Frost
소희: Can we meet?
I type the message on the bus ride back to the university. Taeyoung responds quickly, saying we should meet at the coffee place where he used to teach me Korean.
Once I get to my room and put my things away I head out and go to Koko's room to kill time before leaving. She soon opens the door after I knock, looking half asleep despite it being 10 AM now.
"Why are you back so early?" Her groggy voice asks me.
"It's not that early."
She waves me into the messy room. There are clothes tossed very ungracefully all over the place. Makeup brushes litter the desk and night table, with random makeup pencils scattered mindlessly on the floor. The room used to be clean when we first met, but five months later, she's clearly given up on keeping up with it.
I try to find a place to sit on the unruly bed and settle for the corner.
"How was your mini-vacation?" She crawls back under the covers.
"Good, exactly what I needed."
"That's good. So are you going to meet up with Taeyoung?"
"Yeah about that."
She sits up more, intrigued by my change in demeanour.
"I am, but I'm leaving."
"Wait, what?"
"I'm going to go back home, to Canada to see my mom. I need to go back and close things properly."
She nods her head in understandingly before looking back at me in panic. "Wait, are you going to come back?"
I chuckle at her expressiveness. "Probably, yeah. I just don't know when."
"When are you leaving?"
"Next Tuesday," I reply. My father and I had bought the ticket together online. He wasn't going to be able to come with me, but he helped get everything set up. I'll be staying with my aunt while I'm there.
"Wow, that's so soon. So you'll be back for the second semester, right? Or no."
"I'm not sure. I don't know how long I need."
***
After my visit with Koko, I head to that familiar place—the place where I began to grow feelings for Taeyoung. It feels strange walking into the building now, and I don't know why. I take a seat at a somewhat secluded table by the windows and wait anxiously. I don't want to leave him while being on bad terms, and I know he's going to think I'm leaving because of him. But I'm not. I hope he understands.
After I get a drink, I stare out the window and watch as snow falls from the sky. I frantically play with my nails as I wait for him. I came much too early because of how nervous I was, and now the waiting is killing me from the inside out. But eventually I see the doors open and a familiar figure walk through them. Just like that, I feel all the air in my lungs suspend and my heart jumps at a rapid pace. He looks around for a bit before his eyes catch mine.
I can't help but look down immediately, feeling just as nervous as our first encounter.
"Sohee," he softly says before sitting down and loosening his scarf. I look up at him again and take a big gulp.
"Taeyoung."
There's a moment of silence as we get lost in our blazing thoughts. Where to begin?
"I'm sorry," we say at the same time.
A smile twitches on his lips.
"I'm sorry," he says again. "I ruined your night."
I shake my head solemnly. "No, you didn't, I did. I overreacted. Of course you'd be shocked."
"But I pushed you away like an idiot."
I smile meekly at him, "I know you didn't mean to." I continue, "Truthfully, Taeyoung, I haven't been okay lately."
I see the shock flash onto his beautiful face. He isn't expecting what I'm going to say next, and I'm dreading his reaction.
"I've been really caught up over my mom's death. I never got to say a proper goodbye, I know I never told you that. I guess I've been trying to just deal with it, but eventually I started to push her out of my mind completely when I shouldn't have."
His lips are slightly parted as he listens to me.
"I—I'm sorry, I know it's sudden but—Taeyoung. I need to go home. I need to get out of here for a bit."
There it is, the look in his eyes that I was expecting.
"Sohee, but—" his words seize as he looks at me in confusion, clearly unsure of what to think and say.
"I know we've been in bad terms this past two weeks and I'm sorry I took so long to see you and resolve them. But I need to leave. It's not because of you, please understand that. It's because of me."
I see his lips tremble as he contemplates what to say. Then I feel my heart throb painfully when I catch the sparkle of water in his eyes.
"You're leaving because of me."
I close my eyes shut and sigh. I really didn't want this to happen. "No, no please, it's not because of you. I swear."
"Yes it is. I screwed up, I should have ignored Yerin and kissed you," he talks to himself now, eyes frantically looking around the room as the tears continue to build. This isn't what he was expecting, that's why he's so frustrated. He wasn't expecting me to leave like this.
"Please don't. Please Sohee, just stay." His voice begs me, his eyebrows turning up in the corners in a way I've never seen. In fact, I've never heard Taeyoung sound so vulnerable before, so broken and desperate.
But he doesn't understand, I'm doing this for me. I have to do this. I can't focus on loving him if my mind is in turmoil.
"Taeyoung, please don't do this," I whisper out painfully with a sigh as tears fill my own eyes. "I need to go, for me, for my mother. Don't make me choose like this. I'll come back," I plead.
He shakes his head, eyes closing and pushing out the tears so that they shatter and fall down his smooth cheeks. "Take me with you."
Stop making this so difficult. We aren't breaking up, why are you making this feel like we're breaking up?
"Taeyoung, you can't. You have school, and the plane tickets are so expensive, I know you can't afford that yet. I'll be back, I swear I will, I just don't know when." I plead and plead, but he's so clearly blinded. I can almost see the tornado of thoughts whirling in his head, so loud that he can't properly hear me.
"Stay."
"Dammit, Taeyoung." I clench my eyes shut in frustration. Why won't he believe me? "I love you, I still love you, I always have," I say.
His eyes fixate on mine, lips still quivering.
"If you love me you won't go."
These words cut right through me. There's no helping it, he's blinded by emotion right now.
"I love you, but I need to take care of myself first. I know you'll understand someday. I know you're just in shock. I know you want to fix things first. Just know that New Year's Eve means nothing to me now, I forgive you. I love you. But I need to go, I need to go by myself Taeyoung. Don't hate yourself for something that isn't because of you. I need—" My sobbing makes it harder and harder for me to speak, and I look around the cafe thankful that it's empty right now. "I need to go. You can't change my mind. I won't be able to love you to the fullest if I stay with this darkness in my mind."
He stays silent now, just sniffling away the wetness as he stares at me with painful eyes.
"I'm sorry," I get up and leave before he really does change my mind. My eyes are blurry as I walk out of there as fast as I can.
. . .
A/N:
Please don't hate me. Taeyoung isn't understanding why Sohee needs to go because he's been so desperate to see her since that night. He's convinced himself that she hates him now when we all know that isn't true. Please never put someone else before yourself when you're not okay. It's very dangerous both to you and the other person.
And for those who don't get why Taeyoung won't come with her, look up the price of a last minute round trip from Korea to Canada and back. Sohee's father paid for her because she can't afford that. Plus Taeyoung would be missing classes AND most importantly this is a very personal thing that Sohee needs to deal with by herself.
YOU come first, remember that, don't let ANYONE come before your own health. You can't take care of someone and love them properly if you yourself aren't well.
xx Sooaura