Beyoncé
3 days later
Come on Beyoncé you can do this. I thought to myself as I finished applying my red lipstick. I finished smoothing down my hair into the slick bun I had it in before staring back at my reflection. If it weren't for the makeup, and the large black hat I had covering half my face, it would be clear just how well I was coping with my child's death.
It's only been three days since Sienna died, but I decided to go ahead and have the funeral. I wanted her to be put to rest as soon as possible, the idea of having her body out in the open, just waiting to be buried, didn't sit well with me. I also wanted to go ahead and get the funeral over with while I was hurting as much as I was, instead of taking a little longer to grieve before planning.
Although I only had three days to get everything together, my mother and sisters helped me tremendously to make sure my baby had the best ceremony possible. In some ways I was rushing this, because I felt like maybe I would start getting better after Sienna was finally at peace, but also because my other selfish reasons. I hated funerals, and I hated them now even more knowing I shouldn't be planning one this soon.
I looked back at my reflection and saw through everything I had used to cover up how I felt on the inside. This makeup was a facade, and it was obvious. I was hurting badly, I was miserable, but I was still trying to be a good mother and daughter and sister. As much as I wanted to hide in bed and cry as I mourned the loss of my child, I knew I couldn't. Even though I haven't had an appetite for days I've still managed to eat here and there, knowing I needed to take care of my body, and the small baby growing inside me.
I honestly didn't know I would handle the birth of another child. I'm already terrified for my babies now, and the thought of bringing another Carter into this world made me nauseous with fear.
I don't know when I started crying, but when I glanced at my reflection for the third time, I looked like I never stopped. My eyes were swollen and red. For once I looked as miserable as I felt.
"Mommy?" I heard, followed by three soft knocks. "Mommy? Are you crying?"
I softened my sobs as I grabbed some tissue from the dispenser and carefully wiped my eyes, not wanting to ruin my makeup anymore. If I did, I would have to redo it for the third time, and I just didn't have the energy.
"Mommy can you open the door?"
I couldn't help but smile at Brooklyn's persistence. I was happy my baby girl was feeling okay, despite the burn marks she had scattered around her body. My mama and I both had an ointment we had to apply to each one everyday to soothe her pain. Thankfully she can walk without hurting too much. Jeremiah has to use crutches and had a similar situation with the ointment, but aside from that he would be okay. He hasn't spoken to me, or anyone at all, much since they came home from the hospital. I haven't wanted to push him to talk either, so I let him be for now. We're all grieving differently.
I took a deep breath and glanced at my reflection in the mirror to make sure I looked semi-okay before opening the door.
"Hi baby girl." I smiled and crouched down so we were at eye level. "I see Auntie Kelly got you all dressed up. You look very pretty."
"Thank you mommy." Brooklyn hugged onto the stuffed bear I bought her from the hospital gift shop while looking me in the eye. "Have you been crying? Your eyes are all red."
I sighed and stretched my hand out to Brooklyn. She grabbed it and I pulled her closer to me before wrapping my arms around her waist. "Yeah baby, mommy's been crying because I'm sad, remember?"
Brooklyn frowned. "Yeah... 'cause Sienna's with the angels now right?" She asked. I bit my lip and nodded my head slowly.
"Yeah, that's right baby." I said, hearing my voice crack. "She's with the angels now."
"So when am I gonna see her again?" Brooklyn asked confused. I closed my eyes briefly before looking back at her. It was difficult to explain death to a three year old in the most innocent way possible. We've had this conversation several times, but something wasn't clicking.
"Baby, we won't be seeing Sienna for awhile okay? I know you miss her, I miss her too, but there's nothing we can do about that." I told her. "You remember the fire, and how you have the bandaids on your legs because of it?"
Brooklyn nodded. "Yes mommy. It was scary."
"I know." I nodded. "You're right, it was very scary. And you know how you were in the hospital for a couple days because you got burned? And because you had too much smoke in your lungs?"
"Yes."
I forced down the sob that was resting in my throat and toyed with one of Brooklyn's loose curls. I had to find something to distract myself, because now every time I saw her, I saw Sienna. It was a simultaneous heaven and hell.
"Well Sienna had the same things wrong with her, except she had too much smoke in her lungs to breathe anymore." I looked up and let out a shaky breath as a few tears fell down my cheeks. I wanted to cry and yell so badly, but I refused to let my grief take over.
"Don't cry mommy." Brooklyn pouted. I kissed the tip of her nose before forcing a weak smile.
"I'm okay baby. Hey, why don't you go show grandma how pretty you look in your dress? I'm sure she wants to see it." I suggested, wanting to avoid breaking down in front of her.
