Park Junhee was certain that he fucked up, yet he kept on hanging on. Trying to be strong as he looked at the one he had been admiring for years with their bestfriend.
“Hey, you had been staring at Sehyoon-hyung again.” Yuchan said as he tapped Junhee’s shoulder.
“Oh. I w-wasn’t, I was spacing out..” Junhee blurted while looking away on the younger.
“Okay then, hyung. But we should prepare for the school fest as soon as possible..” Yuchan said then shrugged, “So, that means that we’ll be having our rehearsal until midnight.”
“Yes, I know. Don’t remind me of the things I’ve said, you punk.” Junhee stated as he huffed, Yuchan chuckled as he walked to their oldest groupmate, Donghun.
Park Junhee sighed as he covered his face with both of his hands, he’s scared and devastated at the same time. He had been experiencing the symptoms of this damn sickness, he knew that it’s going to be hard starting from now on.
“Sehyoon! Byeongkwan! We’ll start our rehearsal now, the break’s over!” Donghun announced and looked at Junhee, “Junhee, let’s start.”
“Oh, yeah. Okay.” Junhee said in a bored tone as he went in his position.
“I’m going to teach this part of the choreo, right?” Byeongkwan asked and Junhee nodded, the younger smiled, “That’s it, everyone! Y’all should prepare because you might not catch up with me.”
“Stop fooling around or I’ll hit you, Byeongkwan.” Junhee warned him but the younger just laughed.
“Junhee-hyung and his violent tendencies is on the loose!” Byeongkwan joked as he grinned, “I’m a bit nervous though.”
“You can do it, I believe in you.” Junhee looked at the black-haired man beside him that smiled a little “Byeongkwan-sshi practiced that part again and again ‘til he did it perfectly so I’m confident that you can do it.”
Ah, there he is. The cause of this sickness, the boy which was misunderstood a lot. Kim Sehyoon can only smile like that when it comes to Kim Byeongkwan, and Junhee as a lovefool is contented on seeing Sehyoon happy. Letting himself suffer in silence, instead.
So, they started practicing the choreo for the school festival. Again and again, one mistake means that they have to start over on the top again. No water breaks until everyone’s moves is polished enough. Junhee cursed this sickness for existing, his sense of sight is a bit blurry as he felt dizzy in all of the sudden.
It had been years when a new disease had been announced, the disease that was because of intense love for someone, yet unrequited. The heart yearns for the other’s affection and if it stays unrequited, weird symptoms will be experienced. Stage one, shortness of breath whenever his heart beats faster than it should because of his loved one.
Stage two, coughing out blood when the feelings had been too intense or when he’s too elated, sad, mad or frustrated about his loved one. Junhee finds this stage too hard, it’s a relief that his groupmates were oblivous when it comes to this. He can excuse himself having a cough or a flu and they’ll accept it, without a hint of doubt.
Stage three, his senses will be ineffective at a lot of times. There are times that Junhee’s sight will suddenly black out or the time when Junhee can't taste the food he’s eating. It kept on worsening and all that Junhee can do is to cling on a thin thread of hope that Sehyoon will love him back, even though it’s impossible.
Stage four, his immune system will start to weaken until his body won’t be able to function at all. Junhee feared for the worst and it seems that he’s on this stage. Without proper medication, his body could just stop functioning along with his heart. As if it is giving up on living because it’s too tired, tired of waiting and wishing for his loved one to reciprocate the feelings back.
“We did it, guys! We just need to practice this choreo again and again until the school festival!” Byeongkwan cheered as he looked at Junhee, “Right, team leader?”
Junhee faked a smile, “Of course!”
“We’ll show ‘em our charms and slay the stage!” Yuchan said and Donghun nods his head.
“It’s been a while since we’ve performed as a group so I’m anticipating for this!” Byeongkwan said in a cheerful tone as he looked at the four boys, “Let’s do our best,okay?”
Sehyoon chuckled as he patted the younger boy, “Yes, Byeongkwan. We will.”
