HELLO GUYS, BEFORE YOU PROCEED WITH THE STORY... I WANT TO PLUG SOMETHING.
IPRO-PROMOTE KO LANG YUNG FIRST EVER TO BE PUBLISHED BOOK KO UNDER LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL CORP.
IT IS ENTITLED "WALK OF SHAME"
Don't be confused dahil Aniya. B ang ginamit kong pen name doon.
It will be available this June 2014 (I don't know if it's allowed to give the specific date kaya basta first week of June siya!) on every PPC branches nationwide, and also on other bookstores like National, Pandayan, Expressions and etc.
I hope you guys will grab a copy. I will really really appreciate it guys.
For more questions, just visit the page: LIBofficial
or you can ask me personally by sending me a pm on facebook or asking me on my ask.fm/kissmyredlips
THANK YOU GUYS. SO VERY VERY MUCH.
___________
Allie
The first thing that came out of my mouth was a loud gasp. The smell of the breeze coming from the air conditioning mixed with the scent of medicine made me scrunch my nose in pure distaste. Even with my eyes closed, I can already tell where I was.
After all, this is my number one hated place at all times.
The hospital.
Just by simply thinking of that mere word sends me chills that lingers inside my body and it's in a very terrible way.
Hindi ko pa dinidilat ang nga mata ko. Mainly because I was scared of what will happen once I open them. It's been a long while since I've went to a hospital. I strictly avoided to going one because I was tired from fighting the inevitable. I stopped from going because I was tired of praying for something better. I gave up because I want to stop my family from getting their hopes up.
Getting your hopes up means you're expecting and expectations meant heart breaks.
In life, I think expectation is ranking top two of the list of things that could break your heart and ruin your life. The third one, is of course cheating which is pf course supplied with infedility and lies. The list also includes being alone, depression, insecurities, betrayal, abandonment and the other worse stuff unimaginable.
The first one though, the topnotcher-highranker, is the worse of them all. It's something that not even those who plays safe by barracading their heart with bricked painted walls with a handle with care fragile sign could escape from. It's not something where you could close your eyes and magically disappears when you open them. No, it doesn't work that way.
What else could be more worse than assuming something that will never happen and is inevitable?
What is that something that could fully destroy you, crush your heart, and rip your soul apart?
Death.
That, is something that even prayers couldn't stop from happening. And sadly, that is something that is bound to happen to me soon-and fast.
I can still remember the look on my mother's face when she found out about my illness when I was just twelve years old. I saw how her heart broke just by looking at me. Umiyak sa akin si Mommy noon at niyakap ako ng mahigpit na parang ayaw niya akong pakawalan.
I didn't understand the reason why she was crying back then, I didn't get it when she told me how I didn't deserve to die but I still made sure to cheer up, telling her that I'm not dying just yet. Sadly, that didn't work out since she started crying again.
That's when my mother started to become over protective, she started monitoring what I eat-making sure everything that I do was approved by my doctor.
I really loved the way my mother protects me from everything that might hurt me. It made me feel like I was the most beloved child on the whole world. Granted, she's overly protective of me sometimes-she still allows me to experience normal stuffs that my age should experience, even if my condition wasn't normal.
"Allie, honey, please wake up." narinig ko ang boses ni Mommy.
I pursed my lips. Gusto ko siyang makita pero ayaw ko pang magising. I wasn't ready to face reality yet. This... this void, is something that I want to hold into. Because inside my mind, there are no beginnings or sappy endings. Just in betweens.
Ever since my second attack, which involves a sudden pain spreading from my skull, down to my back and then unto my pelvis. It was the worse feeling I have ever felt, to hurt and not knowing how to stop myself from feeling pain.
The feeling when it hurts and you can't do anything about it.
Naalala ko pa rin kung gaano kasakit iyon. I wish I could say I wash thrashing in pain but I really wasn't. Instead, I was immobile. The more I move, the more it hurts and that's why my parents were frustrated.
"Allie!" I wouldn't realize I was already awake if it wasn't for my mother's voice. The sudden change of lightning changed and I was quickly blinded by how the room was so bright. I also felt my self flinch because my mother's voice were too loud for my sensitive ears.
"Mommy?" my mom let out a gasp and then followed by continuous sobs. I was immediately confused. My mind has been awake for some time now but I couldn't remember how I ended up here in the hospital.
"Oh, Allie." dahan-dahan lumapit sa akin si Mommy at niyakap ako. Kasama ang braso ko sa niyakap niya kaya hindi ko siya mayakap pabalik. The dextrose stuck in my arm made my nose scrunch in annoyance. I've always hate the feeling of having a needle inside my wrist.
"I'm just going to call someone to check up on you." tahimik na lumabas si Daddy. Mom and I know the reason why dad is more than willing to leave the room. Ayaw niya ipakita na umiiyak siya. He wants to be strong in front of us para maging malakas din kami kagaya niya and that's something that I really admire.
"What happened My? Paano ako napunta sa hospital?"
