Translation of Love

50

Reminisce

I'm sitting in my economy seat on the plane. Ten hours have already passed and I haven't been able to sleep one wink. I'm too nervous. Nervous about going back home, about seeing my aunt, about seeing my mom. Nervous about what I've left behind in Korea. Nervous because I'm not so sure what I'll go back to.

My goodbye with Koko replays in my head a lot, as if on an endless loop in my mind.

I sniffled as liquid dripped from my nose. "Do you think he'll ever forgive me?" I asked in a broken and bubbly voice. Koko patted my back, reassuring me that he will, but clearly only saying so to make me feel better, because how could she know? She didn't cry when I left, but that was because she knew I would be back. And I left wishing that I could have the same confidence in myself she always seems to have.

***

My first week at my aunt's house consisted mostly of getting used to things again. Despite only being gone for just over five months, everything feels so strange now. I didn't take into account that reverse culture shock could happen to me, and it has. It's unsettling, coming back home, a place you've grown up in and should feel most comfortable in but don't. As I walked around the streets, ordered food in English instead of Korean, got accustomed to the extremely cold weather, the different scenery, the mass variety of different people from different cultures, I couldn't help but feel like a stranger in my own home.

Eventually, the shock subsides. When it does I'm able to function better. But an underlying feeling of unease remains in the pit of my stomach for a while, because I had sent a message to Taeyoung before going on the plane, and there's still no response.

My aunt was never the happiest person, and she wasn't thrilled when I asked to live with her for an unknown number of days, but she let me. She is older than my mom and looks quite different as well. She didn't get the red hair of my grandma but instead a thick head of black curly hair that seems to go against time, while her eyebrows have already greyed. Her deep blue eyes seem to captivate anyone who dares to look at them. They are cold, like my grandmas, but mesmerizing. She has two children, but they are both long gone now, starting their own families. Her husband, my uncle, has to travel for work a lot and as a result, I have not seen him yet. She doesn't seem to mind though. In fact, she probably loves being alone.

She isn't alone though. My avô, grandpa, moved in with her once my grandma and mother passed away. He's deteriorated since I last saw him, but his brown eyes hold the same sparkle they did when I was a little girl. While he seems to have a harder time speaking—and staying awake—he still makes an effort to kiss my cheeks enthusiastically when I arrive.

***

A month in, I still haven't visited my mother. Why? I don't know. I guess I'm still not ready. My aunt had given me something, an envelope, saying it was for me. She didn't know my address in Korea so she just kept it, and eventually forgot about it.

It's from my mom. But I can't seem to bring my fingers to open the seal.

I'm sitting on a couch that rests in the nook of a bay window, contemplating about opening it today, when my grandpa slowly makes his way over to me. He sits down beside me with a tired sigh and smiles at me. We sit together in silence for a moment, not needing to say anything.

"Menina, why did you come back?" He asks me in his strange accent.

"I wanted to see mom again," I say while still looking out the window. It's a strangely beautiful day. The sun is actually able to push it's way past the Winter clouds and shines on the reflecting snow.