A/n: valentines be passing and I'm still lonely. lol #independentwoman. Hey, are u guys beavers? Cauzzz DAMMM.
Jimin's POV
"You've finally woke up."
The first words that greeted me after my miserable sleep. My eyes had dragged open as my cheek rested cold against the car window. The dark shadows of rain droplets stared back at me through the glass wall, a dash of light passing quickly by, making the shadows run.
I turn my head to the person in the drivers seat, squinting my eyes to see through the hazy darkness only to feel my face stiff. At first confusion was all I felt, but with more seconds passing I realised that it's hardened by my dried tears of last night, and the feelings began flooding back in.
Last night, a memory too painful that I don't want to recall it. It'll only make me cry more, only make my throat hurt once more, and only make my vision blurry once again.
"Mummy, where are we going," I ask quietly, my throat throbbing from my midnight sobs, trying to drift my mind off the reason I'm like this.
And how it's my fault that I'm suffering.
"The doctors," she informs me in a tone matching mine as well as the atmosphere, gloomy and saddened.
There was a moment of silence between this. My depressed mind trying hard to pick up on her words. The doctor? Why do I need to go there?
Those were the words that my brain laid out for me to say, but a simple "Why?" is what popped out with my voice small, no real wonder in my question, but I wanted to know why she would carry me there.
"Your father said you were sick, very sick." She starts, a pause in between to sigh out her overwhelming worries. "He didn't explain why but he insisted I carry you there. He was spouting something about you sexual genital or something."
Her words sounded a little frantic, but I think it was her just her worried tone taking the lead. She wasn't sure what was happening to her son that her husband desperately made her take me to a doctor. But she took a deep breath, staying quite for the information to sink in for me.
Again my brain struggles to decipher the words spoken to me at first, but in the end I felt like I had some clue to why.
Father.
Sick.
Sexual.
Those terms popping like they were highlighted, my mental state dragging over all of them like I was reading Braille. Such key word to this whole puzzle of sentences leaving my mother's mouth.
My father. A figure for me to look up too. I'm sad to say I don't feel the connection most boys have with their dads. From the very beginning he was just a bundle of descriptions to me. Even though my mum's work was basically her life, my dad always travelled over seas for some reason. He was never there, and was only a silhouette of a person I'm supposed to want to become, to be a boy worthy of being his son; so I didn't want to disappoint him. When he told me it was like a slap to the face, but before he did physically slap me. Both stung badly. So from the words he told my mother I question.
Am I sick? Is something wrong with me, with my body, with my state of mind? I don't think I'm physically sick, the symptoms are similar, but it feels much deeper than that. The pain is somewhere unreachable, and I'm not sure there's a cure for it. I feel that the coding in my dna is messed up somewhere, that seems like the only way to explain this internal disorder. Somewhere inside, I'm a sick boy.
Sexual. I'm a boy, I'm sure of that, so why does my father treat me like less than that? Why does he say I'm less than that? Is it wrong to like Taehyung, because he acted like I just murdered his son when he saw me with him. Like the boy he raised just died, and all that was left was his unwanted corpse. He had told me if I didn't stop whatever experiment I was doing with Taehyung, he'd disown me. I didn't want that to happen. I was already heartbroken for disappointing him; for him to not call me his own son, that would surely kill me.
But now I'm not so sure of what'll hurt more, to be disowned from my father or never experience the happiness taehyung offers to me.
"How are you feeling Jimin?" My mother finally asks carefully, deciding that I had enough time to think about it. I know she cares, and she loves me with all her being, but I also wonder how she'll react if she knew about my relationship with Taehyung. Would she also hate me, or disown me? Will I disappoint her like I did my dad, even though she said she'll always be proud of me. Of what she brought into the world.
I lean my head back against the car's icy window. The little bumps unsteady like how my entire life feels. The dark caress me better than the sun can ever do for me at the moment. The question lingers like an airborne virus to me, toxic and unwanted. How do I feel? How do I really feel?
I feel empty.
—-
Before I know it I'm in the waiting room doing what it was made for people to do. Waiting. The drive was so long it basically took half of the day away. The place was bright, a complete contrast from the dark car I arrived in. I didn't like it, I just wanted to wither in the darkness.
