❝ my eyes averted yours. in case the pretence of being just friends was revealed, the longing to be more, given away. ❞
michael faudet
WARNING: This chapter contains some strong language.
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To love and to be in love with someone were two disparate things.
Her words came as a complete shock to me. I'm in love with Damian. That was a very serious declaration, that left no place for doubts. She had said it with utter certainty, her lips pressed tightly together. I damned myself mentally for not realising it sooner. I had been so caught in my own thoughts and problems that I had been blind. And once I'd heard it, there was no way to get it out of my mind. I fumbled for words for a long time, and I sensed the growing waves of anxiety and tension that she emanated. My silence probably expressed a lot more than anything else could.
"Bel, please say something." she pleaded after a while.
I leant back, withdrawing my hand from hers. I placed my elbow on the arm of the chair and rested my chin on my palm. I didn't feel anything -- I guessed I was still too consternated by her confession. What was there to feel, anyway? Damian and I weren't even friends. Damian and I were something else...and we weren't. We were and we weren't. What a paradox.
"Have you told him about it?" I asked her, trying not to betray any emotion.
Judging by her expression, apparently no reaction was worse than one.
"No, no. I could never. Not when he likes you." she uttered, fiddling with her fingers in her lap. Her eyes were cast down as if she was afraid to meet mine. "Do you like him? Because if you do, I'll step away, really, even if it'll kill me on the inside." She saw me part my lips but stopped me from talking with a frenzied gesture. "Please let me finish. If you don't like him that much, or if you don't like him at all, could you maybe...ask him if he could ever like me? Or help me do something that will make him like me? I'll do the same for you with Devon. I know you guys are closer now."
Do you like him? I stifled a hysterical laugh. I didn't know what she expected me to answer. He was my first kiss. My heart fluttered whenever I saw him, but not in a romantic, sappy kind of way. It was almost like a violent storm was raging inside of me, but I enjoyed every part of it. Every sense of mine and feeling were heightened when I was around him. He was so beautiful it hurt, beautiful like lightning on dark skies, beautiful like a fallen angel, bereft of wings.
Do you like him? I hated him. He was unpredictable and he might have killed someone. One day, he might kill me. And I'd let him. That's how messed up I was around him. That's how weak I was when I was around him.
I didn't want to feel that way.
Liar, liar.
"I can't promise you anything, Ellie. But I'll ask if he has feelings for you." I replied blandly.
"Thank you. You're the best friend ever." she uttered gratefully, a warm smile lightening up her face. "So you're not mad? It's cool with you, isn't it?"
The relief and happiness that laced her features made my heart shrink to the size of a pea. How could I crush all of that hope? How could I break my best friend's heart and tell her that Damian was someone special to me? I was torn in two: on one side was him, and on the other brink was my best friend. Boys come and go, but friendships are forever, I reminded myself, but suddenly that sounded like a pathetic excuse to me.
"I'm not mad. Just surprised, that's all."
My voice didn't sound convincing at all, but I didn't care. I couldn't put on an act and pretend that I was totally okay with that, but I couldn't admit that it bothered me either; not even to myself. I decided to let things happen by themselves and go with the flow.
"All right, then. I was so worried that you're in love with him as well."
I gave her a forced smile, but she didn't seem to notice. I took a deep breath. Why did this feel like the end of something?
***
I had been avoiding Damian for days. I didn't really go out during the breaks so I wouldn't meet him in the hallway. And if we accidentally crossed paths, I was usually with Avery and Paul or Devon and he didn't dare approach me yet. Ellie had told him that I hadn't forgiven him yet and that I needed some space, so he was probably respecting my decision.
I hadn't seen him for four days in a row. I overheard some girls in his class that said he started to play truant and skip school. I wasn't surprised at all. Skipping school sounded like a very tempting idea, with all the quizzes and exams coming up.
I didn't tell Ellie about the photograph I saw of Damian with Monica. It didn't feel right. I also didn't ask her if she had been seeing him these past days. I feared the answer.