"Are you coming too?" Brooklyn asked.
"I'll be there in a few minutes, okay?"
"Okay." Brooklyn smiled before running off. I watched her go, knowing I would be explaining Sienna's absence once again later on. I was hoping the funeral would provide some closure for her, and maybe give her a better understanding of what happened.
I stood up straight and smoothed out the wrinkles in my dress. My gaze shifted towards the portraits of my babies hanging on the wall, and I felt a sickness in my stomach after looking at Sienna's. I quickly turned around and ran back into the bathroom, falling onto my knees as I threw up the sandwich I had earlier that morning.
I stood up after I was sure I was finished and flushed the toilet. I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with mouthwash before grabbing my lipstick to reapply it. Before I could even begin to touch up my makeup, a wave of sadness washed over me and I collapsed onto the floor, sobbing into my hands. I don't know how long I sat there, but eventually someone else was knocking on the door and my name was being called.
"Mom, it's Bella. Can I come in?" She asked softly.
I shook my head quickly, before remembering she couldn't see me. "No, no– just give me a minute to–"
Before I could finish, Bella gently opened the door and poked her head inside. I was still sitting on the floor, crying, with mascara falling down my face.
"Mom." Bella said sadly. She eyed me sympathetically before sighing and walking further inside. She closed the door behind her and grabbed a roll of tissue from the basket beside the toilet, and my makeup bag from the counter. She sat down next to me with a wad of issue in her hand.
"Look up." She said. I looked up and felt her dabbing underneath my eyes with the tissue. Bella continued for a few more seconds before tossing it aside. "Okay, the streaks are gone at least. You're giving me less 'raccoon' vibes now." She teased.
I chuckled and shook my head. "Thank you baby." I said softly. Bella nodded and smiled a little.
"You're welcome. Here," She handed me my mascara and a hand mirror. "You can touch it up a little."
I nodded before doing as requested and touching up my mascara. I wiped the smudges from underneath my eyes before handing it back to Bella. She then swapped me for my lipstick, and I began to reapply that as well.
"I just wanna let you know, I'm really proud of you mom." Bella said while playing with the zipper on the bag. "I know this is really hard, especially without dad here, because I know y'all are usually each other's rocks. And as angry as I am with him, I hope they're not gone either. Sienna's death is hard enough, I can't imagine losing them too."
I placed the cap on my lipstick before handing it back to Bella. She put it back in the bag before looking back at me. I gently grabbed her chin and wiped away her tears. "I know, baby."
"I can't believe this happened." Bella continued, openly crying now. "I don't know– I just, it's not fair. Sienna only got to be here for three years. Three. I feel so ungrateful, because I feel like I've been taking my life for granted. You just don't realize how precious life is until you lose someone." She looked at me with teary eyes. "Mommy, it hurts."
I sighed and wrapped my arm around Bella's shoulder, pulling her into me. She buried her face in my shoulder and cried, hugging me tightly as if I'd leave her. We haven't had much time to spend together since the fire, with us both grieving and taking care of Jeremiah and Brooklyn. There still hasn't been an update on Jay or Blue, so the reality is I may be planning two more funerals within the month. It's hard, it's definitely the hardest thing I've been through, but I'm managing for the sake of my kids. I would be completely lost right now if it weren't for them.
I kissed the top of Bella's head before humming softly to soothe her. Her sobs were softer but she hadn't stopped crying yet. I continued to rub her back.
"Let it out." I whispered, feeling my own tears spill over. I've cried so much in the past three days it feels odd when I'm not crying. It's a constant overwhelming feeling of sadness that I can't push. I wish Jay was here. I need him so much, now more than ever.
I've always thought Bella's kidnapping would be the lowest point in my life, but this is just as heart wrenching, if not worse. The pain of losing a child is indescribable. It's something you'll never get back. It doesn't matter how many more babies I have, I'll never have another Sienna.
A series of knocks brought both Bella and I back to reality, along with the sound of my mother's voice. "Beyoncé, we need to leave in five minutes baby. The driver is outside waiting." She said through the door.
"Okay mama. I'm coming." I replied. I kissed Bella's cheek before standing up, and then helping her up.
I grabbed a wad of tissues and began wiping Bella's face clean of any mascara marks or smudges lipstick, similar to what she did to me earlier. "We'll be strong for each other, okay?" I said softly, using my thumb to wipe away her tears.
"Okay." She agreed. "I don't think I'm ready for this." She added, looking at me sadly.
"I'll never be ready for this, but it's something we have to do." I told her. "I don't want to bury my child, but I don't have another choice. It's one of those things you just have to face head on instead of avoiding it."
