I'm back, bitches
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That night, I didn't sleep.
I really can't imagine how I could've.
So, as one does in the middle of the night at a war camp when the person they love is dying, I went for a walk.
I stood from where I lay on the thin canvas of the tent, treading lightly as I stepped around Alex and Nael (he'd recently moved in with us due to limited space), and walked out, taking a deep breath of the fresh night air. It was a clear night, not a cloud as far as the horizon. I closed my eyes as I thought back to the countless sleepless nights back at the training grounds.
It was often that I though back to those nights. They were the best of times; they were the worst of times. But regardless, they were easier. They were before my life truly began unraveling.
But they were gone.
Regardless, I wasn't going to sleep. So I walked.
The only things that could be heard in camp that night were the incessant chirping of the crickets all around camp and the snapping of twigs underfoot. The silence was deafening.
Every moment when camp slept was a moment Lafayette wasn't getting help. And of course, everyone needed sleep, but god, I just couldn't understand their priorities.
Then again, they weren't me.
I couldn't take not knowing how he was doing; I couldn't take being without him. I couldn't.
So I didn't.
I bit my lip as I walked toward the medical tent, my steps slowing more the closer I came. My breathing was quickening; my palms were sweating. But swallowing hard, squeezing my eyes shut, I finally took the last few steps to where Lafayette lay.
It was only then that the stench hit me: something rotten, revolting, deathly. I nearly gagged as I turned away from the opening of the tent, taking a deep breath, and then turning back to where he lay. The scent hit again, and though I grimaced, that time it didn't hit as strong. I was ready for it.
I had to be.
So despite the pungent odor seeping out of the space, I walked in, trying not to gag as I sat down next to Lafayette. Or rather, his body.
Though they had the shoulder where he'd been shot wrapped, though the blood had clotted over the several hours he'd been laying there, I couldn't imagine how he could still be alive. His dark skin had lost much color, his cheeks were sunken, his full lips were turning blue. I couldn't so much as see the rise and fall of his chest.
Yet, as I took his hand in mine, as our wrists pressed together, I felt his slow, steady pulse, and I all but cried in relief. Tears pooled in my eyes, my vision blurring as I bit down on my bottom lip. He was alive.
"Hey," I murmured, "'Ey. You are alive. You are going to make it through. You 'ad better make it through, anyway. I 'ave come too far to lose you now."
I squeezed his hand lightly, examining his empty face. "I was looking at ze stars, and I 'ave been thinking of you. Taurus, you know, is very bright tonight. You would love to see it." I swallowed hard at the lack of a response, moving to lie down next to him, his cold hand still resting in mine.
"'Ey, remember zat night? Ze one before we left, when you taught me about constellations?" The memory evoked a light chuckle from me, mostly due to the word 'constellation'. "I zink about zat night very often. Every time I see a star, or look at ze night sky, or even go to sleep."
I took a deep breath, smiling lightly at the memory as I squeezed his hand, before I glanced over him and swallowed hard at his unresponsive body. "You 'ave got to 'old on. I cannot lose you. Please, Lafayette, just 'old on."
It was then that I felt his hand, previously limp around mine, squeezing back, holding onto me like a lifeline. My eyes widened, and I looked up to his solemn face. He didn't look like he could've been conscious; the only part of his body that so much as twitched was his hand. But then the words came, hardly a breath on his lips.
"I will 'old on, mon amour."
I inhaled sharply, the corners of my eyed stinging with the hot tears that threatened to roll down my face. "Thank you."
"Je'taime."
I froze. His eyes were still closed; the best guess he had at who I was was my accent. He didn't know I was me. Or really, that I wasn't. So, sighing lightly, I murmured back, "Je'taime, Lafayette."
✧ ✧ ✧ ✧
I woke up next to him the next morning, his hand still intertwined with mine. I sat up slowly, letting out a light groan as I gathered my hair at the back of my head, tying it into my usual ponytail.
As I opened the tent, I blinked hard, trying to adjust to the light of day, before stepping out with the memories of the previous night flooding back to me, and I found myself replaying his words in my head.
Je'taime.
He loved me.
He loved me, and he was dying, and there was nothing I could do about it.
It was just then that a horde of people rushed past me, right to where I'd just left. I watched them intently rush in, people shouting at each other, and my eyes widened as they picked up tools I didn't recognize, passing them around. Slowly, I followed after them, curiosity and concern getting the better of me. When I reached the tent, I lightly tapped someone on the shoulder, and he turned to me with raised eyebrows as I cleared my throat.
"Who's in charge here?" I asked, my voice shakier than I would've hoped. The man drew himself up to his full height, offering me his hand to shake.
"That would be me. Adam Deross." I did shake his hand, if only for the politeness of the act. "And who are you?"
I raised my eyebrows. "Major-General Levi King."
His eyes widened slightly, and he stood a little straighter as he pulled back from the handshake. "Oh, I'm so sorry, sir."
"No, no, don't be." I waved off the apology with a noncommittal smile, before turning to the tent beside us. "But if you would be so kind as to tell me of exactly what's happening here?"
