“You’re a dirty liar,” I inform Emmett with a laugh the next morning as we’re driving to school. I’m driving today and I don’t know why he isn’t driving too, but he’s riding with me for some reason. I think he’s trying to save gas which is weird because we don’t even pay for our own gas, our parents pay for it.
“What do you mean?” He decides to play dumb with me, texting somebody with his phone on his lap as I stop at a red light.
“You said that you were working yesterday but I went to the store yesterday and Benson was working,” I explain excitedly because I’m excited to hear what his excuse is for telling me that he had work yesterday when he actually didn’t. “So I gave him pizza instead but yeah- dirty liar.”
“You hung out with Benson? I still don’t like it that you two are friends,” Emmett tries to change the subject on me, but I don’t fall for it at all. I used to be that gullible and to just let him change the subject, but not this time because I want to get to the bottom of this.
“Were you with Natalie?” I sing, pulling into the parking lot of the school. I never realized how much fun it is to tease my brother, but this is pretty fun. “It’s totally cool if you were- I won’t tease you or anything.”
“You won’t?” He scoffs in disbelief.
“Of course not,” I assure him. “Just like you didn’t tease me at all when I was still in the just friends stage with Nate.”
“I thought we weren’t allowed to talk about him,” He reminds me with raised eyebrows.
“We’re not- this isn’t about him,” I say quickly, waving off his accusation of me bringing up Nate for the sake of making my point.
“Wait, but didn’t we tease the hell out of you when you were talking to Nate?” Emmett recalls after a moment, obviously confused.
I grin at him innocently as I step out of the car and push the button on my key thing that locks the doors for me. “My point exactly. So were you with Natalie then?”
He sighs and then nods, apparently giving up on hiding the truth from me because he realizes that it’s useless and that he actually can’t hide the truth from me because I will find out. “I would tell you that we’re just friends but you won’t believe that, right?”
“Of course not, Em,” I laugh. “You didn’t have to lie though, I would have found out either way.”
“Obviously,” Emmett mumbles as we walk side by side into the school. “We really are just friends though, Venice. Back to Benson though, you guys aren’t like, really good friends, are you?”
“We’re pretty close,” I shrug. It’s obvious that I can’t just tell him that I’ve hooked up with Ben and I plan on doing it again and again, because if I told him that, Benson would be worse than dead before we had the chance to hook up again and I don’t want that at all. “Don’t worry about me though, Em, okay? I can take care of myself just fine.”
“Since when?”
“Since seven months ago,” I say quietly. “I’ve changed, Em. I’m not as defenseless and stupidly gullible as I used to be. Benson is a nice guy and although he may do questionable things, that doesn’t make him any less nice.”
“It’s still my job to protect you,” He insists stubbornly. “No matter how grown up you think that you are.”
“Okay,” I sigh, knowing that it’s useless to try and convince him because he’s so ridiculously stubborn. “Whatever you say.”
Once we get into the school, I sit with Lexi and Brent while we wait for the first bell to ring that lets us go to our locker, which I do every morning. Emmett sits with his friends- the ones that I sit with at lunch- and although they’re nice, I’d just rather sit with my own friends.
Brent is suggesting to Lexi that they go to some concert this weekend as I sit down and I kind of just zone out their conversation and look at the clock, seeing that we have about five minutes left until that bell rings. I’ve never heard of the people that Brent wants to go see, so I’m not all that interested in hearing them talk about it to be honest.
However, those five minutes don’t go by peacefully like I had planned because a few moments after I sit down, Cole approaches the table, biting his bottom lip anxiously. My bones start to shake under my skin and I really wish he’d just leave me alone but I guess that’s just an impossible concept for him to grasp. I know that all he wants to do is apologize so I know that I shouldn’t be so scared, but I am. Just seeing him makes me remember things that I desperately want to forget and I hate it so much.
“Do you not understand that I don’t want to talk to you?” I demand irritably when he gets close enough to hear me.
Lexi is facing the other way because she’s having a conversation with Brent but when I start talking, she turns around and sees Cole standing there and immediately, she stands up to stand face to face with him. It suddenly occurs to me that this is the first time Lexi is seeing Cole after finding out that he’s one of the guys who attacked me at the party.
“Listen, I just want to talk, okay?” He pleads, not even looking at Lexi.
“You don’t get to talk to her,” Lexi snaps at him, clenching her jaw at him, which means that she’s incredibly mad and understandably so with what she found out yesterday.
“Lex, what’s the problem?” Brent wonders from his seat.
She looks at me, pleading me with her eyes for me to let her tell him, but I just shake my head at her because I don’t want anybody to know what Cole did to me. I really just want it to all be behind me but I know that it’s not possible.
