It has been three days since my birthday and it still feels surreal. I actually can't believe that I'm saying this but I have a birthday hangover. It just feels nice to feel loved during my birthday but even though my birthday has passed already, Sebastian is still showing his affection for me.
It's literature class and Sebastian is standing while the rest of us are comfortable sitting on our seats. Apparently, Stephan saw him staring at me while I was busy writing down notes. I don't know what has gotten to him but Stephan got jealous and he let it out by embarrassing Sebastian. He asked a question that is out of the context. Sebastian got the wrong answer and as a punishment, he's going to stand still until Stephan wants him to sit down again. Honestly, this is getting personal and too awkward for me to casually talk to Stephan because I can't just simply tell him to back off. I might confess to him that I know that he likes me and I don't want that to explain to him on how I found out because I know it's going to be complicated. I took a deep sigh. I feel bad for Sebastian.
The school bell ringed and Sebastian immediately sat down on his seat.
"What are you doing? We have another class, remember? Get up."
"Give me two minutes, okay? I just need to treasure my seat." Well, I really can't blame him. He was standing for the whole period.
"Raven?" I jumped. I looked back and I saw Stephan. He was holding an invitation card. "I would like to invite you on my very first art show.... as a date." Stephan said
"A date?!" Sebastian stood up and took the invitation card from Stephan's hands. "You know there's this rule wherein teachers can't date their students.... especially if the student already has a boyfriend!" Sebastian said
"Well, I'm no longer a teacher in this school. This is actually my last day of teaching which means, the rule doesn't apply to me." He grinned at Sebastian who was taken aback by Stephan.
"I'm glad you're finally having your first art show." I politely smiled at Stephan. "I'm going to be there but not as your date. My boyfriend wouldn't allow it."
"Your boyfriend?" Stephan looked at Sebastian. He looks at him filled with disappointment. "Well, as long as you're going to be present during the art show, then okay."
"Great! We'll be there." Sebastian said. He rested his hand on my arm. Stephan is filled with jealousy and I'm just wishing that both of us can make it to our second class on time.
"You aren't invited, Lewis. I only invited Raven and not you." Stephan said.
The second bell finally ringed and I hurriedly grabbed Sebastian's hand because we are running late for our second class.
***
Sometimes I'm grateful that I couldn't read Sebastian's thoughts. Well, I already know what he's thinking right now and I can't even read his thoughts. He's really jealous to Stephan and he's getting really territorial to me. He couldn't even let go of my hand even just for a second. Our second period teacher even scolded us because we were showing PDA (public display of affection) and I blame Sebastian for not letting go of my hand even in class. I'm just glad we weren't called out at the principal's office.
"When will you let go of me?" I grunted.
"Never." Sebastian grinned at me.
Claire rolled her eyes at us. She isn't the biggest fan when it comes to love and couples showing off PDA. I can't blame her though. She isn't really vocal when it comes to her love life. She have trusted lots of guys that entered and exited her life. All of them broke her heart. Her thoughts can make me conclude that she's simply heart broken and not yet ready to love again.
"I always say to couples that they'll eventually break up but since you guys are my friends, I'm trying my very best not to be bitter." Claire said.
"Our friendship is still to be proven, Claire. I still don't trust you." Sebastian said.
"Get a hold of yourself, Lewis. You're too protective over Raven."
"I really hate seeing you guys bicker. Can you please stop it?" I pleaded. I haven't seen the light that Claire and Sebastian can be genuine friends. They're just friends out of respect for me.
The three of us are walking towards the parking lot. We decided to grab some pizza on our way home. We've been craving for pizza ever since Claire mentioned how she badly wants chicago white pizza during lunch break.
"What the hell...." Sebastian muttered. A guy was standing beside his car. He has the same facial structure of Sebastian. His physical appearance is a bit buffer than Sebastian's. The both of them looked at one another. Not one of them said a single word. It was just a dead and awkward air between them.
"Why are you just standing there like you've seen a ghost? Hop in, brother." He finally said something. It then hits me that this guy is Sebastian's older brother, Sean Lewis.
"This is my car, Sean." Sebastian said. Sean groaned. I didn't know that there was tension between them. "What are you doing here?"
"I just applied as a janitor at your school because I've decided that it's time to start a new life in my favorite town." Sean grinned. He looked at me and Claire. He tried to approached us but Sebastian blocked his way. "Aren't you going to introduce me to your girls?"
"No." Sebastian snapped. He then looked at us apologetically. "Let's grab some pizza next time. I just don't feel like eating pizza today. I'll see you guys tomorrow."
"Are you okay?" I hold Sebastian's hand but he simply shake my hand away from him. He's really affected that Sean is back. What happened between them?
"It's not the best time to talk about it, Rae." Sebastian said.
"I'll take Raven home. So don't worry about it." Claire said.
