Lazily opening my eyes, my pupils focused only slowly on my surroundings. A few more blinks were necessary to awake fully. I stretched my sore muscles very mildly and groaned inaudibly because I hated the achy feeling in my body. There was no point in my frustration, and I had to accept that those were the last times I had to battle these unwanted side-effects since my chemotherapy had officially come to an end a few days ago.
The mere thought of now being in remission was a relief and made me forget about the pain in my limbs. I rolled on my side and saw the younger woman lying on her stomach, still sleeping peacefully next to me. The past night had been quite emotional on me but her compassion had made me feel safe enough to let myself cleanse for the emotional distress. I remembered her holding me close and not letting go while I had cried for a quite a while. At some point I had fallen asleep and I felt like a new person this morning. Maybe that little outburst had been my way to cope and find closure on a very emotionally charged chapter of my life.
I couldn’t have been more grateful for Camila. My eyes took in every little detail of the sleeping beauty. Her light-brown hair covered half of her face while her naked shoulders and upper back were almost completely exposed, due to the blanket only covering her lower body. I started caressing her shoulder blades softly. My fingertips barely made contact but I felt the warmth of her body instantly. It was not a conscious effort to wake her but looking at the alarm clock, I saw that it would go off in a few minutes anyway to catch our flight back to Miami. Until then, I would take my chances and enjoy the incomparable bliss of being so close to her.
“Why are you…staring again?”, I suddenly heard the hoarse voice of my wife appear. I smiled immediately and loved her voice in the early morning. It was even huskier than usual and beyond appealing.
“Because you’re pretty”, I smirked lightly and kept tracing her spine with my index finger. Her eyes were still closed and I knew she wasn’t a morning person. It had always taken her quite some time to get out of bed and today seemed no different. Not that I was complaining since I lived for those simple moments between us.
“You are so shallow”, Camila obviously teased me and I saw the corners of her lips curving as well.
“You’re right. I only married you because you are hot”, I kept going and knew this was only the beginning of our banter.
“Well, I only married you because you’re rich”, she confirmed my suspicion by bantering some more.
“Oh really? Does that make me your sugar mama then?”, I asked playfully and heard her giggling now.
“Exactly”, Camila opened her eyes and met my gaze with the biggest smirk on her lips. “It was all part of my evil plan.”
“So that makes you the trophy wife then. But what was the evil plan?”, I questioned amused while continuously stroking her back.
“You know, make you fall in love with me first”, the younger one chuckled. “And have so much earth-shatteringly good sex with you that you will fall even harder. It worked because we got married and you didn’t make me sign a prenup. So now I can divorce you whenever I want and get half of your money.”
“You are such an idiot”, I laughed full of endearment and she was grinning broadly. As much as I loved being romantic, I adored Camila for this side of her just as much. The bantering and mocking was all meant in fun and we both knew it. “Besides, if you were to ever divorce me, you could have all my money because I would have lost anything of worth to me anyways”, I added more seriously. Camila lifted her eyebrows.
“Come here, you cheeseball”, the husky voice demanded a kiss and I bent over to press my lips against hers. They were so soft and full that it amazed me every single time how amazing it felt. Letting go, I looked into the warm brown eyes and felt her arm draping around my waist. She held me close this way before continuing to speak. “Are you feeling better this morning…after last night?”, she asked more cautiously.
“Yeah, a lot better”, I confirmed and smiled genuinely.
“Good, then I fulfilled my duties if you know what I’m saying”, Camila said suggestively since our night had been more experimental before it had gotten emotional.
“Right, so you’re not only my trophy wife but also my sex-slave”, I laughed but her eyes shot open wide as soon as those words left my mouth.
“Sex-slave? Wow, now we’re getting to the kinky stuff”, she did what she did best by teasing me about these things.
“The sick sugar mama and the sex-crazed trophy-wife; match made in heaven”, I couldn’t help but laugh again and this time she joined me in my laughter. Not for long though because she started kissing my neck and I moaned inadvertently. “God, do you ever not think about sex?”
“No, not really”, she whispered in between a few wet kisses along my jawline.
“Camila…we can’t do this right now”, I almost stuttered because I was certainly not unfazed by her doing. “We have to leave for the airport or we’re going to miss our flight.”
