32- “No matter where you go, or whom you be with, you'll never find me.”
« VANSH »
It hurt.
It really fucking hurt.
As I lay on the bed, staring at the ceiling for God knows how many hours, I recalled a conversation I had with a certain ex of Natasha, months ago. It wasn't the whole conversation but some words spoken by him.
When each breath feels like a million worth of cash, when you wanna rip your heart out because it hurts that fucking much. When love goes out to suffocate you... so much that not even your own dick can stand up to it. That's brutal love to its finest.
Funny how those words I disregarded as over dramatic at one time, made so much sense now. Every word he uttered felt physically real. I wondered how that man who went through that pain survived, because I hell as couldn't. Fuck, even alcohol couldn't help me in ridding off the heaviness in my heart. Hardly a minute went by when I didn't think of Ahana. Hardly a day went by when I didn't cry. Living alone had it perks in this case. I could shout if I wanted to and nobody would bat an eye about that. I could throw a thing or two and nobody would accuse me for it. But it was still hard to breathe. I had to shove each hour past my throat to survive. It sounded batshit crazy but that's exactly what I've been feeling. Crazy. Sick. Mad. I wished someone could take my place already. It was becoming suffocating to be me. To be in the company of a isolated room and feel like a year has passed into nothingness, when it had only been a couple of days.
I bet a hospital stay would be thousand times better than this. Atleast you would have something good to look forward to, after getting discharged. What did I have to look forward to? It was yet another day, with yet another painful reminder of what I lost. I couldn't work properly as a result. Even my collegues were suspicious but they didn't pry much and for once, I was thankful for it.
It wasn't like I didn't try to contact Ahana. More like how else should I contact her? Whatsapp, Facebook, voice message, SMS, you name it, I've messaged her on every communication platform possible. Hell, I even sent her a short letter yesterday, hoping it would do some trick. I've already called her thirty times before she placed my numbers on reject list. And now, that cunning woman blocked me from social sites, too. I felt like banging my head against her for making me suffer like this. Instead, I'd pull my hair to satisfy my frustration.
Ironically, this craziness was the only thing that wasn't letting me give up on her. I would still message her; I would still try to call her, from different numbers and accounts. I contacted her till she was forced to reply. She would mostly tell me to leave her alone and that, we were over for good.
And, then what? I would message her all over again. As I stated earlier, I was becoming crazy. Except I wasn't satisfied. Despite my harsh efforts, I wasn't getting what I wanted. She was being stubborn as hell but I couldn't afford to stay this way. I would explode if I didn't do something.
~
It took balls to do something like this. To take your car and wait right in front of her workplace. I thought of parking outside her home instead but that would have been extreme. I was crazy but I hadn't lost my mind completely. I waited and waited. I noticed some of her employees who passed me by, throwing suspicious glances at me, wondering who the shady man was. A man who wasn't even trying to enter. An hour later, few unfamiliar people passed by and returned back to the office. Even the watchman was starting to grow suspicious but he didn't confront me since I hadn't parked my car in front of the gate. Neither did I ask for a permit.
My spirits lifted when a figure emerged from the gates, but then, it quickly turned to disappointment. The figure approaching me was definitely familiar, but she wasn't Ahana. Back when Ahana and I were together, Ahana had invited her in one of our dates. She was the perfect third wheeler, interrupting our talks and teasing us on to the fullest. She was Nisha, her best friend.
A smile appeared in her sharp edged face. The kind of wry smile that held nothing but resent. Her eyes narrowed into slits as she looked me in the eye. “There was a time when I wanted to meet you again and give you a tip or two, you know. I certainly didn't expect to meet you this way.”
“I didn't, either. It's kind of unfortunate, to be honest.”
She gave a small sigh. “It really is.”
The conversation we had thereafter, was somewhat strained. Nisha blatantly told me to fuck off since that was what her best friend wanted. She explained in Ahana's words how everything was already dealth with, which gave no reason to associate with her any longer. This wasn't a magical world where you'd wave your magic wand and vanish your problems away. Ahana even threatened to file a police complaint if I didn't stop messaging her from unknown numbers or even stand outside her office like a bloody stalker.
But if Ahana was being stubborn then hell, I was stubborn, too. I listened to all shit Nisha had to say but didn't falter from my decision. Ahana could tell me to fuck off, could file a case for all I care and I would still not falter. Because deep down, I knew she didn't want to fuck me off.
Deep down, I knew she was suffering too.
~
That cruel, treacherous woman. I reached her office, half an hour prior to her closing time but it was almost seven in the evening now. She really knew how to test a man's patience, didn't she? I was looking forward to see her at first but that eventually turned into frustration to hopelessness. It was one of those moments where you waited and waited, until you forgot the reason why you were excited in the first place. So when she finally did appear in my peripheral vision, I became impassive.
