“I have a long way to go but why am I running in place?
I scream out of frustration but the empty air echoes
I hope tomorrow will be different from today
I’m just wishing"
-Tomorrow
Namjoon just stands there, looking at me in disbelief. “He... abused…you?” he asks to make sure he doesn’t misunderstand me. I just nodded and look at Tae again. He didn’t understand what I said.
"What did she say?” he asks Namjoon.
“Her father was an alcoholic that always argued with her mother… and… he… he abused her.” His voice gets quieter with every word he says. He stares into the room, he couldn’t get his head around it.
Tae again turns around to look into my eyes. “He hurt you?” he asks nearly crying. Seeing him cry makes me cry again. He just wraps his arms around me. He understands that I don’t want to talk about it and I crying was the only answer he needs. “He cannot now. I am here.” He whispers.
After a few minutes I look up. “He couldn’t hurt me now anyway, he is dead. He died a few months ago. He drank too much and was a way too cocky. He argued with someone in the bar and died at the hospital due to his injuries. I am not sorry for him. He deserved it. As I was young I wasn’t able to fight back. I just told my mother after a few years… she broke every kind of contact to him until we received the call of him being dead.” I say looking at Namjoon. He translates it for Tae. Will it always be like this? Do we always need to have Namjoon around so we are able to talk more than the little English Tae knows?
“You have no family now?” Tae asks after Namjoon finished. I still have an older sister but she pretends she doesn’t know me, so she isn’t family to me. “No. I have no one now.”
“You have us. We will be your family now.” Jungkook says from behind Namjoon. “We still need to discuss about the picture, Syra. But for now, you two need to rest.” I nodded. “Where can I sleep? I don’t want to be alone.”
“Wait.” Namjoon says and goes back to the living room. A few minutes later he comes back. “You can sleep in Jimin’s bed. He will sleep on the sofa. You will share a room with Tae then, I hope it is OK with you.”
“Of course it is. Who am I to claim something else?”
¤¤¤¤¤
I fell asleep pretty fast to the thought of Tae only being a few steps away. As I wake up, I searched for him but seems like he is already awake since he isn’t in his bed. I stagger through the dorm trying to find my way to the living room. To be honest, it wasn’t hard because they are shouting again.
I entered the living room and everyone gets quiet, looking at me just standing there scratching the back of my head. “Annyeonghaseyo.” I say with a smile. I think they were talking about the picture again. “Good morning, Syra. It is perfect that you are awake now, we are discussing about what to do about the picture of you and Taehyung that is currently finding its way to every army.” Just as I thought. Of course it is the damn picture again. I need to say we look cute on it, but I would like it when there wouldn’t be so much trouble caused by it.
“Can I first have a coffee? Otherwise my brain won’t work the way you want it.” I say and just received a laugher from those who understood what I said. What is funny about someone asking for coffee? “Of course.” Jin says and goes to the kitchen.
“Where is Tae?” I ask while sipping my hot coffee. “He said he needed some fresh air and went out for a walk.” Namjoon answers. Just as he finishes Tae enters the room. “You are awake.” He says walking straight to me to give me a kiss on my forehead. “Annyeonghaseyo.” I say again with a shy smile. He smiles back.
“So back to the topic.” Sejin says.
How will I be able to follow the conversation? “Don’t worry, Syra. I will translate everything to you.” Namjoon says, seems like he understands how lost I am.
They discuss a lot. Namjoon doesn’t translate a single word, he is too wrapped up in the conversation. It is somehow funny watching them and only being able to imagine what they are saying. It reminds me of those ‘Misheard Lyrics’ Videos I found last night. They are just too funny.
20 minutes pass until Namjoon turns to me. “I think you know that you two caused a scandal. A big one to be honest. But Sejin just came up with the idea of telling the fans that you are a cousin. Also that means, if you two want to be together, you can never go public and need to be even more careful.” Did he just ask me if I am ok with telling the world that I am Tae’s cousin, when the truth is that I am, strange as it sounds, in love with him? “I cannot say this. I won’t be able to think if it is OK to kiss him every time before I do it.”
“But we need an answer.”
“The answer is no.” I insist.
“Have you got any idea then?” Sejin asks annoyed.
“I need time to think about it. I just woke up and this is a choice that will affect my whole life so you cannot expect me to answer this in the blink of an eye.” I say, maybe a way too uneasy. Sejin sighs. “There is no time left. The fans start spreading their theories about who you are. We need to make it clear to them as soon as possible.” Namjoon tries to explain, but I am just too overwhelmed to think straight. “I am not able to answer this now. I need time.”