“Mmhh”, she let out as if she tasted something delicious. “I’ll be quick, I promise.”
“What is that supposed to mean?”, I pulled back and the smirk on her face was undeniable.
“Come on, Lauren”, she bit her lip for a moment. “We both know you’re not exactly hard to please.”
“Excuse me?!”, I exclaimed half-shocked and half-ashamed.
“It’s nothing to be embarrassed about, honey”, she leaned in for a kiss but I pushed her back again.
“That’s not true”, I wanted to protest and felt my cheeks flushing.
“Yeah it is”, Camila grinned once more. “I mean, I know I’m good at this stuff but you’re…pretty easy on top of it.”
“Shut up”, I smacked her arm but she just kept going as we playfully started fighting. “It’s not like you take so much time either.”
“True, but I do need more than a couple of minutes.”
“Are you basically saying that I’m shit in bed?”, I pouted and felt her grabbing my wrist that kept her at distance.
“No! Of course not. I’m just playing with you”, she leaned in once more and kept my wrist in her grasp so I couldn’t push her away. Her lips covered mine in a softer kiss. We both started smiling into the kiss. Camila let go of my wrist and pulled me in closer so there was hardly any space between our bodies. I relished the movement of our eager lips dancing with one another. The bantering was over and as much as I indulged in it, nothing compared to feeling of kissing the person that meant the world to me.
Unfortunately we didn’t have much time. The alarm clock went off after a few more moments of affection. After some hesitation, Camila got up and we got ready to leave for the airport. I needed more time than usual because I still felt weak and couldn’t do the simplest things in a time-span that I wanted. She was patient as always and we wrapped everything up since we wouldn’t be back in New York for six weeks. Then, we would come back for my final appointment with Dr. Phelps after radiation therapy in Miami before we would finally go to Italy.
But for now we were heading to our hometown. It was strange to be back in Miami for me. Although I should consider it home, I hadn’t had a home in a while. The closest thing I had created to a home had been New York for the past three months with Camila. That only meant that I had to create a new home with her in Miami. This one would be more permanent in the long-run. Six weeks were a good start though before going to Italy.
Settling in Camila’s apartment after a long flight, I was definitely tired. My radiation therapy would start the next day so I had today off. We needed some time to get settled anyway. Her apartment, no it was our apartment now, felt more comfortable than I had anticipated. I felt at ease to be back here. Not to mention the warmer climate was already lifting my spirits. I was used to snow and simply coldness but it was warm in Miami. It never really got cold to be honest. For the first time in a very long time, I felt like I connected with my hometown again. My worries about not being able to create another home here were vanishing instantly.
Camila started unpacking the most necessary items and I took the time to rest. I sat on the balcony and enjoyed the warm rays of sunshine hitting my face. Even though I wanted to help my wife, I knew I should save my energy and she wouldn’t let me lift a finger after the long flight. As soon as she was done with the most important tasks after coming home, she explained that there was something she needed to do today. Her hesitation confused me because I didn’t know what was so urgent that it couldn’t wait and she was reluctant to tell me.
But then she did tell me. She wanted to go see her mom. I gulped lightly when I heard her say that but instantly understood. The younger one hadn’t been at her mother’s grave in over three months and I definitely supported her wish to go there. I immediately asked if I could go with her. She seemed shocked and hesitant again. I reassured her that I could handle it now. Being at a cemetery wasn’t the most obvious choice to spend my free time after I was fighting a life-threatening illness, but I felt up for it. And I wanted to be with Camila if she wanted me there.
After some convincing on my part, she agreed that I could join her but I had to promise to tell her if at any point I felt overwhelmed. It didn’t take long until Sofi texted both of us and asked to hang out. We hadn’t seen Camila’s younger sister since the wedding and we both missed her. So the light-haired woman let her sibling know what our plans were and she was going to meet us at the cemetery.
I expected to be nervous and uncomfortable but reaching the graveyard, I felt strangely at peace. The presence of both Cabello sisters probably paid a major part in it. I was holding the older sister’s hand while Sofi was clutching the other one. All three of us sat down on the green grass in front of the headstone, engraved with their mother’s name. A few seconds passed and it seemed as if we were all paying our silent respects for a moment. The connection I felt to Camila’s family was uncanny; living and deceased. When I remembered that I was a Cabello now as well, my heart started swelling in my chest.
