat and just ends up eating little to nothing at all. When he's with his family especially, his insecurities swell up and he hates to eat in front of them, afraid they'll say some snarky remark and even if they don't he just feels like they're judging him in their mind.
So when he stood in the mirror it wasn't surprising that Jimin found himself viewing his body in hopes of seeing some type of change, skinnier legs, lack of pudge, even just a sliver of a jawline.
But no. Jimin just saw flaws.
A couple hours later the light rain has morphed into heavy pouring with little bursts of thunder. Jimin was in his room with the lights turned off, the only light shining from his laptop as he typed away. Jimin loved to write.
It gave him an outlet to express emotions he otherwise couldn't which made him feel like he was good at something, that he had some worth. Writing meant a lot to him so when he wrote he made sure each chapter was the best it could be, even if his books got few reads he still appreciated the lovely comments people left.
Before he went to bed for the night Jimin pulled out his notebook tearing out a page and folding it in half writing a small heart on the front. He began to write down a few words, not putting much thought into them, he just tried to say what was on his mind. Jimin did this to work on his social skills and try not to think to hard about what to say and just let things flow like regular people could as he read that what people say on impulse its what they honestly think. He thought if he could began talking on impulse it would come out like he had emotions. Therefore he wrote notes, short little thoughts he had.
Once he finished signed the bottom with his initials before sliding it in his backpack for school the next day.
"Sincerely, Pjm"
***
AAHH i finally updated wowie i'm sure you an understand why this took so long since this chapter is 2k+ words lmao anyway i hope this gave you a better outlook to how Jimins life functions but if you're still confused below i'll leave the link to the article i used to write this chapter which gives a better explanation and interviews from real people with Alexiymthia
side note: this chapter also talks about some personal things i struggle with so it means a lot to me :')
link: http://www.bbc.com/future/story/20150818-what-is-it-like-to-have-never-felt-an-emotion
bye loves thanks for reading <3