"I begin now to understand you all, except Miss Price," said Miss Crawford, as she was walking with the Mr. Bertrams. "Pray, is she out, or is she not? I am puzzled. She dined at the Parsonage, with the rest of you, which seemed like being out; and yet she says so little, that I can hardly suppose she is."
Edmund, to whom this was chiefly addressed, replied, "I believe I know what you mean, but I will not undertake to answer the question. My cousin is grown up. She has the age and sense of a woman, but the outs and not outs are beyond me."
[Chapter 5, Mansfield Park, by Jane Austen]
For girls who lived in certain social spheres, there was a point in their life where they officially entered society. This was commonly known as being Out. Coming out, or being "brought out" marked the time when a young woman moved from being a child to an adult; specifically an adult who was now ready to get married.
It was the point at which a parent would take her daughter on social visits with friends and neighbours during the day, and they would be invited to dinners and evening parties at night, allowing the girls to mingle with those who were of similar status, and meet socially acceptable gentlemen.
This only applied to young women whose families were part of the wealthy middle classes, the gentry, clergy and those in the highest levels of society.
There was no fixed age for when a girl came out. The decision was down to her parents or guardians. For those families who lived in the countryside it could be a relaxed event, while among the peerage the decision to bring a daughter out would have to be planned in advance, often timed to coincide with the beginning of the social season.
By the latter half of the 19th century, a girl would be introduced into society between the ages of eighteen and twenty, but at the beginning of the century the common age range was between sixteen and eighteen. In Pride and Prejudice, Lydia Bennet is already out, even though she isn't yet sixteen. However, in Mansfield Park Fanny Price doesn't attend her first ball until she's eighteen. Whatever her age, until a girl begins to socialise with her neighbours she would never be thought of as "out":
"I must be satisfied about Miss Price. Does she go to balls? Does she dine out every where, as well as at my sister's?"
"No," replied Edmund; "I do not think she has ever been to a ball. My mother seldom goes into company herself, and dines nowhere but with Mrs. Grant, and Fanny stays at home with her."
"Oh! then the point is clear. Miss Price is not out."
[Chapter 5, Mansfield Park, by Jane Austen]
In England, the word Debutante originally referred to a young actress making her debut, or first appearance on stage.
It wasn't until 1817 that the word was used to describe a young lady making her first formal appearance in society, and applied particularly to daughters of peers who had been presented at court. The earliest example I found in print dates from 1821:
"It is Habit that takes away their relish from the luxuries of the rich, and makes the coarse fare of the peasant palatable and sweet; that renders the cloister pleasant to the once weeping nun, the ball room insipid to the once raptured debutante."
[The New Monthly Magazine, vol 2., pub 1821]
Out or not out?
"...in general, nothing can be more easily ascertained. The distinction is so broad. Manners as well as appearance are, generally speaking, so totally different. Till now, I could not have supposed it possible to be mistaken as to a girl's being out or not. A girl not out has always the same sort of dress: a close bonnet, for instance; looks very demure, and never says a word. You may smile, but it is so, I assure you; and except that it is sometimes carried a little too far, it is all very proper. "
[Chapter 5, Mansfield Park, by Jane Austen]
In Jane Austen's own words, a young girl who is not yet out "should be quiet and modest"; neither drawing attention to herself nor trying to be the centre of attention. Her dress would be plain, befitting a schoolgirl, and she would often wear her hair down and loose, or in a simple style suitable for a child. While her parents attended fashionable entertainments and dinners with neighbours, a girl who was not yet out would usually be left at home in the care of servants or a governess. She could sit down to family dinners, and entertain friends her own age, but she would not be allowed to attend dinner parties, either in her own home or those of neighbours.
Once a girl was out in society, her appearance and attitude would change to match her new circumstances and she should be more confident when speaking in social situations. A mother would dress her daughter in fashionable clothing, if she could afford it, providing a wardrobe of dresses suitable for day and evening visiting, and her hair would be pinned up in one of the latest styles.
