Breathe. Just breathe.
I stare into the crowd of people, watching them sprint across the parking lot to their friends, laughing and smiling in the process. As if they don't have a care in the world.
Most flutter up the steps of the school, arms looped with their companions and ready to brace the day. Some others stay behind and make up - with what I presume is their girlfriend/boyfriend - those precious moments of the weekend they've been away from one another.
I feel sick just watching as they whisper to one another and press brief pecks to their partners lips. I almost envy them. That they're so gleefully happy while I'm miserable. I realize it's incredibly childish once they disappear from my sight and up the stairs to our high school.
I've never been more tempted to run away till now.
It's because I'm not ready. As cowardly as it sounds, I don't want to face the never ending questions on what happened. And why it looks like I've been ran over by a truck.
I don't want to tell Anna some stupid lie. I don't want to face her while she's with her new found friend's and boyfriend. I don't wan't her stupid pity. I don't want her to pretend like everything is completely fine when it isn't. I don't want any of it.
The thing I actually do want is to go home. Crawl under my bed sheets and hide away from the world.
And maybe I would've. That is, if it weren't for Liam.
He had made me to get up this morning, even as I made horrid excuses. Such as I had suddenly contracted swine flu.
I pretended like it hurt to walk too. Liam was incredibly heartless, really. He didn't fall for any of my acts.
He told me to face my fears. So I am. Or well, being forced to.
I kinda resented him for it.
Because of him, I'm going to have to see Adam. That's what's really been haunting my thoughts lately. Though it's no shock.
I'm anxious. To see what he says, does. Everything.
I had even formed up some silly speech in my head. About how I'd tell him off and call him a monster. And maybe, for dramatic effect, I'd slap him. God knows how much I would like to do that.
I had convinced myself I was done with wagging a finger at him as if he was some naughty child. I was going to take action. No matter the consequences.
I go to push open the door, to burst through with my new found coinfendence, but just as quick as it came, it goes.
"I can't do this," I say with a shake of my head. "I'm not ready."
I turn to Liam who sits in the driver's seat, completely composed and appearing nonchalant. I almost want him to panic like I do so I won't feel so alone. And well, weak.
"Yeah, you can," He replies firmly and yanks his keys out of the ignition. "And you will."
"But what if-" I begin, but Liam quickly cuts me off.
"Don't you want to rub it in Adam's face that not even what happened could get beat you down?"
I make a face at his choice of words, "Is that supposed to be a pun or something?"
"Sorry," He grimaces. "Poor choice of words, I know."
I shrug softly. It's not exactly my biggest issue at the moment. The only thing I'm worrying about is how I'm going to get through the day. And all the questions.
Then again, I don't have to answer. It's none of their business but my own.
"Yeah," Liam mutters, "Now let's go."
I have no room for objection as Liam hops out the car and comes around to my side, opening the door for me.
I meet his eyes and bite down on my lip. I silently plead with him not to make me do this.
Liam sighs at my obvious attempt to derail him and leans closely to where I can feel his breath on my lips.
He reaches out hesitantly and carefully cups my cheek, awake and aware of the black eye I still have.
I rest my much smaller hand on top of his, letting out a shaky breath as I stare into his green hues. "It's going to be okay," He assures me, "Don't worry."
For the first time ever, I can read Liam easily. I can actually decipher what he's feeling at that moment. And it's because he allows me to see it. So I know I can put my trust in him.
I nod and manage to utter, "Okay."
Liam releases me and steps back. I take the chance to get up before the urge to slam the car door and lock myself in over powers me.
I walk beside Liam in silence.
The few stray kids in the parking lot glance at us, but they dismiss us both shortly after. They obviously don't care.
I can only pray that's how it stays.
Luck is on my side.
Through the whole morning, I keep under the radar, only talking when needed. Of course, some ask what happened, but when they realize I'm not going to answer, they turn away and go back to their own business.
I also get to talk to Ms. J about the back drops. She stresses that they need to be done in two weeks, and how I need to get on it immediately, or else she will be forced to assign the project to someone else.
And even though I have no desire to linger at school, I tell her I will work on them everyday after school.
Besides that little scare, everything goes perfectly fine.
