Kristen never slept that night, she was awake worrying about a lot of things. Nurses would come in and out and she hardly acknowledged them. It seemed like everything was falling apart around her. She knew no matter what anyone said, this was her fault and She hated herself for it.
It was a few hours later when the doctors did their rounds and she was moved to the general floor. Rob had noticed Kristen was unusually quiet and once she got moved, he could see in her eyes without her saying anything, what she wanted. She wanted to see the baby.
"I'll ask" he promised her.
"Let's give you, your meds really quick Mrs. Pattinson and then we will take you down there." The nurse gently said. Kristen sighed out of relief. That's all she wanted, was to see their son and apologize.
Getting settled in the wheelchair, her nerves were in overdrive. She was sore but it was tolerable, more tolerable than she thought it would be, or maybe she was numb to that pain with the thought of her son plaguing her every thought.
"Here we are," Rob said. He helped Kristen get scrubbed up before they headed in. They were right, the picture didn't do justice. She was scared of just how tiny he was, she noticed he had his eyes open.
"Hey love," she whispered as she placed her finger in his hand. She sniffled, barely able to contain her emotions. "I'm so sorry, I didn't mean for this to happen. I promise I'm going to make this up to you, however, I can sweetheart."
She sniffled one last time before looking back up at Robert. He could see the tear stains on her face.
"What are all these machines," She asked him.
"Breathing tube, feeding tube, intravenous line. Blood pressure cuff, a pulse oximeter to measure breathing." That's just the basics the nurse who had been in the room with them said.
"I wish there was something I could do for him," Kristen said.
"Actually, there are" the nurse smiled. She came up and put her hand on Kristen's shoulder. "Are up to pumping your milk for this little guy? It would be good for him to get your milk. It will help him grow."
She really didn't need to say all that, Kristen had already made up her mind. "Yes of course, I'll do it."
"Perfect." She helped Kristen get adjusted and left her to it. It had been years since Kristen had pumped but it came back to her naturally. She was glad at least she could do this for their son, even if it was all she could do.
She longed to hold him, protect him from this all. But she settled on just holding his hand and quietly talking to him. By this time she had been there for a few hours, turning down Roberts offers to take her back to her room. She made a promise to herself, that she would not leave his side for anything and if she had too, she wouldn't be gone long. she owed him this.
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3 days later
Kristen was finally released from the hospital, she moved her things from her room into the NICU. she was moving in, to say the least.
'Rob, can you stay with him? there is something I need to do" Kristen asked and Rob could see in her eyes that she did really need to do this.
"Yes, but you know you cant drive for 6 weeks."
"I know, Suzie is picking me up."
"Alright honey, I love you," Rob said as he planted a kiss on her forehead.
She gently stroked the baby's hand one last time before grabbing her purse. she knew she needed to do this.
"Hey Suzie," Kristen greeted as she slowly slid into the truck.
"Hey girl, how are you feeling? Hows the baby?"
"He's doing....well, not much to say there and I'm doing pretty good."
"So, where are we going?"
"This address," she said handing Suzie a piece of paper.
Arriving at the address Kristen took a deep breath, this was where Eliana was staying. Kristen wanted to talk to her, she needs her whole family. Slowly she got out, ignoring the searing pain she was in and went up to the door.
"Hey Kristen" Mary greeted as she answered
"Hey Mary," is Eliana here?
"Yeah, she's upstairs with Lilly. Eliana! your mother is here!"
"My mom?" Eliana questioned as she came down the stairs.
"Can we talk?" Kristen asked
"Yeah sure, let's go outback". They both took a seat on the patio, Eliana pouring them both a drink
"How have you been?" Kristen asked Eliana
"I should be asking you the same thing...How are you? I have not heard anything since Alora called me after the c section"
"I've been...alright. recovering"
"Hows he doing? believe it or not, I do care."
"I know you do, he's doing alright.... its still touch and go, Eliana. I know this is hard for you but can you please come home?" Kristen said just getting straight to the point
"Mom, I was going to but I didn't want to come back that way. I got scared and left once you guys were in the operating room."
"Anytime would have been fine, we are going to need your help, Eliana."
"With what?"
"Someone will have to stay with Alora sometimes. I pretty much have moved into the hospital and your dad is going back and forth."
"Yeah, Alora told me...how you weren't taking care of yourself, how you guys blamed me."
"Eliana, I can't speak for anyone else but I don't blame you. this was my fault, it was not just what you did." Kristen sighed. "When we found out we were having a boy, I couldn't help but be afraid. I know your dad isn't like Michael was but I was thrown back into those memories and I was scared that I was going to lose him.....and I still might."
"I know mom, but you cant think like that. He will be alright, you cant take back the past. All you can do is be there for him now."
"That's what I'm trying to do"
"I've been getting better myself. I started seeing a counselor shortly after I moved here. Shes have been helping me a lot, I've come to terms with Aiden's passing. I have peace with it now. He will always be my son. It's just life's way of saying I wasn't ready for motherhood."
"Let's go, hun."
"Are we going to the hospital?"
"Yeah, unless...."
"No, I'm fine. I would like to meet my brother."
Kristen smiled, Eliana went and got her things before they both went back to the hospital.
"So does my brother have a name?" Eliana asked curiously
Kristen slightly chuckled. "Actually no, we haven't really discussed it yet."
Kristen scrubbed up and showed Eliana how to before they headed into the room. Rob was shocked to see Eliana behind her mother.
"Hey, dad," Eliana greeted.
Robert didn't say anything, he pulled her into a hug burying his face in her hair. "Welcome home sweetheart" he whispered.