It was Friday when Avery announced that we had a meeting. I almost forgot that I told Damian that he was part of The Elite Group. That meant I had to find him and let him know, or at least text him. I decided upon the latter and wanted to take his phone number from Ellie, but she insisted that she'd notify him herself. I didn't comment or tried to argue. It was pointless.
Ellie didn't come between me and Devon, so I just returned the favour. Damian and I were strangers again.
After the fifth period, Gabrielle and I walked to the usual meeting spot. We all sat down at the circular table: ever since the selection, the Elite Group consisted of fourteen members, and most of them were new. What the rest didn't know was that there was a fifteenth member as well, who was late. I wasn't sure how to tell them about that, so I just kept silent. I decided to wait until Damian arrived to drop the bombshell.
Avery got up from her chair and cleared her throat:
"Until we get to our beloved Do or Die game, we've gathered for something else. Christmas is coming soon and we need to organise something, like a ball or some sort of celebratory activity for the rest of the academy. Any ideas?"
Silence filled the room as everyone averted their eyes to the floor. I was the first one to break it:
"We have to keep up the charity fund. It's become a tradition now."
The majority nodded their head in approval. My fingers twiddled nervously on the table as Paul said something that I didn't pay attention to.
Where was Damian? Was he going to come at all?
I inspected my red nails lost in thought.
"How about a social movement campaign that overthrows the regime of the academy's ungrateful wretches? Oh, wait. That's like the majority of you lot."
I didn't see who was talking, but I didn't have to. That derisive tone could only belong to one person. All heads turned towards him. He was wearing black again, from head to toe. He didn't have his coat on, only a crow neck jumper and jeans. I almost had forgotten how handsome he was, in his unconventional way, all sharp lines and ice-sculpted features. He watched us carelessly and defiantly, but his gaze didn't land on me.
Avery was already fuming, with her hands clenched into fists. Despite her small frame, she looked very menacing.
"How dare you show up here? Get out before I make a scene." she threatened him through gritted teeth.
"By all means. It's the only thing you're good at anyway." he countered apathetically.
Alarmed whispers began to unravel in the room. Paul leapt to his feet right away and I knew how quickly this could escalate if I didn't step up. Damian's lip was now fully healed, and I didn't want to see him with another injury any time soon. I got up as well and darted a scolding glance towards Damian.
"Let me do the talking, okay?" I asked without waiting for an answer. "Avery, Damian's part of the Elite Group. He came in for the interview and I accepted him into the club." I explained calmly.
"On what grounds?!" she exclaimed with fury. She looked as if she wanted to slap me. Hard. "What the hell is wrong with you? He killed Monica!" she continued, making me jump.
This was going way worse than I imagined. Way, way worse. Avery was akin a panther, waiting to jump and tear out Damian's throat. And mine too.
"I'd certainly enjoy killing you." Damian muttered under his breath, but loud enough for everyone else to hear. He approached us one step at a time, crossing his arms over his chest.
I felt my blood freeze in my veins. Some students watched him fearfully, others appalled and shocked. I could see Ellie hiding her face in her palms in the corner of my eye. I shot a baleful glare in his direction, but he wasn't even looking at me. Frustration invaded me like a cold wave.
"Get the hell out of here, man." Paul chimed in furiously.
"You're demented, you know that? You're a psychopath. People like you deserve to rot in prison." Avery barked.
If only looks could kill...
"For the record, not all psychopaths are killers." I informed them, gripping the edge of the table.
"And you can't label someone a psychopath without being a certified psychiatrist. Moreover, there isn't any evidence that points to Damian killing Monica. This is not justice, this is bullying." I emphasized the last word, scanning the rest of my peers.
Avery's blazing blue eyes shifted on me.
"You're still here? I thought it was crystal clear that treacherous bitches are not welcome here." she spat, her voice wobbly. "Is he that good of a fuck, Rosabel? Is that why you're defending him?"
Her words left me speechless. This was the first time I heard her swear, and it was in front of so many people. I felt my ears ringing and blood rose to my cheeks, making them burn. I understood the source of her anger, but she had no right to spill it out on me. I could feel fury building up inside me. Violence is not the answer, violence is not the answer, I repeated continuously in my head like a mantra.