Bella sighed and nodded. "I know. I'm sorry."
"Don't apologize." I smiled softly and kissed the top of her head to avoid leaving a red lip print. "Come on, before your grandma comes yelling at us to hurry."
She chuckled. "She definitely will."
We left the bathroom hand-in-hand and met everyone else outside. We climbed into two separate SUVs before leaving for the funeral home.
*****
Jeremiah
"Jeremiah."
I blinked a few times before looking over at my grandma, who was staring at me. "Honey, have you heard anything I've been saying?" She asked. I shook my head and she sighed. "Your mama said if y'all are wanting to say your goodbyes, y'all should go ahead and do it. She wants to be the last one before they lower the casket."
"Ok." I mumbled. I looked back at the casket and saw Bella and Brooklyn putting flowers on the top. I had zoned out through the entire funeral and burial, so this is the first time I'm actually present. You know?
I waited for them to walk back to their seats before I grabbed my crutches and went up to the casket. I wasn't sure how many people had already gone up, and how many were still waiting to go, but I didn't really care. It wasn't like this was some big event with a guest list, there were literally a handful of people here. My mom, Isabella, Brooklyn, my grandma and Richard, Solange, Julez, Kelly, Angie and Michelle.
I accepted the flower from Kelly on my way up and held it close to my chest. It wasn't until I was standing right beside the casket that I started feeling something for once. These past three days, I've been numb. I guess the pain I'm experiencing is too severe too feel, and when I laid my flower on the casket, I felt the last three days come rushing back.
"I don't even know what to say." I mumbled. My vision got blurry so I knew I was close to crying. I haven't cried since I found out she died, and I really wasn't planning on letting it all out right here in front of everyone. Family or not, I didn't want them seeing me like this. It's not really a masculinity thing, I know men cry, it's more of a pride type of thing.
"I tried my best to save you. I really did." I whispered, running my hands along the cherrywood surface as tears fell down my face. "I tried grabbing both of you. I swear I did. It wasn't supposed to end like this."
Memories of those firefighters pulling me out of the burning house came rushing back and I squeezed my eyes shut. I remember I kept crying and telling them Sienna was still inside, but they wouldn't let me get to her. I was nearly unconscious because of the smoke, but I would've stayed to save her. I guess they knew that, and that's why they forced me out.
"I'm sorry." I said brokenly. "No matter what, I'll always be your older brother. I don't pray a lot, but these past few days I've been praying you're up in heaven right now with my auntie, having tea parties and eating all the junk food imaginable. I pray you're happy and safe at the hands of the Lord. And I hope you'll always love me as much as I loved you." I started crying harder and hung my head. "You deserved more than this shit world could give you."
I felt a hand on my shoulder and looked up quick. I relaxed a little when I saw that it was just my mom. She was crying too, but at this point I was used to seeing her cry. This woman was strong as hell man, and I felt like a complete ass for not letting her know sooner. She's dealing with so much shit right now but she still finds time to make sure we're all okay. She hasn't checked out on us like I thought she would, and I feel like shit for doubting her. Even though I haven't told her, cause I just haven't been talking, I appreciate it.
"Mommy, I'm sorry." I cried, looking back at the casket. "I'm sorry I've been acting like an asshole lately, but I don't know how to deal with this. This pain, it's so overwhelming. It just really fucking hurts."
My mom rubbed my shoulders before rubbing the back of my head and forcing me to look at her. "I know baby boy. I know, and it's okay. This is a learning process for both of us, and we're gonna get through this, alright? It's just going to take some time."
She wiped my tears away and looked me in the eye.
"Okay." I nodded slowly and wiped my eyes. My mom kissed my forehead before hugging me against her. I let my tension melt away and appreciated the feeling of being in her arms. I felt safe.
"We love you so much, Sienna." My mom said softly. I laid my head on her shoulder and let my tears fall freely. There was no point in hiding my pain anymore, everyone was hurting. Though I'd rather be lost in that fire than feel the way I do now.
My mom used the hand that wasn't holding onto me to toss her flower onto Sienna's casket. She wrapped both arms around me and laid her head on mine.
"Rest well, baby girl."
\\\\
And I know you're shining down on me from heaven
Like so many friends we've lost along the way
And I know eventually we'll be together
One sweet day
Picture a little scene from Heaven
*****
Author's Note:
Yeah, that was sad. I know.
But just a little FYI: Jay & Blue's perspective comes back in the next chapter. I just wanted to keep these last two chapters together, because it flowed best that way. Also this chapter is supposed to give some closure to Sienna's death, because the chapters after this will be sort of moving on from that.
Until next time,
xo❤️❤️