*Perrie's Pov*
Buckingham Palace was empty save for the dead. Despite the frantic funeral preparations occurring behind closed doors, there wasn't a soul in sight. I'd found myself in the throne room staring absently at the empty seat I was expected to fill. I didn't belong here. I never would. Regardless of the splendor and wealth that dripped from the private rooms of the grandiose estate, I was grateful that we would continue our residence at Clarence House for the foreseeable future.
Or so I had been told via one of Jade's new private secretaries. I'd have to learn to ignore the frustration that seethed inside me at every turn, even if it meant accepting personal messages about my life from total strangers.
Instead I told myself I should be grateful for the opportunity to leave Clarence House which didn't yet feel like my home, after being mandated to remain inside for the last two days. I hadn't even been allowed to leave to visit Jade but the crushing thing was that I suspected this mandate had come directly from her. Lauren had driven me here this morning informing me that Jade planned to come here directly following her release from the hospital.
"Excuse me." I stopped a maid. "Can you point me..." I trailed off. I wasn't certain where I needed to be.
She curtsied keeping her head low. "Your Majesty may follow me."
There was definitely no getting used to this.
"She's not your Majesty yet," a caustic voice interrupted.
I spun around finding myself face to face with Jade's grandmother. Her age showed in the fine lines surrounding her narrowed eyes and pursed lips but it had no effect on her presence.
"I was informed you married my granddaughter in the hospital. I'm not entirely certain it's legal to marry someone under the influence of opiates but you've landed your prize" she shooed away the young girl with a dismissive wave. "Despite everything. And soon you'll have a throne but you aren't a royal yet."
"I assure you I haven't been running around with a scepter and the family jewels," I said, my anger getting the better of me. The suggestion that I was happy about any of this didn't merely irk me, it infuriated me.
I'd been prepared to assume my role as Jade's wife prior to the wedding but I hadn't learned yet what would happen when the throne fell to her. The possibility had been so remote it hadn't even occurred to me to ask.
"You will learn your place in this family," she hissed, spittle flying from her lips.
I bit my lower lip, trying to contain my rage. I might not know all of the etiquette and protocol for the situation I was in but I did know that I now outranked her in this family.
She knew it as well.
I'd had enough contact with her to be quite certain this wasn't completely a result of grief. Still I couldn't divorce myself from the fact that she had just lost her daughter. Possibly because I had an actual beating heart in my chest and possibly because the mere idea sent my unpredictable hormones into a tizzy.
"I am very sorry for your loss, Your Highness."
"What do you know of loss?" Her lips drew into a grimace. "You know nothing."
She left me there and retreated down the hall. A moment later her voice carried through the empty passage followed by another familiar one.
I chose to look on the bright side. At least I knew where Jade was.
I peeked into the private chapel through the doorway relieved to see Luke and Jade standing a few paces away but remained out of sight when I saw her grandmother was still there. Jade and Luke had enough to worry about without me stirring the pot.
"It's a poor show," she said condescendingly to Jade. I'd missed how she had disappointed her this time but I could guess she'd once again blown something out of proportion.
"Jade should have a moment alone with her mother." Luke said.
"She never wanted one before!" she accused as Luke led her toward the door. I stepped back and pressed myself against the wall, wishing I could become invisible.
But she caught sight of me as soon as they exited.
"I forgot to tell Jade that she was here."
Luke halted in his tracks and rounded on her. "Perrie is Jade's wife and my new family. You will show her the respect she is due."
She shot another withering look in my direction but didn't apologise. "I'd like to leave now. I must continue packing."
I supposed that regardless of Jade's decision not to move into Buckingham she didn't want to stay here. Her husband had died years ago and now her daughter was gone as well. Part of me almost felt sorry for her.
Stepping toward the chapel entrance I paused. Jade stood before her mother's body with her back to me. Her shoulders slumped as if carrying a heavy burden. She spoke to her in a low voice that carried through the otherwise quiet room.
I was torn between leaving and staying. In any other circumstance I might have some clue what to do but this was way out of my comfort zone. Her actions this week had suggested she didn't want me around but it didn't change the fact that she needed me. I was certain of that.
The vows I made to her echoed in my mind. This was clearly a for better or for worse scenario. We were in this together and if she'd lost sight of that, it was up to me to show her.
"Grand gestures are useless when you fucking die during them. If you loved me that much all along, you should have just said," Jade said. The pain and isolation I'd felt for the last two days also coloured her voice, sending a pang of regret tightening in my chest.
She stormed from the room so quickly she walked right past me. I moved out from the shadows but she continued on. If she realised I was here, she was ignoring me.
Jade pulled her phone from her pocket and dialed. "News?" She demanded without greeting the receiver. "Unacceptable. This situation needs to be contained and sorted. I'll accept nothing less."
She paused, obviously listening to a response I couldn't hear.
My heart was in my throat and I swallowed against it. Whatever was going on, I needed to trust that she would be up front with me. The past few days had been extreme circumstances. Nothing more.
"Then deal with her!" She snapped before pocketing the phone.
