I miss his lips, i miss everything about him. I've been up for about what? 2 hours now and i've just been crying my eyes out. Im in my white bed cuddling with my brown teddy my father bought me. I'm sitting up and thinking. I'm alone for the first time in what it seems forever, just my dog Norman and i. I want to get out there, meet people and socialise, but this anxiety is holding me back. I don't want to face the world, it's so cruel. Reese, Courteney and Chelsea have been calling me none stop to see if i'm okay, i haven't answered. Being so down sucks, i see no happiness at all. I just think, does anyone even care if i left? I hate these thoughts. I looked over at my dresser, i see a picture of Brad and i. I can't hold back these tears.
"Ah!" i through my pillow across the room in frustration because of these thoughts. I start to violently cry again, covering my face with my hands.
I force myself to get out of bed. As i walk into the bathroom i see a bunch of brads old tablets he needed for stuff. I take a look at them, think and then i looked away. I don't want them thoughts, not now. I pick up m tooth brush and start my timer from 2 minutes, then rinse my mouth with mouth wash.
I felt like i was forcing myself to move places, my body was so heavy. I wanted to go downstairs to make food but truth is, i'm not even hungry or have an appetite.
Going downstairs makes me feel very dizzy. When i was at the end of the stairs i was greeted by a big bundle of fluff jumping on me. He's so cute and makes me incredibly happy. He follows me into the living room where i turn the tv and flick through the channels for something to watch. "Friends" is always on, still after many years. I decided to put it on as it does make me happy thinking about all them good memories i had. It was the episode where "ross and rachel have a baby". Which to my luck, started to make me sad. I always wanted a family with Brad, that safe household feeling with a beautiful family. Thats all i wanted and especially with someone i loved as much as Brad. Quite frankly, i don't think i'll find that again.