Until she started to walk past my car.
Oh, hell no, woman! You don't get to pass me by as if I were a tree. Not after everything I went through in this past week.
I turned on the ignition and drove, catching up to her steps slowly. She didn't so much as glance my way. I could peek enough through the left window to see the taught expression in her face. The car made a loud brooom noise (I did it on purpose) before driving again. I kept catching upto her, driving a few steps until I heard the most satisfying sound from her throat— a groan.
“Get in the car.” I blurted out.
Her eyes were dancing with rage when she looked at me. “No!”
“Get in right now!” The horn got blaringly louder this time. “If you don’t, you can bet on this careless driver to keep honking until someone shoves me to jail for disturbing.”
“Why are you doing this?” Her voice sounded brittle.
Because I don't know how else should I keep myself sane without you. Instead, I answered it by honking the car three more times. It caused few heads to turn before they continued on with their respective paths.
The force with which the door shut, shook the whole car, I was afraid it might break. She finally settled down, thank heavens. “Where do you intend to take me anyway?”
“To a place beyond the cliff where this car can jump off.”
Her eyes really lit up as she looked at me. “That actually sounds like a fantastic idea. Atleast we don't have to decide our future this way.”
“Exactly.” We smiled. We seriously shared a smile at that (though it was cunning). Still, despite the storm of emotions whirling inside me, I was relieved. Relieved in the knowledge of having the remote control in my hands. Now that Ahana was finally inside my car, it was my job to lead the way. Maybe to kill ourselves. Maybe to possibly make her stay.
But how? And more importantly, how should I begin? This wasn't like our other petty arguments where I could just straight out say, 'let's forget it and move forward,' and expect my life to rotate on its axis. Pretty words just weren't enough this time.
I drove the car through the outskirts of the city. The inside of the yellow car was particularly dark in contrast to the bright yellow-orange street lights outside. I was busy racking my brain for a decent solution when I happened to hear a strange sound to my left. At first I couldn't hear properly but then it became clear as I glanced her way, helplessly. It was a sniff.
She was crying.
My hands tightened around the steering wheel. She didn't need to say anything. I could understand her well enough. Her silent cries that told me of the dark days she spent, isolating herself from everyone around her and the heavy, sleepless nights she spent crying. The car eventually slowed down near a traffic light. Pressing the button, I slid the window pane down to let in some air, despite the car being air conditioned.
“Remember our first exclusive night out in Huntsville years ago?” I questioned softly, staring at the ceiling. I had no idea why I was recalling it now and even less idea about why I was telling her this. “You were asking me what I was planning next so I challenged you to kiss fifty times in the taxi. Later, we trespassed a swimming pool and ran when the guard found us...”
She almost snorted between her tears as if wanting to say- 'And this is relevant to our current situation, how exactly?' I realized I made a utter fool out of myself by talking about a happy memory but the guy had to try. Atleast I managed to break a cube of ice.
An unusual silence settled between us with our heads, probably filled with memories of each other. All happy ones, atleast in my case. Eventually, I found my voice of reason. “Do you think you'll be able to re- create all those memories with someone else? Every moment that we created so lovingly— we could built a fuckin' house just by that.” I paused to bring the car in an abrupt halt to the side. Her uneven breath fanned against my face as I leaned closer to her. “You could find a million other jerks to have your silly dates with. I won't even deny if you say there are better men out there. There are. But Ahana, no matter where you go, or whom you be with, you'll never find a person like me.”
She could spat thousand other brutal things to break my heart but she could never betray me with her eyes. Her tender yet distressed look that was desperately calling out to me. But before she could even listen to her innermost self, she opened the damn door I forgot to lock and exited out of the car.
Bewildered, I followed after her, insisting her not to go after all the effort I put in bringing her. She stopped near a tree, taking a deep breath. “You're being ridiculous! Even if what you said is true, what change does it bring anyway? It doesn't change everything that happened—”
“Screw that!” I snapped but then, took a breath to cool myself down. “If you can remember all the things that happened then try to recall what I told you before I left Boston. We promised to bring those feelings back, didn't we? You brought this idea in hopes of rekindling our love. And we did. We fell in love again. We got stronger. Things didn't go as planned, I agree. We had quite a number of fall outs too, but somehow, in a twisted sense, our goal was accomplished. Do you really want to throw all of that? What we are now is result of everything that happened. Everything from us losing interest to the confrontation last time.”
“But the wounds are far more worse this time. Not to forget crazy, too. Two people don't break off temporarily to hook up with other people. They wouldn't be together after this under normal circumstances.”
“But those two people wouldn't have taken a break either!” I interrupted. “They would have broken up from the start. Ahana, we aren't normal. I thought we already established that.”