“But we want an answer now!” Sejin shouts at me hitting his fist on the table. Is he serious? Shouting at a girl that currently watches her life falling apart? I try to hold back my tears but it is just too hard. I cannot stand his sight anymore. Without thinking about what I am doing I rush out of the room, putting on my shoes and leave the dorm, slamming the door right behind me.
I don’t know where I am going. I don’t even know where I am since I just followed Tae and Jungkook yesterday. It’s May, so it is sunny outside, but still cold. The sudden change of brightness makes me fall back against the door, but I am back on my feet again after a few seconds of instability.
¤¤¤¤¤
I don’t know how far I already walked, but I reached a small river. The water sparkles like there were little stars in it, thanks to the sun. It is a little relieve after the down pulling situations of the past few hours. I am breathing in the clean air here. It makes me feel alive again, after I couldn’t feel anything but numbness after the phone call.
The phone call. The stress caused by the picture of me and Taehyung nearly made me forget it. My mother is dead. I look at my phone with the intention to check the time, but the battery died and I forgot to charge it back at the dorm. Seems like I am lost now, lost in a city I don’t know.
I take a few steps forward, closer to the river. The brawl of it calms me somehow down. I always felt an attraction to the nature. I never was that kind of person who liked living in a big city, I am a village child. I sit down and lay back in the grass by the river, watching the clouds flying high in the sky.
‘You are up there now.’ I think to myself. ‘I already miss you. You would know what to do now. You always did.’ My mother was my rescuer in many situations and she always had the perfect advice for how to solve a problem that seemed impossible to solve to me. She was that kind of mother you would read about in a book.
I nearly doze off to sleep as I hear footsteps next to me. As I open my eyes, I see Tae standing right next to me. “I find you.” He says. “You did.” I answer. Did he just follow me all the way here? It already dawn again. “What is the time?”
“9 PM.” He says after he takes a look at his phone. He lays down next to me, folding his arms behind his head. We laid like this for some time, what felt like hours.
“How was it, losing your grandma?” he looks at me, clearly confused. “Your grandma. She raised you, didn’t she?”
“Yes. I love her. I miss her.” He says. I can feel how sad he still is about this situation. “Is OK for you to talk about it?”
“I tell you all you want.” He replied. I answer with a shy smile.
“How was she?”
“She was kind. She tells me to love my fans.”
“Was you able to feel anything the day you got to knew she died?”
“Hmm?”
“The day… after she died. How did you feel?”
“Nothing…. I felt nothing, thought nothing.” Even in this moment I smile about his pronunciation of ‘thought’. His struggles with it are just too cute.
“Like me now. They want me to answer, but I cannot. I cannot think about.”
“I understand you.” I sigh, but not annoyed, rather relieved, relieved that at least he can understand me. We all need someone who understands us. Did I find my ‘someone’ in him?
“You know, she was a good woman. She loved me. She really cared about me.” Tae says after a few minutes of silence. “I was too stress to visit her in hospital.” He confesses.
“I bet she had great nurses.” I say, trying to comfort him. I roll over, to be nearer and to look into his eyes. “I don’t want to be known as your cousin.” I say, with a sad smile. He lifts his head so his eyes can meet mine. “You are not.” He says, cupping my cheek with his hand again. “But we need an idea.”
We just laid there for another few minutes and darkness was consuming the pure nature around us. Normally, I am afraid to be outside, not knowing where, while it is dark but with him by my side, playing with my hair, it is somehow… relaxing. I don’t feel any kind of fear at the moment. His presence washes it all away.
“Why can’t we just say I am an old friend?” He startles. “An old friend?”
“We stayed in touch after school. I have problems so you comfort me.” He looks at me questing. “It means we are somehow close, but not a couple. Also, it doesn’t take the opportunity away to go public someday, if we want to.“ Where does this idea come from? I cannot answer it myself. “Maybe it works.” He replies with a smile. As I smile back, he moves closer. I can feel his hot breath on my skin that got cold from the cold air of the night. Where ever his hands touch my skin, they leave this electrical feeling. I am aching for a kiss of him and he finally kisses me. A kiss that somehow heals a few of the wounds in my soul.
¤¤¤¤¤
2 months have passed now since this night I thought my life was falling apart again, it was, but Tae was the glue I needed to put it back together and he was pretty good at it.
