For the next few days, I turned the thought of my result over and over in my mind.
I ached to know more. There was something torturous about being given the tiniest snippet of information and then being expected to forget about it, because nobody could give me the answer I wanted. The fact that it was so huge made things worse; I couldn't even tell what was at stake. If there was a ticking time bomb inside me, laying low and waiting for the right moment to explode, I wouldn't know until a moment too late.
Sometimes, it felt like the not knowing would kill me faster than the actual thing. I needed to stop thinking about it. I longed for a distraction, but those weren't handed out for free in a place like this. There were jobs to do, sure – but while they were all menial and repetitive, they were somehow not mind-numbing enough. I didn't need to concentrate to scrub floors, to stir pots, to clear out rooms of furniture so we could make use of the space. Instead, my brainpower was left well and truly free to agonise over my biological identity.
I soon realised what I wanted most: to talk to Jace. He felt like the only person I could connect to in that moment, the only one who would have any idea. Perhaps it would even help him. After all, he was still struggling to come to terms with the revelation, to adjust to the idea that he wasn't who he thought he was. Talking to him offered the potential to open up the two-way channel of communication that I longed for.
But it was unlikely. In fact, over the last few days, I'd barely seen him – which could've been equally due to chance or a conscious decision. He'd already made it clear he didn't want to talk; it was me that was struggling to accept it.
My own head made things worse. Any time he wasn't in my immediate line of sight, I assumed the worst: that he was cosied up with Nova, sharing a private moment meant for nobody else's eyes. Especially not mine. Perhaps she told him what I wasn't allowed to know. Even if family connections counted for nothing, their bond could've been stronger. It was entirely possible that Nova was willing to give up more for him than for me.
When I did see them together, they gave away no hints. Usually, they talked in hushed tones, and while I couldn't make out the words, they didn't seem to hint at love. On Nova's part, at least. Jace was a little harder to read – and half the time, he looked awestruck, like he was struggling to believe she was stood there in front of him at all.
I knew it was none of my business. Unfortunately, my brain never listened.
As the days passed, I started to give up on Jace. Maybe Nova was right, and offering help was pointless unless he wanted it. To stay agonising over it was a waste of time, not to mention terrible for my mental health. In fact, I was beginning to understand why Nova detached herself so much. It was much simpler to avoid getting hurt in the first place.
Maybe I had a lot to learn from my older sister.
I could do it, I told myself. I could change my frame of mind, reshape my perspective on the whole situation. My focus would be on this base, here in Birmingham, and moving forward for the greater good. No personal problems.
But then, one afternoon, Jace found me.
The morning had been spent trekking through the outskirts of the city, where concrete met wilderness and I could breathe a little easier. Officially, I was out on Nova's instruction to keep an eye out for signs of security breaches – like an out-of-place footprint that hinted something was amiss – but I couldn't deny that my eyes occasionally wandered, on the lookout for anything Art would count as treasure. On my way back, the heavens opened unexpectedly, and the rain came down so fast I was soaked within seconds. With my hair plastered to my face, and my boots squelching with water, the only real option when I got back was to jump straight in the shower.
The communal block was ancient. It looked like it'd been part of a gym or sports centre in its day, and it had probably been fairly old even back then. Here, in an effort to conserve water, it was one of the only places the plumbing had been reconnected. It wasn't the most luxurious bathroom in the world. The line of showers were sectioned with heavy-duty plastic; although it blocked out most of the light, it also kept the little warmth from the water in. I had to be grateful for the small things.
That day, I stepped out of the shower into an empty room, my hair dripping and a towel tucked under my arms. It was the first time since last night that my arms had been exposed, and under artificial lighting it was impossible to resist taking another look at the damage.
Though lingering smears of blood had been washed away, the bruises looked worse than ever. I let my fingers trail the length of my arm, tracing the damaged skin underneath. They stopped when they reached my forearm, hovering over a particular mark that had me leaning in for a closer look. It was another bruise, but this one was much darker, and the shape caused my heartbeat to quicken. It almost looked like... a hand, where five fingers had squeezed with all their strength. Like something had grabbed me, and I hadn't been able to let go...
