Chapter 22 ― Just friends
I sat on the bed my legs crossed in a yoga position. Zayn, still a tad sleepy, sat across me with his eyes fixed on me. I smiled shyly not knowing how to start but sure that I had to say something and break the ice. He ruffled his hands through his hair a bit, messing with it and I knew he was waiting for me to speak.
“So…” I started clumsily. “I noticed you seem a bit down lately and I thought maybe you would like to talk about it, you know?” I wanted to hit myself because obviously I didn’t come to his room to say that. I sighed as he arched an eyebrow.
“I believe you know what is really happening, Alex. You don’t have to pretend,” he replied; I sighed again and looked down ashamed of my cowardice. I knew it was going to be an awkward conversation, but I couldn’t postpone it any longer.
“I know,” I accepted. “It’s just that I can’t find the words and… I don’t want to make you uncomfortable and… this is very awkward and…” I trailed off not meeting his eyes.
“I already told you I fancy you, it’s not a secret, Alex, and I know you don’t feel the same way. Now you’re with Niall,” he said in a plain tone and I looked up at him incapable of not feeling sorry for him. His situation reminded me of Phebs who also wanted to be with someone who had feelings for another person. It wasn’t fair, for any of them, and I wanted so bad for them to find the right person.
“I’m sorry, Zayn,” I whispered and he shook his head.
“Don’t be, you don’t have any reason to be sorry about. It’s not your fault, Alex. I know it’s awkward and it’s gonna be for a while–”
“But we can’t help it, right?” I finished for him and he smiled weakly. “You’re my friend and I don’t wanna lose that. That’s why I’m here, because I want you to know that I love you, like a friend, like a best friend. I’m sorry if that’s not enough, but it’s all I can offer.”
“And I’ll be fine with that, Alex. You’re my friend too and I don’t wanna lose you either.” He extended his hand and grabbed mine, with his thumb he stroked the back of my hand. “I just wanna know why. Why Niall and not me? I truly believe that we had a connection at the beginning, that we had more in common.”
And I also believed that we had more in common. We did, in fact, but this was bigger than having things in common, was something that I couldn’t explain.
“It’s different. What I feel with Niall is different, the way he makes me feel is different. I didn’t want to feel like this but I couldn’t help it. Niall has something that I can’t describe. I’d love to tell you exactly what it is, but I can’t,” I expressed with a little smile as I thought of the Irish boy.
“I understand,” he whispered in a low voice. I looked for his eyes and when our glances met I knew he was sad and that he wanted things to be different, but he accepted and respected my choice. “Tell me one last thing. Did I have a chance?”
I felt my heart aching because I wanted to say yes, I wanted to give him at least that, but I never saw Zayn with other eyes but as a friend. I shook my head slightly and he looked away for a few seconds before staring at me again. “Thanks. For being honest, I mean.” I nodded because I couldn’t talk, I had a lump in my throat.
“I can promise you something, though,” I blurted out and he looked at me raising an eyebrow in questioning. “I can promise you that there won’t do any PDA in front of you. We won’t make things more difficult than they already are.”
He smiled gratefully and so did I. I couldn’t tell him that everything was going to be the same between us, not yet at least; I couldn’t tell him that I was going to be with him either, because I wanted Niall; but I could promise him that I was going to be more considerate. It was the least I could do.
“Well, I think I gotta go. It’s really late and I should be sleeping as we’re heading to another city tomorrow.”
“Yeah, you’re right. G’night, Alex,” he said rising to his feet.
I did the same and walked to the door. “Good night, Zayn,” I smiled looking at him. He gave me a hug that lasted more than usual, but I didn’t complain nor pulled away. “See ya tomorrow.” He nodded and opened his door so I could finally leave.
I still felt like there was a tension between us but I hoped things would get better between us. I hoped we could go back to being the friends we were and put all this behind us. I didn’t want to lose a friend, even more, I didn’t want to lose Zayn.
* * *
Time flew by and we almost didn’t notice it. From city to city, from concert to concert, days passed by and we got new and good memories. We had been almost three weeks with the boys on tour and it had been an unforgettable experience for all of us. But with every day that passed, I knew that a crucial moment was coming closer.
Niall and I were so… well, happy. We went out every time we could, going to some restaurants, or just walking at night, or we just stayed at the hotel sometimes, watching a movie, cuddling, and, of course, kissing. I was still in this honeymoon stage of our relationship, we didn’t even care about how the guys teased us every day. We kept it as private as possible, avoiding all kind of PDA not only for Zayn, but also for the tabloids. But mostly for Zayn. We even talked about that.