I have a lot of questions to ask but I guess I'll have to ask him nextime wherein the timing is right. I really am worried about Sebastian. Something is really bugging him off and I think it's more than just Sean coming back in town. There's something more that he isn't telling me.
***
It's been three days since the awkward scene at the parking lot between Sean and Sebastian. Now that Sean is our new janitor, Sebastian isn't the same happy person that I know. He would feel tense all the time. I couldn't even have a proper conversation with him because he seems bothered and he would distance himself to me.
Tonight is Stephan's art show. I am quite hesitant to come here but I don't want to disappoint Stephan. This is his dream and he finally took courage to do something he loves.
I went out from the cab and I am uncomfortable on what I'm wearing right now. Mom insisted that I should wear an off shoulder dress and a pair of suede shoes. We actually debated for thirty minutes but then I realized that Mom is right. I should at least try to fit in so that I wouldn't look like an outcast.
I went inside the gallery where Sebastian's art show is held. The place is crowded with people who appreciates art. I'm not an avid art lover but I must say, Stephan has wonderful paintings. I smiled as I hear positive feedbacks from people's thoughts. They actually love Stephan's paintings. Some people are planning to buy his paintings and some are planning to hire him as their painter. Stephan is finally having a career that he loves.
"Raven?" Stephan approached me. He looked at me from head to toe. He is quite amused that I am not wearing my typical jeans and shirt. "You look beautiful."
"Thank you." I shyly smiled at him. I can't straightly look at him in the eye. I blame myself for reading his thoughts. He wants me to hold my hand and introduce me to his family in which I want to avoid because I don't want to make a scene here. Tonight is Stephan's night.
"So what do you think? Do you like my paintings?"
"Oh absolutely." I smiled. Just like any other paintings, his paintings tell a story. I know Stephan's story. He made art out of his struggles in the disapproval of his parents to choosing a job that he doesn't really want.
"You actually made a huge impact in my career, Raven and I'm not ashame to say it but I'm really proud of you for bringing out the best in me."
"I actually didn't know that I did something right but I'm glad to hear that."
"Well I actually want to show you something." Stephan grabbed my hand before I can react. He took me inside a room where there's only one painting hanging on the wall. "This isn't part of the art show but I want you to be the first person to see it."
I move a step forward to study the meaning behind the painting. It was a young man holding a raven. His heart was filled with roses and thorns. It's a painting about a forbidden love between a man and a raven. I looked at Stephan and he was already looking at me dearly.
"This is about me, isn't it?" I asked. There's no other logical reason for the story behind the painting. I know it was about me. "I appreciate your kind gesture but..."
"Please accept my heart, Raven." He cuts me off. "You're the only person who made me feel hopeful again."
"Mr. Anderson, I have a boyfriend." The thought of Sebastian getting furious when he finds out that I am alone with Stephan in a room is playing in my head again and again. "I feel like I'm cheating on him because I'm with you right now."
"Would you choose a boy over a man? You deserve a man, Raven. You deserve me." He moves a stop forward but I step back. I don't want to be alone with him anymore. It doesn't feel right.
"Sebastian's a man too... I'm sorry." I left the room and I never hesistated to look back. I don't want to see his reaction. I know I broke his heart but I care more about Sebastian's heart.
I went out from the venue and I saw Sebastian standing near his car. His hands are on his hoodie's pocket and he looked at me as if he haven't sleep for days. The bags below his eyes got darker and it seems like he's been losing weight.
"Hey." Sebastian smiled at me but his eyes look sad. He looks really tired.
"Sebastian? What are you doing here?" I approached him and hugged him but he didn't hug me back. Something is really bothering him. "You really need to tell me, Sebastian. Seeing you like this is making me worry. Please tell me."
"Will you still accept me if you know the truth? Will you?" Tears started to fall in his eyes and this is the very first time that I saw him vulnerable.
"You accepted me, right? Why wouldn't I accept you?"
"I made a mistake in my past, Raven and it ruined my family. I don't want to ruin what we have." He puts his head on my shoulder and he hugged me tight. He's really afraid to lose me.
We are all broken. In our own different ways.
***
The abandoned road has become sentimental to the both of us. I don't know if it's the stars or the fact that it's just the two of us, this place makes us open up to one another and I am hoping that Sebastin will finally tell his story.
We're sitting on the car's hood while Sebastian is drinking a can of beer to make him feel better. I don't drink beer because of its taste and my adoptive parents doesn't like the idea of me drinking beer.
"The stars are beautiful, aren't it?" I looked at the stars above. Everything surrounds us is calm and just plain beautiful.
"Yeah... they are." I looked at Sebastian and he's already looking at me. He wasn't really looking at the stars after all.
"So are you ready to tell me? Or do you need to drink more beer until you get drunk?"
"You know what...." Sebastian holds my hand and gently squeezes it. "Just having you beside me is an assurance that you won't leave me after hearing my story."
