JENNIE.
It was friday morning, I was sitting on the couch doing my morning reading routine as I noticed Lisa tiptoeing towards the door with attentive eyes scanning around as if she'll be dead if she gets caught. If this were the hunger games? She'll be dead in a minute. What a dork. I thought.
"Where are you going?!" In the midst of the quiet ambiance, I jumped at her in surprise and made my voice loud as I can, she was startled that she almost tumbled to the ground.
"What the f- Jennie! Don't scare me like that!" irritatingly she said with her voice setting in a higher octave than normal. She gained composure.
"Let me guess, you're going to see YOUR GIRLFRIEND?" I asked in capital.
"Oh my God shut up will you?! Are you crazy?! What if mom wakes up!?" She whispered loudly trying to control her sanity as she still attentively scans the area.
"Why? You scared if she finds out you have a girlfriend?" I teased as I emphasized the word girlfriend, making her facial expression more anxious.
"Do you want me to die? I haven't told them yet, I think it's not the right time." She confessed.
"Yeah, whatever." I rolled my eyes before continuing, "Wanna know what I think?" I rebutted with sarcasm, she looked at me in question. "I think you shouldn't be dating my best friend and focus on your studies instead. I can't even remember the last time you had an A grade on your card."
She gave off a sigh and rolled her eyes on me, "First of all, just because I'm your sister and she's your best friend doesn't mean you have the right to choose who we sleep with." She ranted at me, "And second of all, you can't remember the last time I had an A grade because I never really had one."
Her smug personality amazes me at times when I'm in the mood but now, it just pisses me off so much. See how hard-headed Lalisa Manoban is?
"I'm trying my best to be a good sister here! And you're obviously helping me a lot." Sarcasm was so obvious in my tone. "You're saying like me dating Jisoo is a rebellious thing to do when you're doing the same thing with Rosé." she chattered back. "Woah there, I'm not dating Rosé. I just said I like her." I defended, as my pride was gradually raising.
"Well, isn't that the same thing Jennie unnie? You should date who you like." Her words were diminished on a lighter tone but it was so sharp it struck right inside me. "And I thought your feelings for her were highkey, like you always talk about Rosé 24/7. You're obviously so whipped, but I was surprised that you still haven't started a relationship"
But my feelings for her are highkey though, whatever that means. But should I really start a relationship with her just to prove my feelings?
The atmosphere became serious and tensed.
Amidst my silence Lisa continued, "You both like each other, you even kiss, I don't see why you shouldn't date already."
"You know it's not that simple, Lisa. I've never done this before. I've never even imagined myself liking a girl, I'm even scared thinking about that already, what more If I date one?" I stated my side.
"Well, it wasn't also easy for me to realize my feelings for Jisoo but when I had my way, I never stopped. I didn't stop myself, although I had my worries that mom and dad will think that what I'm doing is somewhat childish and definitely shameful, but my feelings for her is stronger, she is the only thing I'm sure about, and I don't want to lose that."
Dammit, my sister's in love. I cursed with worry circulating my thoughts. I noticed her face lit up with adoration towards Jisoo as she spoke.
I envied her. I envied how sure she was with the relationship she has with Jisoo. I envied how she never really cared what others might think of them. I envied her bravery and assurance. I envied her selflessness. I envied everything she can do for love that my coward self can't.
I was silent the whole time, processing all the emotions over me, "Anyways, I think it's too early to be all so dramatic, so let me go ahead and meet my girlfriend. Love you Jen! Bye!"Lisa enthusiastically interrupted my trance and dashed towards the door leaving me blankly staring at the floor.
I know I like Rosé. I like her so much I couldn't end a day without thinking about her. To me, she is the brightest star in the night sky. She is the only perfect thing I could say. She is mysterious, something I couldn't fathom right away. I like Rosé, but is that enough? Is this something I should fight for? Is this something worth it that I could risk changing my identity?
I don't think so. I thought stopping my feelings, again. I can't help myself for being so pessimistic these days. My anxiety just eats me everytime I think of my feelings, that's why I don't evaluate them that often, because I always end up hurting myself from my toxic thoughts.
Timingly, I heard a knock on the door. I quickly opened it without thinking.
