"I want an ocean view, somewhere. As long as I'm next to you, I don't care. I don't wanna live my life in circles. I just wanna find an empty road. Let's get away from here, let's go"
~ This Town (Stargazing)
The party had started not long ago. Daisey's place, however, was already packed to the hilt. Red cups were everywhere, as were the hundreds of people from school I could barely recognize. The girls had asked me to distract Nicholas once he gets here until they were ready to confront him privately. Honestly, I wanted everything to be over already. I desperately wanted to be home watching Friends like the basic bish I am.
The only reason I was helping the girls out was Daisy being quite persuasive. We all sat approximately close to each other in English and one day, out of the blue, Daisy asked me if I wanted to help them bring Nicholas down. I was heavily reluctant, but she eventually convinced me that it would be good for everyone, including the man in question if he learned to do better. So, I agreed to help. It was going to be my contribution to charity for the year.
Currently, I sat in the living room with a bottle of water in my hand. Not trusting anyone in the house, I'd brought my own water bottle and hadn't taken my attention off it since I got here. My eyes were set on the front door, waiting to catch Nicholas the moment he walked in. What I was going to say to him to fill in the time was beyond me. Truth to be told, it made me nervous to know that in a few minutes, Nicholas and I were going to be alone...we were going to talk. Oh, God. Could I really carry a conversation with him after all this time?
As I continued to battle with myself mentally, Nicholas walked in through the front door. I quickly stood, walking to catch him before he disappeared amongst the crowd.
"Nicholas, hey," I greeted softly; I could barely hear my voice.
I was shocked when he looked away from his friends to lock eyes with me. A small smile pulled at his lips. "Iris. I didn't know you'd be here."
An uninvited chuckle escaped my lips. "I'm the one who invited you, no?"
His smile widened, a hint of reminiscence present in his eyes. "You are. I just didn't expect you to come, that's all. You hate crowds."
Sadness engulfed my thoughts; he remembers something about me, which I didn't know how to regard. So, I just shrugged. The painful nostalgia of our deceased friendship could wait. "That was a long time ago, Nicholas."
He regarded me with curiosity. "Are you saying you don't hate crowds anymore?"
I let out an annoyed grunt when a bunch of people passed by me, aggressively brushing past my back. They were the reason I hated crowds, which he was spot on about; no one knew what personal space meant and everyone acted like a bunch of toddlers. I promise I am not always this irritable. Taking a deep breath to calm myself, I suggested, "How about we go somewhere quiet?"
His eyebrows narrowed. He must've caught on to how I reacted to the people who rudely pushed me. Okay, I may be exaggerating as they mildly brushed past me, but the still invaded my personal space, which absolutely warrants my irritation in my opinion. Nonetheless, he was watching me with intrigue. "You don't mind talking to me?"
I feigned an oblivious scoff. "Why would I mind talking to the hottest guy ever?"
He let out a soft chuckle, a familiar sound I didn't know I missed until now. When he took a step forward, a reminder of how much I hurt when he abandoned me flashed before my eyes. I needed to step away before I burst into tears like the walking emotional wreck I am. Thus, before he could get too close, I turned and walked to the private area by the dorsal of the backyard, careless as to whether or not he was following. When I felt the calming breeze from the large trees, I let out a sigh of relief and sat on the bench, surrounded by colorful flowers.
Nicholas followed suit, sitting too close to my liking. His patchouli scent filled my senses, almost pushing me over the edge of my sanity, which, by the way, was only hanging by a thread at this point. Then he caught my eyes, his light brown eyes as beautiful as ever in the moonlight. "I haven't seen you in so long," he commented, his deep voice laced with sentimentality.
My reaction was immediate. The bitter words slipped out before my mind could think them over to consent. "And who's fault is that?"
Shock invaded the sincerity in his eyes. "What are you trying to say?"
My shoulders fell in remorse for the best friend I lost. I gave him a sad smile. "Nothing, Nicholas. Nothing."
