It had been several weeks now since the audition and I hadn't heard a thing! But I figured that no news and was good news so I kept it out of my mind as much as I possibly could.
That was easier said than done though, especially if any mention of films, plays, or acting came into a conversation, which living the life I lead was almost pretty damned impossible.
Beth, as predicted had now moved out and Marcus was still hanging onto the hope that Hugo was sorting out another play for him to star in, like he had promised. But at this moment in time, nothing was forthcoming.
So I had ended up paying all the bills and had, as suggested by Marcus, taken on yet more shifts at José's.
Also to make ends meet, I had gone cap in hand to my parents and asked if they could help out financially, for just a little while at least, until we got ourselves sorted.
Of course I knew that my Father would not be happy about this whatsoever! He disapproved about me wishing to follow my dreams into the acting world and saw it as not really being a proper job.
My Mother, on the other hand wholeheartedly supported me both emotionally and now financially.
I promised to pay them back as soon as I possibly could but even I had little or no idea when that was going to be.
With Beth gone I had now moved into her old bedroom. I didn't have a bed though for she had taken hers with her to her new flat, which she shared with fellow actors from the theatre. She had also taken a bedside cabinet and a chest of drawers, so even though I now had my own room, I didn't have any furniture to put in it! Couldn't afford any either!
So I was sleeping on the cushions from off the sofa bed and each night would make a bed up from these. This was not ideal, made worse by the fact that the flat was freezing because we had turned off all the heating to try and save some money.
These were becoming desperate times now, for having a flat in the centre of London, like we had did not come cheap.
I was lucky enough to be able to eat at José's though, and very often he would also send me home with a dish of food for both me and Marcus to share.
He was good like that.
But I knew that we couldn't rely on handouts forever.
Something would have to be done to ease our current financial situation.
And it didn't look like Marcus had any intention in finding another job either.
Sitting on the steps of The National Gallery in Trafalgar square, I was now waiting for my friend Maya, whom I had gotten in touch with after my little spat with Marcus the other week.
If nothing else, he had made me feel incredibly guilty about not seeing her, and knowing how vulnerable she could be, I thought it was only right and proper that I got back in touch with her.
I liked Maya. She was smart and intelligent but also quiet and reserved. She didn't judge anyone and she was particularly loyal towards me.
I hugged at my knees tightly as I watched the crowds. I loved people watching. People were so interesting, going about their own day to day activities whether they were visiting the city, going to work or meeting a friend like I was.
Spotting Maya, I got to my feet and bounded towards her to give her a full on embrace. Maya was taken by surprise at my exuberance towards her and stepped back in surprise.
"Oh.......hello Gwen". She said, cautiously.
"It's so good to see you". I beamed, realising that I was a bit too full on for this somewhat quiet soul, and swiftly withdrew my hug.
She, gently rubbed at my arm.
"You as well". She smiled.
I looked at her and grinned in return.
"Shall we go for a coffee somewhere?". I asked.
Maya looked down, shoving her hands deep into the pockets of her oversized parka jacket and it was then that I noticed that she seemed to have lost quite a lot of weight. But before I could comment on it, Maya was now leaning herself towards me and was speaking so quietly I could hardly hear her.
"Would you mind if we don't". She said.
"Um..?". I frowned.
"I, er.....don't really do people in confined places....you know.....I'd rather stay here and talk to you........if you don't mind". She explained.
I grabbed hold of her arm affectionately and began to lead her to one of the nearby fountains.
"Of course I don't mind, it's just great to see you wherever". I grinned.
Maya let me take her towards the fountain where we then pushed ourselves up onto the edge of it and sat there swinging our legs together in unison and laughing with one another.
This felt really great and I was so glad of her company.
We chatted for awhile about this and that before she told me she was now working for her cousin in a florist shop.
"Why doesn't that surprise me". I smiled at her.
"How do you mean!". Maya asked.
"Well, you in a flower shop". I grinned, "It sort of suits your personality".
She looked down.
" Oh, you mean, quiet and frail". She mumbled.