“Hola mamá”, Camila spoke up first and I focused on her soft voice. “Well, I got married”, she continued with a little smile and showed off her ring. There was a small crack in her voice and I wanted to show my support by gently placing my hand on her leg. She took a deep breath and I knew there was a reason she was here. There had to be something that she needed to say. Otherwise she wouldn’t have been so eager to come here after having landed just a few hours ago.
“I never would have thought that I’d get married without you”, she revealed while exhaling loudly. “After you passed, that changed…obviously. I didn’t have a choice anymore. And I resented you for it. I was so angry with you. Because I knew that I would be happy if I got married some day but I also knew that I would feel incomplete without you being there”, my wife explained further while my eyes were glued to her now, watching her intently. “Or at least I thought so”, she added and met my gaze for a quick moment. “It’s not that I didn’t miss you at the wedding, or that I’m not missing you every day but…I’ve never felt so whole in my entire life. Sometimes I feel guilty because I think I shouldn’t feel so happy without you. But I do. Deep down I know you want me to be happy and that’s why I came here. I want you to know that you don’t have to worry anymore.”
My heart was seriously about to burst with the amount of emotions I felt while hearing her speak so sincerely.
“When you were sick, I shut down. I was there for you but I wasn’t reallythere. Emotionally I was checked out and now I know that I couldn’t possibly understand what you were going through at the time. I am not checked out this time. These past few months with Lauren were hard but they also healed me in a very strange way. I wished I could have understood this before. But the most important thing I wanted to tell you was…that I forgive you”, Camila breathed quietly but reassuringly. “I forgive you for leaving me. You did the best you could and I finally get that. So, I forgive you because I need that peace in my heart and I know you do too.”
Her hand quickly wiped a single tear off her cheek and I squeezed her thigh softly. I didn’t want to be overbearing. This was about her and her mom. Being present for this moment felt more special than I was able to articulate anyways. We had come such a long way. I remembered her mother passing like it was yesterday. All the pain, sorrow and anguish seemed to be healing with my own healing process.
Maybe there was some truth to what Camila had told me once; that there was reason for all of this beyond what we understood. What if I had to get sick to heal what had been broken inside of me before? What if Camila and I reunited at just the right time so she was able to heal her own heartbreak of losing her mother? I couldn’t answer those questions but I didn’t need to anymore. Being here, surviving all we had survived in the past decade was all that mattered to me. I wasn’t searching for answers because I had everything I wanted and needed.
“She is proud of you”, I said after a while of Camila calming down. Her head turned to her side to face me and I saw that perfect smile of hers.
“I know”, she nodded and took my hand in hers. “And she is proud of you too. For fighting what she couldn’t fight. For not giving up.”
“We lost a Cabello woman but we gained another one”, Sofi suddenly chimed in and her words hit me. I smiled through my tears as the youngest put her hand above ours. “And I’m so proud of you both. You have no idea what it’s like to have you both as role models. I couldn’t ask for a better sister and a better sister in-law.”
“Stop, you’re making me cry”, I laughed gently but my voice was shaky.
“Ok, I’m sorry”, the teenager replied with a genuine smile. “But I mean it and I wanted you to know that I am so happy that you’re back home.”
Home. This was my home, wasn’t it? It wasn’t about the place. It was about the people that loved me and I loved as well. That realization manifested itself in that moment. We all stayed silent and for a while again but it wasn’t uncomfortable. In fact, it felt pretty damn perfect although the setting wouldn’t suggest it. I felt at home for the first time in what seemed like forever.
On our way back to the apartment, Camila passed a building that sparked a memory. For some reason, I couldn’t let it go and looked to the younger woman driving the car.
“Stop here!”, I blurted out more urgently than I wanted and felt her stopping the vehicle abruptly.
“What? What happened?”, she asked almost in panic before I laughed.
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you but can you park here for a second? I want to see something”, I explained and looked into the wide eyes.
“Jesus, don’t ever scare me like that again”, Camila took a breath and tried to regroup.
“Sorry, I love you”, I puckered my lips and leaned over to her in the driving seat while Sofi groaned in the backseat.
