Based on a psychologic study, a crush only lasts for a maximum of four months. If it exceeds that time frame, then you are already in love. Eight years ago, what was meant to be an innocent kiss grew into tangled feelings that Camila couldn’t even describe. All she knew was that a part of her heart belonged to Lauren. They had a special connection, uncomplicated, natural and rare. She knew that most people search their whole lives to find what they’ve already found.
Falling for Lauren came suddenly, she didn’t mean for it to happen. At first, Camila figured it was her looks. Her thick red locks and green eyes, and that when she smiled her whole face crinkled in a way that made Camila’s breath catch in her throat. But she assumed her infatuation wouldn’t last, that in time, as their friendship flourished, Lauren’s looks would be less arresting for the younger one. At the very least, she thought she’d develop immunity from her infectious smile. But no such luck.
Her feelings advanced deeper - she understood Lauren on a level that most people never knew existed. Camila learned that Lauren’s eyes told stories that her mouth never uttered. Camila had memorized the different shades- they were a stormy shade of jade when she was angry. At other times they were a murky green, but that was generally when she was troubled about something. Then there were rare times when they sparked with what seemed a thousand tiny lights. They’d glittered like that when Camila did something silly to make her laugh. Oh how Camila wished that sparkle in her eyes could last forever. Lauren did a great job at convincing people that she was confident, self-assured. But the truth is the day that Christopher died, a part of Lauren went with him. She was wounded. She was broken. And all Camila wanted to do was put the pieces back together.
Camila walked out of the Harvard Admissions building and headed towards the corner of street. Her eyes found Lauren, who waited patiently by an oak tree. She occupied her time by kicking pebbles aimlessly, her expression both critical and dejected. Camila took a moment to admire Lauren’s profile, she was beautiful, with her long scarlet mane she allowed the wind to toss into tangles.
“Hey Laur” Camila said as she approached her friend. The older one continued her listless game of gravel soccer, hardly acknowledging Camila’s presence. Her sad, murky-green eyes locked with Camila’s for a moment before returning to the ground. With that one look, a rush of emotion assaulted Camila unlike anything she’s ever experienced- she wanted to hold her, protect her, bring back the shine in her eyes.
“Was it that brutal?” Camila said, leaning forward and taking Lauren’s hand into her own. She thumbed tiny circles into her palm.
Lauren shrugged her thin shoulders. She held herself so erect that it was easy to forget her tininess. But sometimes, like right now, it struck Camila just how fragile Lauren could seem.
“Come on.” Camila grabbed her around the elbow and Lauren softened like a rag doll, letting herself be dragged. They walked across the street to a local bar to take advantage of Happy Hour.
“So are you going to tell me how the interview went or do I have to drag it out of you?” Camila asked as they both occupied a place at the bar.
“I need four Tequila shots” Lauren shouted to the the bartender. Lauren turned back to Camila and touched her face with a gentleness that made the younger one’s breath catch. “Stop worrying. I’ll be fine,” she whispered, her face not believing her own words.
“If I don’t worry about you, who will?” Camila replied faintly, her heart fluttered at Lauren’s touch.
Lauren’s gaze softened. “Camz, this Harvard dream may not happen. I think Dr. Gardner decided that the moment he laid eyes on me. The first thing he said to me was “Lauren, you’re a pretty girl.” As if that was the only thing I could bring to the table.” She drew in a deep breath and said “I’m just a fucking joke to these people. I guess I’ll live vicariously through you.” With that, Lauren drank the first shot and fell in love with the potent liquid that dulled the pain of rejection.
“You are the most passionate and intelligent person I know. They would be stupid to turn you away,” Camila said earnestly. Lauren locked eyes with the younger one, the look in her green eyes was so devastating that Camila reached out, put her arm around Lauren, and drew her close. “We are a package deal, Laur. If they don’t accept you, we will find somewhere else to go,” Camila said faintly against her ear.
“But Harvard is your dream.” Lauren replied, feeling a clutch in her heart. Her eyes met Camila’s- never in her life had she met anyone with eyes so dark and expressive. Some days they were like cellophane and she could see her moods as clearly as the words in a book.
“No,” Camila said with a smile, “my dream is to do this with you. Like I said, we are a package deal.”
“You’re so amazing. It’s unreal,” Lauren said confidently, smiling for the first time that day. Lauren stared at Camila for a slight moment, realizing for the first time how long her hair had gotten. That day instead of braiding it to the side of her head the way she normally did, Camila left it free so that it fell in gentle waves around her shoulders.
Camila raised her margarita glass for a toast. “To us. Bitches for life.” A small giggle escaped her lips as she took a sip, her face immediately winced. Lauren smiled knowing that the younger one was not a drinker and the mere smell of alcohol got her tipsy. They clinked glasses and drank.
And drank.
By her fourth round, Lauren was drunk. Lauren smiled and slinked lower into the chair.
“My perfect Camila” her voice blurred and hazy. “Camila with the perfect grades and perfect family and perfect fucking life.” Camila gaped at her startled, hearing the rawness of her words.
