Allie
I cried hard the whole afternoon, until the sun finally set, even when the stars started twinkling across the enormous dark, expanding sky. I tried stopping myself from crying but my heart says I needed it to remove the weight inside my chest.
It didn’t work though, because as I cry, the depression just weighed down and turned into something intense. I feel worse.
Hindi ko inaasahan na masasaktan ako sa nakita ko, mas lalo pang sumakit dahil ako ang may gawa kung bakit siya nasaktan. When I saw Arron after ending my call with Gian, para akong nakakita ng multo. He looked as astounded as me. Just from the look on his face, I could tell that he heard everything.
The accusation embarked on his face, the cruel and cold stare that he casted upon me. I know he didn’t want to believe it. I saw it in his eyes, how he wanted me to prove him wrong–that what he heard wasn’t true but I just couldn’t do it anymore.
Kung dati, hindi ko kayang maatim na masaktan si Dominic–ngayon, dumoble ang sakit na naramdaman ko nung nakita ko ang pangingiusap sa mga mata ni Arron.
His accusation… It lashed my heart. Hindi ko inaakala na masakit pala kapag sa kanya mismo nanggaling ang bagay na iyon. Gusto ko ipaliwanag ang lahat, gusto ko malaman niya ang buong istorya–but I need us to stop. I need to stop complicating things. It was too late when I realized that, pero mas mabuti na naputol na agad habang hindi pa malala.
He deserved to know the truth. Even Dominic deserves to know the truth but I don’t have the guts to give them that. Arron was right. I’m a coward. The whole reason why I couldn’t break up with Dominic is because I was afraid.
Terrified.
Mahina ako masyado.
Nung sinigawan na ako ni Arron ay hindi ko na napigilan ang sarili ko mula sa pag-iyak. Hindi lang ako naiyak dahil nasasaktan ako, pero tumulo ang luha ko dahil nasasaktan ako para sa kanya. How Arron looked when he tried to stop his tears, pretending that he wasn’t in verge of crying.
Right there, I wanted to reach my arms to him and give him a tight and warm hug. That exact moment, I wanted him to know that I was starting to feel the same way–or started, I’m not yet certain because I was still as confused as before.
Nung mga oras na umiiyak ako, gusto ko isigaw sa kanya kung ano ang gusto ko noong oras na iyon. Na gusto kong yakapin niya ako ng mahigpit at sabihin na magiging okay rin ang lahat. But I didn’t have the guts say anything to him, I just told him that I was sorry and left because I am a coward. I ran away from him when all I wanted to do is run to his way, not the other way around. I wasn’t able to hug him either. Kahit na gustong-gusto ko.
I was scared that if I hugged him right there, that exact moment, I won’t be able to let go.
Kaya ginawa ko na lang ang palagi kong ginagawa–ang bagay kung saan ako magaling at bihasa. I walked out on him, leaving him alone to deal with his own mind. Nakasalubong ko ang kaibigan ni Arron na si Trent. He asked if I was okay. I badly wanted to say yes, gusto kong sumagot pero hindi ko magawang lokohin ang sarili ko, I think the tears falling across my cheeks gave away the answer.
Nung araw na iyon, hindi ko na inisip kung saan ako pupunta. All I know is, I’m running. And that’s what I want to do, to keep on running–away from everything. Away from the pain.
Hindi pa rin tumitigil ang pagbagsak ng mga luha ko at alam kong pinagtitinginan na ako ng mga tao but I just continued on my hurried pace. Hindi ko alam kung nakalayo na ako sa building kung saan ako nanggaling pero napasinghap na lang ako nang bigla akong nabunggo sa isang katawan.
My lips parted as I almost fell backwards, I was waiting for my back to hit the ground when an arm slid on my back and a strong hand gripped on my arm to balance me, keeping me from falling.
Huminto ang pagtulo ng mga luha ko sa sobrang pagkagulat. I opened my teary eyes and gasped when I saw Dominic’s face in front of mine. Nakita ko ang pagkahalo ng gulat at pag-aalalala sa buong mukha niya.
“Are you okay?” Dominic asked and that’s when I started bursting into tears again.
“Dom.” I cooed, Dominic’s face transformed into worry. He looked like he doesn’t know what to do with me or how to stop me from crying but he pulled me against him and I gladly wrapped my arms around his body.
