I felt lighter and happier than I'd ever been. Wala na yung bigat na matagal kong tinago dahil sa naging closure namin ni Rohann. That part of me left with him when he went back to the States.
Napansin din ng dalawang kapatid ko yung mood ko kaya napilitan akong sabihin sa kanila ang ginawa ko. They were befuddled at first, naturally, but after a few explanations, naintindihan din naman nila bakit kinailangan kong gawin 'yon.
May napansin din pala ako kina Kuya Andrei at Kuya Jacob. Hindi na sila gano'n ka-overprotective sa 'kin. Mas naiintindihan na nila ang mga decisions ko at 'di na rin sila gaanong nakikialam. I guess they respected me now. Finally, adult na ang tingin nila sa 'kin. Kahit papaano, may maganda din palang outcome yung naging feud namin.
This Saturday noon, walang pasok si Kuya Jacob. Si Kuya Andrei rin but he left the house early dahil may swimming practice pa ito kasama ang team niya. It was a pretty chill and laidback weekend. Ang plano ko nga magma-marathon ako ng How To Get Away With Murder kaso naputol naman ang panonood ko nang biglang tumawag sa 'kin si Kuya Jacob sa phone.
That's right. Imbis na pumanhik at kausapin ako, tinawagan na lang ako ng tamad kong kapatid.
"Why? I'm watching. You're disturbing me."
"Watch later. Baba ka dito. Order mo 'ko ng Jollibee."
"What? Ikaw na lang. Order online. It works."
"Ayoko. Tinatamad ako. Dali na."
"Kuya naman." I pouted.
"Please? I'm craving for some champ. Dali, libre kita ng chicken joy. Yung bucket."
Nakakainis na matakaw din talaga ako. I was easily sold as soon as I heard the word libre.
"Fine. Let's see if you can afford my cravings."
Humalakhak siya. "Just fucking order, Javee. Bilisan mo. I'm starving."
"Fuck you," I said with a laugh, already going out of my room.
With light steps, I climbed down the stairs and went to the living room to dial the fastfood. Nasa gaming room ang kupal, no doubt naglalaro ng Xbox.
Nasa kalagitnaan ako ng pagbibigay ng order sa agent nang may tumatawag na naman ulit. Still my brother but this time he was video-calling me.
I pressed the accept button and his dumb face instantly went on screen.
I excused myself from the agent and said, "Ano na naman?"
"I forgot to say. Order mo 'ko ng sundae."
"You're really too much," I said, incredulous.
"Just order it. I need to make sure you fucking order it."
I could only smile at his antics. Hoshet. Ang weird din talaga ng kapatid kong 'to. "Fine," and proceeded to relay his order to the agent.
After dumating ng mga inorder namin, sabay kaming nag-dinner ni Kuya. Come to think of it, this was our first dinner alone na walang buffer. As in, kaming dalawa lang. I had mixed feelings about it. Okay naman na kasi kami ni Kuya pero parang may something pa rin. It wasn't that blatant pero may awkwardness pa rin? Hindi ko alam. Maybe it was just me.
Anyway, masaya na rin ako dahil nag-e-effort naman siya na ibalik ang dati namin na samahan. I appreciated it a lot, especially coming from a player who's only used to getting what he wants.
Oo nga pala. Speaking of another player, Angelo messaged me three days before Christmas. Ni hindi man lang nag-explain. It was just a simple, Happy Holidays, Jamie V. You've been missed. 'Yon lang. Nag-reply ako to tell him I missed him a lot pero tinawanan niya lang 'yon hanggang sa mauwi na sa iba ang usapan. Gano'n gano'n lang. We talked as if he didn't ghost me for weeks. As if I wasn't under the mercy of my torturous thoughts for weeks.
Pero hinayaan ko na lang din. I guessed that was that. Maybe I'd learn to understand Angelo someday. Or maybe not. Mahirap din kasi talagang intindihin ang pagiging unpredictable niya. He wouldn't be Angelo if he wasn't like this after all. It's what made him special all along. Pero in fairness ha. Hindi na talaga ako tinigilan ng ginawa niyang 'yon. What he said was constantly nagging at the back of my mind, whispering, niggling, making me extra cautious and attentive to everything around me. Pero I wasn't finding fault in Racel ha. 'Di naman sa gano'n. Parang masyado lang akong naging alert sa mga kinikilos niya.
