It's been a week since of the man handling incident with the paparazzi's which have been blowing up on every social media possible. It was comforting that Reid had paused the tour to get Lauren's wellbeing in place before money or the fans.
The fans were definitely supportive over the break since the girls had given their sincerest apologies individually. To have fans undying words of 'get well soon' to 'have more bodyguards' were the commonalities of each devoted person to Fifth Harmony and of course their thanks to both Xander and I for their protection.
There were even headlines of me where the phrases were easily manipulated in ways to get people to read their articles of the fateful night of putting paparazzi's in their place for their inhumane deeds with the harassment of a famous icon. Words still twisted in ways to keep their readers enticed but the truth was still present of what happened that night as they bash on those specific pitiless man that took photos of Lauren instead of helping her like any other human.
"Ryder can you go wake her up? It's about time to eat breakfast." Ally asked as she shook me from my dreamily staring into the night that I will never forget.
I took the plate of food and a bottle of water from Ally and walked over to the next room which Lauren had sheltered off. Those doors were to be closed at all times for her own command as she barely comes out of her room to properly feed herself. It was a traumatic night for her and as of now, it seemed that I was her only hope of keeping her sane in the four walled room.
It was never easy to stand in front of the door and to wait for a granted entry as times she would not want any company or food. I wished what would come of her sanity if she was to be stuck in that room for any longer.
I knocked on the door twice and sought out for the only two words she had spoken after that night.
"Come in." I braced myself with a breath and turned the handle to find Lauren out of bed.
She was always in bed and for the first time this week, she finally had gotten out. Though from the lack of use of her legs, Lauren's legs began to buckle. I ran to her side and luckily falling right into my arms.
"Lauren as much as I like you to be in my arms, you've got to be wary that the muscles in your legs will be weak since you've been in bed for the past week." Lauren snorted at my words but had nothing to say back.
I lead her to the bed and let her legs hand over the side so the blood could flow in its natural body system. Passing the plate of food and water to Lauren, I dragged a chair beside her to make sure she had eaten everything of that plate. Even if she hated to eat anything on that plate that had a high nutrition value.
The room was in peace quiet besides the small sounds of Lauren's chewing. My eyes rested onto her face where you could tell that she wasn't getting the right amount of sleep and that her eyes were slightly fading of the little golden spark she'd have in the corner of her eye. Her lips chapped of as to the knots in her black hair that use to be tamed.
However I still found the lady enticing, no matter of her slight change of appearance.
"Why made you decide to get out of bed today Lauren?" I softly spoke, not wanting or needing her to turn away from me.
Generally I'd get no answer from Lauren as she'd push the empty plate to my hands then turn away from my face as she'd lie on her side but this time was different. Her mouth opened up to only close once more as she did it multiple of times but eventually her lips quivered with glossy eyes.
"O-oh Lauren, I didn't mean to make you cry. I'm sorry." I blurted instantly in guilt of bringing her to tears. I face the ground, not wanting to face her as I brought sorrow.
"Why?" Lauren rasped out. My head flicked to her direction instantly as it was more than a simple 'come in' I've heard from her mouth. "Why are you so kind to me? I don't deserve you nor the girls. I've pushed all the girls and even my family who have tried to speak with me and they lost their patience. Why haven't you?"
Tears escaping as I dried them with my fingertips. I put the plate beside her and bend my knees with my hands in hers.
"When you live with a sibling like Blue Ivy, you'd be forced to learn patience. The girls and your family only want to the best for you and how you are going. Sure they've lost patience but that doesn't mean they don't love you anymore. They all ask me of you and I'd give them my answers." Lauren's sobs were lessening as I rubbed her hands in comfort as a small smile had formed.
"As to why I'm so kind to you is- well how should I put it? Call it being human. Why shouldn't I care for you? You're a beautiful person Lauren, inside and out. You're porcelain like skin is so captivating as of your forest green eyes that I like very much. As of your mind, seeking what is righteous for ourselves and those around us."
Lauren sighed and I could just head from that sigh that she didn't believe those words. It broke my heart to know that she isn't confident in herself.
"Lauren look at me." She hesitantly looked in me in the eye and they grew wide. "It hurts to see you like this. I mean everyone is hurt but I can't help but be at fault. If only I had taken you to my side when it happened then m-maybe you wouldn't be s-so broken."
"Don't Ryder. Don't blame yourself. It was those pap-"
"My entire body and soul knows that it was my fault! I could have done something to prevent this!" I yelled as I broke away from Lauren and took a few paces away from Lauren. I wiped my cheeks and cleared my throat. "It's my fault."