Deal with her? Me? Another woman? Given that roughly half the earth's population was women, the options seemed endless. Coldness flooded through my limbs and I shook it off. I was being paranoid, a symptom of being kept alone without information. If I wanted to know what was going on, I only needed to ask.
"Jade," I called before she could get any farther away.
She turned, momentarily startled but her face was unreadable when she saw me standing behind her. Her face was drawn with exhaustion and I longed to go to her, take her in my arms and give her whatever small reassurances I could.
"How long were you there?" She asked.
"I wanted to give you some privacy." My voice was so small that it nearly got lost in the cavernous passage.
"You have no business being here Perrie."
I took a step back, my resolve to stand by her faltering for a split second. Squaring my shoulders, I decided to remind her exactly why I was here. "Your wife and son's place is at your side."
"Son?" She repeated, a surprised look darting over the beautiful face I hoped our child would share. "Then you've had another ultrasound."
I shook my head, my hand folding over the small proof of my pregnancy. "No. It's just an instinct."
"I had no idea you had medical training," She said coolly. The mask slipped back into place, preventing me from reading her thoughts and emotions.
"No one has informed me of the funeral arrangements," I said, trying to change the subject. "Can I help?"
"It's being handled Perrie." She dismissed my question as if I'd had no business to inquire regarding the services and continued down the hall. "Funeral plans are always in place for sovereigns. Remind me, we'll need to discuss our own funerals at the earliest possible convenience."
The life growing inside of me fluttered in protest, mirroring how I felt about the morbid suggestion.
"But I will be walking with the family behind your mother's coffin for the funeral procession." I had to speed up to keep pace with her long strides.
Jade stopped once more and faced me. "I'd prefer if you didn't."
"I am a member of this family. I am your wife Jade," I reminded her, lowering my voice as a few staff members scooted quickly by us.
"I'm only thinking of your condition." But her eyes stared past me as she spoke.
"What about your condition? You were shot you nearly died!" Apparently Jade was going to take on all of her mother's responsibilities including driving me crazy.
"I'm fine Perrie."
My name sounded cold on her lips. It was the way one spoke to a stranger the way one condescended to a stranger. This week had tested my resolve, diminishing my strength and I needed her to hold me. We needed each other.
"Don't be this way," I whispered. "Don't shut me out."
"I'm sorry" she said as she walked away from me.
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That night, I lay in our new bed, watching shadows play across the wall and trying to ignore the empty space next to me. After this afternoon's display in the hallway, I shouldn't have expected anything less. But telling myself that did nothing to relieve the hollowness that had taken up residence in my chest.
My imagination drifted to where I was supposed to be but it only reminded me of how utterly alone I was.
I was wrong. I wasn't alone.
My hand skimmed my stomach, wondering if it was normal to feel so much love and fear for the fragile life growing inside me at the same time.
The door handle turned and a slant of light broke across the room, falling over the bed. A moment later a shadow loomed on the wall but it stayed still.
I wanted to turn over and reach out to her. I wanted to call Jade to my arms. I wanted to but I didn't.
The door closed, shutting out the light and leaving the space beside me empty.
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I hadn't been in the public eye since the day of my wedding the day that had brought me to this one. There'd been little to prepare me for what was expected but I knew I needed to be here regardless of what Jade wanted. She wasn't the only person close to me hurting today.
A small part of the official funeral procession had gathered in the foyer. If Jade saw me enter the room, she ignored me. She was breathtaking in her fitted black suit. More than anything I wanted to go to her. I wanted to be by her side. Instead I stole across the room to Luke's. He caught my hand and looked me over, his brows knitting together as he not so surreptitiously eyed my waistline.
"How did we not see that?" he asked.
Well, that confirmed that. I swallowed, shaking my head to let him know to drop it.
He tilted his head in understanding, then bent close to whisper in my ear. "Are you feeling okay?"
I managed a slight nod, a lump forming in my throat. Between Jade avoiding me and generally pretending the baby didn't exist, no one had asked me that.
"You look stunning," Luke added softly. "Pregnancy agrees with you."
I wanted to appreciate his words. The trouble was I wanted Jade to be the one saying them.
Lauren appeared beside me and gestured to a vintage Bentley parked near the curb. "Perrie."
"Are you riding with me?" I asked Luke hopefully.
He opened his mouth to answer just as Jade slid into the back of the Bentley. "No."
"Never mind."
Luke gave me a quick hug.
"Her mind is elsewhere," Luke reassured me but his eyes tightened as he spoke.
Lauren held open the door for me, nodding as I slipped into the backseat. I squirmed into place. I wanted to move closer to Jade but I couldn't bring myself to pull her from her thoughts. She stared out the window not bothering to acknowledge that I had joined her.
Heat prickled at the corner of my eyes and I turned from my wife to my own window. A hand closed over mine and I glanced over to find her still gazing stonily into the distance. I shifted my attention back outside.
No words passed between us but our hands remained clasped tenuously, even as we arrived at Westminster Hall. There was a moment of hesitation when Lauren opened the door, neither of us quite ready to let go of the other and then Jade's head swiveled in my direction, offering one brief smile before she released my hand.