“I know that but, ugh—” She threw her hands in exasperation. “There are so many things. You cannot ignore everything. I can't ignore how dishonest you were. I can't ignore the things you hid purposefully from me. I'm not saying I'm innocent but atleast I was honest. You broke my trust, Vansh. How are we supposed to fix that? Just telling me you'll be honest from now on won't cut it.”
That silenced me. If I couldn't convince her that I would honest from now on then how else should I? Time seemed to be ticking off faster this time. She was standing right in front of me while I had my head downcast. It was true that I brought her here but I couldn't possibly withhold her like this forever. What should I do next? What should I say? Why couldn't I think of anything else? Why was I so dumb when it came to these things? Why, why...?
The air became thicker when she started to move. The ground seemed to be shaking all of a sudden. My eyes were stinging, my chest was tightening, my palms were starting to grow cold. Something told me that if I didn't do something then this would truly be the end. This was the end.
“Vansh?” Her voice came out startled when she viewed me from above while I dropped myself to my knees. I lowered my head, knowing how pathetic I must look right now. Was I begging, pleading? I didn't know. I blinked the tears that were falling fast to the ground. “What are you...?”
“Doing?” I completed her sentence, gathering my head between my hands. “I don't know myself. All that I know is I've told you what I could. I can't figure out what else to say. There's nothing else I could do right now but speak... Bu- but I won't give up still. If I do, then I don't know what else to do with myself. You are a part of me, how could I imagine separating from myself? I don't know how you are willing but I can't. I might move on later, find another love like every other broken person does but I won't find someone like you. I won't be able to go crazy with her and expect her to do the same. I won't be able to go on little adventures with her like I do with you. I won't be able to talk about college without remembering you. I won't be able to make love to her without remembering how it was like with you. Most importantly, I won't look her in the eye like I look at you. No one can even come close to replace you. No one can compete with us. Then why waste my life with a second hand love when I can just be with you? If we have survived through so many things then why the hell couldn't we make through this? But no, you don't even want to try. You want to live your life in tragedy. You'll leave to marry off with one of the rich, branded bastards that your father selected. You'll end up living a normal, monotonous life. Ugh, just imagining marriage makes me wanna rip his head off...”
I didn't know how long I was kneeling on the ground, rambling. Hell, she could have gotten away, taking my car with her and I'd be talking to myself for all I know. But somehow I had a feeling that wasn't the case. Forcing myself to stop talking for good, I lifted my head from the ground— only to blink my eyes at the sight of Ahana. She was here, crouching herself right next to me, her eyes drenched with tears. She even had one of my cold palms in hers. When did this happen? Did I finally lose my mind?
“I heard you, loud and clear, dear. I heard it all, so please—” she raised a finger to wipe a tear that just rolled down my eye and gave a crooked smile. “Stop crying.” Then cupping one of my cheeks with her warm, warm palm, she continued, “If you don’t mind, can you leave me alone for a bit? You can wait for me while I sit in your car. I need some time to think.”
“Yeah, sure, sure, do think about it! You can take as much time as you want. You can even take my car and go home but please...” My voice choked.
“I know but I can't say anything for now.” She got up then took my arm to help me stand up too. “Don't worry, I'm not bitchy enough to ditch you and steal the car that you just purchased. It looks cool though. We'll talk about that later.”
And then, off she went to sit in the backseat of the car. Knowing that she needed some time alone and possibly wouldn't want me to disturb by staring at her, I turned to the opposite side. Well, even if she ditched me off, I could just take an Uber. But I didn't know why. For some funny reason, my heart wouldn't stop pounding. And I meant that in a good way. My chest oddly felt lighter than before. Maybe it was her words that gave me hope, or maybe it was the glimmer of smile she gave before leaving.
Although that didn't stop me from checking out the updates in my smartphone, even though I wasn't reading the contents. I was just counting the minutes, one by one, telling my anxious heart to wait.
“Okay.”
I jumped, startled. For a second, I thought I was hallucinating when I heard her, but then I turned around to see her standing with her palms joined. It was only then her word registered in my head. Just one word. “Did you just said what I heard?”
She cocked her head to one side. “Yeah, I said okay, but on a few conditions.”
Holy heavens! Never did the word 'okay' made such significance in my life as it did today. This might be the best word ever discovered in the English dictionary. I was lost in bliss with that word when it occurred to me that she added something else too. I felt my brows knit. “On few conditions?”
“Yes,” She began to pace left and right, somewhat lost in a thought process, “It would be wrong to reunite right away and move on like that. So we won't. We won't be together right now. We will—”
My face paled, “Don't you dare mention another break, otherwise—”
“Of course I won't. That was just a one time thing. Uh, how do I put this?” she rubbed her chin, thoughtfully, “Instead we'll start from scratch. By being friends for instance.”
“Friends?!”
She sighed, “Basically in our case, it means, we won't date right now. We won't meet in person either. Which means no dates, no romantic gestures, no sex.