" No, not at all". I said quickly, "I meant beautiful and gentle".
Maya looked up.
"It's only until another play comes along, you understand. I mean, I have to get some money from somewhere". She went on as if defending her decision to work in a shop.
"Oh, don't I know it". I sighed. "Flaming Hugo put a stop to Marcus working. He had a perfectly good job in a nice bar on the south bank, then Hugo comes along and all but tells Marcus to stop working there. Of course it now means that I have to work extra hours to pay all the bills seeing that Beth as now gone".
Maya stared at me, her mouth dropping open at my immense frustration of it all.
"Of course Marcus denies that Hugo had anything to do with his resignation, but I know Hugo only too well". I went on. "It's a bit of a struggle I can tell you, Don't suppose you'd like to move in with us?". I laughed.
Maya blushed, then shook her head fervently.
" No, can't say I blame you really". I continued to laugh, as I noticed that Maya was wringing her hands rather nervously, like I'd seen her do this once before so I watched her for a second, then quickly put a hand over the top of hers in order to calm her.
She looked up at me.
"Just a nerve thing". She shrugged, then took a deep breath.
"Have you seen Hugo then?". She asked, somewhat hopefully.
" No". I answered, "Not in ages".
Maya put her head down and I could see that she was disappointed.
Maybe the florists wasn't her thing after all and she, like the rest of us were itching to get back onto that stage again.
So I thought I'd offer her a little glimmer of hope.
"Well.........actually.......rumour has it that Hugo is in the process of putting another play together". I said quietly.
Maya raised her head up, her eyes glistened excitedly and a big grin adorned her face.
It had worked.
This was the happiest I had seen Maya look since we had met this afternoon.
" Really Gwen?". She asked.
I nodded my head.
"Well, he can't keep us all unemployed forever.......we are actors after all!". I announced, pleased that I had, at least given Maya some hope.
"Oh I can't wait to be able to see Hugo again". She beamed.
I narrowed my eyes at her as she then gave a little cough.
"And of course everyone else as well". She went on.
I nodded in agreement.
" Yes it would be nice". I said quietly.
I then leaned back slightly and drew in a large, deep breath.
If this film thing did come off, would I , in fact be able to do the play?
Glancing over at Maya I noticed that she was smiling to herself and had now stopped with the hand wringing thing.
She looked happy with the thought of us all getting back together again for another play, so I probably owed it to her to let her know that I may not be able to actually take part in it.
Maybe I had kept this virgining film career secret for far too long now.
Perhaps I should start letting people in on my plans?
I mean, it wasn't as if Alan Rickman was directing it or anything like that.
As fas I could tell, he was just pointing me in the right direction.
He'd probably seen the script and decided to help out in getting, who he thought may be suitable for it.
Maybe that's what he does. They are, after all such a clickey lot these film actors.
And just because he had put me forward, didn't actually mean that I had totally forgiven him for the way in which he had made me feel during A Secret Smile.
Everyone at the theatre would surly understand that.
They knew how much I disliked him, so really I didn't need to save face at all.
He had just suggested the part to me and I went along for the audition, and that was it.
There was little need to tell anyone that we had shared a cup of tea and a Danish Pastry together or that he had been to see me at José's or the fact that I had been escorted to the actual audition by his personal driver!
No, there was no need for me to mention any of this to anyone at all.
So that was it, I was going to start telling people now and I was going to start off by telling Maya.
I turned to face her, only to see her smiling broadly at me which took me a little by surprise.
"You were just thinking about him weren't you?". She asked knowingly.
" What?". I asked, staring at her in bewilderment.
"The man who's taken your heart". She continued to smile.
I frowned at her.
"I can tell by you, you're deeply in love with him but you don't know what to do about it" Maya went on
"I....I.....don't know what you're talking about. There is no one". I protested, as I felt my face suddenly flush.
Maya shook her head at me.
"You may be trying to deny it to yourself, but there is absolutely little point in trying to hide it from me. I can tell. I think you are trying to fight it for some reason. But it's there, all the time and you cannot stop thinking about him". She said.
