Chapter 31
"I know you don't believe it,
But I said it and I still mean it,
When you heard what I told you,
When you get worried I'll be your soldier." - Soldier - Gavin Degraw
It's been a week since graduation and I am already soaking up as much sun as I possibly can. This summer is my last "free" summer. Who knows what my future summers hold, but I'm sure they will be filled with college classes and then eventually I'll be working. I decided to only work part time at the cafe this summer so I can enjoy these next few months as much as I can.
This week I've taken time for myself and to reflect on things that occurred over this past school year. I haven't talked to Kyle or Matt at all since graduation night. The only reason why I've talked to Austin is because he's always around and I can't exactly kick him out of my house. Kyle knew I needed some space in order to figure out my feelings for him and the other two guys which is why we haven't talked. I decided on my own to not message Matt until I was for sure aware of my feelings. Thankfully, Austin hasn't brought up our kiss anymore and for the most part we have gone back to our normal relationship. Which is such a relief. The last thing I wanted to do was jeopardize my friendship with him.
I think I have made up my mind. It was a lot of going back and forth, but my heart kept leading me back to one particular guy. He has made such a big impact on me and I just can't let him go. I feel peace in my decision and I think I am ready to tell the guys. It's not going to be easy, I know. But this is something that is way over due and I need to tell them my decision.
I head over to the guy's house that I plan to tell first. I know this isn't going to be easy for me, considering the feelings I've always had for him. But I know he's not the one. There has been too much back and forth and distrust in our relationship. I just can't see myself fully letting my guard down enough with him.
My stomach was turning nervous flips as I drove. I was shaking, and I was doing everything I can to calm myself down. I really don't know why I'm so nervous, I guess I've just never been good at letting people down. I don't want to hurt anyone, so I know this isn't going to be easy.
I pulled up at Matt's house and sighed in relief when I saw his car in the driveway. I didn't tell him I was coming over, so this is a complete surprise to him. I wanted to do this in person and I was afraid that if I messaged him, I would end up telling him over text message.
And he deserves way better than that.
I drug myself out of the car and to his front door. I've been dreading this conversation all morning, but not everything is rainbows and butterflies. Unfortunately.
His sister, Jaycee opens the door with a surprise look on her face. She immediately breaks out into a grin, "Are you here to see Matt?"
I nodded, with a smile. "Yes, he is here right?"
"Yeah, I'll go get him for you." She opened the door wider for me to come in.
"Thanks, are your parents here?" I noticed the House was quiet, and now that i remember I don't think I saw their car in the driveway.
"No, they had to go do some running around."
"Jayce, is someone here?" Matt's voice sounded from the distant. I could hear his footsteps and the nervous feeling was back. Do I really have to do this?
Yes, yes I have to.
Matt rounded the corner and a shocked look appeared on his face. "Becca, what are you doing here?"
I smiled sheepishly, "I hope I'm not intruding."
"No, not at all." He smiled, "I'm glad you're here." He the turned to his sister, "Did you tell her?"
Now I was the one confused. What did he have to tell me? I looked at Jaycee who was shaking her head furiously. "No, I swear I haven't told her anything. She came here on her own."
"She's telling the truth," I said, defending Jaycee. "I actually came here to talk to you. I didn't know you had something to tell me too." There was a slight awkward pause in the air. I guess because we both obviously had news to share with each other. I just hope whatever he had to tell me didn't make it even more complicated to tell him that Im basically breaking up with him.
"I'm going to give you two some alone time to talk." Jaycee said, as she started to back away. "And you don't have to worry about me eavesdropping because I'll have my headphones on."
I chuckled, she definitely has a sense of humor. Just like her brother. The brother that's standing in front of me, looking incredibly attractive yet I'm about to break up with him.
I hope I'm making the right decision.
He lead me to the living room, so we could move away from standing awkwardly in the foyer. He sat down on the couch and I sat down beside him. At this point, I really don't know what I was more nervous about; what he had to tell me or what I had to tell him.
He took a deep breath, "I guess I'll start, if that's okay."
I nodded, "Sure,"
"A couple months ago, I decided to apply to join the army. I got accepted and I leave next week for training."
My mind is spinning. The army? Leaves next week? I mean, yeah I was about to break things off with him. But he's leaving, and that makes me unsure of how I feel.
I open my mouth, but nothing comes out.
"You weren't expecting that were you?" Matt must have taken my silence as a hint. "I'm sorry, I know I should have told you when I applied but I didn't really know how. Goodbyes are not really my thing."
I shook my head, "They are not really my thing either. You're right, I wasn't expecting that. But I'm really proud of you."
I really am proud of him. This is a huge step for anyone to take, but for Matt especially.
"I'm really going to miss you." I tell him. I wrap my arms around his neck and we stay in that embrace for a few moments. We have been through a lot together. We met when we were eleven, and ever since then we have had this connection that neither one of us can really explain. I just know that I care about him so much, and I truly will miss him.
"I'm going to miss you too." He mumbled in my shoulder. He pulled away from our hug, and maybe I was seeing things but I'm pretty sure I saw a few tears in his eyes. That alone made me want to burst out crying. But, I had to be strong.
"So, what did you come here to tell me?" He asked, changing the subject.
I took a deep breath before answering him. "These past few months of us reconnecting have been amazing. I don't regret any of it. However, I know it also has been confusing and I think it's time I give everyone some answers."
I paused for a second to see if he was going to say anything, but he didn't so I continued on. "I have always had this undeniable attraction to you, ever since we were kids." He smiled at that.
"Sometimes I wondered why I could never move on from you, and when I did you always came back. You'll always be one of my best friends, Matt. But I think we were meant to be just best friends, nothing more."
I was afraid that I sounded harsh. That was my main fear coming into this. I'm usually the one being broken up with, not doing the breaking up. I didn't want to hurt him, but I didn't know any other way of doing it. I guess it does help knowing he's moving away. Even though, that hurts like hell to know that I won't see him around.
I searched his face for any emotion, but he's so hard to read. I needed him to say something, anything.
He then nodded his head, "I agree with you, Becca."
"I'm sorry, I really wish we could have made things work."
"It's for the best, especially with me leaving. I can't expect you to wait on me." My heart was breaking, this guy sitting in front of me was the guy my heart has wanted for so long. But over time, things change. Feelings change.
"I will always love you, Becca. I hope whichever guy you choose, makes you happy. Because you deserve to be the happiest girl in the world." He squeezed my hand and smiled, "As long as you're happy, then I'm happy."
"Please take care of yourself out there in this crazy world." I say. "Find you an amazing girl and love her."
He cracked a smile, "Don't worry about me Becks. I'm going to be okay."
I hugged him again and I really don't know how long we stayed like that. I was clinging to him, to the feeling of him as long as I could. I didn't want to let go, but I knew I had to.
I didn't realize I was crying until I pulled away. "Damn, I didn't want to cry today." I said as I wiped at my eyes. Matt chuckled, "I'm sorry that I didn't tell you sooner. I know I should have."
I stood up from the couch, "This is it then, this is goodbye?"
He nodded, standing up as well. "I think so,"
We hugged once last time.
"Thank you, for being my soldier." I mumbled into his shoulder.
"No matter how far apart we may get, I'll always be your soldier."
——
And cue the tears 😭
So, obviously she doesn't pick Matt. That leaves Austin and Kyle.
Who does she pick?
Only 2 more chapters and an epilogue left! I can't believe how close we are to finishing this story.
Happy Saturday and Happy almost Easter!! ❤️
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