In the light people can see right through you like your translucent, by your actions and expressions, it's you being an open book. Right now I'm mess, and in the dark even if its an open book your trying to read, its too dark to see. Too bad they can see me.
The front attendant woman finally calls our names, and I just didn't want to be there, but I don't argue in going. The doctor and my mum exchange greetings, talking to each other about a couple of things.
I was in my own world of drowsiness and gloom, becoming upset when he called my name to get my attention. His says something to me that I didn't feel to listen too, and suddenly pulls out a picture of a girl with a big chest and a big butt.
"Wait what are you showing my kid," I catch my mother ask with disbelief behind me, most likely very surprised with what's happening. He looks at her with no expression really glazed on his features.
"Mam it's part of the procedure that your husband sent to me through email."
She looks confused and upset, not sure what to do. Her phone is suddenly in her hand as she dials a number, excusing herself as she walks out into the hallway. She closes the door a little too harshly, an awkward little silence taking place after the loud slam. My eyes linger there.
But the doctor clears his throat to acquire my attention again, holding up the photo once more. "Now Jimin, do you feel weird? Like does you body tingle when you see this, or feel strange in a specific place I should ask"
I watch carefully, honestly not sure of what I'm supposed to be looking for. I don't know what he means, because I literally feel nothing about it. It's just a person, I don't find her pretty, but I'm not saying she's ugly. Plus I don't understand why she's showing so much skin.
"No," I say conclude quietly but confident.
He nods his heads, writes something down real quick, and moves onto a different picture.
"What about her?"
It's another girl, this time with a skinnier body type and her skin white as snow. She looks almost like a porcelain doll, and I can't tell if she's pretty, she just looks the same as the other girl to me.
"No," I say again, the same powerful silence in my tone. Why is he showing me this?
"Okay what about this one?" He asks, this time switching it up a little as its a guy. The dudes shirtless in the picture, built with muscles and a six pack. I watch it carefully too, but I just feel nothing special about it.
"No," I answer again, like I'm pressing repeat on this answer. Again he does what he's been doing before, nodding his head to my answer, writing something down, and moving onto the next picture.
He pulls out a guy in a long white oversized sweater and some shorts, his skin a honey kissed tan as his body type was slim thick.
"This will be the last one Jimin. How do you feel about it?"
I stare, and stare, trying to think about the picture, but my minds just blank. My mouth goes dry, my pulse picking up its pace.
He looks kinda like Taehyung to me but a few years older, wearing a similar outfit like the one he wore the last time I saw him. My palm starts to sweat a little as my breathing becomes heavily shallow. A tingle starts to circulate through my body as I remember what happened before my dad saw.
How I kissed his lips like it was my addiction, how I love the puffy reddish look they would have after kissing them roughly, or how I bit his honey skin and sweet mewls left his mouth. I can't explain the feeling well, but the sounds he made, the look he had, everything just made me feel different.
Especially the look he gave me, like it was complete pleasure he felt with me, and how close his body was to mine that I even felt the heat. How our skin rubbed, how our legs intertwined, I loved all of it.
How I hugged him to keep him close to me, how my fingers tangled up into his soft hair, the staggered breaths that left his lips close to my ear for me to hear, and how warm his stomach was to my cold hands traveling across it. Everything about him was the best feeling to me, everything about it felt right. He felt right.
"Jimin?" the doctor calls my name, snapping me out of it. I feel out of breath as I open my eyes to him, wondering how they closed in the first place.
Right now my body is tingling every, mostly in the pit of my stomach. My breathing is harsh and unsteady, so out of breath that I'm struggle to get some in. My mouth still remains dry, and I shift uncomfortably in my seat as I clear my voice, trying to remove a lump in my throat.
The fuzzy feeling tingles through my spine, and I arch my back to try and fix it. My hand drapes over my crotch mostly by instinct, covering where I feel the most disturbance. He watches my actions carefully, I feel his eyes on me, but I still try to cover up my weird body trip. I take a deep breath, making sure my voice doesn't waver when I answer.
"No," I literally breathe out the word, my voice not shaky but sounding airy, clearly lying.
Now I'm the one watching him carefully as he evaluates the whole thing, eyeing him to see if his actions say that I was a dead give away to how I felt a second ago, to see if I sold myself out. But his actions are neutral, even his expression is blank. He wraps up the main reason of this appointment in his notes, finally turning back to me to tell me his conclusion.