Ah, damn it. Junhee did his best to keep that smile plastered on his face despite the jealousy he’s feeling, he felt disgusting for feeling such an emotion like this on one of his friend but it can’t be helped, he loves Sehyoon too much. He was there for a long time with the boy even before Byeongkwan came to their life, yet Sehyoon chose the younger.
“Hyung, we should hang out this weekend. Our rest day will be on Saturday, right? Let’s hang out!” Yuchan said and leaned on his boyfriend's shoulder, “Right, Donghun-hyung?”
Donghun nodded, “I think Yuchan’s right, we should get some rest and enjoy our rest day.”
“You’re just saying that because you’re too whipped on Chan and you can’t say no to him.” he tried to tease the older and stared at Donghun with his infamous smug expression.
“You’re just hesitating to come because you’ll look like the group’s third wheel!” Donghun retorts.
Junhee rolled his eyes, “Well, I’m too awesome to be PDA-ing with somebody, not like you guys. You suck!”
“I swear to god, Junhee will never have a lovelife.” Donghun joked and Junhee tried to keep his smug expression.
“Oh really?” he said as his eyebrows furrowed, “Let’s see about that.”
Even Junhee thinks that he’ll never have a lovelife, he’ll just keep on watching over Sehyoon ‘til the sickness will consume him.
°•°•°•°
It was Saturday, he was in front of the park where they should be meeting each other right now yet aside from him, the others haven’t arrived yet. Junhee made sure that he brought his medication with him since it’s going to be a long day for him, he’ll try to supress his damn emotions for the sake of his team.
“Damn it, I’m always the early bird.” he hissed while looking at their conversation last night, “And that punk, Byeongkwan had the guts to say that the last one to arrive will treat us ice cream even though he’s always late.”
It had been like this, Sehyoon, Donghun and Junhee had been friends since their first year in middle school. Yuchan later joined the group when they were in the same Dance club during their third year in middle school, the younger was just a freshmen back then but they got along and had been friends, they made their own unit in the Dance club and was recognized by the whole school for being a synchronized and powerful dance team. They had been the representatives on a lot of dance contests which they’ll always get a price, either being a winner or a runner-up which made their Dance club instructor proud of them.
It's also a good thing that their school had been accepting primary, middle, and high school students. That means that they'll stay as a group for a long time, but as the trio became high school students, a new face had arrived. At first, everyone in their Dance club was intimidated by the short guy in front of them. He was a well-known dancer from a prestigious school that was also a representative on dance contests, but as the younger looked at Junhee, it smiled and all of the intimidating aura around him disappeared in a blink of an eye. And after the short introduction, Byeongkwan seems to be attaching himself to Junhee’s group and they’ve decided to let an another ray of sunshine invade their turf. Three becomes four and after a while, it’s a group that consists of five boys.
“You looked creepy, Junhee.” Junhee suddenly looked at the one who talked and noticed Sehyoon was also sitting on the same bench as him.
“I spaced out once again..” he said and facepalm-ed.
“You had been spacing out a lot these days,hyung. A penny for your thoughts,perhaps?” Sehyoon said as he leaned on Junhee’s shoulder, “I’m still sleepy,hyung. If only Kwannie didn’t made thaf bet in the first place then I should’ve been enjoying my relationship with my mattress at home. Tell me about what you’re thinking,hyung~”
Junhee cursed to himself and tried not to feel too happy about this, Sehyoon looked like a kid with the oversized coat he’s wearing and his hair was down for this time, not like the usual brushed-up hairstyle. He tried not to ruffle the younger’s hair but he failed miserably, Sehyoon looked at him with confused eyes which made him laugh. Oh, damn it. Might as well indulge this rare moment.
“Thanks for being concern, but it’s nothing. Just about the performance, I guess.” he replied.
“Glad that it’s nothing that deep, Junhee-hyung’s a bit sentimental at times and sometimes, he’s an insensitive person. I’m afraid that if you wouldn’t express your thoughts, it might stress you out.” Sehyoon said as he looked at the cherry blossoms around, “This park’s a good place, isn’t it?”
“Yes, we had been going here since high school yet this place never change at all, it’s still beautiful.” Junhee said while smiling.