That is, till lunch come's around.
I'm at my locker when I spot Mandy and Jessica calling to someone across the hall, shouting and hollering at the person to hurry up.
And though the hall way is crowded with people - all fighting their way to get to lunch - I still hear that familiar girlish giggle ring in my ears.
Anna's face come's into view just then, too.
She wears a broad smile on her face, her eyes twinkling at the sight of her new friends and boyfriend, who suddenly appears out of the doorway of his last class.
She's embraces Mandy and Jessica, then Cliff, who she gives a swift kiss to the lips before he wraps his arm around her shoulder and leads her to the lunch room.
With that, she is gone from my direction.
I stare after her. I almost want her to look back at me and actually acknowledge my existence.
And I know I'm completely contradicting myself - once saying I didn't want to see her and have to make up some lie - but now I almost want to, as weird as it sounds.
I suddenly realize I'm wrong.
The thing that really hurts the most is when you're gone, and you wonder if those people cared enough to notice that.
Anna hasn't.
But that's what I asked for. To simply avoid all pity filled questions, comments, conversations, everything between the lines.
Now here I am. Silently sobbing over the fact Anna doesn't care. But I had the right to be, didn't I? Anna's my best friend. In order to have the title, you have to be in the other person's life and care about them, right?
Was the same thing that happened with Adam going to repeat itself?
Once this horrid thought leaks into my head, I can't seem to get it out.
It's happening again, I think frantically, Anna's leaving me behind. Just the way Adam did.
I'm no longer in the mood to have lunch.
I turn and head on down to the art wing, where I find my place in front of the huge canvas. I spend half of my time painting, then the thoughts from earlier seem to consume me and I end up throwing the paint brush across the room.
I lean against the wall and pull on the loose strands of hair. I think about Anna more. And how I'm not ready to lose her. Not like the way I lost Adam.
I contemplate marching over to her and demanding answers on why she ditched me for her new, fake, friends. I realize it's silly after a few minutes.
If anything, Anna should be the one demanding answers from me. I've lied to her about everything in my life practically.
About my parents, about where I live, about what I am. Everything.
I don't blame her for just leaving me like that. I'm sure Mandy and Jessica are more suited friends for her, anyway.
They love the same things. Boys, makeup, clothes. Now that I think of it, Anna and I didn't have much in common. But we still got a long. We still befriended each other when we had nothing.
She had told me things that she hadn't told others. Like she secretly thought her family was falling apart, or that sometimes she hated what she saw in the mirror. She trusted me with her deepest secrets, and though I was restricted of what I could and couldn't tell her, I would talk with her about how I felt alone. About how I wasn't sure if I really knew who I am. Or what I want, exactly.
And even threw all of that, she had thrown it aside and ditched me.
As I think this, I so desperately want to be mad at her. But I can't bring myself to be.
If anything, I'm mad at myself. For letting someone get to know me and giving them the chance to make me feel a stir of emotions. All consisting of hurt and betrayal.
They make me feel weak.
And I don't like to feel weak. Though I'm pretty sure I've established that more than once.
But I'm in the same place again. The same mix of emotions and before I can stop it, the imagine of Adam telling me that he couldn't be my friend anymore plays in my mind.
"I can't be your friend anymore, Ronnie," Adam blurts suddenly.
I blink a few times, looking at him as if he's sprouted a second head. "Huh?"
"I can't be your friend." He repeats, his eyes shifting from the lake to me. "The rest of the pack is.. getting on my case about hanging around you."
I shake my head and my eyebrows furrow together. "Why?"
"Because of your dad," Adam explains, "And how he... well, you know, just dropped out of being the pack's guard."
I swallow roughly and shake my head, "But that's not my fault. He's just down because.." I trail off when I can't bring myself to utter the words. That I can't justify the fact my dad is in the dumps because of my mom dying. It's too painful for me.
The mere mention of her makes me want to cry. And I promised myself I never would again. "I thought we were friends forever."
"I thought so too," Adam whispers and runs a hand through his short blonde hair. "I'm sorry, Ron."
I feel weak. So weak.