"Okay Jimin," he starts, a plastered smile quickly placed on his face for a friendlier effect. "It seems like you are sexually attracted to this type of person. You weren't attracted one bit to the first guy, so I feel like there's 2 reasons to why that is. The first is that maybe he just wasn't your type, or maybe the second guy caught your complete attention overall. Tell me, do you know anyone who looks like the second guy?"
The question he asks goes unanswered for a good couple of minutes, and it wasn't going to get answered because its completely flown over my head.
I'm totally stunned, frozen, afraid that I'm sold out to him.
He literally read me.
Anxiety starts to just take me, and I can feel myself shake out of fright. With this its official, if my parents find out I'll be dead to them.
"I-I don't want to answer," I stutter quietly, looking directly at the floor to try and stable myself. He can see the fear in me, because the entire air about him changes in a second.
"Jimin you know it's okay if you like a boy, nothings wrong with that," he says to me with reassurance, but he doesn't know anything. He doesn't know how my dad has reacted before.
"No, no its not," I say with panic laced in well between my words. "Trust me, they wont accept it." They won't accept me.
"Look, I don't have the right to tell them if you don't want me too-"
"I don't want you too," I cut him off before he's even finish, the plead leaving my lips faster than I knew I even said it.
He looks at be with a form understanding in his gaze, a slight nod in his head at my request. "Then I wont."
A sigh I didn't even know I trapped left me, a good amount of the tension in my body releasing. The relief I felt couldn't be described because it'll just make it sound like an understatement.
I've already feel like I disappointed my father, I really don't want to disappoint my mother too. I take my time to climb out of that cold pit of total terror I felt before, taking deep breaths to to ease myself.
"They remind me of my boyfriend, Taehyung," I slowly confess, catching the doctors full attention like before. He gives me a small smile, most likely satisfied that I answered his question.
"See, and that's okay," he says with a genuine simple smile on his face, and as reassuring as he was being about it, I'm sad that that's not how everyone will act.
"But my parents-" I start but don't finish. Looking down at my hands I just think about it, and I know It's not gonna be okay with my parents.
"Jimin," he calls quiet but sternly to grab my attention back on him, my gaze moving up to his. "I hope I'm not being too inappropriate by saying this, but your allowed to go against your parents a little. It's your life, not theirs, and sometimes you just cant help your feelings for another human. They can't restrict that much. Do you understand?"
I let his words sink in, nodding my head softly at what he said, and evaluate over it a little. Can I really go against them in this? I'm not so sure.
"Okay," he claps his hand together, letting a calm breath go. "That's basically our appointment over. Just saying, you'll have to come out of the closet eventually, when you're ready though. Like promised I won't tell them, and I'll just say you don't seem to be attracted to anyone because you haven't developed in that stage of life yet, alright Jimin?
"Isn't that lying," I joke a little even with my dry personality at the moment, causing the doctor to let loose a smile.
"Let's just say I'm blind to your true feelings hmm"
"Sure,"I chuckle at the little deal, my heart weighing a little less because of it. It was an action I haven't done it what felt like forever.
It felt good.
—-
"What the hell are you showing our son!"
once again, thunder starts.
It hasn't been a full ten minutes since we came out of the car after reaching the cabin at like midnight, and it already broke out. Its so mentally draining, I didn't want to be anywhere near it.
So I walk down the hallway, and I can't help but let my eyes drift to his room. Taehyung.
After everything, I really just want to see him.
I hope he'll forgive me for breaking it off, maybe I can make it work, be more careful when I'm with him so I don't get caught again. Or pretend that I'm attracted to an old girl school mate that I still have contact with, just to not raise suspicions.
Before going to his room, I look in the pantry for chocolates in hope of winning his forgiveness with it.
I quietly push the door to his bedroom open, sneaking up to the bed. In my surprise its empty, and I switch on the lights of the room to get a better look. Before thinking anything bad, I search the house for him, but he was nowhere to be found.
Maybe he went for a midnight walk, was a thought I had myself, so I decided to wait for him on his bed. But morning made its appearance, and Taehyung didn't.
The only thing I found that morning, in the corner of his room
was the other pair of the necklace he bought for me.