"You take that back right now." Damian growled, and his tone was so cutting and harsh it startled me. "Say whatever you want to me, I don't care. But if you insult her one more time, so help me God, the next thing that'll come out of your mouth will be your tongue."
I didn't know if I should be thankful or completely terrified. I glanced at my best friend pleadingly, hoping she'd support us or at least say something. But she didn't. She held her head down with a docile expression, not even looking at me.
"I only told the truth." I defended myself, but my voice didn't sound as fierce as I wanted it to. "Look at us, jumping at each other's throats instead of talking like decent human beings. First of all, Monica's case isn't closed yet. The police are still investigating it. And until Damian's arrested, he is innocent. Second of all, the rules of this group are ridiculous. Social status doesn't determine anyone's worth. We live in a democratic country, remember?"
I could hear my own heartbeat, that's how silent and still everyone was.
"You two deserve each other." Avery hissed, letting herself fall on the chair defeatedly. "I wouldn't be surprised if you killed her both."
Her words hurt. Especially since they were coming from the girl I considered a friend. My eyes welled up with tears, but I held them back. I had never cried in public, and I wasn't going to cry now. It wasn't worth it.
I turned around and just like that, I walked out of the classroom.
***
Do not cry. Do not cry. Do not cry, I commanded myself while taking deep breaths. I stormed through the corridors without looking at anyone, keeping my head down. I grabbed my bag and jacket, determined to get out of there. I still had two more classes, but I didn't feel like going. I felt like going home, curling up into a ball and crying. My best friend didn't even try to defend me. My other friend insulted me in the worst way possible, in front of other people. I felt empty and alone. And angry. Very angry.
I dashed outside, enjoying the cold air and the wind that bit my cheeks. The sun was beaming through the clouds, but its rays didn't bring enough warmth. There were almost no students outside. I prayed I wouldn't run into anyone, especially not into a teacher. The way to the main gate was free. There was only one problem. My dad always picked me up from school. I had to call him and make up an apology. I called him and told him I was feeling poorly, but well enough to walk home. Luckily, he didn't ask any more questions. He must have been busy at work.
"Wow. I never would have thought that someone so small could be so hard to keep up with."
I froze at the sound of his voice. I couldn't hold back the whimsical, melancholic smile that formed on my lips as I pivoted on my heels to face him. He was tall enough to block the sun from my view.
"Get back there. You can't miss school again."
"You've noticed my absence? How touching. I thought you were going to ignore and avoid me for the rest of your life." Damian quipped. He didn't seem affected by what just happened. But again, he didn't really seem affected by anything.
I suppressed the urge to hug him. Out of everyone, he was the only one who stood up for me. I gave him an appreciative look as he bit his lower lip. No, no. I couldn't look at him like that. Ellie was in love with him. But it was so tempting, so forbidden, which only made me want him more.
"That sounds like a brilliant idea." I smirked, throwing my hair over my shoulder. "Have a good day." I said, heading to the exit.
He only hesitated for a second before following me.
"Skipping this hellhole? I'm in."
"Um, no, you're not." I contradicted him gravely, trying to hide my amusement. "I'm going alone."
"I'll tell the principal if you do."
"Are you seriously blackmailing me?"
He pondered the answer for a moment, then walked to a shiny silver Hyundai Sonata Hybrid parked near the school gate.
"Totally." He took out the keys to the car from the pocket of his long coat and unlocked it. "We're already considered partners in crime, Rosabel. Literally. Why prove them wrong?"
The way he pronounced my name made me weak at my knees. My phone rang. I took it out and saw that it was Ellie. I inhaled the chilly air into my lungs and put my phone on silent.
"FYI, I'm still ignoring you." I bantered, approaching him.
Was I making a big mistake? Would I regret this? Definitely.
"Where to?" I asked him, motioning to his car.
He opened the door of the car for me and leant in close with a cheeky smile.
"My secret lair. It's where I usually kill people."
I hoped he was joking.