I looked down and noticed it was now my turn to wring at my hands. Not as violently as Maya had done but I was doing it all the same.
She placed one of hers on top of mine like I had done just a few minutes ago to her.
"What is it with him? Because there's definitely something. I can tell". She stated kindly, "Is he married? Already in a relationship? Does he even know about your feelings for him?".
I stared at her, my heart was pounding so hard in my chest I thought it would surely burst right through it.
"I.....I don't know". I answered weakly.
"Don't know, to which one?". Maya asked.
I swallowed hard.
"All of them". I replied with an extremely dry mouth. "I.....I ..really don't know anything. I don't even know if I actually like him very much at all, but......for some strange and unexplained reason.......I... I just can't seem to get him out of my head. It's quite impossible".
I felt her arm now folding itself around my shoulders as Maya herself took in the deepest of breaths.
"It is a pain sadly, that both you and I have to suffer this. But for the moment, at least we can only hope that neither of us will have to be tortured by it for too much longer aye?".
I nodded my head in recognition of her words wondering whether or not she realised just who I had been referring to but leaving me in no doubt whatsoever, about who her heart now actually belonged to.
When I finally got back to the flat, later on I felt as if a ton weight had been lifted from off my shoulders.
Admitting what I had been harbouring inside of me for such a long time, had actually done me the world of good. So much so, in fact that I had decided to take back with me a takeaway as a really special treat.
I could hardly afford it, but tonight I thought what the heck, let's just do it!
Marcus was sat watching something on the television as I walked in and turned around immediately on hearing the rustle of a carrier bag and the delicious aroma of hot food.
"Come on, get some plates out, I'm starving!". I announced plonking the bag onto the kitchen work surface as I struggled to quickly discard myself from my coat.
Marcus was on his feet in an instant with a large grin adorning his handsome face.
"What's all this then?" He beamed, trying to peek inside the bag.
I playfully slapped his hand away.
"Just get the plates will you". I smiled as I then began to pull off my boots.
Marcus retrieved the plates from the cupboard and leaned on the work surface, intently watching as I dolled out the various dishes.
"We eat like kings tonight!". He suddenly announced.
I looked under my eyes at him, then warned:
"And tomorrow........we starve".
Marcus stared at me seriously for a moment, before I added:
" Therefore tonight! Let us feast!". I said in a very theatrical manner, before lowering my voice somewhat and saying:
"And we'll worry about tomorrow when it comes".
Marcus smiled at me.
"This is a treat indeed. What an honour it is that's bestowed upon me, a humble servant to deserve such fine dining!". He then added, carrying on with the theatrical theme.
I shook my head.
But Marcus was now gesturing with his hands for me to carry on with this banter.
So I took in a breath, as I still continued to do the serving of the food.
"Um......Tis must be the love of a fair maiden for I have heard she as love of rare beauty. It's from a compassionate woman, who adores the ground upon where he stands".
Marcus was thoughtful for a moment.
" Then let us thank the pretty maiden fair, for her love is bountiful and strong. Although I fear she's in love with another.............so I will not stand in the way of true love and the path she wishes to follow"
I stared at him in wonder of those beautiful words.
It really took me aback and quite shocked me.
To be honest, I was speaking about Maya. Marcus knew that I was meeting her today and I thought he might of guessed what I was really going on about.
But instead, he must have thought that I had been talking about myself.
"Come along now Marcus". I said, pushing a heaped plate towards him, "Enough talk now, let's eat".
He grabbed at the plate eagerly and gave me a grateful smile and then fork in hand he went back to the sofa.
"What are you watching?". I asked, sitting down with my plate beside him.
"Oh, just some film". He answered, taking a large mouthful, "How was Maya by the way..........eager to start work on another play was she?".
"Yes.....yes she was". I answered.
Marcus nodded his head knowingly.
" Thought as much". He went on.
"How do you know?". I asked, my attention somewhat taken momentarily by the film on the t.v.
"Oh, just something Hugo said about her ringing him up or texting him all the while about when we're starting a new play. You know it was getting so bad at one point, he was thinking of putting a block on her". Marcus explained.