I startled myself when I saw Rosé in front of me flashing her drop dead gorgeous smile. My doubts suddenly disappeared, and just like that my mood changed to a better and calmer one. And just like that she switches my whole system up as if I haven't been stressing all my feelings for her. I let her in and closed the door.
"Babe, guess what I have for you?" her face was so excited, and her smile was so radiating in my eyes, I couldn't help but smile too. "You have something for me?" I asked enthusiastically,
She then revealed the book that she was hiding from her back, "Tada! I bought you a Lang Leav classic!" She then grabbed my hands which was resting at the side, and she handed me the book.
"Aww Rosé! But you didn't have to!" I gratefully said while hugging the book, which was Lang Leav's Lullabies. I was so touched by her surprise. I told her for the past weeks that I really wanted to buy atleast one Lang Leav book, but I always end up forgetting about it every other day.
"Jjinja, komawoyo! (고마워)" I tried my best to speak it in the most korean way possible as I gave her a tight hug.
"It's good to know that you're listening to your teacher well." she jokingly said at the way I spoke Korean, I giggled at her reaction.
We let go of our hug, but still Rosé's hands were on my waist and mine were still wrapped around her nape.
We intently stared at each other for a moment, with infinitive smiles on our faces.
"Are you ready for Monday?" She suddenly asked. Now that I've thought of it, I rolled my eyes in distress. "Ugh, yes. School's on monday already. I don't think I'll ever be ready."
Don't get me wrong. I love going to school and studying but the fact that summer just ended swiftly gave me alot of sepanx.
"Yah, what's with the long face? It's our first school year together, you should be excited!" She expressed as she was shaking me in her arms.
"Of course, I am excited. It's just that spending time with you won't be as often as before. Now that school is coming. I think I wanna drag you wherever I'll go in campus." I told her with a pout. "Aww, you really don't want to let go me huh?" She cutely asked. I nodded excessively.
"I want to kiss you so bad right now but I know it'll be inappropriate since your family's here." She smugly confessed with a tone so teasing to my ears. My cheeks started blushing so hard.
I couldn't help myself to be so aroused at the thought of kissing her, I suddenly missed her lips. Her taste. Her touch. Her aroma. Her scent. Her vulnerability.
It took me awhile to realize that I was already leaning closer to her, she stood frozen, "What are you doing, Jennie? We can't-" She warned me in a troubled whisper, but I placed my index finger on her lips. "Sshh. It's okay. We'll keep quiet." I whispered in a seductive way and boom!
I dropped the book and hungrily kissed her. I kissed her so hard. I didn't even know that I could kiss like that. In a snap, the atmosphere became sultry, provocative and overwhelming all at the same time.
I left my every worry into a blur, giving in to the alluring sensation of Rosé's lips.
I positioned my right hand at the back of her head to somehow push her more towards me as I suck her juicy lips. Her hands were gently caressing my waist, I flinched a little under her touches since it always gives me this electrifying feeling. We closed the distance of our bodies.
I was able to drag us to our living room to help increase our privacy without breaking lip contact. The intimacy brewed hotter when she pinned me to the wall. She pinned me hard to the f'cking wall as I moaned under the force of her dominance.
I can't believe we're doing this. I thought as she transferred her lips to the base of my jawline, kissing and sucking it until she moved deeper, passionately kissing the delicate skin of my neck. I tried my best to lower down my moan since mom and dad were still on their bedroom. "Oh god, R-Rosé." I stuttered as I moaned lowly. "You're so hot" I heard Rosé whispered seductively under her heavy pants.
I cupped her face and pulled her back up to reunite our lips. But this time, she bit my lower lip asking for entrance, and I let her in. I let her tongue slid inside my mouth so hard I thought it was going to rip itself apart.
At this pace, we have no plans of stopping this intense makeout session. It's been a while since we shared an intimate moment like this.
But,
"Jennie, are you still there?!" Suddenly a voice coming from the bedroom appeared.
No shit. Mom's awake. I cursed in my thoughts.
We quickly removed our lips as we looked at each other in panic. The erotic feeling we shared turned into agitation.
"Fix your hair." I prompted Rosé as she nodded. And in ten seconds, we did our best to fix ourselves trying to look like we haven't sucked each other up. My panic resurfaced as I heard the footsteps drawing nearer to the living room.
"Good morning, Mom!" I was barely managing to control my heavy breathing.
