Story: Shade of Blue | An Eyeless Jack Creepypasta Fanfic|
By: @JigsawBabydoll
Story Rating: 7
Grammar Rating: A-
Originality: 3.5
So first thing I have gotten into the habit of addressing! Title and description. I adore the title but the description could use a bit of work. It's mostly passable but can definitely be worked on!
Now, I was very conflicted reading this story. Let me say right now that it's not a terrible story and it sorta leans toward one of the better ones I've read. However, it felt like I was reading the same cliche story you always see on wattpad, just with a few tweaks, much better grammar, and a more developed universe.
It felt too much like I was reading the same chapter and the same problems over and over again. Something bad happens, someone's hurt, Devin patches them up, EJ and Lucy fight, EJ's a dick, Lucy says something biting and cries, they make up, occasional fight scenes with the occasional training practice thrown in.
It was just the exact same scenario in almost every chapter. It's the reason I just stopped reading where I was. I didn't feel like I was getting much new information that would change this viewpoint and if 18 chapters couldn't do that, another 8 more probably wouldn't have changed it much more.
Another huge problem that enforced me not wanting to finish the story before reviewing it was the incredible amount of inconsistencies. EJ and Lucy are just walking messes with no control of their emotions or life. They jumped between everything they felt or thought and it was tiring trying to keep up and understand. Not only was it their personalities, but there were little things like the timeline was a bit jumbled as well.
I'm going to be completely honest. EJ and Lucy's relationship was not one I was rooting for, nor was Lucy herself a character I loved. I found her to be too much of a damsel in distress. Too often did things fuck up because the girl was too dumb to listen or reacted without thinking. It got to the point where I was just rolling my eyes and groaning when she found herself in a rough situation.
Now, onto the length of the chapters. I'm not usually one to complain about long chapters but with all the repetition, it just became painful to be reading these uber long chapters that always vaguely reminded me exactly of something that happened in one of the previous chapters. I wouldn't have minded their length if I was getting new information.
Grammar and spelling checks would be good to see. It's not a huge problem but there's an occasional mistyped word or phrase that had me rereading a bit to understand what you had originally been trying to put.
You should find a way to more smoothly insert your flashbacks/ jumps back in time. The whole
*Two Years Ago*
isn't something you should be doing as a writer. You could easily have the character continue narrating without having to literally jump back in time to write something that happened in the past. It could be as easy as, "It happened two years ago. I tried to forget it but the memory was still fresh, as if it had happened yesterday..." and then continue on.
Enough of that for now though. Please do not think I hated your story. If I did, I wouldn't have literally spent all day trying to finish it. It definitely had a good amount of redeeming qualities.
For one, you do seem to have a very well developed universe. I have to give you extra props for that, as it's one of the harder things to do.
You are very good at remembering what your characters are going through. With those long chapters, I'm impressed.
I'm relatively okay with how you write the creepypastas. When I first started reading, it was like a shock because I still have my own character sets for them so firmly in my head and yours go almost completely against mine. But they grew on me. I did feel like a lot of the crazy was taken from them and their personalities were being forced into doing what you needed them to do versues what they actually would do.
I really do admire a lot of little things in your story. More than anything, I do believe this is a story that has a very solid foundation and has been built from the ground up with much love and dedication. I hope my review doesn't make you want to quit writing it because that's the exact opposite of why I do this. I hope it inspires in you a want to fix your story up; I hope you really take my words to heart and start looking into the things I pointed out to begin fixing your story, because I really do think it has a solid chance of being amazing.
Lucy could use some work. Her character is all over the place and such a damsel. EJ needs to chill with his overprotectiveness. Slender is too easy of an answer to go to all the time. It would be nice to see a real struggle, one that didn't involve life threatening wounds or impossible chances of winning. I want to see something that truly tests what your character's have in them.
That's all I can think of for now. I just want to congratulate you on how far you've come with your story. Hopefully, you'll continue to grow even more with it.