Like this Christmas celebration, for instance. We decided to celebrate it on the 24th nang kaming dalawa lang. Nagpunta kami sa The Farm at San Benito para ma-enjoy namin ang quietude ng lugar and mas makapag-focus kami sa isa't isa without the pressing distractions of the metro life. Okay naman siya all throughout—well, almost, kasi nung umaga nasa 'kin lang ang attention niya but by the time evening came, iniwan niya ako para sumagot ng tawag. And mind you. It was a long call. From his parents daw so I let it be but thanks to Angelo, ginugulo ako ng isip ko at napaparanoid ako kung totoo bang magulang niya ang kausap niya.
I know. I was being unfair and unreasonable here. Racel didn't do anything to warrant any suspicion from me. Kasalanan talaga 'to nung sinabi ni Angelo. At saka, wala naman signs si Racel na pinaparamdam sa 'kin para bigyan ko ng malisya ang bawat tawag sa kanya o maghinala ako sa mga kinikilos niya. In fact, sa buong araw namin dito sa The Farm, ang intimate niya sa 'kin. He opened up his plans for the future after he graduated. He even talked to me about his extended family. Even yung history ng grandparents niya. There was nothing odd in our relationship kaya na-gui-guilty ako na naghinala ako in the first place.
I didn't wanna be that overbearing overly-attached monster girlfriend so I went to the spa to get a massage na lang to clear my head habang may kausap pa siya. I sent a text message to tell him I'd be going para hindi siya magulat na nawala ako.
The massage did in fact help me ease my thoughts. By the time I was done, Racel was waiting for me outside.
"Had fun?" bungad niya with that soft Gutierez half smile plastered on his face while his arms were opening wide to me. Tinitingnan ko pa lang 'yon, nanlalambot na ang mga tuhod ko at inuusig ako lalo ng konsensya ko. How could I frigging doubt this man when he'd always been this honest to me?
"The best!" I beamed, stepping into the safe confines of his embrace.
Naglakad-lakad kami under the stars for a few minutes, soaking up the calming atmosphere of the place and adoring the lushness of the place. Napansin ko during that entire time, naka-turn off na ang phone niya kaya wala nang istorbo. Maybe he was done greeting his parentals kaya gano'n. Thinking that way, I suddenly felt bad for doubting him even for just an infinitesimal moment.
We ate dinner in the restaurant here. Sakto rin na nagdatingan na ang mga Christmas greetings ng mga kaibigan at kaklase ko. I sent my own greetings to the girls, to Lhyle, and the boys. Then I sent a video greeting to my folks as well. I made sure na kasama si Racel sa video message ko para kampante naman sila at alam nilang masaya ako kahit na hindi ko sila kasama this season.
Matapos namin kumain ng dessert, Racel spoke up.
"I forgot to say. I'm going to Camiguin this 28th. I'll spend the New Year there. Wanna come with me?"
"I can't. Uuwi sina Kuya Trav at Kuya Chris n'yan para sama-sama kami sumalubong. Buti nga pinayagan pa ako ng mga 'yon na mag-spend ng Christmas away from them." It was a first, really. A miracle. But I guess that was another sign na sineseryoso nila yung cry for independence ko. "Sorry, baby. Next time?" I smiled apologetically.
He reached for my hand and kissed my knuckles, silently waving my apology away. "Next time then." I loved it when he'd brush his fingers across the back of my hand in that soothing manner. Ang gaan sa pakiramdam. Itong mga little gestures talaga na 'to ang nagustuhan ko sa kanya.
I sighed in contentment, enjoying the contact. That short intimate moment was only broken when my phone pinged.
Mathev sent a text.
It's enough to have baby Ash for now. 'Wag mong sundan. Kukutusan kita.
Napabitaw ako kay Racel sa nabasa ko at agad na nag-init ang mga pisngi ko. Dumbfounded, I typed furiously.
Me:
Stop corrupting my innocent mind!!
His reply came in a beat.
Mathev:
I'm warning you, kid.
Me:
I swear. Walang ganon!! SMH!!
Sobrang namumula siguro ako dahil nag-angat ng kilay si Racel at pinagmasdan ng mabuti ang mukha ko. "What's wrong?"
"W-wala. Mathev's just being dumb."
He raised his brows, genuinely piqued. "What did he say?"
"N-nothing," I stuttered, which was a dead give away. He obviously realized what was going on because amusement danced in his eyes and that playful sparkle was back on his face.
"Tell him I can't promise anything. Especially if you'll initiate it," he joked, his voice laced with playfulness.