“Yeah, you should”, the light-haired responded with a smirk but pressed her lips against mine in a kiss. We tried holding back in front of Sofi since she seemed annoyed with our PDA. But sometimes we did it just to mess with her. I cupped Camila’s cheek and stole another kiss that was more passionate.
“Ugh, please!”, Sofi whined now and we both laughed into the kiss, breaking it unwillingly.
“Alright fine. Let me just park real quick and then we’ll see what Lauren wants to do”, Camila said and took control of the car again. She found a parking spot nearby. Even though I felt tired and exhausted, I couldn’t stop myself from walking towards the building that had caught my eye. I was walking in front of the sisters and smiled broadly when I reached the doors. There were people talking inside and I realized that one of the doors was opened slightly. Without hesitation, I went in and heard Camila calling for me but knew she would follow me.
The smile on my face became even wider. I was at the venue in Miami where Camila had come into my dressing room almost two years ago. That moment had changed everything. I couldn’t imagine what my life would be like if the other woman hadn’t shown up. Or maybe I could; I would either still be on tour and utterly unhappy or even worse considering my illness. I couldn’t recall the concert specifically because it all became a blur but I definitely recalled the attractive young woman throwing me for an absolute loop with her surprise visit.
Camila and Sofi came in like I had anticipated and there were a bunch of roadies setting up the stage for concert probably.
“Are you feeling nostalgic”, my wife asked with a genuine smile on her lips and hugged me from behind.
“Yeah, I guess I am. God, can you believe it’s been almost two years?”, I shook my head in disbelief of how quickly time had passed.
“It’s crazy, I know”, she agreed and placed a tender kiss on my cheek. “I do remember watching you on stage, though. You were incredible. My heart was beating out of control all night.”
“What made you come that night anyway after five years of not seeing each other?”, I questioned curiously.
“Five years for you”, Camila replied and made me furrow my eyebrows.
“What do you mean?”
“I saw you once before”, she confessed and I was shocked to hear that because she had never mentioned it before.
“What? When and where?”, I kept asking and shifted lightly in her embrace so I could look at her.
“It was about a year and half after the group split up”, my former bandmate explained. “I was at college and a bunch of my friends convinced me to go to Coachella with them. You were a performer there but you weren’t that known yet. Your first album was just about come out and I saw you on stage. But I didn’t have the courage to talk to you back then. And I was still pretty upset with the group splitting and everything that had happened with us. I wanted to focus on my new life at college and wasn’t ready to deal with the possibility of old feelings resurfacing if I came to meet you afterwards. But that night two years ago, I wanted to move on and I wanted to make amends. That was why I came backstage to see you. I never would have guessed things would turn out the way they have.”
“Yeah, me neither”, I agreed and took in the new information. “I can’t believe you were at Coachella and I didn’t even know. That’s so strange to think about. I just thought about what would have happened if you hadn’t come into my dressing room two years ago. Now I wonder what would have happened if we had met at Coachella back then.”
“I really don’t know but I don’t think it would have ended well to be honest. We were both still pretty immature and dealing with a lot. I think we reunited at the right time”, Camila said honestly and kissed me again. “You have come such a long way though. Thinking about what you were like two years ago or even before that…I cannot begin to describe how proud I am of the person you have become.”
“Was I that bad?”, I pouted playfully.
“No, not at all”, she instantly clarified. “You were so…broken and sad, though. I hated seeing you like that.”
“I know, you’re right”, I admitted. “I couldn’t have done it without you, that’s for sure.”
“Maybe, maybe not”, the younger woman shrugged subtly with another quick kiss. “But I’m glad I got to be a part of it either way. We both came out on top in the end.”
“Yeah we did”, I pressed with a grin and cuddled up into her hug. “I love you.”
“I love you too”, she reciprocated and laughed mildly.
“Why are you laughing?”, I asked amused at her reaction.
“Because I never would have thought you would be the one to say ‘I love you’ all the time”, she confessed.
“I don’t say it that much, do I?”, I genuinely asked.
“You do all the time!”, Camila giggled with that wonderful husk in her voice and made it seem like it was super obvious that I did. “Probably ten times a day but I think it’s cute and adorable”, she assured me and kissed me more fiercely.
“God, I’m going to vomit at some point today if you two keep this up”, Sofi groaned.