My entire body stiffened as hands wrapped around my torso and a head leaned where my neck and shoulder met. I soon relax under Lauren's arms and turn around to meet her eyes that looked more lively than a few minutes ago.
"It is not your fault. You saved me by pushing through a crowd of people with blinding flashes. You didn't care about reputation or what the next headline tabloid would say at the time when you brought paparazzi's to the ground. Remember you saved me from that man who put his hand on me. So don't you dare say it was your fault because it wasn't."
I gave one nod and she detached her arms from me, wishing that I could have them around me again.
"So will I be leaving this room with a plate in hand?" I say as I walk over to the bed with the plate, "Or will I also have an amazing lady by my side?"
Lauren giggled as I extended the hand out to her and to my surprise, she interlaced our fingers like it was the last jigsaw piece to the a thousand piece puzzle. Then it struck me, I wanted to be with Lauren from this day forth but she knows nothing about my secret and neither does Dinah or Normani. It's been more than a month since I've met all the girls, they all sharing themselves to me as of I keeping my myself away from them.
I had to get Lauren to open the door so we could get in the next room to surprise our friends. I was glad Lauren had finally decided to get out of the room but now I had to devise a way to tell the three ladies of my secret and hopefully get the girl that I was holding hands with will be accept a date in the near future.
"Coming!" We both heard a voice, most likely being Normani's because Dinah would be for sure sleeping and it wasn't Ally's voice either.
When the door opened, it didn't take long for Normani to embrace the raven haired girl beside me. Normani mouthed a thank you with the biggest smile on her face. I eyed her to tell us to get inside so she let go of Lauren so we were able to come inside. Still with Lauren in hand, I took her to the sound of more cooking from the kitchen to surprise her.
Yet what I saw was more surprising than anything was Zendaya and Ally kissing. Ally on the counter with their lips battling with Zendaya's.
I guess a lot can happen in a week and in that week, looks like my best friend was achieving her soon-to-be girlfriend. I hope Ally knows what she is getting herself into.
"Dios mio Allysin, you know better not to do such unholy things in the kitchen." Lauren giggled, making the couple whip their heads to us.
"Lauren!" Ally jumped off the counter, nearly losing her balance but Zendaya was fast enough to catch her and ran to her band mate.
I let the two speak for a while as I go to the stove and cook the rest of the scrambled eggs and bacon. Zendaya was smirking at me as was I in the corner on my eyes.
"So you and Ally a thing now?" I plated the cooked food on separate plates. "Were you ever going to tell me?"
"I would tell you but don't think I overlooked you and the Jauregui over there. Care to explain that?" I rolled my eyes but with a smile which I rarely do to Zendaya.
"I would tell you but I asked the question first." I stuck my tongue out as I repeated her words back to her. She clicked her tongue and pulled me to a choke hold, ruffling my hair with her dominant hand.
"Zenni leave Ryder alone." Ally sternly said. Zendaya released me from her crushing arm as I rubbed my neck in the slight pain. I moved my head to the side till I felt the sensation of my bones being released from strain.
"Zenni huh?" I poked Ally's side in a playful manner but then pull her in my arms to speak in her ear. "Ally, I know you are the nicest person in the world so treat Daya with all of your heart. If I hear anything problematic happen due to your cause, I won't hold myself back. We clear with that?"
"O-of course. I will never intentionally do that to her." I pulled back with a smile and patted her shoulder that the tough best friend I was playing for Zendaya was over.
Normani joined us in the kitchen as she laughed at poor Ally who was now slightly afraid of me. I don't want to come across mean but I need to send the right message to her if there were to be any harms way to Zendaya. It was only till we all turned to the groggy Polynesian that was still in her pyjamas or more so in someone else's shirt.
"Wow with the years we have spent together, I have never seen Dinah so tired in my life." Dinah's eyes opened to Lauren's voice and was quick to be woken away from any tiredness left in her body. "What did I miss?"
"Oh I stayed up late watching movies." Dinah shrugged her shoulders and poured some water into a cup to drink. "I didn't get much sleep."
"So do the movies that you watch have characters that scream out their lungs of commands that would most certain get people to believe someone died?" A spray of water flew to the side with everyone in the room laughing. "Hey don't laugh now Manibear, it takes two to play in that part that so called 'movie spree' you had last night."
Now it was Normani's turn to go red with Dinah wrapping her arms around her.
"Well I can now say that this week has been an interesting one." Agreeing to Lauren, we all went to the lounge room to discuss further things until there was a knock on the door.
