Amir's cell phone rings and he retreats to my office to take the call. I look out the window into the backyard. I am honestly relieved for the reprieve. It gives me a few minutes to think about everything that has been swirling in my head for hours.
Do I deserve happiness? I found love and happiness once. It was wonderful, but it was taken from me so quickly. When it was gone, the loss nearly destroyed me.
I have a lot of guilt. I started a chain of events that resulted in David's death. It was never intentional, but I will always feel guilt and regret my decisions. I don't know if it fair to ask for a second chance when I took so many things for granted.
I think that's part of what is stopping me from pursuing a relationship with Amir. I know that he seems to have everything I would want in a man. In many ways, he appears to be a better match for me than David.
He might be a better choice for me, but what about my sons? Is it fair to bring another man into their life after the death of their father? Is it fair to make them join me on another emotional roller coaster? I don't want them to get hurt again. What if they get attached to Amir? What if Amir isn't what he seems? What if he walks away from all of us? Would it bring their world crashing down again?
The weekend is coming to an end and I don't know what to do. I promised myself that I wouldn't become invested. I was so sure that I could spend one night with him and easily move on. I know I was lying to myself.
I feel his presence before I see him. Amir's warm arms wrap around my waist. He places a small kiss on my cheek and whispers in my ear, "Why so serious sweetheart?"
"I guess part of me is sad to see the weekend come to a close. You have work tomorrow. I have a flight booked. It's almost goodbye."
Amir turns me to face him and brushes a lock of hair from my eyes. "It doesn't have to end. You could push out your flight. I could call in sick. We could play hooky together. We could have one more day of fun."
I can't help smiling. "You don't seem the type to call in sick."
"I've never called in sick. I'm a hooky virgin." Amir's eyes dance with delight. "I bet you could corrupt me."
I can't help teasing him. "I would love to say that I corrupted Amir Khadem, but I'm a good girl. I don't play hooky either." Then, I realize that I need to tell him the truth. "My kids are expecting me. I won't disappoint them."
"I would never make you choose me over your kids. I know they come first. I'll help you pack if you promise to make the most of our time together."
"I promise." I raise myself onto my toes and seal my promise with a kiss."
Amir spent the rest of the evening catering to all my needs. He packed my bags with military precision, relieved all my tension in a bubble bath and spent hours making love to me. Then, he wrapped his warm arms around me and I fell into a deep sleep.
It feels like no time has passed when I find myself confused and having difficulty breathing. I look around me and I see nothing but smoke. I hear shouts for help and screams of agony and I rush toward the sounds without being able to see where I am going. I follow the heat and screams and find a huge big rig crushing a small black sedan. A wall of fire surrounds both vehicles. The smoke filled is deserted and there's no one to help.
I look through the flames and I see the smoke-filled cabin of the car. The only thing visible through the smoke are hands pounding on the glass. I try to run forward to help, but can't get through the flames that surround the car. I run around the car trying to find a way to get through. Everything seems so familiar. It feels like I've been here before. Then, Amir's face appears in the window. Fire engulfs the interior of the call and I start screaming "no" as loud as I can. The more that I try to scream, the more that words seem stuck in my throat.
Then, feel arms around me and someone shaking me. I look around. The smoke is gone. The vehicles and the fire have disappeared. I realize that Amir's arms are around me. He wasn't in the car. We're still in bed.
Amir is fine, but I my heart is racing and I can't stop my body from shaking. My lungs feel constricted and I still can't catch my breath. I feel tears falling freely down my face and feel sobs escaping my mouth.
Amir holds me close and starts gently rocking me and stroking my hair. He whispers soft soothing words in my ear. I feel my body start to relax and I start to realize what happened. It was another night terror.
The beginning of the nightmare was the same as the dreams that plagued my nights for the first year after David's death. The twist was that Amir was trapped in the car this time. The sequence inspired a new round of terror that I haven't previously felt.
I hear Amir's voice calling me back to the present. "Hey, you're okay. It's all going to be ok. You're safe. I won't let anything hurt you."
I wipe away my tears and return his embrace. My heart rate is starting to return to normal and I feel like I can breathe. My words come out as a hoarse whisper, "Thank you. I'm sorry I woke you."
Amir continues stroking my hair and says, "I'm glad I was here. Tell me about your dream."
I tell Amir about the dream leaving out the twist where he was the driver trapped in the car. "It's a recurrent nightmare. I started having them the night my husband died. I haven't had one for a few months. I thought I was finally over them. I guess that I still feel guilty."
"You don't have anything to feel guilty about. It isn't your fault that your husband died in that accident."
"You don't understand. It was my fault. I wanted David to be more serious about his career. I pushed him to take the big sales position that put him on the road that day. David didn't love the job, but he accepted it for me. I pressed him to meet with that new prospect in the Central Valley. He wasn't sure about the guy, but I thought it was a big opportunity. He wanted to wait to pursue the lead, but I pushed David to meet with the company right away. It was my fault he was on the highway on the day of the accident. It's my fault that he died."
"Sweetheart, it's not your fault that he died. There was no way that you could have known what was going to happen."
"It's been two years and I still feel guilty. I moved here because I couldn't live in our house anymore. It was like David was everywhere and I couldn't breathe. I had nightmares every night. I couldn't create a good life for my kids. When our wrongful death case with construction company settled, I used the part of the money to create college trust funds for Jace and Connor. Then, I bought this house. I needed to start fresh."
"So, the construction company took responsibility for the accident. Tell me what happened."
"I signed a non-disclosure as part of the agreement, so I'm not allowed to talk about David's accident." I shouldn't say more, but I want to explain. I take a big breath before continuing. "Hypothetically, a company might make a very large settlement offer if they were avoiding bad press before signing a major contract with the state. They would be even more likely to offer that settlement if the accident was gruesome and a whistleblower could prove the accident involved negligence on the part of the company's leadership."
When I accepted the settlement, I knew it was taking the easy way out. It was a huge settlement that allowed me to pay off all our debt, put money away for the kids' future and my retirement. For some people that would be enough motivation, but I wanted to make the construction company paid for their mistakes. I wanted to make sure that they never put another family in our situation.
At the same time, I didn't want all the ugly details of the accident to be constantly on the news during a lengthy trial. I didn't want the kids to find out that David was trapped in a burning car after the initial impact. He couldn't be rescued and we don't know if he suffered before he died. I didn't want to cause my kids more pain. They had been through enough.
I feel this overwhelming tidal wave of emotions threatening to overtake me. Everything that happened tonight has shown me that I'm not ready for a relationship.
I look into Amir's worried eyes and my word come out as a soft whisper. "I'm sorry that I'm so broken. Please make me feel better."
I place a kiss on his lips and he deepens it. He seems to know what I need and slowly worships my body. My body takes comfort in his touch, but my soul knows this is goodbye.