My mom naturally gave off this questionable expression towards us. "Uhm, good morning (?)" She responded as she placed her hands on her waist. There was an awkward moment where the three of us just stared at each other.
"Oh, mom by the way. This is Rosé, my friend." I pointed Rosé as she moved forward to give my mom a handshake. "It's nice to meet you Mrs. Manoban." Rosé flashed a warm smile at my mom amidst her nervousness.
"It's nice to meet you too. Perhaps, are you the new family who moved in next door?" Mom asked out in curiosity.
"Ah, yes. That's me-I mean, that's us. The new family." Rosé excessively nodded trying her best to not make the situation more awkward.
"She needs to go now. Right Rosé?" I signaled her a look that it was the time to escape.
"Already? But I want to know the person who's making my Jennie busy these days though." Mom prompted. Rosé and I shared a shocked look.
Our eye conversation went like
She knows?!
I didn't know that she knew about you.
No like, does she know we're not that kind of friends?
I don't know, I haven't told her anything though.
Oh, okay. Then let me get out of here.
I nodded with my eyes. It's funny how we can communicate like this. It's weird but effective.
"Maybe next time, Mom." I quickly dodged the conversation and grabbed Rosé by the wrist.
"Yeah, I'm sorry Mrs. Manoban but I'm in a hurry. Maybe next time." Rosé further explained as she followed me to the door. "Well, okay then. Make sure to visit often, okay?" Mom finally let go of the conversation. Rosé replied with a nod and smile.
As we approach near the door, I immediately picked up Rosé's surprise gift for me which was left on the floor. I opened the door for her to exit, "I'm sorry that happened." I apologized with a pout.
"Don't be. I enjoyed it. So much." She gave me a playful wink and lifted my chin up. She looked around trying to check the area if it was empty before planting a goodbye kiss on my lips. "Thank you for the gift. I'll make sure to read it." I said as I gave her a gummy smile.
We said our goodbyes. I watched Rosé enter her house before I could close the door. I blushed as I replayed the scenario that happened awhile ago. Damn, I'm whipped. I thought.
...
It was Saturday. It was already freaking Saturday!
I was dragging myself to SU to attend my Korean Class, I woke up this morning with a heavy feeling on my back that I couldn't even manage to make breakfast on my own. I was the laziest woman in that time but luckily mom was at home to cook me breakfast.
"Aren't you late for Korean Class?" Mom asked as she was washing the dishes. I was in front of her eating my breakfast. "Yeah, I don't know... I feel so lazy today, mom." I said with no pinch of enthusiasm in my voice.
"Why all of a sudden? I've never seen you being lazy ever since you started hanging out with that new neighbour of ours. What was her name again?" She asks. I answered and said her name was Rosé.
"Oh yeah, Rosé. Did you two had a fight? Maybe that's why you're lazy today." Mom theorized.
I choked while I was in the middle of swallowing my food, I coughed so loud at that time while feeling amused.
I grabbed a glass full of water and drank it. "Woah, don't tell me you forgot how to eat properly, Jennie." Mom said in a sarcastic tone with a pinch of worry.
"No. It's just, I never thought Rosé would be the basis of my laziness now." I answered like it was a pathetic thing to say. "Why not? I see how happy you are being with her." she directly replied. And just like that my overthinking skills went overdrive.
My insides were panicking, I suddenly had no appetite. What if she finds out that we're not that kind of friends? What would she think of me?
"I hope you keep on having friends like, how do you say that again? - Rosé?" mom continued, I nodded as an answer, still holding my breath. "Yes Rosé. That girl has this effect on you. You've noticed that right?" She smiled while asking, it eased me a bit knowing that my friendship with Rosé is bringing out the best of me.
"Yeah. I think." I nodded weakly in agreement.
I ended my reminisce of what happened this morning as I opened the book that Rosé gave to me yesterday. I'm inside the classroom now, since the teacher hasn't arrived, yet I decided to read a few pages of the book.
And I read an excerpt from the book that gave shivers through my spine.
"My indecision. I wanted everything because I didn't want anything enough.
Then I met you and it changed me. For once in my life, there was something I wanted. So much."
- Lang Leav
Rose is something I want. So much. But could I afford to change myself or have I changed myself already without even noticing?