“I-“ Cole starts to speak and I actually think that he’s going to say the truth. I don’t know what he’s going to say though. ‘I just want to apologize for raping her and basically ruining her whole entire life and sanity and all of that. See you in chemistry.’ I don’t think that’d go very well for anybody.
I either have to let him confess or I have to get him away from here because there are other people around other than Brent and they don’t need to know either. “It’s just a homework question,” I say quickly, grabbing Cole’s elbow and dragging him away from the table. When I touch him, I kind of want to vomit, but I suppress that urge and only let go when we’re in the hallway alone.
“What the fuck is wrong with you?” I snapped in hysteria. “I do not want to talk to you.”
“I know that,” He sighs. “But I can’t live with this anymore, Venice.”
I cross my arms over my chest and lean against the lockers. “You can’t live with it? Well, join the club then. The only difference is that I didn’t do anything wrong so excuse me if I’m not exactly sympathetic.”
“I’m serious,” He snaps. “I know that what I did- what we did- it hurt you. When you went missing and everybody thought you were dead, I… I don’t know, it really freaked me out. I can’t believe we did that to you. I mean- I’ve known you since we were five and I just… I’m really so sorry.”
“You’re sorry?” I echo. “Well, that just changes everything. That makes me feel so much better, it really does. It changes my whole world that you’re sorry.”
“Right,” He sighs. “Well, I just wanted to let you know.”
The bell rings just as Benson walks up to us completely out of the blue, which is really weird but very relieving. “Is everything okay?” He asks me, but he’s looking at Cole.
“Everything’s fucking perfect,” I snap irritably before turning on my heels and going the opposite direction towards my locker and Benson follows me.
“What was all of that about?” He wonders curiously.
“Nothing,” I say with a shrug. “It was just… yeah, it was nothing.”
“Okay well I know that you’re not going to really tell me so I’m not going to ask again, but I don’t believe that it’s nothing,” Benson tells me. “But you know that if you want to talk about anything, Venice, I’m always here.”
“Nobody is ever always there,” I tell him with pursed lips. “Everybody has their limits, you know, and then people leave when those limits have been reached.”
“Aren’t you in such an optimistic mood today,” He comments.
I just shrug.
“So do you want to come over this weekend or something?” Benson suggests.
“I have plans this weekend,” I say, referring to my reuniting with Mr. Erickson but I don’t tell Benson that part because he doesn’t know about it and I would never tell him that. “Friday night and then I have this dinner thing with my family on Saturday.”
“So you talk me into this benefits thing and then you stand me up?” He teases me with a small smile.
“This weekend is just bad,” I tell him with a laugh. “The weekend after this weekend though, I’ll make it up to you, yes?”
“Sure,” He nods and I stop at my locker. Benson stops with me. “So, are you sure that you’re okay? You still seem pretty shaken up about whatever happened with Cole.”
“He’s an ass,” I say. “He’s such a freaking ass. But I really don’t want to get even more worked up by thinking about it now so I’m just going to class. Thanks though, for asking.”
“Yeah, I’m kind of amazing,” He gloats before walking away to go to his first period class.
The day is like any other day after that until it’s lunch time and I’m walking to the cafeteria. The hallway is pretty crowded as I’m walking so I don’t see Sam standing there when he pulls on my elbow and I stumble into an empty classroom. Before I can tell what’s going on, the door is shut behind me and we’re alone in the room together.
“Oh, you have got to be shitting me,” I croak out, trying my best to not throw up because it’d be really nice if I didn’t throw up right now even though that’s exactly what I want to do. Like I said, seeing Cole is bad but Sam is so much worse and the fact that we’re alone in this room also makes it so much worse. My knees immediately go weak and he’s standing by the door so I know that I can’t just walk away so I sit down on one of the desks. “To what do I owe the pleasure?”
“I saw you talking to Cole earlier,” He states. I close my eyes and count to five to try and calm myself but the anxiety still doesn’t go away. The memories continue to flash through my head like it was just yesterday that he was forcing himself on me.
“Neither of you seem to grasp the concept of ‘leave me alone’ I’m noticing,” I mumble shakily.
“For crying out loud, Venice, calm down, I’m not going to hurt you,” He says, seemingly annoyed as if my uncomfortableness is incredibly inconvenient for him to deal with. “I just want to make sure that the past stays in the past.”
“That makes two of us,” I state, looking down at the floor instead of up at him.
“Look, I feel bad about what happened,” He informed me. “I know that I don’t act like it, but I do. I just don’t think that it would help anybody if you started telling people what happened.”
“I-I’m not telling anybody,” I tell him.
“You told Lexi,” He reminds me. “How do you know that she’s not going to tell anybody?”
I shrug. “I don’t know. Maybe she will.”
“You don’t know?” He echoes. “Do you know what would happen to me if this got out?”