“Don’t be such a hater, Sofi”, Camila scolded her little sister and shot her a look. “I’m sure a lot of people would enjoy seeing two people so in love”, she added more playfully.
“Sure, but they don’t want to see two people constantly shoving their tongue down each other’s throats”, the youngest shot back and the banter wasn’t foreign to the sisters.
“It’s not like we’re full on making out in front of you”, I interjected with a smirk.
“Not yet”, Sofi said. “I have already seen more than enough with the amount of hickey’s I have seen on both you on several occasions. Trust me, I’m scarred for life because Camila is a freak!”
“Oh shut up”, the older sister dismissed it nonchalantly.
“Well, she does have a point”, I whispered into my wife’s ear and couldn’t stop smiling.
“Don’t act like you don’t like it”, she chuckled before Sofi threw her arms in the air dramatically.
“Ok, I’m out”, the teenager shook her head. “I’ll be in the car because I really don’t need to hear this.”
“Oh don’t be such a drama queen”, Camila yelled after her sister leaving the venue.
“Come on, we should go back anyway”, I said and was satisfied after seeing the stage and having a little stroll down memory-lane.
“Alright”, she agreed but I saw her lips forming another smirk for some reason. She leaned in and started nibbling on my earlobe. “Unless you want to make some new memories in here real quick”, she whispered and I laughed wholeheartedly now.
“You are something else”, I felt her arms wrapping around me tighter before letting go again.
“I’m just kidding but it would piss Sofi off so much”, Camila joined in my laughter. “Could you imagine the disgust on her face if we got back with messy hair and our clothes kind of undone.”
“That would be hilarious…and mean”, I gave back and folded my arms around her neck. God, I loved seeing her so happy and I couldn’t stop smiling either. “Apparently I say it all the time but I can’t help myself. I love you. It’s insane how much I love you”, I continued more seriously and her face softened as well.
“I am so happy that I made the decision to greet you backstage two years ago. You have made me so happy. I don’t know where I would be without you. All I know is that I wouldn’t feel this ridiculously blissful”, Camila reciprocated sincerely this time. The following kiss was filled with affection and made my heart beat erratically.
If this was just the first day of our time back in Miami then I couldn’t wait for the next six weeks. As a matter of fact, I couldn’t wait for the time in Italy afterwards and the hopefully many more years together after that.
——————————————————-
Camila’s POV
“Just one more shot, Mila.”
I skeptically looked up into the blue eyes of my friend and shook my head. Taking a deep breath, I took down the shot of Tequila while the group of people around me cheered. It was my first time at Coachella. A bunch of people from college were going and had invited me to come along. A part of me had been hesitant but I was set on making a new life for myself after Fifth Harmony had broken up over a year ago.
Being in a completely different environment helped a lot. The other students didn’t care about my past as a popstar. All they cared about was partying to be honest. And even though that hadn’t been my cup of tea before, I wanted to branch out and do things out of my comfort zone. Befriending a big group of guys who were mostly jocks was probably the strangest thing that had happened since then. I had never really hung out with boys that much but they were so carefree that it was contagious.
One of those so-called ‘party boys’ was the one cheering me on to have another drink.
“There you go! Now we can go to the stage and just let loose”, Brad grinned widely and I was beyond drunk right now.
“I don’t know if I will be able to walk at this point”, I shook my head.
“Don’t be such a whiner. We need our wing-woman”, the football player came up to me. Ever since people knew about my sexuality, the guys had made me their ultimate wing-woman. I definitely enjoyed that role at times. It honestly wasn’t that difficult. All I needed to do was talk to the girls that my friends wanted to hook up with about how great they were. Girls seemed to believe me and I wasn’t lying. I just helped out a couple of buddies.
But I wasn’t so sure if I would be up for it today since I felt quite intoxicated. I didn’t have a choice though. The group of friends I had come with started dragging me towards the stage and the amount of people around was uncanny. There was no one on stage yet but a couple of roadies were setting up. I was handed a red cup filled with probably more alcohol when I heard the crowd around me roaring.
I looked up and almost dropped the cup.