The funeral procession itself would travel from the hall to Paddington Station, according to what I'd read online. I waited in the car for a moment, taking in the crowd of guards who would pull the carriage conveying the Queen's coffin. The carriage itself was draped in the vivid colours of the queen's Standard. It was hard to imagine her in there. Despite the brief glimpse I'd had of her while her body laid in rest at Buckingham, I hadn't visited her body. She'd righted some of the wrongs she'd committed but in the end it didn't feel like enough.
The back passenger door swung open and Jade's hand extended to help me out of the car. But as soon as I was on my feet she turned to discuss something quietly with Lauren.
The April air was muggier than I expected. Heat bloomed up my neck and cheeks and I crossed my arms over my chest protectively then immediately uncrossed them. I was in the midst of an official state funeral. My wounded pride and more than moderate discomfort at being here had to be pushed aside. Keeping my head down, not quite ready to acknowledge the large crowd gathered to pay witness to the Queen's final march, I moved to stand behind Jade.
"Perrie?" Lauren cast a concerned look at me.
I forced a smile onto my lips.
Lauren cleared her throat, capturing Jade's attention. My wife turned to study me.
"I'm fine," I said, sensing I was being tattled on. A brief dizzying wave washed over me. I stumbled forward as Jade's arm shot out to catch me.
She took a step closer to me, lowering her voice so that we couldn't be heard over the crowd. "The processional takes two hours. Lauren will take you home."
I shook my head as my thoughts continued to swim. My place was here with her. I needed to show her that.
"This isn't up for discussion." Jade motioned for Lauren and the trusty bodyguard gently gripped my elbow leading me back to the car.
Between the sudden vertigo and the shame coursing through me I didn't have the energy to fight her as she guided me back into the car. But as the door slammed shut I couldn't help but think it wasn't the only one that had just closed.
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Back inside my bedroom, the weight of the day caught up with me. I was here instead of carrying out my own responsibility. This afternoon Jade would leave for Windsor where her mother's body would be interred. She would do all of that without me.
I collapsed against the wall and I pulled my knees into my chest, Rocking back and forth, I liberated everything I'd tried to suppress for the last week.
Week. My life had been shattered in a moment a week ago. How could time seem to move so quickly and slowly at the same time? I was still reeling from the assassination unable to process that it had actually happened, as though it had been a fleeting nightmare and yet it had been the longest week of my life, made worse by Jade's constant absence.
A soft knock startled me but I stayed silent. Jade could send anyone she wanted to check on me but it wouldn't alter the memory of her rejection. If she needed reassurance that I was okay, she'd have to come herself.
The knock grew more insistent and finally the door flew open.
"I'm coming in and don't try to stop me!" Jesy yelled right before her concerned face appeared around the door.
"Hey," I managed to squeak past my tears. "You should be at the funeral."
"No one will miss me," she said dryly, sinking down to sit next to me. I dropped my head to her shoulder and she hooked an arm around me.
"I miss you," I whispered.
"I'm right here." Jesy squeezed me closer. "Now tell me what's going on."
"I don't even know where to begin." But her invitation opened the floodgates and I poured out every confusing moment from the last week.
"I understood most of that," she said, "but Pez, I'm going to need you to take a deep breath. I'm not an expert but I'm pretty sure this stress isn't good for the baby."
"Easier said than done," I sobbed.
Jesy hugged me tightly and let me cry until there were no tears left.
"Stupid hormones," I muttered finally my chin still trembling. "I should warn you that I'm being a tad dramatic these days."
"Your crazy ex almost killed you on your wedding day. I don't think you can be dramatic enough," she pointed out. "And I feel like a total arse because I don't know what to do. Normally I'd advise that we should drink copiously to drown our pain, but..."
She reached down and patted my stomach.
"Oh my god." My voice broke as fresh tears welled in my eyes. "I forgot about Leigh Anne and him. I am a terrible best friend."
"You get a pass on this one." She rubbed my back soothingly. "According to the best friend triage system, attempted murder and unplanned pregnancies trump getting cheated on. Everyone knows that and if it makes you feel better the whole thing has distracted me, so...thanks."
A giggle broke past the rawness bottlenecking in my throat. I'd forgotten how good it was to laugh.
"Also I'm moving in with Jane and she's going to teach me how to have lots of torrid love affairs," Jesy informed me.
"Of course she will." I smiled, recalling Jane's view on taking lovers. Jesy would have her hands full keeping up with her. "Is there space for me? Plus one."
"Always," she promised but her brow wrinkled thoughtfully. "Jade loves you Pez. Anyone can see that."
"I can't," I whispered. I wanted to but the haze of lies and distance had made it impossible. "She doesn't want the baby."
"She doesn't know she wants the baby," Jesy corrected me. "Wasn't this the woman who said she couldn't love? She loves more fiercely than anyone I've ever met except maybe you. You two are going to get through this."
I wished I could believe her. I wished a lot of things. But wishes like happy endings were for fairy tales.