Sehyoon yawned, “Damn it, when will they arrive? I’m too sleepy.”
“Then try to take a nap for a while.. it’s alright.” Junhee suggested, “You’re too tired from the rehearsal last night,Sehyoonie. Go ahead and use my shoulder as a temporary pillow.”
“Hyung, we’re going to look like a couple if I sleep like that.” Sehyoon complained but in the end, he closed his eyes, “Well, then.”
“Sorry if I wasn’t Byeongkwan, just try to imagine that I’m him to make it more romantic.” Junhee tried to tease him and he noticed the pink hue on the younger’s cheeks.
“Shut it,hyung.”
Instead of continuing to tease Sehyoon, Junhee shut himself and just watched the scenery while Sehyoon slept. Junhee looked at the people walking around, and the petals that kept on falling from the cherry blossoms. It was really a calm place and seeing Sehyoon’s peaceful look while he slept makes Junhee happy. If only the younger would love him back, it’ll be the best day for him.
In all of the sudden, he felt dizzy once again and he mentally cursed himself for enjoying this moment too much. He needed to hold it in himself, he doesn’t want to move because Sehyoon is a light sleeper and he’ll probably destroy the younger’s slumber. He tried to breathe again and again while massaging his head until the pain subdued, Junhee sighed.
“Not now.” he murmured while still staring at Sehyoon.
“Hey!”
Junhee looked at the one who shouted and saw Donghun with Chan but he shushed them before Chan is about to say an another sentence and pointed at the younger boy that was asleep. Yuchan, being the obedient kid that he is, covered his mouth and nodded while Donghun chuckled.
“Just as always.” Donghun muttered and gave Junhee a sidelong glance.
Donghun and Yuchan sat on a different bench, a little far from the bench where Junhee and Sehyoon were sleeping to avoid Sehyoon hearing Yuchan’s loud voice. Junhee looked at the boy that was asleep and at his right hand, he was hesitating if he’ll hold it or not but a chance like this is rare. Sehyoon isn’t fond of skinship—unless if it's Byeongkwan that is attaching himself to him.
But his left hand failed him, Junhee noticed how their hand fits each other’s spaces—as if it was meant to be holding each other. He cannot stop smiling while looking at both of their hands, it might’ve been just a little thing for others but for him, holding Sehyoon is enough to make him happy. Even though the younger isn’t aware, he’s fine with it. He hoped that this moment could last forever.
“Guys!!” And of course, things like this should end. Junhee immediately let go of Seyoon’s hand and looked at Byeongkwan that was running on their direction.
“Hmm?” Sehyoon stirred and opened one of his eye as he looked at the surroundings before realizing what was happening, “Oh, I slept!”
“Yes,you did. So, how was sleeping at my shoulder?” Junhee smirked as he winked.
Sehyoon rolled his eyes, “As if I have a choice.”
“Hey! What does that mean!?” Junhee pouted and he can hear Donghun’s laugh behind them.
“Wait, the four of you were already here?!” Byeongkwan exclaimed while looking at the four of them in disbelief.
“Don’t act like you’re surprised or something, you’re always the late one.” Yuchan teased him as he stuck his tongue out.
Byeongkwan pouted, “And I thought that I was the first one to arrive.”
“Junhee was here on time, I was late for a few minutes.” Sehyoon explained as he looked at Donghun and Yuchan, “And I don’t know when did they arrived but all I can tell is that they’ve arrived before you.”
“So prepare your money, Byeongkwan.” Donghun stated in a playful tone.
“Fine!” Byeongkwan took his wallet out before sighing, “Damn it.”
And just like what Junhee expects, Sehyoon left his side and went beside the grey-haired boy. As all of them were walking to the nearest ice cream shop, Donghun told Yoochan to go beside Byeongkwan and the younger nodded. Donghun looked at Junhee in disbelief.
“Are you going to hold your feelings back without even fighting for it?” Junhee looked at the older with a shocked expression and Donghun sighed, “Look, I’m your friend since middle school. And I’ve saw all of the looks that you’ve been giving on our oblivous friend, I might look like I know nothing—but trust me,Jun. I know that you love Sehyoonie, I know.”
