LEXION
The recoil felt good against his arms, he tensed his muscles so the axe wouldn't rip out of his hands as it connected. Prying it loose, he swung again, finding some measure of satisfaction at the rote, monotonous chore.
He needed the mind-numbing, though it didn't seem to take, the mess his mind was still assaulted him, aggression pumping through him. Even though it was a part of his nature, in his blood, he'd always been laid back. Now it was all he could do to think rationally. He wanted to fight, rip someone apart and rejoice at the confirmation of his strength.
It confused him, this primitive urge to prove himself where there was no need, which made him angry and hence more aggressive. Taking it out on the wood eased him a little, but it wasn't enough. Still, he kept at it.
He swung again, the force of it burying the axe into the stump he was using to prop the wood. Swearing, he yanked the axe out, again with too much force that it was thrown out of his hands.
If his mother was around to hear the sulphurous words that came out of him, she'd wash his mouth out for a month. Luckily he was far from the packhouse or any of the other houses. He'd be embarrassed if anyone saw him being a fool, embarrassed enough to start a fight.
He growled at having to go fetch the freaking thing. 'We need our mate, she will calm us down' his wolf said. Lex paused to examine the wolf, he'd been so caught up in his own feelings he hadn't noticed it was also raging. The need to kill was foremost in his thoughts. With only one target, the Eastaughffe Alpha.
He realized how right his wolf was. They were feeding each other's anger and if they didn't calm, there would be trouble. No matter how tolerant and understanding his father was, the Alpha wouldn't put up with his destructive anger.
But how could he face his mate? He'd been so inadequate to her pain, unable to ease it, let alone convince her there was hope for them. The only way to truly erase the Eastaughffe Alpha's scent would be to fully claim her. Marking her as they made love and having his wolf do the same to hers, but she wasn't ready for that. Maybe she never would be.
Lex could still remember how she'd flinched at his touch, locking herself in her mind. The blank look that'd been on her face for what felt like hours no matter how hard he'd tried to get to her.
Her mother was right, he was undeserving of her. Shouldn't a mate be able to reach the other just with a touch?
He found the axe, then marched back to put another piece on the stump. 'No.' He answered his wolf. They'd just have to muddle through somehow.
Was it because he was her second mate? An inadequate substitute? Another swing, tempered, connected and the two pieces flew apart. Well, that was better than last time, he thought. Would he even be able to erase the scent?
He repeated the process with the wood, finding satisfaction in tempering himself enough to have it forced apart so violently. His father would be pissed, but he was getting the job done and taking his anger out on something inanimate. The questions still tormented him and he found no answers to them, so he kept chopping.
"Lex?" He had no idea how long he'd been caught up in his misery when he heard her voice call out to him. That sweet sound was enough to ease the turmoil that had been swirling inside him. He closed his eyes, enjoying the moment and swallowing the pain. Would it ever be like that for her? Or would he have to live with not being enough?
He turned to face her, unable to do anything else. Burying his uncertainties he searched her face, seeing the exhaustion and pain still lingering in her eyes. He swallowed past the lump in his throat. "You should still be resting." He said.
When he'd left, she'd finally cried herself to sleep, resting fitfully. He'd known his father wouldn't excuse him from his punishment just because his mate needed him.
"An alpha should never neglect his mate or put the pack before her but he should never neglect the pack for her either." His father had told him time and again, like that made sense.
"You're upset." She stated.
"It's nothing."
Her eyes grew more pained as she pleaded with him. "Lex please, I can feel how upset you are."
He looked away, unsure what to say.
"Was it something I did?" Her voice became small, uncertain.
"No!" He was quick to reassure her. "I'm just working through some stuff."
She bit her bottom lip, his heart jerked at the sensuality of it even though it hadn't been meant to be. "Stuff that is because of me." She whispered.
He wanted to move closer to her, to take her into his arms but he was unsure how she would react. "No," he said once again. "You didn't do anything wrong."
She moved closer until only a step separated them and he was caught in the beauty of her and yes, her scent, that it felt like a mere breath was between them. All he wanted was to gather her in his arms and never let go. To forget their troubles and just be. He doubted she would allow that.
"That doesn't mean I didn't hurt you." She argued, her tone soothing and soft. "Just because you might understand what I'm going through doesn't mean you don't have a right to feel hurt, angry and a bunch of other things."