“You know about Zayn, right?” I asked Niall one night when we stayed in his room whilst the rest of the guys went out clubbing. He looked at me frowning a bit until he realised what I meant.
“Oh… yeah, I know. That’s why I never told him how I feel about you,” he replied kissing my forehead. “That’s why I got so jealous when you were with him, too,” he confessed and I could only smile.
“Aw, jealous Niall!” I teased him pecking his lips. “But going back to Zayn, it’s so awkward and I thought we shouldn’t make things harder for him, you know? I talked about this with him, too.”
“I understand what you mean. Aye, you’re right,” he agreed and I smiled kissing his lips one more time. “But please, don’t spend too much time with him alone,” he asked me and I looked at him confused. “I know you would never try something with him and he’s one of my best mates, but… I guess I don’t wanna take any risk regarding you.”
I stared at him still surprised processing his words, understanding what he meant and trying to put myself in his position. We had in common that we both were very insecure and insecurity led to jealousy and in order to avoid that, we had to be sincere to each other. He was doing that.
“Got it. And don’t worry,” I told him kissing his lips sweetly and he responded enthusiastically.
By now, things with Zayn didn’t seem that awkward and I could be next to him without feeling his eyes fixed on me with desire lingering in his glance. I felt him more like my friend than as a boy who fancied me. And I took that as an improvement.
The tour was going great, every time they were sold out and they always gave their best at the stage. I grew to really love their catchy and pop music to the point that I knew by heart all the lyrics of their songs. They were all very proud of me.
“Hey, love. What’re you doing?” Niall asked sitting next to me in my bunk on the bus.
I was with my macbook on my lap just tumbling and I showed him. He wrapped his arm around my waist and pulled me closer, I immediately rested my head in the crook of his shoulder. “We’re almost there. Are you excited?” he asked me and I smiled.
Our next destination: Manchester. That meant seeing my brother. Of course I was excited and nervous at the same time because Ethan was meeting Niall. I never introduced a boyfriend to my brother, maybe because deep down I thought none of those boys were going to be approved by my brother, so why even bother? But Niall was different, I knew that and I was sure Ethan was going to see it as well. Or at least I hoped he would see it.
“Of course!” I replied smiling widely. “You’re all gonna love him,” I added as Niall kissed the top of my head.
“I’m sure we will. I’m a tad nervous, though,” confessed Niall and I left my macbook aside to hug him.
“Don’t worry. Ethan is a nice guy… most of the time.” I felt him tensing and I laughed. “Relax, everything’s gonna be fine. This is the first time I’m gonna introduce a boyfriend to him and I warned him to be nice.”
“Boyfriend, uh?” he mused smiling cockily.
“Yeah, I won’t introduce you as the boy I’m dating or just my friend. I don’t really care about labels, but Ethan is very protective.”
“I like how it sounds. I like saying that you’re my girlfriend.” His smile was so cute. “I wasn’t sure if I had to ask you formally or not. You’re not like other girls.”
“I know, I’m pretty unique. Sometimes I think I come from another planet,” I teased and he chuckled. “No, but I understand. Now, for your information, I have considered you ‘my boyfriend’ for a long time. Practically, since the third date.”
He smiled as he cupped my face and put our lips together for a sweet kiss that soon became more passionate. I just loved the taste of his lips, the way our mouths fit together. I loved his kisses and I could never get enough of them.
“Ew, no PDA in the bus!” We heard someone screaming and broke the kiss to see Louis covering his eyes. “I came here looking for my wife because I’m starving but I find her with her lover snogging and now I lost my appetite. Thank you very much!” He complained and I chuckled.
“Would you forgive me if I bake you carrot muffins?” I traded and he uncovered his eyes to fix them on me.
“Carrot muffin?” He asked with sparkly eyes and I nodded. “I LOVE YOU, WIFE!!” He cried out jumping on me and hugging me tightly, forgetting that Niall was there, laughing at us.
“Hey, I want food, too! I claim privileges as your boyfriend!” Niall protested trying to get Louis off me.
“If I can’t move, I can’t bake,” I told them and soon I was free with the two boys standing in front of my bed. I laughed at the fact that I could make them do almost everything if I offered the right food. “Let’s go. I’ll make something for you two.”
I made my way to the kitchen of the bus and looked for the ingredients, as the two boys were close, smiling and looking at me with puppy eyes. They only missed the tails! I laughed to myself as I finally started to cook something for them knowing that soon I was going to have other three mouths to feed as well.