“Donghun, don’t tell anyone.”
Donghun widened his eyes, “What? Are you going to keep it to yourself?”
“Look, haven’t you seen Sehyoon’s smiles? He had never been like that unless it’s about Byeongkwan. And how can I even compete when the one he’ll choose is really obvious, I can’t ruin his happiness for my own happiness.” Junhee replied.
“You’re such a martyr.” Donghun said in a stern voice, “And stubborn,too.”
“Well, it’s up to you if you’ll keep on insisting that I should confess but sorry to tell you, I’d rather die.” Junhee said as he grinned.
“Hey!” Donghun glared at him as he smacked Jun’s head, “Don’t say stuff like that! I just want to tell you that if you need someone that you can talk to,I’m here. Don’t bottle up your emotions just to yourself, Junhee.”
Junhee looked at Donghun, the older was smiling and that was enough proof for Junhee to believe him. He can’t help but nod as he chuckled.
“Fine,” he sighed.
Byeongkwan looked at both of them before he stopped on walking, “Hey! Is there something wrong?”
“Nope! And don’t you dare ask because it’s none of your business, brat!” Junhee playfully said as Byeongkwan pouted.
Donghun sighed before he shook his head, he’s worried for the younger yet Jun kept on being stubborn as always. “Junhee..”
“We shouldn’t talk about stuff like this for now, let’s enjoy this day.” Junhee said before running to Byeongkwan’s side.
Donghun can't help himself and sighed for the nth time, he wants to help Junhee but the younger doesn’t want to.
°•°•°•°
It was their school festival, after the days filled with late practices, the time has come for them to perform. Junhee watched over the four boys, Yuchan seems to be too nervous but Donghun kept on assuring the boy that they’ll do well while Byeongkwan was talking with Sehyoon beside him, he noticed how Byeongkwan’s arms were wrapped around Sehyoon’s waist. Sehyoon was smiling, which was rare and most of the time, his smile was because of the younger boy. But Junhee noticed his ears, it was all red and he can’t help but chuckle which took all of their attention.
“Junhee?” Donghun said as he looked at him with confusion.
“It’s nothing, it’s just that.. it’s always like this, all of you kept on being like this and it really makes me glad to see that nothing has changed on our little group,” Junhee said as he looked at them one by one, “We’re about to perform soon enough, and after that.. we’ll probably be continuing our dance performances on different contests, so we have to work harder than we should. And I’m thankful because you guys didn’t even think about leaving our dance group despite the other units in the Dance club attempts to steal y’all in my turf.”
“How can we leave Junhee-hyung? You’ll be pitiful without us!” Byeongkwan said and Junhee shot him a glare.
“Listen, you dipshit. I am on my emotional mode right now and it’s a rare moment so enjoy every second because I’ll definitely roast you with every words I’ve got after this.” The others laughed and Byeongkwan hid behind Sehyoon which was chuckling as he looked at Byeongkwan.
“Junhee’s right, Byeongkwan. He rarely releases that sappy attitude of him so we better indulge it, or probably record it then let him watch a few days later how cringey he was.” Donghun said and Junhee wanted to slam his head on the nearest wall, even this dude is playing along with the brats.
“And I thought that you were on MY side, Donghun.”
“As if I’m on your side,Junhee.” Donghun scoffed.
“Whatever, guys. Let’s just slay the stage!” Yuchan said in a determined tone, without a hint of fear or anxiety in it.
“Chan’s right, let’s do this!” Byeongkwan cheerfully said as he grinned.
“Fighting!” The five boys screamed as they did their group cheer.
As the MC called their group named, the boys went in front of the stage and the whole auditorium is filled with screams and cheers for the five boys. And as the music started, their body moved as if it was in sync with the beat and melody of the song, and in a blink of an eye, it’s over—
The five boys sat on the backstage while drenched in their own sweat, chest rising and falling as they looked at each other with smiles that shows gratitude on one another. But as Junhee met Sehyoon’s coal-colored orbs, Junhee felt the bile rising up to his throat as an intense feeling had triggered his disease to take over.
