A couple nights later, Rey woke up in an startle. Her body and mind went full alert but, there was something that kept her in bed. Rey slowly sat up, knowing she woke up in the middle of the night again for a reason. She turned her head and her eyes tailed along the edge of the darkness. She stared willingly into it until they found what they were looking for.
Then she saw him standing there again, camouflaged in the darkness that surrounded him. She only made out his silhouette starting from the paleness of his the chiseled jaw. The darkness that was him. Though Rey reminded herself it was only because of his attire and his hair that he blended with the darkness so perfectly.
Rey frantically threw the covers off of her and turned on her bedside lantern. She stood up and allowed him to walk up to her. That's when she noticed something was off. It was in the way he walked. There was a stumble in his last step. Then her eyes raise to his gloved hands as they wavered at his sides.
Rey observed him thoroughly, her eyes following every trace of him. Eventually, her eyes make their way up to his face.
Rey saw Ren had his head held high like usual, though she could feel the stiffness of his neck herself. She listened to his heavy breath, he's panting so hard she could literally watch his chest rise and drop in rhythm.
Rey also sensed his fatigue. She sensed the soreness of his muscles, the ache between his joints. And beyond the pain. . .that's when she felt his fear.
Ren was standing about an even six feet away from Rey. Though she could probably sense it off of him, he believed that amount of distance was close enough where she wouldn't see how he was trembling as an effect of the torture he experienced every night.
But how wrong he was.
Rey took a step towards him. Her eyes were imploring he speak to her. She gave him a look that asked, 'What's wrong? Did you have another nightmare?'
Ren tried to stay composed. He hoped if he weren't so open as before, Rey wouldn't send it. He didn't want to hastily open himself up again. He didn't want to be the weak fool he used to be before he claimed the title as Kylo Ren. The stronger man, the better man he was meant to be. A life he could build for himself where no one could disappoint him. A empire he could rule like his grandfather where he didn't have to take orders from anyone. He tried to remember all of that when that other voice in his head persuaded him to confine in Rey. Because. . .I want to so badly.
So he only replied with a simple nod.
Rey scanned his eyes to see if he were telling the truth. And if she were being honest, she saw a man who pretended to be strong his whole life about to break any moment. "Do you want to talk about it?" she asked aloud, hoping she could prevent that from happening. Or do I want to know. . .
Ren sensed what Rey was thinking after she asked that question, it was mostly for his sake. He reassured her, "It wasn't about you."
Rey sighed, relieved that he didn't dream of her death again, but still, he must've had a maybe a worse kind of dream that left the Master of the Kights of Ren this frightened. "Then what was it about?"
His answer came out hoarse, his voice so low he basically mumbled the words, "My father."
Rey felt her brows shoot up, giving him her full attention.
Ren cleared his throat. "I saw my father's ghost."
"Well," she said lowly, not sure if he would want to talk about it. So it's why she asked. "Did he. . .his ghost say anything?"
Ren dropped his chin and turned around, hiding his face from her view just in case it wouldn't match his tone. "He told me how disappointed he was of the abomination he raised."
Rey remembered the moment she was taken aback by Ren agreeing to her when she called him a monster. He was self-aware of the unrepentant villain she called him out to be. He didn't reframe from it. He didn't try to defend himself. Ren knew just as well as her how evil he was, how diabolical of a son he was to kill his own father. So she tried to figure out why he killed him, why he hated him. Because for whatever reason he did do, it made him hate himself. It made Ren think of himself as a monster.
Does he still feel that way does he?
That must be why he believes he belongs to the dark.
Rey leaned her head to the side, taking note that he hid once again when he spoke to her. "And how did that make you feel?"
Ren squeezed his fists. The sound of crunching leather pleasing to his ears. He felt the material clench under his fingers as he dug them deeper into his palms. Ren wished he were at his training room right now. He wished he could be practicing hand combat or slicing something through with his lightsaber. It's the one place he relieved himself of the horrid anger and rage that was always buried inside him and transferred it on to something else. He couldn't do that here, with her present.