Lauren immediately froze and I did everything to calm her down but nothing was working.
"Lauren look at me!" I pulled her head to force her look away from the door to my eyes. "I want you to breathe in deep breaths while I go see who is at the door okay?"
She shakily shook her head and gripped on my arm with enough strength for a bruise to swell overnight.
"Dinah can you look from the hole who is at the door?" I sighed and looked at Dinah for some help.
Dinah whispered something in Normani's ear which resulted in letting her go to the door. The anticipation of Dinah telling me who was at the door frightened me largely to an extent when I remembered that Xander was going to swing by to check up on us. So there was that possibility.
"It's Xander and another bodyguard next to him, why are they here? Aren't they meant to be guarding outside?" Dinah turned to us in confusion.
"I was told about Xander swinging by to check on us but I don't know about the other. Let me go talk to them okay?" I got up but Lauren's grip ceased to loosen making me hiss at the now really reddened area on my forearm.
Lauren was quick to realise and had pushed herself away from me, almost in tears in seeing what she had done. I cradled her side for a bit to quieten down.
"Hey it's okay. You were afraid so it's alright Lauren." Lauren reluctantly wiped her eyes dry and freed me to the doors. "Girls I'll be right outside the door."
I look at the girls with certainty and did my best to open and close the door behind me to keep the girls safe. My eyes meet two bodyguards of one I know of and the other I did not.
"Ryder this is Ethan, Ethan this is Ryder." Xander pointed between us as he introduced the new face. "He will be accompanying us as we need more safety for the girls and you. I hope you'd be okay with it."
Xander was slightly bowing his head and with that Ethan had copied his actions making me chuckle. Ethan was clearly not very experienced but I could tell that his body was built well so I had nothing to worry if he wasn't able to hold paparazzies or fans off from the girls.
"I am fine with it, as long as the girls are too after all it's not me who can say the final decision." I say and open the door to let them both inside.
When I let the men inside after me, the girls sighed in relief and they all moved to one side of the lounge room so I could introduce Ethan to the rest. Though I can say that I wasn't very fond of how he was looking at Lauren but I had to get this introduction over with.
"Girls this is Ethan. He'll be working beside Xander as our bodyguard. Ethan these are the girls, Normani, Dinah, Ally, Zendaya and Lauren." He hummed and gave his little introduction with a nod at the girls.
Ethan still continued to stare at Lauren, giving these flirtatious looks which made her rather red in the cheeks. I don't know whether it was visible that I was fuming in such raging jealously but I had to remember that we needed him to keep us all safe. To keep Lauren safe. I collected myself and cleared my throat to get the men's attention.
"So was that all you wanted to speak about Xander? I'd like to go somewhere." I clenched my fist that was behind my back as I saw Ethan and Lauren talking amongst themselves. I had no right to be so angry but to see her smile and talk easily for him made me feel so broken inside. It took a solid week to get her to see more than just a blank face, let alone speak more than 'come in'.
"That is all I wanted to discuss. I will accompany you to wherever you are goin-"
"No. I will go alone." I spat rather too harshly at Xander which I cringed when I was getting confused faces from everyone except Lauren and Ethan who were too busy in their own world. "I won't know when I'll be back so don't bother till I come back."
I didn't care that Zendaya or Xander was calling for me as I stormed out of the room and ran in the corridor to my room. I opened the door to my room and ran to my bags to change into a more suited attire for the gym and brought my necessities before leaving to go let off some steam. I had to put on my hoodie to not let the bodyguards outside to recognise me as I could visibly see that someone was talking to them in their ear pieces.
Then I bolted off to a far corner that I was out of sight from those bodyguards who were running around like headless chickens. I wasn't the type of get angry but I felt like crying wasn't going to help me any better so I might as well use this pent up feelings into exercising. So I took out my phone and searched for the nearest gym there was and luckily there was one down the road.
When I was still trying to hide myself, I could see from afar that some bodyguards had left the apartment building and I guess it was to find me. I am aware that I was worrying them but I needed to be left alone. Then of course my phone goes off crazy with names that I was in the room with but Lauren's. I scoffed and put my phone on do not disturb before going inside the gym.
"Hi how much would I need to pay to use the gym?" I asked the man at the desk who hadn't noticed my presence.
"I-is this your first visit?" He jumped up straight in his seat, not wanting to keep eye contact with me for long.
"Yes it is." He types something on the computer and a receipt was printed out.