Walking on stage was the one person who still made my heart miss a beat. Lauren was clutching her guitar, a cigarette loosely draped in between her red lips and I felt like fainting for a moment. I hadn’t seen my former bandmate ever since the group had split up. And our last conversation had not been a good one. She had yelled at me at the top of her lungs after a group meeting where she had called everyone out for not really being a group anymore. The simple memory of that fight sent a cold shiver down my spine.
Looking at the monitor that showed the new solo-artist was nearly too much. She wore a pair of combat boots, denim shorts and a floral top that revealed quite some cleavage. The dark hair was voluminous and curly and I felt my pulse going through the roof when I focused on her eyes. The familiar emerald orbs looked hazy and I had the horrible realization that she was probably high.
Lauren was the only one who had gone out for a solo-career. I wasn’t jealous or begrudging her; I was worried more than anything else. Even though it wasn’t my place anymore. Her first album was about to come out and I heard the few samples that were available at this point. It sounded more indie and hipster-like which was what I had imagined for her all along. It sounded amazing but I had never expected anything else. If she was happy then I was happy for her but I couldn’t shake the feeling that she was more lost than ever.
I had been so caught up in my thoughts that I completely missed her introduction. She put out the cigarette, took a swig of her beer and the crowd loved every minute of the rebellious rockstar vibe she gave off. I was surprised to see her playing the guitar since she had been more focused on the piano. Her skills had probably improved with new style that relied more on the guitar. I heard the first chords echoing off the large speakers.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xBinx-5uPng
“I could go off the deep end,
I could kill all my best friends,
I could follow those stylish trends,
And God knows I could make amends.
But I’ve got an angry heart,
Filled with cancers and poppy tarts.
If this is how you folks make art,
It’s fucking depressing.
And it’s sad to know that we are not alone.
And it’s sad to know there’s no honest way out.
I’m afraid to leave the house.
I’m as timid as a mouse.
I’m afraid if I go out,
I’ll outwear my welcome.
I’m not a courageous girl.
I don’t have any big, lasting plans.
I’m too cowardly to take a stand.
I want to keep my nose clean.
And it’s sad to know that we’re not alone in this.
And it’s sad to know there’s no honest way out.
In this life we lead, we could conquer everything,
If we could just get the braves to get out of bed in the morning.“
Well, if those lyrics didn’t prove what I had feared. I was stuck in this place between pride, of her doing what she had always wanted to do; singing her own songs and making the kind of authentic music she loved. But there was also the concern of whether the business was the right choice for her. I couldn’t imagine ever going back. Hearing her sing those words that were probably based on herself, made me empathic more than anything else. But there wasn’t much time until she continued with her next song and it started off a lot slower.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ncS1VuFTi4M
“Father, I’m sorry
for forgetting today,
taste of the end
And mother, I’m sorry for
stealing all of your childhood
The archer and the arrow are
aiming for our hearts
But don’t worry, my love
your betrayal is
natural as my distrust
I will laugh
when they burn my body
I will dance
I will dance on
when I’m gone
oh, oh, oh, oh
you can’t wear your name forever
it even wears away on the stone
But you’ve forgotten my love,
have you fully be, be, be, be forgotten
The archer and the arrow are
aiming for our hearts
To make space for the passing faces
Of the undone and unloved
I will laugh
When you read my poem
I may not be good with words
But I know what I saw
When I was gone
Oh, oh, oh, oh”
The first song had been revealing but the second one broke my heart. The people in the audience liked it and were seemingly in awe of the captivating young woman whose beauty was only matched by her sadness. They got to know her but I already knew her. I knew that she was still suffering if she wrote lyrics like those. Why else would she sing about being miserable and even death when she supposedly had everything she wanted?
Your betrayal is natural as my distrust, it kept echoing in my head. For some reason, that line struck a nerve. It was stupid to think she would write about me but it perfectly encompassed of what I knew to be true about her all along. She had been disappointed so often that distrust had become a second nature to her. And it only seemed to worsen in time. Knowing that I contributed to it with my erratic behavior and pushing her away so often was pure agony.
And the only way I knew how to numb the pain starting to build in my chest was to keep drinking. I downed all the liquid in my cup and heard the guys roaring around me.
“That chick on stage is depressing as fuck but so hot!”, Brad exclaimed and I was feeling drunker by the second.
“Yeah, I’d make her happy if you know what I’m saying”, another one laughed and I blurted out the first thing that came to mind due to the amount of alcohol on my system.