A sudden clattering from behind me made my heart skip a beat. I spun on the spot, instantly on guard, half-expecting to be faced with what had attacked me in the nightmare.
Instead, I saw Jace.
"Oh!" he said. "Sorry. I should've knocked."
I exhaled in relief, but as the initial shock wore off, it was replaced by an acute awareness of how little I was wearing. Instinctively, I pulled the towel more tightly around my chest. "It's okay," I said. "You just made me jump."
His face flushed, and he seemed to go to duck his head, but his gaze caught on something in the process. By the time I realised what he was looking at, it was far too late.
I placed a hand on my arm in a pathetic attempt to cover some of the bruises, but he'd already noticed. "Are you okay?" he asked. "Did you hurt yourself?"
My hand absent-mindedly rubbed the marks, like this alone would make them go away. In that moment, all I wanted was the opportunity to disappear – or at least a few more seconds to allow me to pull on a long-sleeved top. I hadn't even worked out what they meant myself yet; I didn't need Jace asking questions.
"It's nothing," I told him, hoping my voice wouldn't betray how much it was really on my mind. "I was out in the woods earlier. Think I got scraped by a few stray branches."
It was a weak explanation, and did nothing to address the bruises, but I hoped my expression would at least convey that I didn't feel like talking about it. For a few seconds, Jace looked at me, and I really thought he was going to push it. But then he nodded.
"You really have to be careful out there," he said. "It can be brutal."
With each moment, I was growing more and more aware of the fact that I'd just stepped out of the shower, and it didn't help that the unexpected encounter had thrown me off. After I'd spent so long wishing for Jace and I to come face-to-face, here we were, in the most unusual scenario. I pulled the towel even closer. "So, um... did you need something?"
"Oh. Yes. Sorry. I was looking for you, actually – I wanted to know if you were busy this afternoon."
I thought of the rota, which had only specified an outdoor check this morning, and nothing else. Without knowing what Jace had in mind, I couldn't tell whether this was a good or bad thing. "I don't think so."
His face lit up. "That's good. I was wondering if you wanted to... get away from here."
I paused. "What do you mean?"
"Not permanently," he said, reading my suspicion. "I wasn't planning on anything that dramatic. Just for a little while."
I still wasn't getting it. "Get away where?"
"There's a place I found," he said, appearing not to grasp the fact that I was seeking more information, and not just empty words. "I think you'll like it."
I couldn't work him out. Even studying his face didn't give away the faintest hint about what was running through his mind. After everything, how had we ended up here? He'd gone from isolating himself, avoiding all social contact and making me think he never wanted to speak to me again, to... this. This bizarre encounter, in the most unexpected of places, making me an offer I couldn't work out.
"Jace," I said. "Is that such a good idea?"
His face fell. "Why not?"
"Because..." I wanted the words to come easily, to rush out with minimal mental anguish, but when I opened my mouth nothing came. I sighed. "I don't know. You tell me. Because, in all honesty, I don't have a clue what's going on with you."
I expected a defence, or at least some attempt to construct one. However, Jace's features crumpled in resignation.
"I know," he said. "I know this is out of the blue. I haven't meant to act like this. I know I shouldn't be pushing people away, especially not at a time like this. I've just been... scared."
"You're not the only person who feels scared."
"I know," he said again. "But it seems like I'm the only person who struggles to deal with it. I'm trying. Honestly."
I wasn't sure what to believe. He sounded genuine, but that could've been my wishful thinking. He could say all this now, but it provided no guarantee that he wouldn't withdraw straight after, retreating back into his shell and leaving me feeling like a fool for having faith. No matter how hard I tried to work Jace out, it seemed like it might never happen.
Maybe it wasn't smart to believe him. For all I knew, it could turn out to be a fatal mistake. But when I caught sight of the flicker of hope in his dull brown eyes, and my mind flashed back to the first moment they'd shone blue, I couldn't help myself.