I stared at him, my attention now fully on him.
"I can't believe that". I said, shaking my head, "Maya's not a bit like that! She's so quiet and really shy".
"Not according to Hugo". Marcus shrugged.
"I don't understand this at all. Are you sure it was Maya he was talking about?". I asked, glancing back at the t.v. for a moment.
"Yes....I'm quite sure. I mean, how many Maya Kemple's do you know?". He asked.
"Its just............". But once again I became distracted by the television and looked at it again.
"What did you say this was?". I asked, frowning at the screen before me.
"I didn't". Marcus answered, "I just switched it on and it was this film, didn't really notice what it was".
I stared at the screen.
That voice was so unmistakable, I'd know it anywhere, but it just didn't look like him.
I mean, black, wavy, unruly hair and an even blacker beard.
But the voice.
That voice.
"Isn't that Alan?". I suddenly blurted out, as he appeared on the screen again, this time brandishing a rather large, very shiny sword.
" What?". Marcus spluttered, looking up.
"Oh my god it is!". I exclaimed, rather too excitedly. "That's Alan Rickman.........Oh my goodness......he looks so different"
"Oh my word.........so it is...... well spotted Gwen". Marcus smiled.
"Well I'd know that voice anywhere". I said, congratulating myself somewhat at my recognition of a much younger Alan Rickman from the one we both knew now.
"I'm not surprised you recognised his voice Gwen". Marcus smiled, pointing his fork at the screen, "I mean he's doing one heck of a lot of shouting on there isn't he?".
I began to smile, knowing that his statement was very true.
He didn't really know that I had actually seen a different side to Alan lately, rather than the one who seemed to be always raising his voice at me!
"What is this film anyway". I said, reaching over for the remote and pressing the button.
Aiming it at the screen the search banner came up with,
Robin Hood. Prince of Thieves.
" Oh.......I remember something about this. Didn't Alan get some kind of an award for his role, like a BAFTA or an EMMY or something". Marcus said, suddenly leaning forward to get a better look at the actor on the screen.
"Did he?". I asked, surprised.
" Yeah, yeah.........Everyone was going on about Kevin Costner this and Kevin Costner that, you know, coz he was THE big movie star at the time and it was Alan who walked off with an award and Costner got nothing! Hilarious really when you think that Alan wasn't at all well known when he did this"
Marcus explained.
I stared at the screen.
Alan, indeed looked so very different, but his presence on screen was truly captivating.
" Ahh......such a good actor". Marcus grinned, "I feel so privileged to say I have actually met and worked with him".
He then glanced over at me.
"But I don't expect you to feel the same way". He went on. "You positively hated him didn't you?..........which is quite sad really. He wasn't that bad you know, but I won't subject you to sit here and watch someone that you truly detest".
He then leaned over to pick up the remote and change over channels.
" No don't do that". I said, quickly.
Marcus stared at me for a moment and I realised that I was a bit too quick in trying to stop him.
I bit at my lip.
"Its just that..........well I really don't mind........you know.......seeing him act. He is quite good........its just.........well....we just sort of clashed really. I thought I knew best and he thought he knew best......it would have been simpler if we had just listened to one another". I shrugged.
Marcus replaced the remote and carried on eating.
I continued to look at him.
"So?". I asked, suddenly, "You think my heart belongs to another?".
I was actually going back to his earlier statement, when we were fooling around with our theatrical banter whilst I was serving up.
Marcus nodded his head, then said:
"Pretty obvious really. You've been mooning around ever since he left".
My heart unexpectedly skipped a beat and I felt my face flush with embarrassment.
Marcus was quick to notice.
"See?, you're blushing at the mere mention of him".
I swallowed hard.
He surely didn't mean Alan? We had just been having a conversation about how much I disliked him, although I felt certain that's who Maya had been referring to earlier, I was sure of it, so I just presumed that Marcus would think the same. I mean, Jayne did and so too did Alfie and countless others from the theatre no doubt.
Although they had absolutely no grounds in which to support that theory whatsoever!