"You can't leave me behind," I whisper brokenly, "I need you." My voice breaks. "I need you because you're the only thing I have left. My dad won't talk to me, the pack won't talk to me, I need you because you're my best friend. Because we're always supposed to be their for each other. Right?"
Adam's eyes are glossy and his lips are parted, "Ron-"
"Right?" I echo, cutting him off. Adam is silent.
The tears build in my eyes to my dismay.
I don't want to lose him. I don't want him to slip from my finger tips the way my mom did.
I reach out for him, to grasp his hand, but he steps back, shaking his head at me and muttering useless apologies.
And then he walks away. He walks away from the lake. From me. And our friendship.
The worst part is that I let him go.
His words were like knives.
I spent all the weeks alone. Passing him in the hall, seeing him with his new friends. It hurt. And that's why I promised I'd never let anyone have that advantage over me.
It made me cold in a way.
I push away the emotions that start to overwhelm me.
I need to stop reminiscing with the past.
Once the bell rings, I exit the art room and find my way to class. Liam doesn't bother to ask me where I've been. He understands I don't want to talk. And that's probably why he hadn't come to find me.
At the end of the day, instead of going back to Liam's, I choose to head on home. Alone. The way I want to spend the rest of the night.
We drive in silence.
When we arrive, I bid Liam a goodbye and that's it. I run home and lock myself away in my room for hours.
I snuggle up under my sheets and clutch my pillow tightly to my chest. I feel like I'm twelve years old again by doing this.
And just as I'm about to fall asleep, a knock sounds at my door. I don't react to it at first. That is, till it becomes more urgent.
I stand up from the bed, annoyed and frustrated, and make my way over. I swing it open, ready to tell the person to piss off. But I'm stuck in my place when I see it's Adam.
He has his hands tucked in to his pocket as he rocks back and forth on the ball of his feet. He gazes at me almost shyly. "Hi," He breathes.
I jerk my head in a nod and knit my fingers together while I stare at him. I watch his timid expression morph to horror. About time he noticed.
"They got you, didn't they?" He questions. I don't know how to reply.
That speech I had made up earlier just isn't coming together in my head properly. And just like that, I completely forget it and instead, stare hopelessly lost at the boy in front of me.
So much for telling him off, I think gloomily.
Once Adam realizes I'm not going to reply, he says, "You've been gone for a while. Where were you?"
"Places," I reply monotonously. Adam frowns and he seems to go frustrated by my sudden cold shoulder. I guess he was expecting me to scream at him or something when I saw him. And I thought I did too.
But as I stand before him, I'm too weak and tired to fight with him. Because where will it get me? Nowhere. My angry statements never seem to hit him as hard as I wanted them to.
All I want is to curl up in my bed again and to remember her.
I'm ashamed to say her face has become a blur to me, somehow. I remember her eyes and hair, yes, but I don't quite remember everything. Not her smell, her smile. It's all mixed up.
It's because I've pushed away the mere thought of her for too long. It'sick, really. How can you forget about someone who raised you half of your life? I'm not sure. But maybe it's because I've forced myself to.
I wanted to erase her from my life. As if she had never been there to make an imprint. It's stupid and pathetic, I know.
It was the only way to cope with her death. It still is the only way to cope with the fact she's gone.
Adam abruptly cusses and rubs his hand over his face, "Ron, I-I'm sorry. I never wanted that to happen to you. God, I should have warned you. I should have told you!"
I sigh. I don't want the same conversation to play over like it always does. I don't want a sorry. I've heard too much of it.
I go to close the door, but Adam stops me and reaches out for me. This time, I'm the one to step back.
A look of pain crosses his face.
"I don't want apologies," I say lowly, "I just want you to go away."
"Ron-"
I cut him off, "I want you to leave. It's not that hard for you to do," I mumble. "You did it four years ago."
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Not much going on in this chapter. Just Ronnie being Ronnie. (:
But don't worry, guys. Because I have so much planned for the upcoming chapters! Filled with drama, confusion, everything.
And of course, Liam and Ronnie. Which I have a special chapter that contains a very special event. Just go ahead and guess. xD
Nothing dirty, lol.
Anyway, if you like, make sure to vote, comment, fan.
Until next time,
- CeCe.