I nod. “Yes, I do. And it’s not really any of my concern for what happens to you if it gets out. I don’t know why you and Cole think that I owe you guys something. I owe Cole my forgiveness to set him free or something and now I owe you my secrecy. It’s all bullshit. You did this to me and I don’t owe either of you anything.”
“That’s a lot of tough talk from a girl who can’t even look up at me,” He taunts me.
I stand up from the desk and I go for the door but he stops me because he’s still standing at the door. “Let me go,” I say in a strangled plea.
“I need to make sure that this stays a secret,” He tells me.
“And what are you going to do?” I hiss. “Beat me up? Kill me? My brother is just down the hall and I promise you it won’t work out very well for you even if you could kick my ass. I’m not going to tell anybody and the only choice you have is to trust me and even if you don’t trust me then too bad because it’s not your choice to make. If you didn’t want people to find out what you did then you probably shouldn’t have done it. Ass wipe.”
He releases my arm and I forcefully push him to the side and he stumbles out of the way of the door. Once I’m out in the small classroom, I speed walk down the hallway but I pass the door to the cafeteria because I can feel myself forgetting how to breathe and I need some fresh air.
I’m so zoned in on getting to the exit that I don’t notice somebody else coming out of the boys bathroom. I bump the guy’s shoulder and spin around on the impact.
“Oh shit, sorry Venice,” Nate says because coincidences aren’t on my side today and Nate is the guy that I just ran into.
I decide to ignore him because I have tears down my face and I’m starting to hyperventilate and I really don’t want anybody to see that- especially not Nate. I take off towards the doors again and I hear him call my name from behind me but I keep going until I’m outside. It doesn’t help as much as I was hoping it would, but I still can’t go back inside. I press my back against the brick wall and close my eyes, trying to get myself to calm down.
Stay still.
Stop crying.
I know you want it.
It’ll feel good, I promise.
Stop crying.
Why are you crying?
Stop it.
Stop.
Stop!
I bend over and puke in the grass while holding my hair behind me. Luckily, I haven’t eaten lunch yet so it’s not a lot but I do continue dry heaving for a minute and then I calm down a little bit.
“Venice?” Nate comes outside as I’m wiping my mouth with the back of my hand. “Are you okay?”
“I’m just peachy,” I mumble shakily in a raspy I-just-threw-up voice.
“You don’t have to be okay all of the time, you know,” He informs me.
“Yes I do,” I argue. “You really don’t understand anything.”
“I’m here for you, you know,” Nate assures me softly.
“Oh, that is a load of shit,” I snap at him, wiping my eyes with my palms to try and stop the tears but I don’t think that they’re going to stop at all. My chest is burning again but I’m getting used to the feeling whenever I’m around Nate. I still hate it, but I’m used to it.
“No it’s really not,” He denies. “I have always been there for you and you know it.”
“You hated me for the first week that I was here,” I remind him bitterly. “But now that you realize that Sam wasn’t telling the truth, you want to be all buddy-buddy again?”
“I still don’t know what the truth is, Venice, because you won’t tell me anything,” He defends, patting me on the back as I bend over and start dry heaving again. “Let me take you to the nurse.”
“No, I’m not going back in there,” I say stubbornly, digging my heels into the grass. “Just… just leave me alone.”
“You’re the one who left, Venice,” Nate mumbles under his breath.
I stand up and look at him. I want to glare at him and yell at him but I can’t. All I do is look at him like a lost puppy or something and I’m still crying as I whimper, “But you’re the one who gave up, Nate.”
“You gave up when you left,” He defends. “What else was I supposed to think? You left without any kind of goodbye or a note or anything, you were just gone. How is that not giving up?”
He’s right and that’s what hurts the most. I did give up. In his eyes, I gave up on us. I lean against the brick again and start crying even more as everything begins to muddle inside of my brain and the memories are getting worse and they’re combining into just one big blob of shit. I remember that last phone call that I had with Nate. I remember being in that room alone and then the knock on the door. I remember Sam telling me to stop crying as he took my dress off. I remember Cole telling me that he was so sorry. I remember me crying and pleading for them to stop. I remember Eli. I remember what my mom did the day after when I was so scared and confused and traumatized.
“Okay, maybe we should have this conversation when you’re not having a mental breakdown,” Nate suggests. “Do you want me to go get Emmett or something?”
“Can you… just sit here please?” I ask him. I don’t feel like the new and improved Venice Forrester- slightly bitchy and slightly slutty and completely confident- I feel like old Venice- weak and dependent. I don’t want to be alone right now but I also don’t want to fight with him. “I know that you hate me and I’m pissed at you so let’s just not talk. Just be here.”
He doesn’t say anything, he just sits down beside me and we sit there together but alone against the brick wall. Even after I stop crying and I get my face to look a little bit decent, we just sit there. Together but alone.