I am still living in this ordinary apartment with Amy. Of course she got curious about how I knew Tae, but I made up a good version to the one we revealed to the world. I cannot tell if she believed it or not, but at least she stopped asking me about it.
Tae and I continued our meetings to learn together. To be honest, my Korean improved a lot since the day we started. I am able to keep up a conversation now, but still have my struggle with following his with his bandmates. Also, our meeting place changed. The café was too well known now, too public. We are meeting up in his dorm now. The others don’t complain about it, actually they really feel like a little family to me now.
I am so happy that we don’t need Namjoon as a translator anymore. At the beginning learning together was harder than we both imagined, but Namjoon helped us out. Now we talk like there would have never been a language barrier.
It is 1 AM now. Due to his schedule, we are only able to meet at this time of the day but at least we try to do it on a daily basis. Of course sometimes we need to cancel it because of him not being in town or have to make an appearance at a TV show. It is still better than not seeing him. I am on my way to their dorm and somehow I am excited every time I go there, like it would be my first time meeting him.
“Hi.” I say looking into his eyes and blush. He seems to be exhausted by his hard schedule. “Hi.” He answers, giving me a quick kiss. Entering Tae’s room I see Jimin sitting on his bed.
“I hope you don’t mind that I will stay here today. I am curious about Taehyung process.”
“Of course not, stay.” I answer with a shy smile. I am not used to the others being around while we are together, but I am not uncomfortable with it.
“Your Korean improve a lot since I got to know you.” He confesses.
“I have the best teacher and I am good at learning languages anyway.” I answer, looking at Tae who is blushing. I love the way how he teaches me, every day after we learned successfully, he gives me a little present. Sometimes it is a Rose, he knows that it is my favorite flower. Sometimes it is a cute picture of him he gives me so I can pin it to the inside of my door at home. And even sometimes, it is ‘only’ a kiss. It doesn’t matter to me what it is, I just love how thoughtful he is.
Also, our daily learning session was a good way to distract me from the fact that my mother died. I still miss her, but being with him makes the pain sustainable.
We talked for hours again. Looking at my phone, which suddenly starts vibrating, I it already 4 AM. Again an unknown number calling me from Germany. “Hello. Syra Lia.” I say maybe a way too nervous. “Hello, Mister Meyer here, I am calling you to talk about the inheritance. When is the next time you are able to meet up?”
“It is complicated. I am living in South Korea so meeting up is… difficult.”
“Does this me you want to renounce the inheritance?” he asks. Do I want to renounce the maybe only things left of my mother? The things that proof me that she really lived and wasn’t just a dream? “No! No. Ehm… Can’t we talk about it over the phone?”
“No sorry, it would be too informal and also we need a few signs of you.” He explains. OK. What now? “Does it mean I need to come back to Germany for this?”
“If you don’t want to renounce it, you need to come to Germany, yes.” Just perfect. My life is beginning to be good again and now this. Can I just leave? Leave Tae alone? Why is this decision even so hard? “OK. I will call back when I am in Germany.” I say as quiet as I can. “I will see you then. Have a nice flight back. Bye.”
“Bye.” Tae looks at me in shock. After our 2 months of learning he was able to understand what I said. Going back to Germany, leaving him behind. I feel awful. “You are going back to Germany?” he asks with not more than a whisper. “I need to, Tae. They want to talk about the leftover of my mother. I cannot say no to this.” Burning tears start filling my eyes. I won’t be able to leave him. I cannot do this. “How long we you be away? I don’t want you to go.”
“I think it will take two or three weeks. We will survive it Tae. I will call you every day, at the same time we would meet here, even if the time difference could make it difficult. We… we will survive this. Our love for each other is strong enough.”
“You… you love me?” he says. I haven’t said it until now. I never thought about telling him that I love him because I thought it would be obvious, but maybe I should have done it. “Yes. Yes, Tae, I love you.” I smile. “I love you too, Syra.” He gives me a cute kiss on my hand. Why is he so romantic? “But are you sure we will survive this? I want to see you every day.”
“It will only be a few weeks, Tae. We can even do video calls. And when I am back here, it will be a special day. We will make it special.” I smile to calm him down, but a tear is running down my cheek. He wipes it away and cups my cheeks with both his hands and kisses me. God, how I will miss these kisses, they just feel like home. My home isn’t Germany anymore, it is wherever Tae is. “When will you leave?”
“As soon as possible, to be back as fast as possible.” I answer, trying not to cry, but I failed.