“I love you but… I wish I didn’t have to try so hard to keep up with your perfection.” Lauren looked up into her dark orbs and felt the weight of her loneliness. Camila lowered her head, nervously biting her bottom lip. For some reason, Camila found it difficult to look at her. The younger one’s face reddened as she looked away. Lauren reached out and touched Camila’s chin, traced the faded scar on her jawline, a caress that made the younger one shiver. There was a boldness in touching her as if she was admiring a masterpiece, her fingertips danced softly against the contours of her face. Camila jolted from her chair and swept Lauren’s hand away. “Uh… I need the restroom” Camila mumbled as she breathless walked away.
She could not remember the last time someone made her feel this nervous and tense with just their simple presence. It’s disconcerting in a way. Camila was normally able to keep her feelings in check, hidden away. But the past day had brought them all to the surface and she was not able to breath around Lauren- everything felt like fire. It was an intense love—flattening everything in its path, tossing things up in the air, ripping them to shreds, crushing them to bits. An intensity that didn’t abate for a second.
“Damn you, Lauren Jauregui,” she whispered to herself as she tousled her fingers through her hair. Once Camila was able to compose herself, she rejoined her best friend. Lauren was on her feet, dancing all by herself right next to the bar, swaying to the melodic rhythm of the song Poison and Wine.Camila wished she could find that kind of ease in herself but one drink wasn’t enough to undo who she was. Instead, she stood there watching Lauren. The song was dark and beautiful and extremely intense.
You only know what I want you to
I know everything you don’t want me to
Oh your mouth is poison, your mouth is wine
You think your dreams are the same as mine
Oh I don’t love you but I always will
The pain in their voices caused Camila’s heart to hurt. She understood the lyrics in a way that was far too real. How one person could love another when they are poison, a painful and unhealthy love. A one-sided love, a curse for a lonely heart. She held out on the hope that this poison could still heal, that the truth in the emotion of the singer’s voice made her believe that maybe this sort of love is possible.
When Lauren turned and caught the younger one studying her, Camila guiltily shifted her attention to her fingernails and pretended to pick at them. The way her heart was hammering, one would think she was in cardiac distress. She struggled for composure. Lauren’s eyes lightened thoughtfully as she scaled her way towards Camila.
“Dance with me.” Lauren slurred. She threw her arms around Camila and held her tightly. At first Camila felt awkward, being that they were the only ones that slow danced to the song. But then she relaxed in Lauren’s arms giving her a gentle squeeze as they moved with natural ease. Their feet made little more than tiny, shuffling movements that gave the pretense of dancing. It was as though they were the only two in the room and the song was playing solely for them. It felt so good the way Lauren had her arms wrapped around the younger one, her hands caressing the small of Camila’s back.
“Your heart,” Lauren whispered as she placed the palm of her hand over Camila’s chest. “It’s beating rapidly.”
Camila closed her eyes and touched her forehead against Lauren’s. She took in several breaths before speaking. “When we first met, you told me the same thing,” she said, surprised at how weak her voice sounded. “You said the heart has secrets that the mouth refuses to utter.”
“But we don’t keep secrets from each other” Lauren countered.
“I have one that I’ve never told you.” Camila replied with hesitancy curdled in her voice.
“Wh-what? What is it?” Lauren eyes widened and their gazes locked together.
Camila didn’t know what was happening, why she felt transparent enough to consider having Lauren view the darkest places of her heart. Her gaze turns downward to Lauren’s lips. They were plump and tantalizing. Make a move, she thought. Camila draws her bottom lip into her mouth, rubbing her tongue against the fleshy skin. She runs her hand through her chestnut locks, messing it up in a glorious way. Camila’s breath begins to strain as she looks into those emerald eyes. They were glassy and bloodshot. That was enough to bring her down to earth. What kind of person would take advantage of her drunk best friend, Camila inwardly chastised herself. She dropped her hands to her side needing some distance between them and took several steps back.
“Nevermind, it’s not a big deal,” Camila mumbled. “We should go. You’re wasted and I’m tired.”
Lauren stumbled forward and grabbed onto Camila’s waist for support. “Wait, tell me. We’ve never kept anything from each other and now you’re distancing yourself from me,” Lauren rambled, “I failed you. You were relying on me to get into to Harvard and the one thing you relied on me for-” Lauren’s throat felt swollen and constricted, her chest suddenly tight as if tears were brewing just beneath the surface. “I’m sorry Camz. I should’ve studied harder. Now you are going to leave me and… and I don’t have anybody but you…” Her eyes seeped with alarm.
“Shhh” Camila interrupted by placing her finger against Lauren’s lips. Lauren’s lashes fluttered against her cheek as she lowered her gaze. A few strands of her wavy red locks fell onto her forehead. Camila smoothed the hair away from Lauren’s worried face. The older one spent a lifetime hiding pain and she did it so well. It was a mutual understanding, the unspoken hurt, the daunting uncertainty of loneliness and the frightening feeling of what looms on the horizon. The only person she could be vulnerable with was Camila because she trusted the younger one with her broken pieces. The need in her eyes were the same today as it was back when she lost her brother at the age of thirteen- her eyes looked to Camila to put her destroyed world back together, to ease the unimaginable fear of losing the ones nearest to her heart.