Halos sumabog ang dibdib ko sa paghuhuramentado ng sistema ko. "Baliw! What the hell are you saying?!" I cleared my throat and tried to gather my composure, praying to God my cheeks weren't as bright as tomatoes. "A-anyway, sino kasama mo papuntang Camiguin?"
Mukhang gusto niya pa akong pag-tripan. Halata naman sa ngiti na namumutawi sa mukha niya pero dahil siguro sa extreme discomfort ko kaya pinalampas niya na rin.
But still, nando'n pa rin yung teasing smile niya. Ugh. "Just the team. Really hope you can come with us though. I really want to go on an out-of-town date with you."
"We had naman, a? We went to Baguio."
"You know that's not what I mean."
"Hm. Maybe next year. Sa summer? Promise. We can try Amanpulo? I haven't tried that yet."
He nodded his head. "Better make sure, 'cause I'll certainly take you up on that offer. Block your schedule for me," sabi niya in what sounded like a plea. It didn't look like it pero para na rin siyang nag-po-pout. His own version, I guess. Gosh. Ang cute niya din talaga kapag may gusto siyang hilingin.
I stifled a grin. "Opo, boss."
That whole night, we talked and talked, until I fell asleep on his chest. When I woke up the next morning to his sleepy sexy voice, I swear it was the best Christmas gift I could ever receive. I could get used to it. Promise. Even just thinking of that future with him was enough to make my head spin and send my heart into a frenzy.
We checked out around noon and went to Tagaytay to spend the rest of the Christmas. Remember the place where we had the Youth Camp? Dinala niya ako doon. Nakakatuwa dahil naaalala pa ako ng staff nila doon. This time, Racel was confident in introducing me as his girl.
We navigated through the maze again, reliving each memory. I was bubbling with joy until we reached the part where Angelo pulled out a pad. Then what he said echoed in my head again.
Break up with Racel na lang.
Napahinto ako sa paglalakad. My heart pounded loudly in my ears. Noticing I wasn't beside him anymore, Racel stopped as well and went back to me. "You wanna take a picture?"
Biting my lip, I cast my gaze on the ground, feeling conflicted. Hindi pwede yung ganito. Ayoko nang paulit-ulit akong ganito. It wasn't fair to him and it certainly wasn't healthy for me. I was harboring ill thoughts that I should've dispelled a long time ago.
Napabuntonghininga ako. Should I tell him my fears? We promised to be transparent to each other, 'di ba? Pero kung sasabihin ko, he'd dig around for sure. Ayoko naman na mag-away na naman sila ni Angelo.
Thinking of a way, I mustered up my courage, drew a long breath, and looked up to meet his gaze. "Say, baby. You're really mine, right?"
"Always," he said firmly, nodding, as the gap between his brows creased with confusion, no doubt unexpecting of my question.
"There's no one else? Ako lang talaga?"
"Of course, baby," he confirmed but this time, a frown occupied his handsome face as he searched my eyes for explanations.
"Wala naman akong dapat malaman, 'di ba? Wala kang dapat sabihin sa 'kin?"
Using both of his hands, he gently steered my body toward his so that we'd be facing each other. He then rested them on my forearms as he scrutinized me. "Baby, what's going on? What brought this on? Did I do something wrong?"
The nervousness in his voice forced all of my doubts to a violent stop. The intense fear in his expression was heartbreaking and once again, I was reminded na kasalanan ko kung bakit hindi siya secured sa relationship namin. That time in the past when I broke all ties with him was still at the back his mind.
My heart squeezing, I said in a rush, "Nothing! You certainly did nothing wrong! Gusto ko lang marinig. Sorry for scaring you."
He stared at me for a full second, making sure I was telling the truth, before his shoulders sagged in relief.
"You have nothing to worry about." Nilapat niya ang kamay ko sa dibdib niya. "This is only yours—it had always been that way since day one. All of it. All of me. I swear it. I'm all yours."
Moved, I nodded and allowed a smile to take over my face. Now what could I say to that? Hindi pa ba sapat na reassurance 'yon?
I threaded my fingers through his and looked around, marvelling at the nostalgia hitting me. "Remember the last time we were here? I told you we can't be friends."
He squeezed my hand. "And now we're more than that. I remember that day clearly. It was the first time I got rejected. I remember how miserable I felt."
"Worst decision of my life, ever. But now we've gone full circle. Letting you go made me feel shit back then, kung alam mo lang. But now, with you here, by my side, it feels like I'm back on track. Everything just clicked into place after I said yes."