The change from being not out to being out must have been startling enough for Jane Austen to illustrate the point so clearly:
"When Anderson first introduced me to his family, about two years ago, his sister was not out, and I could not get her to speak to me. I sat there an hour one morning waiting for Anderson, with only her and a little girl or two in the room, the governess being sick or run away, and the mother in and out every moment with letters of business, and I could hardly get a word or a look from the young lady-- nothing like a civil answer--she screwed up her mouth, and turned from me with such an air! I did not see her again for a twelvemonth. She was then out. I met her at Mrs. Holford's, and did not recollect her. She came up to me, claimed me as an acquaintance, stared me out of countenance; and talked and laughed till I did not know which way to look."
[Chapter 5, Mansfield Park, by Jane Austen]
It was important for parents, governesses and chaperones to maintain a clear line between a girl who was out and one who was not out, as even the gentlemen of the time found it difficult to recognise one from the other. This could cause some embarrassment, as Tom Bertram later describes:
"When we reached Albion Place they were out; we went after them, and found them on the pier: Mrs. and the two Miss Sneyds, with others of their acquaintance. I made my bow in form; and as Mrs. Sneyd was surrounded by men, attached myself to one of her daughters, walked by her side all the way home, and made myself as agreeable as I could; the young lady perfectly easy in her manners, and as ready to talk as to listen. I had not a suspicion that I could be doing anything wrong. They looked just the same: both well-dressed, with veils and parasols like other girls; but I afterwards found that I had been giving all my attention to the youngest, who was not out, and had most excessively offended the eldest."
[Chapter 5, Mansfield Park, by Jane Austen]
The Ins and Outs of multiple daughters
"Are any of your younger sisters out, Miss Bennet?"
"Yes, Ma'am, all.'"
"All! -- What, all five out at once? Very odd! -- And you only the second. -- The younger ones out before the elder are married!"
[Chapter 29, Pride & Prejudice by Jane Austen]
In a family with more than one daughter it was not unusual for the eldest to be brought out first, leaving the younger daughters in the schoolroom to wait their turn. Although that might seem unfair to the younger ones, there were good reasons for them to wait.
Bringing a daughter out into society wasn't cheap. Buying them a whole adult wardrobe, with accessories, could be a costly exercise, and some families couldn't afford to buy all the necessary clothes for two or more daughters at the same time.
Once the eldest daughter married, her new husband's friends and relations would widen the social circle for her younger siblings, improving their chances at finding a husband.
However, if the eldest daughter did not find a man she wished to marry, or who wished to marry her, it limited her younger sisters' from being able to enter society and enjoy themselves. This was the reason Elizabeth Bennet gave to Lady Catherine for why all her sisters were out at once:
"I think it would be very hard upon younger sisters, that they should not have their share of society and amusement because the elder may not have the means or inclination to marry early. -- The last born has as good a right to the pleasures of youth, as the first. And to be kept back on such a motive! -- I think it would not be very likely to promote sisterly affection or delicacy of mind.''
Another reason why younger sisters were held back was due to their position within the family. Precedence meant that older sisters came before younger sisters, but married sisters stood above unmarried sisters, and this priority affected things like who sat down to dinner first, and how they were introduced to new acquaintances.
This distinction might seem petty to us today, but back then a sister's position in the family was important to her, and an older sister would not like to see a younger one go above her because she was now married...particularly not if, like Lydia Bennet, the younger one was content to gloat:
"Elizabeth could bear it no longer. She got up, and ran out of the room; and returned no more, till she heard them passing through the hall to the dining parlour. She then joined them soon enough to see Lydia, with anxious parade, walk up to her mother's right hand, and hear her say to her eldest sister, "Ah! Jane, I take your place now, and you must go lower, because I am a married woman.""
[Chapter 51, Pride & Prejudice by Jane Austen]
By allowing an older sister the chance to marry before the younger one came out, it would avoid this uncomfortable situation. If the older sister had not found a husband within a year or two, it would then be fair for the next eldest to be given her opportunity.