She sighed. "It was yesterday. Dominic called us, saying na hinimatay ka daw at isinugod sa hospital."
Dominic?
"Yesterday?" my eyes were widened in shock. It's not the first time since I've been in coma before but it's definitely the first time in many months.
I hate waking up knowing that time passed by without me.
I’ve always hated how I know that lives goes on, the earth still rotates, and the world doesn't pause without me.
It just makes me realize how little I am to even matter. Makes me feel sad and realize that one day, I'd be gone and no one will even know it.
Sure, my parents will be broken. My family and friends too-but sooner or later, they'll forget. When you're not around anymore, they'll forget about you. Everyone does.
It's a sad fact, and it’s true. Eventually, they’ll move one–you’ll always be in their hearts but you’ll never be in their lives any more. Just a part of it. A part of their life that involves with the past.
"Dominic said he was in a fight with someone when you collapsed."
Someone…
Kumirot ang ulo ko habang pinipilit kong maalala ang nangyari kahapon pero blangko pa rin ang isipan ko.
"Could it be with Arron?"
The name clicked in my mind like a password and everything started flashing back inside my mind.
Naalala ko kung paano ako titigan ni Arron, how hard it was for me to breathe-how Dominic asked if I was alright. How he leaned in to kiss me and how I was pulled away and kissed by someone else.
I can still remember how magical that kiss felt. It was passionate, gentle and mindblowing. I frowned when I remembered how short it was, followed by a memory of Dominic pulling Arron away and punching him in the face. They started fighting, shouting and cursing each other and then it was all black.
"Where's Arron?" napasimangot si Mommy sa tanong ko.
Disappointment etched her face–followed by weary. It was like she wanted to scold me about something but decided that it wasn’t the best to open it up at the moment.
“Si Dominic ang nandito nang dumating kami. He stayed here till night, pinauwi lang namin para makapagpahinga. Kanina pa siya nasa labas dahil maaga siyang pumunta dito.” my heart throbbed in guilt. Nauna ko pang alalahanin ang ibang tao kaysa sa sarili kong boyfriend. I’m so disgusting.
“Does he know?” tanong ko kay Mommy. Gusto kong malaman kung sinabi na ba nila kay Dominic ang totoo. Umiling-iling si Mommy at nakahinga naman ako ng maluwag. I want to be the one to give him the news. Something that I should have done long ago but never had the guts to do.
“I want to talk to him.” my mom just nodded.
“Hindi ka ba nagugutom?” umiling-iling na lang ako and right on cue, pumasok si Daddy kasama ang doctor ko. Si Dr. Robles. He’d been my doctor since I started my maintenance therapy. It’s not a big deal, really. Pumupunta lang kami sa hospital to have my monthly check up dahil kailangan na makita ang progress ng cells ko, trying to make sure that it’s working normally. Nagkakaroon din ako ng weekly shots at palagian na umiinom ng gamot. It was so many that I can’t ever keep count.
That has been my life for the past twenty-one years. Hospital, gamot, injection, therapy. Doon lang umikot ang mundo ko. Until Dominic came in my life. I was never really happy before Dominic. I was just contented–never asking for more. He gave me the reason to fight, and he’s also the same reason how I learned when to give up.
“How are you feeling, Allie?” yun palagi ang tinatanong sa akin ni Dr. Robles sa tuwing magkikita kami and in return, I always say the same thing to him.
“I’m tired.” I gave him a half smile.
Tumango-tango siya, as if symphatizing. “You must be, halos isang araw ka nang nakahiga diyan. Nakakapagod talaga yun.” he grinned at me and I tried to chuckle for him.
“When can I get out of here?” tanong ko sa kanya.
“Allie.” my parents called my name in chorus.
Dr. Robles cleared his throat. “Well, since you’re not taking your maintenance therapy–we just need to run in some tests and then you can just go home by the end of the day.”
“Thank you.” mahina kong sagot.
“Is she stable enough to leave?”
“Yes. Her vitals are perfect. Just expect some symptoms here and there. Don’t forget to rest and avoid stress as much as possible, okay, Allie?” tumango na lang ako.
“Pwede na ba siyang tumanggap ng bisita?” tanong ni Mommy.
“It depends. Do you think you can?” he asked and I sighed.
“Yes.” ngumiti muna sa akin si Mommy bago hinatak si Daddy palabas ng room. The door closed when Dr. Robles spoke again.
“Can I give you a one small advice, Allie?”
I smiled. “Sure.”
“It’s time to start letting people in.”
Tinitigan muna ako ni Dr. Robles nang matagal bago lumabas ng silid ko nang may maliit na ngiti sa mga labi niya. As Dr. Robles leaves, I saw Dominic came in and I started feeling slightly queasy.
“Hey.” bumungad sa akin ang matamlay na si Dominic. If I saw us in a different point of view, I would have thought that he was as sick as me. May itim sa ilalim ng mga mata niya at parang hindi nakatulog ng maayos sa porma niya.