He felt it start to rise in slow, small currents underneath his fingernails. Sure, all the redness didn't come out unless he's provoked, but he knew for himself he didn't have a high tolerance for most things. That was when Ben came in and tried to take over.
Ben—the part of him that reasoned about the cause of his rage. The voice in his head manifested from his early childhood. Ren's tried to make him go away many times. He usually does meditation—calling out Kylo Ren to conquer Ben Solo and snuff out the last trace of what is left of that weak boy inside. But ever since he met her. . .he didn't have much luck on that.
Ren wanted to badly pretend that what happened in his nightmare didn't effect him. That he was as emotionless as he claimed. But Ben just won't shut up!
Ben wanted him to share everything with her. To lean in to her comfort and pour everything into her like she was a sink that'll drain out all of his despair from the pain he for so long bottled up inside him. On the other hand, it wasn't as if he was ready to blurt out every concern that he held inside.
Ren noticed how calm he was around the scavenger. As well as the way he feels for her. Rey gave off vibes of serenity that rubbed off on him. It was like she had the ability to tame him. It was as if Rey delivered him a space where all his problems were forgotten and he could be a whole new person he always wanted to be with her. The person he could be with her—it felt all too familiar to be someone completely new. Not just the boy trying to stay in the light or the monster who stole the night. But someone else. Someone who could possibly. . .be both.
Rey, of course, sensed the conflict going through Ren's mind and tried to push through his thoughts to voice hers. "Ben, it's just us," she told him, light as a breath, "you don't have to hide from me."
He scoffed.
A beat later, Ren dropped his tone when he asked, "Does it look like I'm hiding?'
Rey rolled her eyes at his stubbornness. "You know what I meant," she replied, "I'm just telling you that you can take off the mask."
Ren was confused by her demand. He didn't know what Rey was trying to say, since it was obvious enough that he wasn't wearing his mask. He didn't even have one, not any more. So Ren assumed she meant it figuratively.
He turned back around to look at her. "Too late for that. I smashed it in an elevator."
Rey clicked her tongue, twirling a finger in the air as she said, "Okay, I don't think you're wrapping your head around metaphors."
"I know what you meant," he countered, "but last time we had one of these discussions, I dropped my guard and you tried to take advantage of my situation for your own agenda." Ren glanced to the side and pursed his lips before he locked eyes with hers again. "And I thought I was the manipulative one of the pair."
Rey forced herself to not lunge at him. "I swear I won't try this time," she promised him, the only thing she could do to convince him she'll sincerely listen to him.
Lifting a hand to his scalp, Ren ran a hand through his hair, pushing back the thick locks. "Appreciate the effort, scavenger, but you're bad at lying."
Rey lifted a brow, her turn to be confused. No, not confused. . .insulted. She crossed her arms over her chest, begging him to explain how she was 'bad at lying'. "And how would you know?"
Thinking very, very thoroughly about it, the truth came to him in a hard slap to the face. Ren went over his limited memories of her and eventually came to the conclusion that she never actually lied to him.
Rey always been honest with him. She was an open book. He figured that out even when she used the Force to block him from slipping inside her mind when he interrogated her. He knew before they touched hands, when he saw everything she desired. It all reminded him of, well. . .himself.
Ren knew Rey hadn't denied the person she was—she accepted who she was and where she was from. She always kept the truth in the back of her mind. In fact, she only wanted to figure out what it all meant once she discovered this incredible power she beheld. And yet, she wanted more for herself.
He knew the fact that a part of Rey clung to the never ending search for a parental figure that was missing in her life. She still longed for the parents that left her alone on the desert. But the endurance she experienced of finding out it was just her—all flesh and blood. . .Maybe Rey hid it from herself so far away in some dark corner, but he had acknowledged the truth just as much as she had. He had to get her to accept that and it was just bad timing that he had to do it back in the throne room.
Then there was the fact that Rey hadn't lied about wanting him to join her. She proved that part well enough yesterday. What seemed like hours but had only been minutes, he finally spoke up, intentionally feeding her pride. "Because you can't lie, you've never lied. . .not to me."
Rey pursed her lips together and nodded, fully agreeing with him. She knew it just as much as he does. Rey had chosen not to lie to Ren because she shouldn't have to. Though she wasn't so sure if he was the lying type.