“You wouldn’t know the first thing about making her happy”, I slurred and felt my friends eyeing me surprised.
“Oh, and you do?”, Brad asked with a smirk and it was apparent that they didn’t know about my past with her. I didn’t blame them for not being fans of a girlband though. Usually I enjoyed it that they didn’t know anything about that part of my life.
“Not really because I made her unhappy…I hurt her a lot”, I sighed and took a deep breath.
“What do you mean?”
“But I loved her”, the words kept leaving my mouth without me actually planning it. “God, I loved her so much it killed me! I didn’t mean to hurt her…do you know what it’s like to love someone so much that you can’t even look at them anymore because you’ll never be good enough?”
“Camila, are you alright?”, one of the boys interrupted my ranting as they grew more concerned.
“No, I’m not fucking alright! I still love her and I don’t want to. Why did you bring me here?”, I felt angry and unfortunately let it out on the wrong people. The alcohol lowered my inhibitions but I felt my head spinning.
“Ok, I will take care of her since I made her drink that much”, Brad offered and I felt the muscular boy supporting me at the waist. I didn’t fight him off because I was grateful to get out of there. Seeing Lauren while being hammered was not a good combination. It brought back too many memories and feelings. My friends were obviously shocked about my little outburst and didn’t understand what was going on. As of now I didn’t owe them an explanation.
Taking a last look on stage, I felt so many contradicting things at the same time. I wasn’t ready to move on that was for sure now. Although I wished it were different and I could set aside our differences, go backstage after her gig and talk to her like old friends. Things weren’t that simple. And they never had been between us. At least I acknowledged that I wasn’t entirely over her. That was a good first step on the road to possibly ever being happy without her. Maybe then I would find it in me to go see her another time.
————————————————————-
The following six weeks in Miami were some of the best of my entire life. New York had been a great starting point for Camila and I to live together but the harsh circumstances of my health had been tumultuous. Now we seemed to know how to live with one another and enjoyed every moment of it. Whatever fantasy I had dreamt up of actually being with her, was surpassed by the reality. It felt natural and comfortable right of the bat. The fact that I was gaining strength physically was the cherry on top. I wasn’t back to where I was; not even close but I was able to walk around more and even do some mild Yoga.
I followed through on my radiation therapy. Except for some mild skin irritation, there were no side effects. It was definitely better than chemotherapy! I wasn’t allowed to tan that much because of it, which was unfortunate because I wanted to get some color but it was a small price to pay to receive the final treatment. My appetite was better and Camila made it a point to fatten me it seemed. I would never understand how she was so skinny while eating that much. Her attempts worked and although I was still skinny, I didn’t look as obviously sick anymore by gaining a few pounds.
We had spent most of our time with Sofi or some of our old friends that were still living in Miami. Camila had kept in touch with Marielle and Sandra. I hadn’t been close to them but now I made an effort since Camila had been so impeccable in getting to know my friends. The least I could do was try to do the same. There wasn’t that much time but I did the best I could in six weeks. We’d have more time after Italy for everything else.
Our trip to the European country was all planned out. We had made our final arrangements in Miami and couldn’t wait to get started.
But before we were off to Italy, there was one last check-up with Dr. Phelps in New York. From there, we had scheduled to leave. The day of the appointment in New York had arrived quicker than I thought. The one and a half months flew by. Not that I was complaining because I was just as anxious to get our dream-vacation going.
I was sitting in the familiar office of the surgical oncologist that had helped me tremendously in overcoming my cancer. Hearing her say that I was officially in remission was unbelievable. No more treatments. No more cancer. Surely, I had to go in for check-ups more regularly than other women but that was more than manageable. My relief was apparent when I squeezed Camila’s hand in my lap.
“I have one more question though”, I revealed to my doctor and saw her nodding.
“Of course”, she listened.
“Camila and I talked about this a lot in the past weeks and months for that matter”, I began and took a deep breath. “And you know that before treatment, I had chosen to freeze my eggs just in case. I was just wondering if uhm…I don’t know how to say this because it sounds so weird…”
“Just say it, I have probably heard it all”, the woman with the PhD smiled lightly.