However, there was no firm rule that sisters could not all be out at once. Like many other situations, it depended on the circumstances and personalities of each individual family.
Coming Out in High Society
Outside London, among the gentry classes, it would have been cheaper for parents to bring a daughter out, because there were lower expectations when it came to dressing in the height of fashion. The Bennet sisters in Pride and Prejudice were able to socialise with their neighbours, attending card parties, assemblies and balls, but with Mr. Bennet's income they wouldn't have been able to afford the cost of a season in London.
However, the daughters and granddaughters of peers and the wealthiest gentry living near London could enter the glittering world of London's Haut ton.
Wealthy families saw a London season as an investment, as their daughters would be socialising with the most eligible bachelors. A woman's social status came from her husband, and a season in town would provide a greater opportunity to find a wealthy, well connected or titled husband.
A number of young ladies would also have been presented at court, which required the huge expense of a court dress—something only the wealthiest of families could afford. However, presentation at court was not a requirement for a young girl to enter society, and the opportunity was only available to those in some way connected with the peerage.
Becoming an Old Maid
"The whole family, in short, were properly overjoyed on the occasion. The younger girls formed hopes of coming out a year or two sooner than they might otherwise have done; and the boys were relieved from their apprehension of Charlotte's dying an old maid."
[Chapter 22, Pride & Prejudice by Jane Austen]
For most young women of the gentry and peerage, their main focus in life was to marry in order to secure their financial future. If a woman did not marry, and had no independent income of her own, she would become a burden on her family.
In Pride and Prejudice, Charlotte was twenty-seven when Mr. Collins proposed. Given her age and situation, it's understandable that she accepted his offer, despite not being in love with him. Her brothers were relieved because they would have been the ones most likely to provide their oldest sister with a home, or at least an allowance, if she had not married.
In Persuasion, the twenty-nine year old Elizabeth Elliot was fully aware that her chances of getting married were dwindling rapidly, and she was approaching her "years of danger":
"Thirteen winters' revolving frosts had seen her opening every ball of credit which a scanty neighbourhood afforded, and thirteen springs shewn their blossoms, as she travelled up to London with her father, for a few weeks' annual enjoyment of the great world. She had the remembrance of all this, she had the consciousness of being nine-and-twenty to give her some regrets and some apprehensions; she was fully satisfied of being still quite as handsome as ever, but she felt her approach to the years of danger, and would have rejoiced to be certain of being properly solicited by baronet-blood within the next twelvemonth or two."
[Chapter 1, Persuasion by Jane Austen]
In December 1805 Augusta Byron, a month away from her twenty-third birthday, received the following advice from her half-brother:
"I hope your everlasting negotiation with the Father of your Intended is near a conclusion in some manner; if you do not hurry a little, you will be verging into the "Vale of Years," and, though you may be blest with Sons and daughters, you will never live to see your Grandchildren."
[Letter from Lord Byron to his sister Augusta, 26th December 1805]
"Vale of Years" was from Shakespeare's Othello, meaning that Byron thought she was heading towards old age! She eventually married the same man (her cousin, George Leigh) in 1807, aged 24.
Many parents were worried that their daughters would not find a husband and be left with no one to care for them after they had died. In a posthumous book of fatherly advice, Dr. Gregory offered the following explanation to his daughters:
"You must not think from this, that I do not wish you to marry. On the contrary, I am of opinion, that you may attain a superior degree of happiness in a married state, to what you can possibly find in any other. I know the forlorn and unprotected situation of an old maid, the chagrin and peevishness which are apt to infect their tempers, and the great difficulty of making a transition, with dignity and cheerfulness, from the period of youth, beauty, admiration, and respect, into the calm, silent, unnoticed retreat of declining years."
[A Father's Legacy to his Daughters, by the late Dr. Gregory of Edinburgh, pub 1808]
The term Old Maid dated from the early 16th century, and referred specifically to a woman who remains unwed past the usual marrying age. By the early 19th century, a young woman wouldn't usually worry about becoming an old maid until she had at least passed her 26th birthday, as the average age for a first marriage was around 22 years for the bride.
