We got to the old abandoned warehouse just in time after picking up some frappuccinos and chocolate croissants from the Starbucks down the street. I got the vanilla bean one because I'm so sweet and pure and Coolton got a coffee one I think cuz he has an image to keep up in public.
Anyway, when we got there we walked in and found Handy Sear'srack all bruised and tied up in a wooden chair in the middle of the floor. I cried out and carefully handed my drink to Coolton to hold so I could run to him, but before I could take two steps the floor opened up in front of me to reveal an actual, real life, goddamn motherfucking lava pit filled with honest to god, hot as all hell, genuine bubbling magma from the Earth's crust. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't a little bit impressed.
Then, in a flutter of dramatics, Prissy dropped down from the ceiling and shattered both of her kneecaps, declaring, "OW FUCK."
"Are you okay?" I called over.
"NO I'M NOT OKAY BOTH OF MY LEGS ARE BROKEN," she screamed at me. "But that's aside the point. Sally Realname! It was I, Prisstina Cummingham, who kidnapped Landy Deertracks and brought him here!"
"You mean Handy Sear'srack," I corrected.
"Oh whatever," she sighed. "I can't keep up with all these names. Just listen to my demands!!"
I nodded in understanding.
"I want you to publically humiliate yourself on live television, and then fade into obscurity for the rest of your life," Prissy demanded. "Or else I'm gonna toss this sad excuse for a rock star into the lava! Also you can never see Coolton again and he has to be my boyfriend forever."
I barely skipped a beat before replying, "...WELL FUCKING OBVIOUSLY I'LL DO THAT. HOLY SHIT, PRISSY."
"Okay cool," Prissy acknowledged. "You heard her Coolton. Or, should I say," a smirk smirked onto her face, "Blandy Knickknack-"
A gunshot rang throughout the warehouse. Prissy looked down at herself as a growing ring of blood seeped out from the hole in her chest. Her face was pale, more pale than Handy's.
"This shirt... is Ralph Lauren..." she whispered, before swaying and falling face first into the lava pit.
I watched this in horror before turning to Coolton and seeing that he was holding a gun. He stuffed it back into the front of his pants before taking off his mask, revealing himself to be.... World famous singer, author, international model, clothing/jewelry designer, and internet talk show personality Blandy Knickknack!!
"Woah.." I murmured. Blandy smiled at me before motioning to the lava pit, and I got the message.
After rescuing Handy, we reconvened outside where it wasn't so hot and filled with dangerous molten rock.
"So..." I started off, looking between the two identical men in front of me. "I feel like there's a story here, but I could be wrong...?"
"No, you're right, there is," Blandy admitted, looking to Handy to explain.
Handy cleared his throat and began, "It all started over twenty years ago, when the eight planets came into perfect alignment and the stars themselves declared-!"
"Um, sorry to interrupt," I interrupted, "but could you give me, like.. The sparknotes version? It's been a really long day."
"Oh, sure," Handy complied. "You know all the guys you've been hanging out with lately? We're identical octuplets that wanted to share being famous so we take turns in the limelight."
"Ohhhh!" I exclaimed. "So that's how you're able to take on so many projects and do so many things at once!"
"That's right," Blandy nodded.
"But wait.." I blinked, counting on my fingers. "Dandy, Candy, Randy, Sandy, Landy, Handy, Blandy... That's only seven! Where's the eighth brother?"
"Oh yeah, him," Blandy considered. "His name is Mandy Stickstack. He's a doctor."
"That's cool!" I cheered.
"Yeah, pretty cool," Handy and Blandy agreed.
"So....." I started off again after a lengthy silence. "Does this mean eightway, or...?"
"Not until the epilogue," Handy stated.
"Okay," I accepted, and we went home.