“Well, we would want to start the process some time this year but in Miami…and the…eggs are here so I’m not sure about the logistics. Is there a way you can…send them to Miami”, I blushed furiously at my own lack of knowledge but how on earth could you phrase something like that?
“That will be no problem. I will get in touch with your doctor in Miami and arrange everything”, Dr. Phelps answered nonchalantly. “Congratulations on wanting to take to start a family. I would recommend you wait until you have recovered some more, though.”
“Oh no, I won’t be the one actually having the baby”, I clarified with a small laugh. “Camila will do the honors.”
“Well, you could try in six months or a year. We have some great specialists at the clinic”, the oldest proposed but I instantly shook my head.
“No, I don’t want to put my body through any more strain any time soon”, I explained calmly.
“That’s reasonable.”
“But who knows, maybe the next one”, I grinned at my wife now.
“First we have some things to catch up on though”, Camila chimed in. “Like our honeymoon.”
“Ah, I understand”, the doctor almost smirked at this point. “Is it still Italy like you had mentioned before?”
“Yes”, I confirmed and looked at my watch. “To be honest, we’re leaving today. In a few hours to be more specific and we have to get to the airport. I don’t want to seem ungrateful but I think we need to go if there is nothing we need to discuss anymore,”
“Don’t worry, I know how grateful you are but you did all the work. I only helped. But I don’t want you to miss the plane and delay the honeymoon you both deserve after everything”, the woman stood up and reached out her hand for a final handshake. Camila and I thanked the other one repeatedly even though she said it wasn’t necessary before leaving her office.
We were in a hurry to get to JFK airport and traffic was horrible; like always in New York. The cab took forever and I kept replaying the conversation we had had before. We were going to start our family this year. The thought was not scary anymore. If anything it was exciting and uplifting. Maybe Camila was right: I had changed quite a lot. I was happy and not lost or broken.
Reaching the airport just in time, we checked in and managed to go fully unnoticed. Neither of us had packed much because we could stalk up on everything necessary there. We were standing ath the end of the line to board the plane when it suddenly hit me. I looked at the woman beside me, holding my hand.
“We’re actually going to Italy”, I blurted out and saw her smiling instantly.
“I know, it’s been a long time coming”, she replied with a deep breath.
“It seems unreal because we talked about this so often and every time we were so close, something catastrophic happened”, I admitted while shaking my head lightly.
“Feels like we finally made it”, Camila took the words right out of my mouth before wrapping her arms around my neck. “So please, don’t do something stupid this time”, she teased obviously.
“What? Like get cancer”, I tried to make a joke and those usually tanked when it came to my illness.
“You know what I mean”, her voice softened and the chocolate orbs carried more tenderness.
“I do”, I said quietly and felt her kissing me gently shortly after. The full lips lingered on mine just long enough to make me crave for more before pulling away.
“We shouldn’t have too many problems once we’re there, considering ‘Miss-Overachiever’ here had to learn Italian the past few weeks just to show off”, the light-haired one mocked me lovingly.
“It’s not my fault you were a lazy bum and only wanted to learn sentences that were completely unnecessary”, I started bantering with a smirk.
“I don’t have the attention span to do these things honestly”, Camila kissed me again.
“It’s a long flight, maybe I can teach the most important things”, I offered whereas my wife kissed her way to my sensitive hearing organ.
“Alright, translate this then because that’s something I want to ask my wife: ‘Do you want to join the mile high club’?”, she whispered in my ear and I felt my cheeks flushing right away.
“The sex-crazed trophy wife wants to make her sugar mama happy”, I teased and heard her giggling.
“I think we should start our honeymoon with bang…pun intended”, she laughed and I knew she was messing with me.
“We’ll see”, I said and felt her pulling back, obvious surprise across her face. “But first we need to actually get on the plane”, I added since the flight attendants seemed to wait for us.
“Alright, fair enough”, the younger one responded before placing a last kiss on my lips. “Ready?”
“More than ready”, I answered with the biggest smile and it was the absolute truth. The moment we had been waiting for was finally here and I didn’t want to wait a second longer. Italy, elusive Italy was about to happen and it was proof of how far we had come. So many things had gone wrong and we both had made mistakes in the past that had prevented this from happening before. Now that there were no more obstacles, I grabbed the love of my life’s hand and experienced yet another dream coming true.