He studied me for a second, still trying to decipher what I meant. Eventually, he retired and offered me a rich smile. "So, when did you come back?"
"About a few weeks ago." My tone was empty of emotion; I didn't know how to react to his questions and to him without losing my mind before him. I needed to be apathetic.
His head moved away slightly, surely taken aback. "A few weeks? I didn't know."
I sighed. "You never asked."
He stared at me woefully for a moment but eventually whisked the emotion away from my sight. "Are you making friends, at least?"
I let out a faint chuckle. "I don't make friends, Nicholas, not anymore."
For the third time today, he was staring at me with shock, utterly confused as to what I was talking about. "Why not?"
"Because everyone eventually leaves."
He recoiled. "Come on, Iris," he argued vehemently, "not everyone leaves."
My voice broke as I said, "you left."
The loud breath he exhaled showed that I'd caught him off guard. "You know I didn't mean to hurt you."
Tears welled in my eyes before him at his words. "How was I supposed to know anything? You wouldn't even look my way, let alone talk to me. I'm beyond surprised you're even talking to me right now instead of trying to screw anything female that moves."
"Iris," he breathed, sorrow overtaking his tone.
I shook my head. The words kept tumbling out. I couldn't stop now that I have started what I've wanted to do for years. "You left me alone, Nick. You were all I had outside of my parents. You meant everything to me and I thought you considered me as someone important in your life. I never imagined that I was disposable to you."
He scooted closer to where I sat, taking my hands in his. A sharp pain shot through my heart at the contact. His hands were rough, but they were also warm and inviting; they felt safe. "I never meant to hurt you, Iris. I know I still made the decision to leave you, but I promise you, it was something I had to do."
I ripped my hands from his, anger boiling in my blood. "What does that even mean?"
He sighed, intertwining his hands after my rejection. "It means that you were not disposable to me."
In confusion, I looked back up into his eyes. "Then why leave me?"
At the same time, in my peripheral vision, I could see Daisey coming out of the house with two drinks in hand. She strutted towards us with a seductive smile and I knew immediately that the girls were ready.
I shook my head to clear my thoughts and wiped my tears away before Nicholas could muster up an answer to my sensitive question. "You know what, it doesn't even matter anymore. There's someone here for you."
He turned to catch Daisey heading our way. He groaned in response and looked back at me apologetically. "I'm sorry. We can go somewhere else and finish this," he offered. He seemed genuine as if he'd much prefer to go somewhere else to finish our much-needed conversation.
"No, you should talk to her," I said, getting up. I couldn't wreck the plan. Plus, I wasn't sure if I even wanted to have this conversation with him. He left me alone for years; I couldn't invite him back in this easily, perhaps at all.
Before I could go far, though, his hand reached out to stop me. I turned to question him, but he beat me to it. "I'd love it if we could meet tomorrow. I want to explain everything to you. It's been too long and it's enough. We need to talk."
"I don't think-" I started.
"Please?" He was pleading with me through his eyes, giving me that angelic look I could never turn down.
As Daisey came closer and closer, my lips undermined my brain for the second time today and the words slipped out without permission. "Fine, I'll come by your house at noon."
He beamed, a great deal of optimism shining in his eyes. "I'll be waiting for you."
I gave him a heavy sigh before turning to walk away because I realized then and there that I still missed him. I still wanted him. In so many old and new ways, I still wanted him. He could easily become my everything again and that scared the daylights out of me. He still had so much power over my heart, a power I wanted to keep to myself, a power I never wanted to give to any man ever again, especially him. But I could already feel myself slipping and I didn't like it. I needed to take a cold shower as soon as I get home and slap some sense into myself. He made the decision to leave. He has no reason to come back. I have no good reason to allow his return.
As I passed Daisey, she mouthed "Thank you" to me with a nebulous look visible in her features. I gave her a small smile and walked back into the house and out the front door, leaving the party.
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