"There is no pay of the first visit. Take the docket just in case if any of the workers ask to see one." I take the piece of paper and thank him before going straight to the punching bags.
Luckily the punching bags were in a secluded room so it won't draw any attention to me with some local people working out. I placed the receipt under my phone and towel before putting on my Bluetooth earphones to hopefully drown out the noise of a man yelling as he deadlifted four hundred and fifty kilograms.
I saw that there was some boxing gloves and tape in the corner of the room which I took both as I was planning to use the tape after I had punched a few times with the gloves. Tightening the velcro on the gloves, I moved the thirty kilogram punching bag in front of me and began blowing punches like Xander had once taught me, each position on the bag as if it was the body of your opponent. Ruthlessly imagining Ethan as the punching bag, I struck a left hook, right hook to the head and two hard jabs to the chest would bring him down to his knees.
I had never imagined someone to be a punching bag before. Xander said to never do that yet I wished it to be Ethan in front of me. All I saw in front of me was a that face with a huge smirk on his face.
Bang
Lauren is interested in Ethan.
Bang bang
Ethan makes her laugh and talk so easily like she hadn't refrained herself for a week.
Bang bang bang
She didn't even know I left the room.
Bang bang
She didn't even call to know where I was.
Bang
Why should I be sad or mad?
Bang bang bang
She's not with me. I don't have any right to stop her if she likes him.
Bang Bang
But I'm not him.
I fell to my knees and broke out the mess of my mind had swallowed me in. I took off the gloves and threw them to the side. I scanned up to the punching bag and I still saw Ethan. I ripped off my earphones and felt like I needed to feel something else but sadness and anger. I took the tape and wrapped it around my wrist, then thumb and my knuckles before having the firm fist that was begging to strike the bag once again.
So I punched the bag with everything I had in me.
Bang
She won't ever like me.
Bang bang
I can't even offer her protection.
Bang bang bang bang
At least Ethan can.
Bang
I kicked the bag and the punching bag fell off from the chains. Well damn, I better pay for that. I actually feel bad for the punching bag.
I took the initiative to move the punching bag to the wall so it wasn't just on its side in the middle of the room. I patted my hand as the dust that was on my sweaty hands to feel a stinging pain on my knuckles. I instantly unwrap my wrist and see that my middle knuckles were gashing with blood. Not a lot of blood but still enough to stain the tape. I cursed under my breath and leaned against the wall to take a breath for my lungs, panting from all the movement.
I dropped to the floor and wiped all the sweat off my face and neck. I stared at my phone, contemplating if I should check my messages I got from earlier but I decided not to do it. I just wanted to be at peace with myself for a while longer before I would get scolded from many people.
Worrying someone was something I didn't want but it came with me running off like a little child who was told no for the first time. I would even say that I acted more childish that Blue and her tantrums are pretty bad.
I finally decided to check my phone which nearly two hours had passed rather fast when the time had caught my eye before the number of missed calls and messages. As I read the messages I shuddered from the terror I would face when I got back. Now I didn't want to go back.
[10:40am] Manibear: Ryder what happened?
[10:40am] Manibear: Are you okay?
[10:40am] Manibear: Ryder come back or at least tell me where you went
[10:40am] Allyboo: Y/N where are you?
[10:40am] Allyboo: Why did you leave so suddenly?
[10:40am] Allyboo: Come back. We all are worried about you
[10:40am] Didi: Gurl why did you storm out?
[10:40am] Didi: Can you come back to the room?
[10:40am] Didi: We checked your room but you aren't there. Where are you?
[10:40am] AhhhBenZenDayaaa: Y/N RYDER KNOWLES CARTER WHERE IN THE WORLD ARE YOU?!
[10:40am] AhhhBenZenDayaaa: I swear it if you don't message me where you are I will leak your photo of when you passed out half naked!
[10:40am] AhhhBenZenDayaaa: Come on Y/N/N just message me back
[10:40am] AhhhBenZenDayaaa: I'm not going to leave you alone till you reply
[10:50am] AhhhBenZenDayaaa: Y/N/N talk to me!
[11:00am] AhhhBenZenDayaaa: Just tell me where you went
[11:10am] AhhhBenZenDayaaa: I'm here to listen Y/N/N
[11:20am] AhhhBenZenDayaaa: Whatever it is, don't keep it in yourself
[11:30am] AhhhBenZenDayaaa: Can you at least read your messages instead of ignoring them?