If a woman did not marry, and had no family who were prepared to give her a home when her parents died, she would have to find employment. The most acceptable occupations for an unmarried woman was as a paid companion or a governess.
Where a woman did have an independent income, then there was less pressure on her to marry. For some it would have been more beneficial to remain single than marry someone they did not like. Jane Austen covered just this situation in "Emma":
"But still, you will be an old maid! and that's so dreadful!"
"Never mind, Harriet, I shall not be a poor old maid; and it is poverty only which makes celibacy contemptible to a generous public! A single woman, with a very narrow income, must be a ridiculous, disagreeable old maid! the proper sport of boys and girls, but a single woman, of good fortune, is always respectable, and may be as sensible and pleasant as any body else."
Saying someone was at her last prayers was another way of calling them an old maid. This was a term dating from the 17th century. Although it's a commonly used phrase in historical fiction, I've only found one contemporary reference from the period, and then it was spoken by a lower class character:
"I don't desarve this of you, William: But I'm rightly sarved for being such an easy fool. You think, mayhap, I'm in my last prayers, but you may find yourself mistaken."
[Rosina: A comic opera in two acts, by Mrs Brooke, pub 1809].
There were also a few slang words, meaning the same thing, which would certainly not have been suitable for polite society.
Ape Leader was found in Shakespeare's Taming of the Shrew. In "Blackguardiana; or, a Dictionary of rogues, bawds ... &c", by James Caulfield, pub 1793 the definition was given as:
"...an old maid, their punishment after death for neglecting to encrease and multiply, will be, it is said, leading apes in hell."
Two other words in the same book, synonymous with old maid was Thornback and Tabby. The latter may come from the fact that old women (particularly unmarried ones) were often compared to cats, while both may relate to an old association between unmarried women and witches.
A Young Man's entrance into Society
This was a much more relaxed affair, as a young man between the ages of seventeen and twenty-one, enjoying his first taste of Regency society, would not be thinking about getting married.
His experiences within the male social environment might have begun while he was at university, or learning to manage his family's estate. Young officers in the armed forces would have also taken their first steps in society while surrounded by their peers. As well as enjoying balls and parties, they would also have attended various sporting events and been introduced to hard drinking, gambling and maybe even courtesans or prostitutes.
They were expected to enjoy themselves, and would never be thought of as marriage material at such a young age.
Those eighteen year old girls, newly out and looking for a husband would rarely consider a young man standing on the lowest rungs of his chosen career, or living off an allowance from his parents. Even a wealthy young man would be under the supervision of his parents or guardians before he reached twenty-one, or the age of majority.
The targets of the marriage-minded were those who already had a secure profession behind them, or were heirs to an estate and title; if they had already succeeded to that title then all the better.
This is one reason why the average age of men at marriage was twenty-eight.
A young man, new to town, might be called a Cub. In the Lexicon Balatronicum (pub. 1811) this was defined as: "an unformed, ill-educated young man, or a new gamester." He might also be described as Green, or "young, inexperienced, unacquainted, ignorant."
In modern Regency romance novels the inexperienced young man or woman is often described as requiring a little Town Bronze, which meant they needed a bit of social polish, or experience in high society.
"Phoebe would never be a beauty, but when she was prettily dressed, and not afraid of incurring censure every time she unclosed her lips, she was quite a taking little thing. A touch of town-bronze was needed, but she would soon acquire that."
[Sylvester, or the Wicked Uncle, pub. 1957 By Georgette Heyer]
This phrase is believed to have been first used by Georgette Heyer, and so far I've been unable to find a contemporary example in early 19th century literature.
[Image: Portrait of Elizabeth Broadhead (born 1801) painted in 1818, possibly to mark her "coming out" in society. In 1823, aged around 22 years, she married George Dashwood. (then aged 33) They became Lord and Lady Dashwood when he succeeded to his father's baronetcy in 1849. ]
Edited: to add details of Lord Byron's comment to his sister.
Edited to add a quote from Dr. Gregory