It was rare for a Dominic Chua to be this restless. He was usually composed, always in control–one of the many reasons why I was in love with him. Why I love him. Kahit na saang sitwasyon man siya mailagay, he would easily clean the mess up without sweating. Pero ngayon, para siyang inatasan ng napakalaking problema. It didn’t minus his charm but it made me sad that I was the reason why he’s in this situation. Kahit na may sakit at may taning na ang buhay ay nagagawa ko pa rin makagawa ng ganitong kalaking pinsala.
“Hi.” I silently replied. Lumapit sa akin si Dominic at umupo sa upuan na nasa tabi ng kama na kinahihigaan ko.
“Are you… Are you okay?” Dominic hesitated, paused to calm his racing thoughts. Alam kong nag-iisip na siya nang iba’t ibang posibleng dahilan kung bakit ako nasa hospital at kung ano ba ang nangyayari. It’s probably the same reason why he didn’t sleep well, his mind is preoccupied by the situation.
My tears started to glisten in my eyes and I shook my head, biting my lips. “No. I’m not okay.”
Dominic stared at me, thoroughly scanning my whole face like it was the first time that he saw me. Alam kong marami siyang tanong ngayon pero nakuntento siya na titigan ako. Hindi ko alam kung mas gusto niya lang iyon o dahil ayaw niya lang marinig ang totoo. If I was on the same position as him, I would have done the same thing. I would wish to be kept out of the dark than to know the awful truth.
“I’m dying.” tahimik na sabi ko dito. Shock flashed on his face but he replaced it with an awkward and timid smile.
“Everyone’s dying, Allie. It’s part of being a human.” I know what he’s doing. He’s trying to deny the truth. He doesn’t want to accept the real fact.
“No.” I shook my head, my tears falling down my face. “I’m really, dying. I have only months to live.” he caught his breath and something flickered in his eyes. Tears.
“You’re lying.” Dominic’s voice broke at hindi ko naman mapigilana ng sarili ko sa pag-iyak.
“I’m sorry, Dominic. I’m sorry.” umiling-iling sa akin si Dominic habang patuloy naman ang pagtulo ng luha sa mga mata niya. Tama nga ako. Doble ang sakit sa dibdib ko pag nakikita kong nasasaktan siya. Hindi ko kaya na nakita siyang nagkakaganito.
It was all clear to me again. Why I don’t want to tell him like this. Why I want him to move on and forget me before I can even tell him the truth. Dahil ayaw kong masaktan siya kagaya ngayon. At least kapag hindi na niya ako mahal at kapag munghing-munghi na siya sa akin, hindi na siya masasaktan. I’d rather see him laugh at my death than to cry for it. It pains me.
“No, Allie. You’re lying.”
“I wish I was, Dominic. But I’m not. I’m sorry if I didn’t tell you. I never planned on telling anyone. It’s why I want to break up with you, dahil ayaw kong masaktan ka ng ganito sa oras na malaman mo ang tungkol sa kalagayan ko. I thought of breaking up with you but I can’t bring myself to hurt you that way, that’s why I asked for Arron’s help. I figured that if I hurt you in some way, you’ll hate me and find it in you to move on and love another girl who’s healthy and deserving for your love.”
“Stop talking, Allie.” patuloy lang ako sa paghagulgol. Pahinto-hinto ako sa pagsasalita dahil sa pag-iyak na ginagawa ko. Halos hindi ko na nga maintindihan ang sarili ko dahil sa paghikbi ko sa bawat letra na lumalabas mula sa bibig ko.
“Ayaw lang kitang masaktan, Dominic. Pero parang the more na iniiwasan ko na masaktan ka, the more na nakakagawa ako ng dahilan para masaktan ka lalo. I know you don’t want to hear it, but what I’m not lying. I’m sick.”
“Do you know how much I wish to have you cheat on me with anyone else, even with Arron–than to listen to you talking about how you’re dying and have only months to live?”
Umiling-iling si Dominic sa akin. “Hindi ko alam ang gagawin ko, Allie. Paano ang gagawin mo kung ang taong pinakamamahal mo, malapit nang kunin sa’yo? Paano ang gagawin mo kung yung taong gusto mong makasama pang habang buhay, malapit nang mawala sa’yo? I don’t want to exist in a world without you, Allie. I don’t know if that’s even possible–so please tell me, tell me what to do because I’m so lost.” isinubsob ni Dominic ang mukha niya sa tiyan ko at sinimulan ang pag-iyak. Hindi ko naman mapigilan ang sarili kong mga luha sa pagtulo nito.
Our wails and every whimpers were bouncing in the room. My heart was heavy on my chest. I was hurt. I was heavily bleeding. I have been for a long time.
“I want you to stay. I want you to assure me that you won’t leave me. I still want to marry you and grow old with you. Please stay.”
“Dominic.” I brushed my hand in his hair. Inangat ni Dominic ang ulo niya at tinitigan ako nang masinsinan. My heart broke for the nth time when I saw his eyes and how broken it looked.
“What should I do, Allie? Tell me what.” I sniffed and cupped his cheeks with my two hands.
“You move on.”