"I'll never leave you, okay?" I kissed his hand and smiled at him. "It's time for you to open up."
He took a deep sigh before telling his story. "In the past, my family is perfect. My parents are still together and my siblings still live under the same roof. We're just a typical family but I changed it. I ruined our family because I burned down the house."
Sebastian looked at me apologetically. I am quite shock. I never expected him to burn down their own house. "I'm... sorry to hear that."
"Do you still want to hear the rest of my story? Even after finding out what I did?" He asked and I nodded. "I never intended to burn down our house, Raven. It was never my intention to ruin our family but it happened. I was just eight years old back then and Selena was still so young. She had no idea what his big brother did. There was a blackout in our former house and my mom specifically told me not to play with matches and fire because our house is just made with wood. We only used flashlights and emergency lights during blackouts. My dad arrived and my mom went out to greet him. I was too much of an ass because I didn't listen to her. I play with the match and lit the candle. Dad called me and I went out. Minutes later, Sean went out of our house screaming and the fire started eating our living room. Mom panicked because Selena was inside her crib at our living room. Dad rushed inside the house to pick her up. Selena survived but she inhaled too much smoke that she was hurriedly rushed to the hospital. Our neighbors called the firemen but they couldn't help our house. The fire had eaten it everything."
"Sebastian...." tears started to fall from his eyes again and he's starting to have a breakdown. I hugged him tight before he loses himself again.
"I caused dad a third degree burn on his right arm and he couldn't look at me straight in the eye because of what I did. After the fire, it was found out that the fire was caused by a candle. The exact candle that I was using. My dad blamed my mom for leaving us unattended while Sean constantly reminds me for causing the fire. Our family were in a financial crisis and my parents' relationship went down the sink because they couldn't stop blaming one another. They ended up having a divorce. The custody was settled. My mom took me and Sean because dad rejected me. He doesn't want to live in a same house with me because of what I did. He took Selena because he wants to raise her right. He blames mom for my mistake and for Sean's arrogant attitude. Now here we are... ten years later."
I couldn't even say a single word. I didn't know that he's blaming himself for the fire. I know he was young and it was all just an accident. He's been blaming himself for ten years and I think that's just too much. I know I was a wreck and Sebastian was there to pick me up. Now he needs me to pick him up.
"Your mistakes doesn't define you, Sebastian. I don't know how to simply put this in thought but you are stronger than you..."
"I have depression, Raven." He cuts me off. "I still do and I always thought of having suicide all the time."
"What... why..." I couldn't even finish my sentece because Sebastian is indeed mentally affected by his tragic past and no one had an idea that behind his smiles are his attempts of ending his life.
"My suicide thoughts were lessen when I met you because I thought to myself that you have a sadder life than mine but you managed to be fine. You managed to live your life despite everyone telling you that you're a criminal's daughter and then the suicide thoughts were gone when I started having feelings for you because I realize that you're the one filling up the empty void inside me but now that Sean's back, I couldn't help myself but think of ways of how to end my life."
"Don't you say that! Don't you ever think about ending your life, Sebastian!" Tears started to fall from my eyes. I am frustrated and heartbroken because of what I heard. The scariest thing in life is losing someone and I don't want Sebastian to lose against depression. "I lost my mom because of suicide and I definitely don't want to lose you too."
"I'll be honest to you, Raven. For the past few days, I tried hanging or drowning myself at the tub but whenever I close my eyes, I think of you crying and seeing you cry right now because of me is hurting me a lot."
"Then don't say such words, Sebastian. It's killing me inside." My hands are shaking and Sebastian holds my hand and puts it closer to his heart.
"Sean mentally abuses me and that's why I couldn't stand seeing him. He still blames me for the fire. When we were younger, he would physically abuse me. He would punch me in the face and tell me that I ruined my parents' relationship. I ruined our family. It angers me that he's back. He was gone for a year and Selena didn't know because she has a weak heart due to the smoke that she inhaled during the fire. I don't know what has gotten into Sean but he's now trying to be a part of my life as a school's janitor. Does he want me to die?!"
Everything makes sense now. Behind Sebastian's smiles are his suicide thoughts. If I had the ability to read his thoughts, I would've comfort him already and help him conquer his battle against depression but yet, of all the people in the world, the only thoughts I couldn't hear are his own thoughts.
I honestly don't know how to comfort someone because I haven't heard a tragic story aside from my life. I don't know how to make him feel okay but there's nothing to lose if I try.
I rest my head on his shoulder and I wrapped my hand around him. "I am once broken, Sebastian. Do you know who fixed me? You. Now I also believe that you will someday be okay because I will be here for you. So promise me you want lose your battle from depression, okay?"
"You aren't running away or scared after telling you the whole truth about me?"
"The only thing I'm scared of is losing you. You won't let that happen, right?"
"I won't." He kissed my forehead and it just like that, it feels like everything is going to be fine.