He covered his mouth with his left hand as he ran to the nearest cubicle and locked himself as he threw everything up, losing his strength after throwing up made him rest on the wall as he tried to regain his strength. He heard the footsteps getting near his cubicle so he flushed every single evidence of his pitiful disease. Because Junhee believed that ignorance is bliss, he'll dragged the others down along with their dreams into bits because of his sickness.
“Hyung, are you alright?” It was Yuchan’s voice and Junhee mustered up his remaining strength to stand up and wipe his mouth.
He opened the cubicle and grinned, showing his cat-like teeth “Yes, Channie. I g-guess that I’m just feeling a bit unwell because of fatigue.”
“Then should we cancel our celebration later? You need to rest, hyung.” Yuchan's voice was somehow trembling and Junhee felt a pair of arms helped him to stand up, it sucks because his sense of sight is being messed up again.
“G-Go on without me, it’s alright. You guys deserve to celebrate, just have fun for me. Okay?” he stated and patted the younger’s head as he smiled, “Yuchan, make sure that they won’t overdo stuff.”
“B-But hyung, we need to consult this to the others first.” Yuchan said but Junhee shook his head.
“Go ahead.” he stated, trying to sound tough as he walked out of the restroom.
He went outside to get some fresh air but he witnessed something unexpected. Sehyoon giving out a rose on Byeongkwan that was flustered as heck. Junhee hid behind to eavesdrop.
“B-Byeongkwan, I like you. I really like you, I don’t know when it started but I’m certain of one thing.. you’ve captivated me and my heart. I really hope that you f-feel the same..” He heard Sehyoon confessed to the younger boy while trying not to stutter but ended up almost stuttering every single word that he said.
“Sehyoonie hyung.. wait, this is too sudden! I don’t know how to react..” Byeongkwan kept on looking on different directions as he fans himself with both of his hands, face still as red as a tomato “A-Are you sure,hyung? You’re probably kidding, right? There is no way that you’ll like someone like me? I am not that good-looking like Junhee-hyung or as mature like Donghun-hyung.. heck, I’m not even as bright as Yuchan! Maybe you’re just confused.. there's no way that you’ll like an annoying prick like me who kept on teasing and clinging to you.. there’s no wa—”
“I like you, Kim Byeongkwan!” Sehyoon shouted as he closed both of his eyes as if he just released all of his courage to scream his feelings for the shorter one, “I like you and your personality, I don’t care about your face, your height, or your attitude. I fell for you and that's it, Byeomgkwan. How can I not fall for someone as sweet and caring just like you? With your voice like honey and your smile that can be compared to the sunshine itself? How can I not notice your existence which made me change? You’ve made me happy, you’ve made me become a better person.”
“Oh my god. This is real..” Junhee can’t help but chuckle because Byeongkwan looked like he was a deer in the headlights. “This is real..”
“So.. Byeongkwan, would you please go out with me?” Sehyoon asked.
Junhee was happy and at the same time, devastated because of Byeongkwan’s response as he accepted the rose.. totally crushing the tiny hope that he held on. “Yes, Sehyoon hyung. I would love to!”
“I-I’m glad.” Sehyoon sobbed as he tried to wipe his tears but failing in the process as more tears escaped from his eyes.
“Sehyoon hyung! Why are you crying?!” Byeongkwan gasped as he also wiped Sehyoon’s tears with his thumb.
“I’m so glad, Byeongkwan. You don’t know how you made me so happy!” Sehyoon blurted out and Byeongkwan laughed as he hugged the older.
Junhee clutched his chest as he felt himself getting weaker than he is, he can’t help but cry as he kept on walking away from outside. But his body failed him, his legs failed him as he fell to the ground while trying to breathe properly. He clutched his chest tighter but everything seems to hurt and after fighting with this sickness, he felt the urge to let the darkness cradle him to sleep.
After all, he was tired. He was so tired of everything. Tired of hoping and getting hurt again and again.