[11:30am] AhhhBenZenDayaaa: I don't know where you are but it's almost lunch time so hurry back or at least eat so you won't faint
[11:40am] AhhhBenZenDayaaa: I'm wasn't kidding with the photo. If you don't reply, I will post it
[11:50am] AhhhBenZenDayaaa: God Y/N, where and what are you doing?
[12:00pm] AhhhBenZenDayaaa: Please be safe otherwise I'm coming for your head
That was the last message I got from Zendaya or rather the last person who tried reaching out. I sighed and felt terrible scaring the girls and it was more emotions that got the best of me. I mean Lauren didn't even message me within the hours I've been gone but I think that was best since I was the last thing she needed to worry about after the incident.
It was about time to go back to my room to take a shower so I retrieved my belongings and went wanted to talk to the guy at the front desk to pay for the damage of the punching bag and the tape but then I saw it was one of the bodyguards that was in front of the apartment speaking to the man.
I put on my hoodie and swiftly exited the doors to escape from being seen. Jogging back to the hotel, I surprisingly slipped past the other bodyguard and got inside the apartment to finally wash off all the sweat off my body.
When I had the water running down my arms, I hissed as I had forgotten about my knuckles so I had to bite my lip and endured the pain so I could wash up properly. After I was smelling more tolerable, I turned off the water and then heard the door open.
I froze not knowing who had opened the door to my room but I wasn't exactly prepared to confront the person naked. I threw on my undergarments and shorts before slightly moving the door to take a peak and a pair of eyes were looking straight at me, making me yell.
"GOD DAMN IT!" I placed my hand over my rapid beating heart and ran my hands through my hair. "You scared the living out of me!"
"I'm sorry Ryder. I didn't mean it." Lauren timidly spoke, looking at me then lower to only advert away.
I ignored that Lauren had seen me in a sports bra and went to my bag to get out a white shirt, a red checkered shirt, jeans and the Timberlands I got from Ina. I didn't care that Lauren was in the room, I turned my back to her and changed into my outfit to hope that she wouldn't ask questions.
Double knotting the laces, I looked back up and see Lauren in the middle of the room hugging her legs. I sighed and made my way to Lauren to see what was wrong.
"What's wrong Lauren?" I kneeled in front of her as her head was facing the ground. Lauren mumbled something but I couldn't understand.
"I can't hear you Lauren." Lauren looked up and that pang in my chest came back when I saw her upset because she was right now.
"Why did you leave the room so suddenly? You went outside without anyone by your side and scared everyone to death Ryder." I rose to my feet and turned away from Lauren because I didn't want her to see my angry self to her, now knowing that she knew I left the room but didn't bother try to reach out for me.
"Why? Why did I leave the room?" My voice boomed back and forth of the walls in the room. "My emotions were all over the place. Angry, sad, upset, shattered was what I felt and I had to leave."
I wasn't hearing anything from Lauren so when I looked back at her, she had a hesitant demeanour like she knew what she wanted to know shouldn't be asked. Yet her mouth opened up the words I didn't want to speak the truth of.
"Why were you feeling those things?" Then that's when I snapped. It felt like my body wasn't mine anymore and I was being relentless.
"Because of that damn bodyguard! It took me a whole week for you to have a conversation with me or to even show emotion on your face then the second I introduce Ethan to you all, you are so warmed up to him! That smile he effortlessly caused and words that said more than other days came out made me realise that I wouldn't have any chance. He's a guy! I'm just a girl that you might have had a slight feelings for me but I can't match what he did."
I stumbled back and fell to the ground, ashamed of what I had spewed because of stupid jealousy.
"Ryder it's not like tha-"
"Lauren I like you a lot okay? I've said it. I like you so much that I would do anything for you. I care for you so much but you don't like me do you?" I looked up and her quiet, frozen state was enough. "That's what I thought."
"W-wait Ryder-"
"Please let me be alone in my room. Tell the girls I'm fine and I'm taking a nap. Going to the gym got me all tired up. I'll wait for the words of rejection another day so I beg you to please let me be by myself."
Lauren did as I told by leaving the room by myself as I silently sobbed my broken heart. I guess I wasn't enough for her but I think it's okay since Lauren will be under Ethan's protection. I didn't know anything about Ethan but I hoped he will bring Lauren happiness for a very long time.
I sat on the chair to the desk that had my phone and notebook. I flipped through the notebook and checked off the things I needed to do just in case of what my worries would come a reality. Unlocking my phone to use the camera on my phone, I began recording a video that I hope that no one would need to see in the future of my life.
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What a long chapter! So things are getting more spicy but of course it's got to end some point. 🐸☕
- Joy