“I would never leave. Never.” Camila answered in a thick voice, her hands trembling at the very thought. “I promise.” She looked into those green eyes for a moment and grinned. Camila leaned over and placed a small kiss on the older ones cheek. She lingered there for a slight moment, taking in the smell of her vanilla scented tresses. Camila barely touches her but it’s enough to send a faint tremor down her spine. “Feel better babe?” she asked gently.
Lauren nodded softly as her eyes became heavier by the second. “Let’s go to bed,” Lauren murmured, the words tumbling out of her mouth in a mumbled mess. She fell into Camila’s side as she pressed her lips against the younger ones’ forehead. Camila reciprocated with a gentle peck on her cheek. Then she grabbed her hand and lead her outside.
Dusk hand already settled over the city and the lights from the bay flickered in the distance. Lauren slipped her arms around Camila’s waist, burying her face in the brunette’s hair. “I love you, Camzi. You’re my person. Always.”
Camila sighed as she thought, I love you more than you’ll ever know. But loving you is like waiting for a ship at the airport. No matter how long I wait and crave you, you and I will never become a reality. So I’ll just keep my delusions. I’ll live in this world where love doesn’t hurt, where my mind gets lost in thoughts of you. Yes, I’d choose this delusional over reality.
———————
“Dean of Admissions office. How may I help you?”
“Yes. My name is Camila Cabello. Is Dr. Gardner available?” Camila inquired, looking over her shoulder. Camila hid on the hotel balcony and lowered her voice even though Lauren was fast asleep. There’s no way she can find out about this, Camila thought. She would literally kill me. And my family.And my dog.
“This is Dr. Gardner,” a stern voice spoke out interrupting Camila’s thoughts. “So nice to hear from you Ms. Cabello.”
“Oh hi,” Camila replied nervously as she chewed on her bottom lip. She mustered up strength as she continued. “Dr. Gardner, as unprofessional as this may sound, we both know that if I accept admission to your school that I would bring nine hundred thousand dollars of grant money with me,” her voice was a little more than a croak. Camila was the recipient of the prestigious Avery Foundation award- a hefty grant that aided in the advancement of research and science technologies. Whatever college the winner of the award attended would reap major benefits, being that their programs would attain significant funding.
“Yes Ms. Cabello and we are honored that you’ve chosen our university.” Dr Gardner replied sounding flustered.
“Yes, I’ve chosen to attend Harvard with one condition…” Camila’s voice quavered at thought of what she was about to request. Harvard had always been the dream. As a little girl, she had always aspired to go to the best college in America. Now with the possibility of Lauren being rejected, Camila decided to take fate in to her own hands. She wasn’t ready to relinquish that dream so easily.
“Condition?” he questioned lowering his voice.
—————————————
On May 29th, letters of acceptance to Harvard Medical School were delivered to adjacent houses on Miranda Drive.
Camila was immersed in her summer reading of The Notebook when Lauren barreled into her room, jumped on Camila’s bed while straddling her in the process. She gripped onto the letter excitedly with the brightest smile. “Camz, guess who got accepted to Harvard?” Lauren whispered happily and nuzzled into Camila’s ear. Lauren felt a free-flowing elation unlike anything she’d ever experienced.
“Um… I don’t know. It’s hard to tell,” Camila answered back in a teasing voice.
Lauren hopped off Camila’s lap and began to jump on the bed while shouting enthusiastic shrieks of joy. Camila couldn’t think of the last time she had seen her that happy. Watching her produced a curious sense of pride. Camila sat against her headboard and watched her best friend go ballistic until she tired herself out. Panting and breathless with laughter, Lauren collapsed on the bed beside Camila. With her weight resting on the palm of one hand, Lauren stared at Camila, her eyes alive with passion, the exhilaration in her face was something that could not be manufactured. Without a word, Lauren brushed away the soft wisps of hair from the younger ones temple and brushed her lips dangerously close to Camila’s mouth. Camila felt a sudden chill and rose to a sitting position. Lauren, oblivious to the younger ones reaction, cuddled up close to her best friend, still on a high from her acceptance.
“Camila, I’m fucking going to Harvard!” she exclaimed, feeling giddy and reckless and wonderful.
“Babe, I’m proud of you,” Camila replied intertwining her hands with Lauren in the process.
“I’ve finally done something without the help of anyone.” She said as a quick, tantalizing smile spread over her features.
Camila’s heart sank to the pit of her stomach. “What d-do you mean?” Camila responded, stammering over her words.
“Well you know, I’ve always felt that I wasn’t good enough, that people didn’t accept me for being just me. Papi was an alumni from Columbia so I knew that I’d attend there because of his reputation. But it was never on my own merits.” Lauren sighed as tears welled up in her eyes. “I know I’m being overly emotional but it really meant the world to be accepted to Harvard on my merits, without any help from Papi, Mami, or even you. It validates me, you know?”
Camila’s breath becomes ragged, her chest begins to ache with anxiety realizing her phone call to Dr. Gardner was something Lauren could never find out about.