"Of course." He cleared his throat, his gaze downcast. "Well, I'm sure by now you know the situation here. He was shot in the shoulder." I nodded, and he continued, "Well, we're doing everything we can for this man at the moment, but we don't want to put him through all the suffering that could be involved with amputation--"
"Amputation?!" I interrupted, eyes wide, and he looked surprised at the outburst.
"Well, yes, I mean--"
"No, no no no, you don't understand. There needs to be another way," I urged him, and he furrowed his brow.
"The other way is letting him go, which I'm sure no one wants."
I sighed, pinching the bridge of my nose. "There's no third option? None at all?"
He pursed his lips, looking uneasy as he shifted on his feet. "Well..." he trailed off, and my eyes widened.
"There is one. Spill."
"Sir, I don't know that you want to know--"
"Tell me what you could do. That's an order." While it felt unnatural using my rank like this, I was more than willing to do what I had to. Yet, I made a mental note to avoid doing that as often as possible. Adam sighed.
"We could fix it. Cauterize the wound, disinfect as much as possible. But I need you to know that it's risky, and this man would suffer," he explained, his face almost a grimace as he spoke.
"Do it."
He sighed. "Sir, are you sure? Is it really worth this man's suffering?" His brows were furrowed as he stared at me in disbelief, and I raised an eyebrow.
"Do you know who this man is?"
His eyebrows shot up as he was slightly taken aback. "No, but--"
"This is Major-General Lafayette, and right now you're talking about letting the head of the entire southern division die in the middle of the war. If it was his decision, he wouldn't want you to let him go."
"And how would you know that?"
I glanced back to where Lafayette lay, at the medics rushing to clean his wound and change his bandages, and swallowed hard. "He's a close friend. He wouldn't want to die at war if he had a chance at life."
He huffed, and I could hear the ghost of a dry laugh pass his lips. "Alright, sir. Alright. We'll do our best, but I need you to know that we can't know anything for sure. Whatever happens is on you, though."
I nodded. "I can accept that. I just need to know that everything possible was done."
✧ ✧ ✧ ✧
A week passed, and Lafayette was constantly fading in and out of consciousness. While I stood by my decision to have the medics keep him alive the best they could, I found myself regretting it for hours both day and night, when he was nearly responsive and his screams could be heard throughout camp.
I'd attempted to visit him on multiple occasions, but to say he looked like hell would be an understatement. I couldn't sit there next to him knowing that it was my fault a red-hot knife was being applied to his shoulder multiple times to kill the infection and cauterize the wound, that it was my fault his open flesh was being covered in alcohol every time after. I hardly knew the half of what he was feeling; my back was nearly healed, but mornings and nights I could still feel the throbbing ache, and could nearly feel the alcohol searing down the gash. I could only imagine the extent to where my pain could even be compared.
But a week passed.
A week passed, and he survived.
A week passed, and he was finally coming to.
Alex was the first to visit, and John soon joined him, before hours passed and they were alone with him, and I was just alone. It wasn't their fault I was alone, of course, I was the only one to blame. I just couldn't bring myself to face him after what I put him through, because after everything, I wasn't sure if I could regret my decision.
It felt like forever before Alex came into the tent, where I was just sitting with my old journal, doodling, which turned into sketching, which turned into Lafayette.
God, I missed being with him before things flew off the handle.
"Levi." My head whipped around at the sound of Alex's soft voice, and my expression quickly matched his soft smile. "Hey, he's asking for you." I didn't have to ask to know what he meant.
"Alright, well, lead the way, Hamilton," I said, my smile growing as I tucked the journal off to the side, under a blanket, and pushed myself off the ground.
We reached the medical tent in relative silence, and Alex stopped outside the opening of the tent, making me hesitate.
"Are you going in, or... ?" I trailed off as he shook his head.
"Nah. He asked for you." He winked, and my eyes widened as I could feel my face flush. I ignored him as he held the canvas flap of the tent open, walking past into the tent where Lafayette sat, looking better than he'd ridden in.
As our eyes met, I saw his face light up, if only ever so slightly, and my smile grew as I sat down next to him.
"Hey," I murmured, and he took my hand in his, squeezing it lightly.
"'Ey," he replied, and that was when Alex chose to clear his throat, making both our heads whip towards him.
"I'll leave you two alone." That time, his wink was aimed at Lafayette, and I raised a questioning eyebrow as his gaze met his feet, a pink tint filling his cheeks.My breath caught in my throat at the simple actions, and I could feel my heart beginning to pound.
Alex left without another word, and for a moment, Lafayette and I just sat, the silence overwhelming everything I had to say. Finally, though, he spoke.
"So I 'ave been told you are ze one who saved my life, non?" His tone was slightly teasing, and despite the smile on my face, I rolled my eyes.
"I mean, I want to take credit, but I think I've gotta give this victory to the doctors at camp," I said, and he chuckled lightly.
"Alright, but is it true zat zey would 'ave let me die otherwise?" My eyes widened, and my mouth hung slightly agape.
"How did you--"
"I was not gone zat whole time, mon amo-- amie." He bit his lip; his mistake was less than discreet. "I am still unsure what was dreams and what was real, but I believe you just confirmed zat one for me."
