REN'S POV
Tyler pushes me up against the wall, his shirtless torso pressed against mine. I grip strands of his hair as we share a heated kiss. It's finally happening tonight.
"I've waited so long for this, Ren." He mumbles before sucking my neck harshly and I let out a strained moan.
Tyler said he'd wait for me, however long it took me before I was ready to try again. I told him I'd be ready tonight. What better night to lose your virginity than New Year's Eve? Right?
He doesn't know I'm a virgin. When we first started talking, I lied to him and just said it's been a while since my last time.
In actuality, sex has been something I've been scared of my entire life. I didn't know if I'd ever be ready but Tyler makes me feel like I am. Despite the fact that he can be a royal asshole sometimes, he's the only guy who hasn't truly hurt me in my life.
With my trust and commitment issues, no one has ever gotten close to me. I wouldn't let them. Tyler is no exception.
I guess I do kinda like him but I'm not ready to let myself be fully open with him. We've only known each other for three months.
He hasn't said he loves me, although It doesn't bother me. I'm not one of those girls that needs to be loved or love someone to have sex, but I do need trust and I'm sure I have that with him.
Even though I feel a little unsure about this whole thing, I've convinced myself that I can't be a virgin at 20 anymore. It's time to get it over with and to face my fear... not just of pain but everything else.
Besides, Tyler's been pushing this for the whole three months we've been seeing each other.
"Just... be gentle. That's all I want." I tell him seriously as I push him onto his back on the bed.
Tyler's been with girls before, a lot of them. He is far more experienced in the field than I am. I've tried not to let it bother me, or scare me but I can't help it.
I don't want him to treat me like every other girl. I don't want him to have high expectations of what I might be like in bed. To be honest, I'm terrified of what will happen once he buries himself inside me.
The fear of pain from my past is threatening my sex life. He doesn't know about my past. Something inside me won't let me tell him about what I've been through. That's something I may or may not tell him in the future.
I ignore his painful grip on my waist as I take off my demin jacket and slide my shirt over my head. I ignore the bile coming up my throat as he licks down my neck.
Don't think about it. Just don't think about it. Don't let it ruin this moment.
He flips us over, hovering above me. I shut my eyes and ignore every signal in my head that's telling me to push him off me and scream.
What is wrong with me? I thought I was past this. Can't things run smoothly this time?
My breathing rate increases harshly from fear as he clasps my wrists and pushes my hands above my head, restricting my movements. I try to shake off the uneasy feeling I get as he slips his tongue in my mouth.
He takes both my wrists in one hand, his other travels down the bare skin of my chest and into the front of my underwear.
Don't think about it. Stop thinking about it, Ren.
As soon as his fingers begin to rub me, I feel like I might be sick. I don't feel pleasure at all like I thought I might after all these years. I feel like an object.
His lips go to my neck, attacking my skin as he sucks. I feel him planting a painful hickey, tears form in my eyes and I can't take it anymore. It's too much too handle at once.
"Stop." I say urgently but due to my quietness, he doesn't hear me. He keeps moving his fingers and I finally gain volume in my voice. "Tyler, get off me!"
He removes his fingers and gives me a glare. What? I thought he'd be okay with me telling him to stop.
"Fucking hell!" He exclaims, startling me.
He gets off me immediately, releasing his grip on my wrists. He throws on his shirt and starts pacing around his small room. I cautiously stand and slide my clothes back on and button up my jeans. What's wrong with him?
"Are you kidding me right now?" I ask in disbelief. I cross my arms over my chest. Of course he's mad after the third time. What did I expect? For him to kiss me passionately and tell me he'd wait for me to be ready?
"You're like this every time. Every fucking time we get a little close sex. I just want to make you feel good, Ren. Stop being such a fucking prude!" He yells at me, showing his true colours.
I knew he might be upset that I stopped it but I didn't think he'd become a douchebag.I feel a pang in my chest at his tone and his anger. He doesn't give a shit about me, does he?
We've tried having sex two times before today. Both times, I freaked out. Both times, Tyler reacted calmly, telling me he'll wait and that he was sorry we forced it.
What makes this time different? Is the third time the final straw for him? Is he tired of waiting?
"I thought I was ready. Forgive me for at least trying!" I spit back at him but he scoffs.
"What the hell is the wrong with you?!"
I see the vein in his neck pop out in anger and for the first time in three months I'm scared of him. Expect the unexpected with Tyler. He's so bipolar.
"I'm a virgin, Tyler." I blurt out quietly and he furrows his eyebrows. He stares at me, almost in disgust at my comment.
"Jesus fucking christ. Of course you are." He flicks his hand at me in an annoyed matter and I'm appalled by his reaction. He's never been like this before.
"Be fucking flattered that I even considered giving you my virginity!" I walk in front of him,screaming in his face as I punch his chest, finally feeling confidence spark within me.
I don't deserve this, especially not from him. I thought he was different.
"Fuck off, Ren. I don't want your virginity." He grits his teeth and I feel a thousand knives cut through me.
This can't be happening. What happened to the gentle Tyler? What snapped inside him that caused him to be acting like a dick?
"Were you just sticking around until you got what you wanted?" I ask insecurely.
I'm scared to hear the answer even though I can already guess what it is.
"Well, what do you know. Not only do you have your virginity but you also have a brain." He sneers.
How was I so blind? How could I actually give this fuckboy a chance? He's just like every other boy out there.
How could I be so dumb to believe he sincerely waited for me out of respect? He just wanted to get into my pants.
It scares me to think I really don't know him. He's not who I thought he was, not even close. Turns out he's been lying and manipulating me this whole time.
I can't help the slap I give him, reddening the skin on his cheek and I immediately regret it. Who knows what Tyler is capable of in this current mood of his?
His hands clasp my wrists and he backs me up against the wall. My back collides with the wall harshly and I feel the wind getting knocked out of me. I expect him to slap me in return but he doesn't. He leans his head close, lowering his voice.
"I guess I'm glad I fucked that redhead last weekend then." He says lowly in my ear.
I feel tears sting my eyes. A large lump forms in my throat. This fucker cheated on me. God I was wrong about him. So fucking wrong. How could I be so naive?
"Aw, is Ren going to cry?" He snickers and I bite my lip, struggling to set my wrists free. "Cry, baby girl. Go on."
"Fuck you." I say with emphasise.
He chuckles, shaking his head. "You can't, remember?" He taunts and I feel my blood boil.
I lift my leg up, hitting his junk with my knee as hard as I can. He grunts, letting go of my wrists and doubling over in pain. I push him back harshly and he falls on the ground.
"I hope you fucking burn in hell, you cunt!" I shout at him, leaving his shitty room and exiting his apartment.
I'm met with the cold wind of New York as I stalk down the sidewalk, wanting to be as far away from him as possible. Hot tears slide down my cheeks.
I feel violated. I feel absolutely broken. I can't believe I was actually about to have my first time with that scum.
For some reason, this makes me want to wait for the right person. I didn't believe in finding the right person to lose your virginity to until now.
As fucked up as it sounds, Tyler opened my eyes. All it took was for him to scream in my face, verbally abuse me and cheat on me to realise I deserve better. I deserve loyalty, respect and patience.
Tyler is nothing I deserve. He's a slimy douchebag who didn't care about me in the slightest.
I let out a deep breath to calm myself down and I see my breathe swirl in the coldness in front of me.
I guess I'm spending New Year's Eve alone.