Isiniksik ko ang mukha ko sa dibdib niya at hinigit siya papalapit sa akin. The sobs coming from my mouth turned worse as my tears continuously poured out. My lips, trembling so badly.
Hindi tama na umiiyak ako ng ganito sa harapan ni Dominic lalo na at ibang lalake ang dahilan pero hindi ko lang talaga mapigilan ang sarili kong luha sa pagtulo nito.
The pain–it was all too much.
Naramdaman ko ang puso ko na parang ipinagulong sa basag na salamin. The shards of glass, pricking into my heart until it started to bleed. My heart beat was slowly fading in my ears. Iniisip ko pa lang na nasasaktan si Arron ngayon dahil sa akin ay mas lalong nadadagdagan ang sugat sa puso ko.
Why am I this affected?
I wish it was just guilt. I wish it was nothing but pity. I wish I could make myself believe that I had no other reason to be affected. But I already know what I feel, I just want to keep on denying it because it will only bring nothing but complication, another mess to add to the situation that I was currently in.
“I’m sorry, Dominic. I’m so sorry.” I cried with my face still buried on his chest. I flexed my fingers and gripped on his shirt, pulling him closer to me. Our bodies, pressed against each other.
“It’s okay, Allie. I’m sorry too. I should have not walked out on you like that. It was childish of me.” he murmured on the top of my head. Dominic thought the reason I was crying is because of our recent fight. Bigla naman akong nilamon ng guilt.
I was Dominic’s girlfriend, and here I am, crying for another guy. What’s worse is, our fight somehow got lost in my mind. Mas iniyakan ko pa ang nangyari sa amin ni Arron kaysa sa pag-aaway na nangyari sa amin ni Dominic, na siya pang sarili kong boyfriend. The person that I swore I’ll always love.
I’m the most terrible person that have ever existed.
“I love you.” my heart fluttered when Dominic whispered it in my ear. My body stilled and I caught my breath. Nakadilat ang mga mata ko at hindi ko na sinubukan pang gumalaw. My tears were still falling but I suddenly felt numb.
He told me he loves me and maybe I should have said something but I ended up saying none.
The dull hole inside my chest feels more uncomfortable than the pain that I experienced in the prior. That’s how I’ve been feeling since that day, funny how the word isn’t right because I wasn’t feeling anything at all. It had been a week, a week without Arron–like what happened the past weeks never really happened at all. I was back being with Dominic, back to how we were before, back to how I should be happy and in love with him but I really wasn’t.
I was still stuck with yesterday and I don’t know if I’ll ever give myself a chance to move on.
The scheme that Arron and I had plotted was clearly forgotten. Everyone stopped whispering about Arron and I. No one mentioned a single rumor about me and Dominic breaking up.
I was empty.
Tuwing may klase kami ni Arron, ginagawa ko ang lahat ng makakaya ko para iwasan siya. I never looked at his way–not even throwing a single glance even if I was tempted to do it. It was like he was there but he wasn’t. Because I wasn’t looking.
The stupid and amusing thing is, kahit hindi ko siya nakikita ay hindi ko maitanggi na lagi ko pa rin siyang naiisip. Whenever I’m alone, whenever I’m with Dominic. Maraming bagay sa akin na nagpapaalala kay Arron.
I miss him.
So badly that I ache.
My heart craves for his presence, my soul weeps for his absence. It wasn’t right. It was wrong for me to feel that way but it certainly feels like it was a right thing to do. Blame my heart for having such poor assessment.
Bigla kong naalala kung paano ako sinubukan lapitan ni Arron the other day. Halos kumirot ang puso ko sa bawat imahe na nabubuo sa utak ko nung ipinagtulakan ko siyang palayo sa akin. It has been two days ago since it happened but it was still fresh in my mind like it just happened a moment ago instead of two.
“Allie.” biglang tumalon ang puso ko nang marinig ko ang boses niya. I missed hearing my name from his lips. My name didn’t shout the word exceptional. It was plain. Too ordinary for anyone’s liking. Pero kapag si Arron ang nagsasabi ng pangalan ko, pakiramdam ko yun na ang pinakamagandang pangalan sa buong mundo.
It’s like how he usually makes me feel. Like I was the mosty exceptional girl in the world. Whenever he looks at me, I feel incomparable. He smiles at me like I’m the only person that he sees. Just for thinking such things, it was obvious how deep I was in.
“Stay away from me, Arron.” I was instantly proud of how fierce and firm I sounded. I quickened my pace but he was able to follow without any difficulty.