All this time, we'd been bound by circumstance, and that hadn't changed yet.
"I'll go with you," I told him, "on one condition."
He looked hopeful. "What?"
"You have to talk. I'm sick of silence."
For a second, he considered it. I held his gaze as the thought crossed his mind, and the deeper meaning shifted between us. I didn't know whether he was going to go for it, but it was my best shot.
Eventually, he nodded. I could feel the unspoken agreement click into place. Keeping his eyes firmly on me, he said, "Okay. No more silence."
***
Having my steps fall beside Jace's seemed strange, foreign, misplaced – even though barely a week had passed since we'd felt like a team. It was odd how things could shift so quickly. The boundaries between normality and everything else had been blurred. Though in reality the only change between us had come from inside my head, it seemed more tangible than that. I could feel something was off.
Still, I kept walking.
"Where are we going?" I asked. He had his own sense of direction, some kind of purpose that fuelled each step, but hadn't let me in on that secret yet. "You'd let me know if this was some kind of undercover escape plan, wouldn't you? Because I really haven't thought about that kind of decision, and if you took me with you anyway, it might be counted as kidnap..."
"Astrid." I wasn't looking straight at him, but I could hear the smile in his tone. "This isn't an escape."
"Okay, good." Momentary relief manifested as a pause, but that only gave me time to think harder. "So what is it?"
He stopped then, his feet coming to a halt on the concrete so he could turn toward me. Suddenly face-to-face, I felt my heart quicken, unnerved by such close, unexpected eye contact. "Don't you trust me?"
"I'm not sure," I said truthfully. "With the lack of information, I have to admit it seems a little sketchy."
"I'm not trying to trick you. I just don't want to ruin anything before we get there."
"You're setting up some big expectations here," I told him. "You know that?"
But he didn't seem worried. "I know. It'll be worth it."
With that, he kept walking. We were moving further and further from recognisable territory, our footsteps following a winding path that would eventually depart from concrete. It reminded me of being out with Art – his self-assurance, confidence, sense of adventure. On my own, it hadn't crossed my mind to venture beyond where I know. There was too much potential to get lost, to mess something up, to anger Nova. I always held myself back.
"If you're not going to tell me what you found," I said, a while later, "at least tell me how you found it."
He looked at me quizzically.
"Well, for a start, where did you find time?" I asked. "This place is run like a tight ship. Either there's been some shirking of duties, or you've been expected to do a lot less than me."
"There's always time," he said, which didn't really do a lot to answer my question. I tried to convey this in a single look. "There is. It's been doing my head in, stuck in that place all the time. I know it's a big city, but it's a deserted city, and that's enough to send anyone stir crazy. Getting out is the only way I feel like I can breathe again."
It was just another admission that proved me right, that he'd been struggling and hadn't said a word about it. I was tempted to point it out, but doing so would cause more friction between us than it was worth.
When I didn't say anything, he glanced over. "Do you know what I mean? Don't you feel like that, too?"
At first, it felt like there was an automatic response on the tip of my tongue, but nothing came out. The question forced me to stop, to really think about it. Honestly, I wasn't even sure what I'd felt since being here. The rush of emotion, what seemed like every single one under the sun, had at times felt like too much to process. A lot of the time, I'd swept it under the rug, figuring it was something I could deal with later. That at least meant I could breathe, even if each movement felt like it took all the effort in the world. "I don't know."
My answer wasn't satisfactory, and I knew that. It was weak, noncommittal, and all of a sudden I felt like a hypocrite for accusing Jace of staying silent. I couldn't even come to terms with what was going on in my own mind, let alone explain it to anybody else. There was no reason why I couldn't tell him about the nightmare, the unexplained injuries, or the strange results from my DNA sequence. Talking to him might've even helped me process it – but I wasn't willing to give him the chance.
"I'm just trying to get by," I told him, doing my best to ignore how he was studying me, which I could see out of the corner of my eye. "That's all."