Racel flashed that sexy Gutierez smile. "I still remember what I said then." He brought his hand close to my face and traced the tips of his fingers down my cheeks. "You really are his sister. You're dangerous," he paused and breathed out, "but I'll accept your danger any day."
Shivering under his touch, I tiptoed, reached over to grab his face and pressed a light kiss on his lips. "I love you, RCG," I said as I was pulling farther away but Racel snaked an arm around my waist to press me against his body and deepened the kiss. Mabuti na lang at walang tao ngayon dito sa maze. Most of them were in the activity area to watch the live band. I wrapped my arms around his neck and poured out all of my love into that kiss. Hindi ko na nga namalayan kung gaano katagal kaming gano'n. Basta eventually, we had to stop to catch our ragged breaths.
My heart was leaping in happiness and love for Racel. We'd certainly come a long way. Kung hindi enough 'to para patunayan yung sincerity niya sa 'kin, I didn't know what would.
So I made a decision. Regardless of what everybody would say, I'd stand by him and trust him with all that I have. Siguro nagkamali lang si Angelo. Siguro kung ano man ang reason niya para sabihin 'yon, misunderstanding lang ang lahat.
Ah, basta. Ayoko nang pag-isipan pa 'yon at sirain ang araw na 'to. I decided to focus on the here and now, and that's exactly what I did.
Christmas ended in a haze of bliss, warm kisses and unspoken promises for me. On the evening of the 26th, hinatid na ako ni Racel. Pag-uwi ko sa bahay, nadatnan ko ang sasakyan ni Lhyle sa labas ng gate. One of our housekeepers said Lhyle was up in my room. Wala ngayon ang boys. Kuya Jacob was partying at some bar with the rest of his crowd.
Naabutan ko si Lhyle na tinitingnan ang mga litrato sa bookshelf ko. Nakapatay ang ilaw kaya medyo madilim. Ang tanging nagsisilbing ilaw lang, yung fairylights na nakadikit sa headboard ng kama ko.
Lumapit ako sa kanya, not bothering to make my steps discreet. "You should really know how to respect my privacy, bes. Anybody ever told you 'you can't just barge into a girl's room unannounced'?"
He scoffed, not taking his eyes off the photos. Right now, he was looking at our high school photo with Ahron, Maxxie & Anjo. Even in our kabataan days, Ahron was already the fashionista diva that she is. Maxxie was in her comfy usual wear and Anjo, well, kikay pa rin. I was wearing my bomber jacket, my hair cut so short, that I kind of resembled a guy. Slight. Naka-akbay ako kay Lhyle na ngiting ngiti sa camera. It was a shot taken by his cousin.
"Since when did you become a girl?" sabi niya habang titig na titig sa boyish kong style noon.
"Tss. Contrary to popular belief, I'm still a girl, asshole," I bit back.
He chuckled and finally flicked his gaze over to me. "I know, dummy. I was kidding." He crossed the distance between my shelves and my bed and sat on the foot of my bed. He patted the empty space beside him, urging me to sit.
Lumapit ako pero hindi ako umupo sa tabi niya. Pinanood kong mabuti ang pagbabago ng emosyon sa mukha niya. May nararamdaman akong kakaiba kay Lhyle. Nagsimula 'to nung inaya niya akong lumabas bago ang birthday bash niya. Since then, hindi na talaga nawala 'tong weird gut feeling ko sa kanya. "Something on your mind?" I bit my lip, feeling nervous.
Lhyle gave that soft smile he rarely showed. "Remember when we were kids? Ang tomboy tomboy mo? Sobrang pangit mo dahil ang ikli ng buhok mo, ang dumi mo lagi dahil sa pag-s-skateboard, ta's lagi ka pang naka-jumper?"
I laughed lightly. "Yeah. Pero mas pangit ka."
He leaned back slightly, drawing a sigh. "Man, those were the days. Akala ko lagi na kitang kasama hanggang sa pagtanda. 'Kala ko wala na kong kawala sa kapangitan mo. I couldn't actually see a future without you dati. I built up a life around this friendship, you know?"
Kumunot ang noo ko sa sinabi niya. My heart skipped a beat. The constant use of the past tense assailed me with anxiety. "What? What do you mean?"
Lhyle kept quiet for a second. He ran a hand through his hair, seemingly at a loss for words, pondering. He was looking at everything else except at me.
I knew that look. Not only was he stalling, he was looking for the right words to say.
