I was almost tempted to think spring was coming, and then a storm comes roaring across the UK, turning London into a winter wonderland or an icy hell, depending who you ask. Ed grumbles about cold feet as he's bringing in a new order of beers, but Ed's always grumbling. Kitty, however, is skipping around, singing Christmas songs. 'It reminds me of our ski trip,' she tells me. 'Jane, you know what we should do! We should go sledding on Primrose Hill!'
So Kitty and I bundle up in the warmest clothing we have and trudge through the sludge towards the underground, and emerge into Regent's Park, which is glistening white. There are children running up the hills, sleds in hand, and drifting down again. We even see a man with skis, drifting down the gentle slope.
Kitty and I buy cupcakes and coffee from my favourite bakery near Primrose Hill, and stand at the top of the hill, looking over London. I can't help but marvel at the winter paradise in front of us. I've never seen London like this before. It's the London that Dickens described in his novels, and it's beautiful.
'We might never see this much snow in London again,' Kitty wonders aloud. 'What with like global warming.'
'Actually, climate change creates more unpredictable weather, so even though the planet's heating up, there'll be even more wild snow storms like this,' I say. 'Drew told me that.'
'Drew's a smart cookie, isn't he?' Kitty says.
'Mm,' I say quietly, then take a bite of my cupcake. It's difficult eating it, because my hands are almost frozen, even though they're in gloves.
'So I heard you might want to work in the bar,' Kitty says. She doesn't look at me.
'I just thought it might be interesting to try it out,' I say.
'You've barely been working in the café for two months,' Kitty says.
'I know,' I say. 'But you know I worked at Dad's restaurant. I made drinks, I waited tables. I think I could do bar work. Plus, it might be fun.'
'Does this have anything to do with Charlotte?' Kitty asks me.
I take my time trying to lick the icing off the cupcake paper before responding. 'Ed mentioned she's really busy with her fashion photography and he wouldn't mind someone else doing shifts at the bar.'
'Ed said that?' Kitty says, staring at me.
'Well, he didn't say he wanted someone else doing shifts,' I admit. 'He just said Charlotte's really busy.'
We watch as two children run past, shrieking with laughter. 'What's wrong with the café?' she asks me.
'Nothing,' I tell her. 'I love baking for the café, and I love sorting the books and helping customers. But I'm horrible at making coffee.'
'You're not horrible at making coffee,' Kitty says. 'It takes time to really learn.'
I sigh, wondering how to admit to Kitty what I'm really thinking. I know that Kitty would never judge me. We grew up together, our families were so close, and when we were kids we never kept secrets from one another.
'Kitty, do you think it was a mistake for me to move to London?'
Kitty turns to properly look at me. Her cheeks and nose are red. She's wearing a colourful wool hat, with her messy blonde hair going in every direction beneath it. Then she looks back at Primrose Hill, and the Londoners frolicking in the snow, laughing.
'Look at this place,' Kitty says. 'London welcomes everyone. It's never a mistake to move here.'
'But I'm worried I'm not good enough to be a part of your group,' I say quietly, but I know Kitty has heard me.
'Jane, why do you feel the need to compare yourself to everyone else?' Kitty says.
'Because I'm constantly surrounded by these people - living with them, working with them. And I'm not as good as them,' I say.
'Do you remember when we were kids, and we did everything together, and we were basically joined at the hip?'
'Of course,' I say. 'We were best friends.'
'Do you remember why that changed?' Kitty asks.
'We grew apart,' I say. 'We fell into different groups.'
Kitty shrugs. 'Yeah, I guess,' she says, taking another sip of coffee. 'But at school you were pretty determined to be part of the popular crowd. You and I used to do everything together, and then suddenly you were pushing your way in with the cool girls.'
I laugh. 'Kitty, they were just girls. We were, what, twelve?'
'But you realised they were the cool girls, and you got in there, and then by the time we got to secondary school you were at the top, with Nadia and Rachel and all of that lot. I didn't like them, and they didn't like me, and so you stopped talking to me.'
I bite my lip. 'I know,' I say. 'And I've apologised for that. I was young and stupid.'
'Yeah,' Kitty says. 'And you were so obsessed with having the best Instagram, and having the coolest boyfriend, and having the biggest eighteenth birthday party.'
I feel my cheeks flush as I recognise myself in what Kitty is saying. 'That's what every teenage girl is like,' I say.
Kitty shrugs. 'I just wanted friends who liked me for who I was, not for what I was wearing or how many likes I got on Instagram.'
'But now you have cool friends,' I say.
'I think we have different definitions of cool,' Kitty says. 'You're still worried about the social hierarchy - looking popular, being the queen bee. My friends are doing their own thing.'
'But Charlotte and Sylvie...' I start to say, but Kitty interrupts me.
'Charlotte and Sylvie dress like that, and wear makeup like that, because that's what they're passionate about. Charlotte is so creative and talented, and sure, she wears fake tan, but she could also tell you in intricate detail the entire history of fashion in Paris in any given time period. And Sylvie has the hand of a surgeon, she can apply eyeliner better than anyone I know, and she's also obsessed with poetry and draws political cartoons and illustrations about racism in Europe.'
'I get it, your friends are cool,' I say, scrunching up my cupcake wrapper somewhat aggressively. 'Which is why I'm bringing this up. I moved to London and thought I could be part of this group but clearly I'm not good enough. Not cool enough. I was cool in Brighton but London is different.'
Kitty sighs. 'Jane, you're not getting it. You need to stop seeing other people - other girls - as competition. We're not against each other, here. You don't win anything by being better than other girls. And in the same vein, you have to stop worrying that other girls are better than you. I invited you to live with us. Charlotte wasn't happy, sure. But to be honest, none of us were happy when Matt left. We were all heartbroken. It was the end of a golden time. But that doesn't mean we're not glad you're here. And you do fit in with the rest of us. You're a part of us now. Even if Ed gets grumpy. He always gets grumpy. And even if Charlotte ignores you. She's got even more of a problem with other girls than you do. But you're part of our family, now. Stop doubting it.'
I don't know if I can truly allow myself to believe everything that Kitty says, but her words make me feel a little better.
• Author's Note •
Thank you for reading, my loves! I hope you're really loving this book. Let me know in the comments what your thoughts are on everything so far!
Have you ever had a white Christmas?
elle xx