Feelings. He was a guy, they didn't talk about feelings, not with anyone, even their friends. She's our mate, the one person we should talk to about everything. His wolf put in.
Which, Lex admitted to himself, was true and tempting. Still, he was reluctant to talk about his feelings, to admit his failure. Their relationship was still so new and fragile, was it really the time to get so heavy? Though given her past it was inevitable, it still didn't seem fair to unload his doubts on her.
"Lex please." Her pleading went straight to his heart and feeling her distress through the mating pull he knew he couldn't deny her. It hurt to admit how he felt, hurt to imagine how it would put more pressure on her.
He wanted to look away, to avoid seeing the inevitable pain that would bloom in her eyes. That, though would be the coward's way and he'd been raised better. "I know it's insane, that I shouldn't even be feeling like this but I can't help it. Can't help wondering if I'm enough for you."
"Why?" The whisper was anguished as if she heard more than he had said. He wondered if it was even close to what he meant.
"I'm your second choice, Nia, that's never as good as first." He laughed without humour, "I couldn't even reach you like a mate should."
Her beautiful, pained and earnest eyes held onto his, her need to soothe him clear. "The first time I felt those sparks was with his first punch," Lex went cold, his body frozen with the horrific shock of it. "With every punch, they were there and even..." She broke off at that but he knew what she meant. "Maybe they feel different with you, but it's too early for me to know that difference."
She lowered her head, as if ashamed. "I was already upset and when you touched me it brought it all back. I couldn't think beyond that memory to even remember where I was."
"Or even me." He finished what she wouldn't say. The punch of his words went through both of them, it was a truth that needed to be said, which didn't make it easier.
"I'm sorry." She barely said the words.
"There's no need for you to be." And there wasn't. He knew the last thing she needed was to have to apologize for how she felt. "The easiest thing in life is to make everything about yourself and I know your reactions have little to do with me but I can't seem to get it."
She held her arms around herself and nodded. "I know. Like when you said you're wondering if you're good enough for me, what I heard was an excuse for you to eventually reject me."
"No!" He denied, taking the last step between them to gather her in his arms. "Nia, I would never!"
Her hands clutched at his shirt, her head resting against his heart. "I know," there was a thread of doubt in her voice that shot pain straight to his core. "But I can't seem to believe it." She raised her head to meet his eyes. "You said we'd find a way to remove his scent? What if we can't? What if..."
"We'll find a way, there's always a way. We just haven't found it yet."
She bit her lip, perfect white teeth sinking into her lush lower lip. He was transfixed by the sight, his body reacting before his mind could interfere. He shifted so she wouldn't feel the effect she had on him but kept his arms around her. Wild horses wouldn't drag him away, not when she was trusting him like this.
"There's one sure way."
"Are you ready for that intimacy?" He knew she wasn't, even before her body stiffened in his arms and he had to let her go.
They looked at each other in silence, assessing. Their eyes opened to each other while they searched for answers neither of them even knew the questions to. Even then, they were sure the other held the answers, drawn together by the primal pull that had dictated so much in were life.
"Where do we go from here?" She asked.
"I don't know, texting? Did you see the phone?"
She smiled, a shy beautiful smile that brought an answering one to his lips. "It's beautiful. So is the room you brought me to."
"It's not mine." He was quick to reassure.
She laughed, her hand running through her hair. She winced as it tangled in it. "I know, but the T-shirts are."
Looking down he hid the color that rose into his face. "I was hoping you'd wear them to bed."
He stole a look at her and couldn't look away at the picture she made. Her eyes were soft with guarded excitement, her cheeks rosy with a delighted blush that deepened as their eyes met. "Yes." The barely audible word brought a rush of joy to him.
"Will you send me something of yours?" Her eyes widened but she nodded. Feeling like the luckiest guy in the world he wanted to shout and dance, just not in front of her. The last thing he wanted was to have her think he was a dork. "I better get back to cutting the wood before my dad increases my punishment."
"I'm sorry you got punished because of us."
He smiled again, "I'm not, it gives us time to get to know each other without any pressure to be more."
"Still, your summer is ruined."
"How can it be? I found my mate."
She returned his smile and then gave him a small wave before turning to walk away. He watched her, feeling at peace like he never had before. Once she was out of sight he went back to chopping the wood, his turmoil forgotten.