"What is it? Spill, c'mon." Mas lalo akong kinakabahan sa paghinto niya.
He brought his eyes to mine and gave the most apologetic look. "Sorry, J. Seems I can't keep that promise anymore. Dad got assigned to Singapore. We're going with him."
Bago pa ako makasagot, dinagdag niya. "We're going to live there. This time for good."
I sucked in my breath, my chest skidding. One second, two seconds, three. Inabot yata ng ilang minuto na hindi ako nakapagsalita at tinitingnan lang siya. I was waiting for him to drop the bomb, na joke lang ang lahat. But Lhyle had a solemn expression on as he read my reaction.
"No way. For good na talaga?"
"Yeah," he breathed out.
"But why? Pa'no college mo?"
"I'll transfer. Dad will arrange everything."
"'Di ba pwedeng dito ka na lang? Or kahit hanggang graduation lang?"
"I tried saying that to Dad, believe me. But then I realized I can't leave Mom all alone in a foreign country." He rose to his feet, his look softening, and he lifted a hand to my face. "Hey, why are you crying? Stop it."
Napakurap ako. Hindi ko namalayan na tumutulo na pala ang mga luha ko. Damn. Ang bigat sa pakiramdam. Bakit sobrang biglaan? Damn talaga! Was this year just an endless cycle of leaving and getting left behind?
"Dammit, J. Stop crying. I'm leaving for a while, not dying. I'll visit."
Humikbi ako. "Hindi ako sanay nang wala ka dito."
"We can still talk. Hell, we can even Skype everyday. Just stop the fucking tears. Don't make this hard for me. I'll message you everyday, okay?"
I knew he would. There was no doubt in me about that. I trusted Lhyle and our bond with my whole spirit. But I wasn't oblivious enough to not know how life really worked. Syempre, may mga priorities din siya doon. Hindi mailalayo na magkakaroon na rin siya ng sarili niyang mga kaibigan doon, sarili niyang buhay. He'd have another life there, a life without us, and I guess I was just afraid of the idea of growing up and growing apart. Drifting apart. Staying apart. Lhyle was not just a bestfriend to me but already a brother. He was a piece of my puzzle. I wouldn't be complete without him. Nasanay na ako sa kanya. Since I was a kid, lagi na siyang nandyan. It was always Lhyle and Javee. What would I do without him?
"It won't be the same without you," I told him, my chest rising and falling with sobs.
"I know. I'll miss you guys so much, too. But c'mon. We can do this. Tayo pa ba?"
I fisted my hands around the hem of his shirt as I buried my face in the crook of his neck. Grabe. I never realized how dependent I was on him. Nung nandito pa kasi siya without the danger of going away, hindi ko napapansin 'yon kahit 'di kami lagi magkasama. Kasi alam kong nandyan lang naman siya. It was just the way things were, the norm, the standard. He was a constant, a solid rock, a fixed point. But now it's being taken away.
I guessed it's one of those moments when you won't realize what you have until it was gone. Or in the danger of going away.
"Don't you dare forget us," I told him in tears, sobbing hard, my body shaking.
"Of course, baby. This friendship is for keeps." His strong arms settled around me in a comforting way as he rested his chin on top of my head.
"Bakit gano'n? Parang lahat na lang umaalis. Mom and Dad are rarely home. Kuya Travis and Kuya Chris are always going out. Bihira na lang din umuwi si Kuya Andrei. And si Kuya Jacob naman na nandito, medyo awkward pa rin kami. Bakit pati ikaw aalis?"
He inhaled softly, placing a warm palm on the back of my head to secure me against his toned chest. "I guess that's life, J. People come and go. You need to learn how to let them go." He added softly, "You need to know when to keep people and hold on, and when to accept things and leave them as they are."
"I hate change. I hate change at all. Ayoko nang may nawawala at nagbabago."
"But change is the only true constant in the world, J. It's not that bad, you'll see. And I'm not leaving the friendship behind anyway. So don't miss me too much, okay?"
He's right. Nobody is constant. People are bound to come and leave. Some are just a lesson you need to learn, some just a brief phase. But either way, they leave a lasting effect on who you are as a whole kaya each and every person you meet and lose are just as important as those who stay. Tama si Lhyle. The sooner I accept this fact, the better I'd be in the future.
"If you replace me, I'll kill you," I warned.
Tumawa siya. "I know. I'll kill myself too."
I nodded and hugged him tighter, crying, waiting for the fear of the future and pang of longing to go away.
(It never did.)