There was so much more I could tell him. The nights spent lying awake in the dark. The crippling feeling in my chest each time I realised how alone I was. The crippling worry about these sequences in my DNA and their unknown consequences. All of it was there, just below the surface, waiting to be let out.
But I didn't.
I stayed quiet, and so did he, and that made it easier to focus on the moment in hand instead of anything else.
The anything else could be dealt with another time.
"Well," he said, after a pause that stretched far too long to be comfortable. His voice was quiet, gentle – not daring to approach the boundaries my own tone had set out. "Maybe you'll find this helps."
We'd come through what looked like it had once been a park: a green space now overgrown and sloped with branches, trees and shrubbery. Fighting our way through seemed the only way we'd make it anywhere.
He pushed aside a particularly thick mass of branches, which stretched right across our path, and held them back for me while I ducked under.
Then, we were there.
"Whoa."
The word escaped me in a single breath. I couldn't believe what was stretched out before me, or that it could exist in a place like this. Concrete towers were still visible on the skyline, and if I looked hard enough, I could just about see the steeple of Nova's church peeking out from behind them. We weren't far out, but at the same time, it felt like we were worlds away.
In the park, there had clearly once been a lake, but fifty years of crazy climate had raised the water level considerably. Heavy rainfall and the subsequent flooding had carved out an even bigger space for the water, and the path we'd been following suddenly disappeared under the surface. The air was filled with the sound of flowing water, trees overhead swishing in the wind, even the faint song of birds somewhere above.
It was nothing like Birmingham, and nothing like New London, either. In all my life, I'd never seen anything like it.
"Nice, right?" Jace took a few steps forward. He kept looking back, not letting his eyes stray from me for more than a couple of seconds, eager to gauge my reaction. I couldn't really blame him; it was impressive.
"It's beautiful," I murmured. "I can't believe this is just... here."
"I know," he said. "That's what I thought when I first stumbled across it. It's crazy."
I couldn't stop staring, and even when I did, the sight somehow seemed to draw my eyes back anyway. The water looked remarkably clear, flowing freely rather than stagnant, untouched by most of the litter scattered across the area. It was probably freezing cold, since the temperature outside still hadn't warmed up enough to be considered spring, but the longer I looked, the more I wanted to dive right in.
"I know what you're thinking," he said. "And it's clean. But it's also very, very cold."
"You went in?"
"I think it must've been a moment of temporary madness," he mused, smiling slightly, "but yes. It was kind of a shock to the system, but I think it did me some good."
I was having trouble imagining it: him escaping out here, away from everything back at the base, bracing himself for the water in this enclosed, private space. He'd been so isolated, so shut off, and that seemed far too free-spirited. It just didn't add up.
My gaze trailed from him to the water, and then back again.
When our eyes locked, I felt something stir within me. Something that felt like it'd been lying dormant for a long time. "I'm kind of feeling it."
He raised his eyebrows. "You are?"
I nodded. Though I couldn't be sure of exactly what it was, something was definitely drawing me in, and it was too strong to ignore. "Yeah. What do you say?"
For a moment, he considered it. I noticed the thoughtful expression and how, out of habit, he reached up to push his glasses up his nose. When our eyes met again, I felt something flutter inside me.
"Sure," he said. "Let's do it."
-----------------
Hi, guys! Sorry for the slightly longer wait than usual. As Wattpad now seems to be completely fixed, I'm going back to regular Monday updates, and I wanted to get my days back on track.
I'm super excited for where this story is going. A few days ago, I was editing the chapter after this one and I am SO PUMPED to post it because I know you guys are going to freak out. So, yeah. There's your heads up that something big is on the way.
As always, please please please let me know what you think. I know there are a lot of silent readers of this story, and I don't blame you, because I often do that too! But maybe think about dropping by to say hi, just this once...? :-)
I am going to be posting SNEAK PEEKS of the big exciting chapter on my social media this week! So make sure to give them a follow if you want to be kept in the loop...
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Until next time, guys! Have a great week!
- Leigh