I brushed off the slip of the tongue, thinking nothing of it. "Well, you've got me there. At the same time, though, I've been unsure all week if my decision was right."
He raised a teasing eyebrow. "Quelle? Were you considering not saving me?"
I scoffed, rolling my eyes. "You know that's not what I mean, asshat."
"That is a new one," he interjected.
"I just mean, was it worth it? Objectively? Are you glad to have gone through all hell but still be here a week later?"
He pondered for a moment, brow furrowed and lips pursed. "Well, ze answer I give you now may not be ze same one I would 'ave given last night," --I cringed at the memory; the sound of his cries had rang through camp throughout the night-- "but I am glad to be 'ere. It is over, what is done is done, and I am glad to 'ave survived it."
I smiled, squeezing his hand that was still in mine lightly. "I'm glad you're here, too."
He nodded, sucking his bottom lip between his teeth. "But Levi?"
"Hmm?"
"I 'ave been thinking, for ze last several hours, and I am need to talk to you. Almost dying 'as changed my outlook, if only a small bit."
I furrowed my brow. "Laf, what are you--"
"Please, Levi, just listen." He raised an eyebrow, waiting expectantly for confirmation, and when I nodded, he continued. "You know, by now, about Alex and Laurens, non?"
All color fled my face. "I don't know what you're talking about."
He chuckled. "Please. I 'ave known about zem for months, and Alexander 'as told me you know as well."
I sighed, mainly in relief. "And you don't care?"
"Non. Not in ze least."
"You aren't one of many."
"Neither are you, zen."
I nodded. "No. But may I ask where this is going?"
"I will get zere, he assured me, and while I raised a skeptical eyebrow, I didn't interrupt. "Remember ze woman I told you about? Ze one from camp?"
"Yeah," I replied softly, a smile forming on my lips.
"I 'ad a dream about 'er, and I 'ave not thought of 'er in a long time. She was just 'ere, telling me to 'old on, telling me she loved me." His expression was absent, almost like he wasn't there, and you furrowed your brow. "Anyway, it 'as 'ad me thinking."
"I still don't get where Alex and John come in," I interrupted him, and he looked at me in false annoyance, causing me to shrink away ever so slightly, pressing my lips together to stifle my laugh.
"Are you going to let me finish or not?" he asked in an exasperated tone, and I shrugged.
"Sorry."
"Anyway," he continued with a dramatic sigh, "I 'ave been thinking about that dream, and ze more I think, ze more sure I am." I raised an eyebrow, and it was at that moment that he raised his eyes to meet mine. "I loved 'er. I loved 'er, but she is gone, likely forever, and ze universe wants me to move on."
"Don't start getting all philosophical on me," I joked, trying to hide my slight embarrassment, and he rolled his eyes.
"Alright, King. Let me get back to my point. I think I 'ave moved on," he said, and I couldn't help the lump growing in my throat.
Don't move on, I silently urged him, wishing he were having this conversation with anyone else.
"I 'ave moved on, and I think I am falling for you." The words were nervous, yet calculated, and he looked into my wide eyes, trying to gauge my reaction. Sadness turned to surprise, and I felt as though the wind had been knocked out of me.
"You... me... what?" I sputtered, unsure if I could be hearing him right.
He chuckled lightly. "I think you 'eard me, Levi."
"I..." I took a deep breath. "Yeah. Yeah I did."
"And?" He raised his eyebrows expectantly, and I knew exactly my answer.
"I'd be lying if I told you it was one-sided, Laf, but what is there to do about it?"
He shrugged. "I am not sure. Right now, ze only thing I am sure of is you. I just... I 'ad to tell you."
"Well, I--" I huffed, running a hand through my hair. I couldn't meet his eyes, I couldn't talk, I could hardly breath. I didn't know how to respond. Of course, though, there was Lafayette, with his steady hands and sure movements. His finger (from his good hand, of course) hooked under my chin, bringing my eyes to meet his.
You don't 'ave to respond, mon amie," he whispered, his face nearing mine as our eyes locked, and I bit my lip. I could feel his hot breath on my jaw, and the space between us only proceeded to close, both our eyes fluttering shut as I released my bottom lip from between my teeth.
"I won't," I breathed, and his nose brushed against mine as our--
"Hey, are you two--" We yelped as we jumped apart, our heads whipping around to the opening of the tent, where Alex stood, eyes wide and jaw slack. "Oh my god, I so called it." A disbelieving laugh escaped his lips as he looked between us, and my face burned as I couldn't meet either man's eyes. "John owes me so much money." With that, he stormed out, calling our friend's name, and I sighed heavily. The mood was gone, the moment was over, and all we could do was sit there in awkward silence, before I finally broke it.
"Well, I should probably head out." Lafayette hid his disappointment well, but I could see it flickering in his eyes, despite his small smile as he nodded. "Get some rest. I'll go send someone with food; you haven't eaten all week."
"Thank you, Levi."
I gave him a tight smile. "That's what friends are for."
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My apology for the end of this chapter is less than sincere, as I can't pretend I don't enjoy frustrating you all while knowing the eventual outcome of everything that happens here, but regardless, I'm sorry.