"Unlike you."
Ren was taken aback by her response. He was surprised by her turning the question on him whether he had lied to her or not. Of course, he knew he hadn't. Why would he? He might have kept thoughts and feelings inside him but that's because it was personal. Parts of himself he wasn't willing to share with anyone but that didn't mean he lied about it.
Ren narrowed his eyes, staring her down when he asked, "When have I ever lied to you?"
Rey thought about it for herself. She recounted the different situations they've been in, the conversations they've shared. She tried to find a small, short-lived moment he might have hesitated and sounded like he was holding back. But sooner or later, she had to face the fact that he hasn't lied.
Surprisingly. . .
Ren searched her eyes, seeing that they were full of thought. He could sense her mind running on full speed like the First Order and Resistance's fighter pilots battling out in space. And for some reason, in this moment, he wondered how he could become vulnerable because of this small, foreign, and majestic creature that had been hidden from him all his life. Ren knew there was no one around but her to talk to, especially about personal matters.
A part of him deep down inside isn't afraid to admit that maybe. . .he was okay with that. "I know I shouldn't think much about it," he started, deciding to switch the subject knowing she had her answer, "but it. . ."
"Hurts?" Rey offered. "Ben, your father was a great man and he loved you so much." She took a step forward. "He knew that the love he had for you meant something, so he risked his life to save yours."
Ren took a step forward, dropping his chin, eying down at Rey more intensely all of a sudden. He said in a low, yet gentle response, "And look where that got him."
"He believed that you can redeem yourself," Rey explained, trying to get him to see her point, "just as much as I do."
"Maybe that's what I'm trying to get you to understand," Ren snapped, but his tone was unchanged as before, soft yet tensive. "I'm not worth your time."
Is that supposed to be a warning?
Rey balled her hands into fists before she dropped her arms at her sides. She took another step forward and pointed a finger directly at his chest. "You're not worth my patience for one thing," she stated, "but I'll decide how I like to spend my time for myself, thank you very much."
It happened so quickly she couldn't process it until after he did it. Ren flashed her a smirk, the subtle upwards curve of his lips. A sign of satisfaction. A small victory she'd take into consideration if only she weren't uncomfortable by him doing that. It threw her off on a whole other level. If she only knew how much Ren took a liking to her fierceness.
Rey snapped him out of it by asking him straightforward, "What?"
Ren returned to his scowl he wore so much that Rey believed he must've been born with it. "Nothing," he answered, shaking his head. "You really believe that much in me? The monster who murdered his own father? Who tried to his kill his own uncle? Who has murdered hundreds—"
"Okay. . ." Rey chipped, knowing what he was doing.
She shrugged her shoulders, knowing the answer to his questions since Ach-To, where she learned how Kylo Ren was created. Now, she felt like it was a whole different reason she wanted him to turn. But she didn't have an exact answer for that so instead, she sincerely asked him, "Haven't I proven it enough?"
Nothing stopped Ren from wearing that small, sly grin on his face. Similar to the one he's seen his farther give his mother many times when he accepted he lost an argument. He replicated it just for Rey. "You're truly something else," he said, as if he didn't know exactly what she was for himself.
Rey lifted a brow. "What's that supposed to mean?"
Rey stifled a laugh before he explained it to her by his definition, "It means you're not nothing." Then, Rey heard him mumble, "Padawan."
Okay so scavenger, youngling, now padawan? Where is he getting these names from? Are they insults? And if they are, how bad are they?
Still, Ren had a way of making Rey feel like she wasn't nothing despite the abandonment she felt early on in her life. What was worse was the long search for her parents in all those years just to be disappointed. She had to carry that her whole life. And yet, with him, she never had to worry about being no one, belonging to nothing.
Under his eyes, she was someone—whether it was Scavenger or Youngling or even Padawan—and that was all she ever wanted.
To be somebody to someone.
AN: So the last line was a reference to one of my favorite songs. Comment below if you get the reference! The song was a big inspiration while writing this chapter. Don't forget to vote and keep reading, my lovelies! Thank you all!