“Allie.” tinawag niya ulit ang pangalan ko, but this time sinabayan niya ito ng paghawak sa braso ko. I was stopped from walking, my body being thrown back because of how Arron pulled my arm. Hindi naman masakit pero nabigla ako.
“Ano ba, Arron?!” I snapped my arm away from him but I wasn’t successful. “I told you our deal was over. Ayaw ko na.”
“Ayaw mo na?” tanong nito at umiling-iling ako sa kanya.
Tinitigan ako ni Arron at parang nanlambot naman ang buong katawan ko sa mga titig niya. Ngayon ko lang ulit siya nakita ng malapitan. The effect he has on me has doubled, that I can attest to.
“Bakit ganon, Allie? Ako gusto ko pa. Gustong-gusto ko pa.” my heart began to prepare itself to soar off my chest. My stomach flipped at the way the words drawled from his chest.
I didn’t want to act like I was affected. This was a mistake. A terrible, you-know-you’ll-regret-this kind of mistake. So I kept my façade. “That’s your problem then.” umirap ako dito at matapos ay lalakad ulit sana pero hinatak niya ulit ako pabalik.
“You felt something too. You want me. You like it whenever I’m around. You like it when my attention is all on you. You like how I look at you. You like everything that I do to you, even if annoys you sometime. You want me.” my heart beat raced but I ignored it even if it was all over my ears.
I shook my head. “You’re wrong.”
His eyes flashed disappointment but I stand my ground. I was doing good so far and ruining it won’t help. Arron’s jaw clenched as he tried to contain his anger. He was mad at me because I denied him. I don’t want him to be mad at me but at the same time, I need him to be mad at me. I need him to be resent me to the point that he’ll leave me alone and stay away from me as far as possible.
“Leave me alone.” my own cold voice made me shiver. Another pain flashed in Arron’s eyes. His rage gradually waned and was replaced by resignation. I’ve never seen Arron as tired and restless as he looked. It made my heart crack that I almost impede my pretense.
“Just say yes, Allie. And I’ll fight for you, I’ll keep on fighting for us and I won’t stop even if I end up black and blue.”
“I’m sorry, Arron. But there’s no competition.” and that’s how I left him broken again.
~*****~
Kahit anong pilit na pagbura ang gawin ko sa isipan ko, hindi pa rin siya mawala-wala. He was tattoed in my mind, permanent–fading a little but still there.
Fixed.
“Hey there.” malambing na bati sa akin ni Dominic pagkabukas na pagkabukas ko ng pinto. May usapan kami na pupunta siya ng bahay para manood kami ng latest na movie. It had always been a custom for us.
“Hi.” I tried to smile at him as sweet as possible that my cheeks hurt from all the smiling. He stepped inside the house, pulling me by my waist and pressed his lips on mine.
Katulad ng ginagawa ko nitong nakaraang araw, pumikit ako at sinubukan ibalik ang dating nararamdaman ko sa tuwing hinahalikan ako ni Dominic. I really tried hard–frustrated myself to feel it, even kissed Dominic again and again just to feel the same spark but it was barely there.
He then ended what should be a sweet and passionate kiss with a boyish grin and like always, I kept my eyes closed for a while–willing myself not to cry for feeling horrible for myself.
“Nuod na tayo?” dumilat ako nang marinig ko ang boses ni Dominic. I looked at him and I almost melted from guilt at the way he looked at me. He was staring at me like I was the only person in the world. The same look that I used to have whenever I’m looking at him. Now, it’s gone.
“Sige.” simpleng sagot ko dito. He slid his hand over mine, clasped it together and again, I felt empty.
Umakyat na kami sa kwarto ko dahil mas komportable kami parehong manood sa kama. Dominic loves to cuddle and I do to, but right now, I can’t fathom cuddling with him without feeling any guilt eating me inside and out.
The movie started to play, it has been playing for a long time but my mind was elsewhere. I felt myself being transported to the last conversation that I had with Arron, remembering how I didn’t omit him the whole truth and fed him with a half-lie.
I told him he was wrong.
It was true that I felt something. That I want him. But he was wrong when he said I like it when he’s around, that I like it when he notices nothing else but me, that I like the way he looks at me, that I like it even if he annoys me sometimes.
He was wrong because I didn’t like any it.
I love all of it.
And I think he’s wrong about wanting him either because I don’t just want him–I love him.