“Too cruel.”
“But we can still chat and talk on phone,” she said as if hearing that should make me feel better. Seeing my disheartened state, she added, “We can share our feelings from time to time if you like. You know, through messages and all. Look, this is just a temporary thing. I did this in order to give some time to our relationship. To bring us to normalcy. We'll keep going with this until the time is right. The day we see each other again, we date. If everything goes well that is.”
“And how long till we see each other again?” Please don't say one year. Please don't say nine months either.
“Three to four months should suffice,” she answered. That was somewhat reassuring to hear, though four months were still long. Just then Ahana pulled my cheek, surprising me. “You look so cute when you're sulking and crying... Oh, wait, I wasn't supposed to say that, was I? Ah, this is going to be difficult.”
“Well, we can make an exception this time. We can do anything we want tonight.”
Her expression morphed from surprise to something else. It was only for a moment before she averted her eyes, blushing but I caught on that look. Her dark, mischievous look that I knew too well. I smirked, “Your look tells me you've got much more interesting ideas for us tonight.”
She deadpanned, “Shut up.”
Something dawned in me. Something so overwhelming and painful that I felt the sudden urge to look away, “Can we sit in the car?” My voice was quiet, very quiet.
She agreed. When we settled down in the backseat of the car, I asked if I could hug her. She agreed to that as well. The moment I felt her body in my arms, all hell broke loose. I called her name, again and again. I felt her like it was my last day. And then, I cried. I cried like I had nothing to hide. Like my soul wanted to break free. Her hands ran up and down my back, comforting me. I kept asking if she was here to stay with me, that she wasn't planning on walking away this time. Her answers were broken whispers in my ear, eventually silencing my insecurities down. Her words brought peace to my soul. Even with all the fabric covering us, I could feel her familiar scent wafting my nostrils; feel her warmth seeping through my entire being. I was like an immigrant, searching for his home as he traveled endlessly through the lost lands.
I was finally home.
~
“You bought this car last week? But I never saw it.”
“Well, we were too busy bringing the apartment down with our shouts so...”
I was lying on my most favorite place while also getting to see my most favorite face. On her lap, viewing her face from below. I was telling her how I selected the car then bought on installment so I can pay back, month by month. Often she would stare at me lovingly and run her fingers on my hair. Even though we weren't official yet, I already felt like my life was back on track. Hell, I could marry her right now if I wanted to, just to keep her with me.
Later on, I slept peacefully on her lap. If sleeping on one's mother's lap considered to be the first, best place in the world then this should definitely top it as second. Despite being a short nap, it was a ton lot better than the almost sleepless nights I spent last week. When I blinked my eyes open, she stopped moving her fingers around my scalp. She called my name softly, making me glance back at her. She stole a glance at me before looking ahead. “Don't make me regret my decision. I gave in because your words made sense to me, too. Because you were serious about me. So this is my small request to you—” she looked down at me intently and my own eyes widened. “Please be honest with me, no matter what.”
It was then I saw past her eyes and her slightly trembling fingers— Fear. Fear of betrayal. Fear of getting her heart crushed. I began to understand her behavior. The reason why she was staying away. Why she was the one comforting me, rather than crying together? Why she put forth the friendship act in the first place? It hadn't hit her yet.
She wasn't convinced we were together.
The reason was simpler than any mathematical equation— she didn't trust me with my honesty. Unlike me, her wounds ran deeper. A chill ran my spine at the cold realization. Here I was, baring my heart out to her but she couldn't reciprocate as much. It hurt knowing that. To be honest, I didn't need to validate us by this arrangement. I had faith in us, but maybe, she didn't. She wanted to test the waters before plunging into the sea. In simple words, this was a test for me.
Which I intend to pass, no matter what.
I held her palm in mine and kissed it. “I'll prove it, Ahana. I'll be that honest Vansh from before. You can bet on it so—” I rose from her lap, wiping her teary eye with my fingers. I smiled despite the ache in my chest. “Please assure yourself that we are together.”
We spent an ample amount of time in the car, before her home calls started disturbing us, until I had no choice but to drop her home. We bid goodbye atleast thirty times before she departed for good. It was difficult to let her go, knowing that it would be a long while before I meet her again. But I had no choice. I had to wait if I wanted to win her back.
⚫ ⚪ ⚫ ⚪ ⚫
A u t h o r s N o t e
💕 H a p p y V a l e n t i n e s D a y 💕
An early update. I wasn't intending to post this chapter now but did so because it ends on a hopeful note and today is Valentines. So why not? Hope you found it as emotional as I did while writing it. Do share your thoughts about it. Anything else that you would like to say to Vansh, you can. This chapter was my gift for all you readers. Hope you are happy with this. 😊😊
Vote and comment.
And look forward to the next chapter. 😉