"I....I....don't know who you mean". I said my voice sounding as if someone had grasped my throat tightly.
Marcus started to laugh.
"Ahh........Got so many of them have you?".
I shook my head violently at him.
"No, no of course not". I said.
Marcus leaned back in his seat, a satisfied smile swept across his face.
"Yeah, you're right there's only one man whose ever stolen your heart".
I held my breath, waiting for the name to leave his lips.
If he was going to say, who I thought he was, what on earth should my response be?
Totally deny it and leave the room?
Tell him not to be so absurd and change the subject or do I just damn well admit it and cover it up with laughter.
Whatever I did though, knowing Marcus like I do, he would never be able to just leave it alone.
He would go on and on at every opportunity. Not because he was especially vindictive and cruel, it would be to take the emphasis off his own relationship problems and lord knows he had many of those.
But then, as he spoke the name I could hardly believe what I had just heard and almost choked in surprised shock at the mention of it.
"What?". I almost screamed at him, daring him to repeat it as I was so damn sure that I hadn't really heard him correctly.
"Ashcroft Jennings". Said Marcus triumphantly repeating the name louder this time
I stared at him in shock unable to believe the name he had just said, twice!
"Don't even try to deny it Gwen darling, you were madly in love with him.........weren't you?........still are in fact". Marcus grinned.
I took in a shallow breath, feeling my chest constricting itself against me as I tried to calm myself.
This was a name that I hadn't heard in such a long time, yet just over a year ago it was the name that was forever in my thoughts.
" That's ancient history". I managed to murmer.
"Maybe now, but if he was to walk back into your life at this very moment, I bet you would run headlong into his arms regardless of the way he treated you". Marcus cautioned.
I glared at him.
"He didn't do anything wrong". I corrected him.
Marcus shook his head in dismay and I somehow knew what would be was coming next.
"Well if not telling anybody he was engaged to be married, whilst giving the impression that he wanted to be with you is not wrong...........I don't know what is!".
I gave a deep sigh.
I just knew he'd have to remind me of that little fact.
I mean, the pain of it all was still raw, the wound inside still hurt.
It hurt like hell.
How I was still able to work at Jose's after Ashcroft had left, I had no idea.
For I would never, ever be able to live that one down and it hurt like crazy.
I swallowed hard.
"We all make mistakes". I said quietly.
"Yeah, and he made the biggest.". Marcus scoffed. "Such an idiot wasn't he? Leading my little friend up the garden path like that, only to leave her distraught over you, whilst swanning off abroad with your model girlfriend, I mean.....what on earth was he playing at?. He had an underwear model as a fiancé for gods sake!"
"I know........don't rub it in". I sighed at the recollection of it all.
Marcus then put a comforting hand on my knee and smiled.
"I wasn't trying to upset you". He said, "But I told you all along he was wrong for you. Such big headedness about him. Never could understand what you saw in him".
I looked down, my memory flashing back to how I had felt whenever I saw him and how he used to make me laugh.
"He had some good qualities". I said quietly and almost to myself.
"He was nice looking....I grant you that......but there was something very mysterious about him, you couldn't really trust him. Turns out I was right". Marcus nodded.
"Maybe.........but he wasn't all that bad......I mean he did sort of like me.....I suppose". I said, trying to make the facts sound not as bad as Marcus was making them out to be.
He shook his head.
"Come now Gwen, if he'd really liked you, wouldn't he have told you right from the start that he was in a relationship?". Marcus pointed out.
I shrugged my shoulders.
Ashcroft and I had shared so much together, our hopes and dreams, our ambitions and goals in life. We got on so very well, I had thought. But even I was stumped at why he hadn't mentioned anything about Ami Andrews his model girlfriend.
Once again I sighed out loud.
It would have been so easy for me to start with the tears now, Lord knows I've shed so many over him in the past.
Tears that he would have known nothing at all about.
Tears shed over somebody who didn't have the courage to explain way they had kept such an important part of their life secret from me.
Tears that were wasted on someone who hadn't bothered to even say goodbye.